9 - That Channel 4 3D season. Not great, is it? – Watchwithmothers

8 - Kim Kardashian with her mouth taped up. Make the most of it, folks – AmyGrindhouse

7 - Boy, Chris Rock’s dinner parties sure sound fun - Monsters And Critics

6 - Holy crap. Olly Murs from X Factor did Deal Or No Deal once. Good job he’s better at doing godawful Jamiroquai impressions than he is at saying some numbers to a man with a crap beard, eh? – Interestment

5 – Literally everything you could ever wish to know about John Travolta’s Saturday Night Fever suit – Clothesonfilm

4 - A chair, floating into space. Marvellous – Asylum

3 - A list of the 30 greatest action figures from the 1980s. We had 11. Anyone care to beat that? – Gunaxin

2 – But who wants to see a teddy bear stitched together from a placenta? – ABC

1 - We may have said this many times before, but Robert Popper is possibly the best man who ever lived…

9 – And now, for anyone who thinks that Nintendo Wiis aren’t creepy enough – Geekologie

8 – The Roots have missed their calling. Hip-hop’s gain is 1970’s MOR deep, deep loss – MyChemicalToilet

7 – What did Kim Kardashian dress up as for Halloween? What? A sort of prostitutey Disney princess? Get out of town – AmyGrindhouse

6 - Is Prince Of Persia going to be good or cack? Someone tell us - Popsugar

5 – Kate Winslet is definitely not the world’s most irritating actress, so don’t sue us please – PopEater

4 – What’s that? You’ve always wanted to buy a plaster cast of Tila Tequila’s boob? You’re in luck, you disgusting bloody pervert – Bestweekever

3 -Danielle Bux, she’s just like us (except she has to put up with Gary Lineker pawing at her boobs like some sort of gross big-eared zombie) - Interestment

2 - The name of this website explains everything you need to know - Hotchickswithfistsintheirmouths

1 - This is so adorable we think it just made us grow ovaries…

It’s all go with the Kardashian sisters! Khloe Kardashian got married, Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant and, um…

Wait, there was another one. Oh, what was her name? Karen Kardashian? No, that’s not it. Kolin Kardashian? That’s not it either. Oh, Kim! That’s it! Kim Kardashian! Wow, we have to say that it’s incredibly gracious of Kim Kardashian to remain in the background like this while her two sisters have their moment in the spotlight.

What’s that? Kim Kardashian has decided to get back with her old boyfriend Reggie Bush? Because she loves him, and not just because she’s a giant attention whore? Oh, OK.

Now, look. We’re as surprised as you are that Khloe Kardashian’s wedding is still in the news almost a full week after it was announced. Because, seriously, if Khloe Kardashian walked up to us tomorrow to introduce herself, we’d have trouble knowing who she actually was. And there isn’t a hope in hell that we’d remember what her husband’s name was, unless we’d pre-emptively scrawled it on our hand first. Which we wouldn’t have done, because we don’t know who he is either.

But the good news is that we’re not alone. Kim Kardashian also seems fairly stunned that her sister’s shotgun wedding to a man she’s know for just over a month counts as legitimate news. Because Kim Kardashian knows how it works. Yes, she’s willing to step back to allow her sisters time in the limelight for a moment or two, but only because she knows that when she decides to go outside with her arse hanging out, or when she decides to release an internet video of her jamming her tongue into a stranger’s face in the nude, she’ll be the famous one again.

But this time, none of that has happened. Kim Kardashian is still currently the third most famous Kardashian sister. And, in completely unrelated news, Kim Kardashian has decided to get back with her famous ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush. What a strange and unexpected coincidence. People reports:

“They’re totally back together for real,” says a source close to the couple. “Kim and Reggie spent a few months apart getting their priorities together and figuring out who they were as individuals so they can make it work together.”

If we allow the cynic in us to emerge for once, it does sort of look like Kim Kardashian could have done this for publicity. Because now she can return to the glory days of when she and Reggie Bush could make the headlines for arguing about fur or wearing a wig and pretending it was their real hair. Oh, those were the days alright.

But, no, that’s wrong of us. Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are totally back together for real, and their love for one another is as pure and real as it has ever been, and we’re sure that they’ll both go on to make hundreds of lurid and surprisingly bored-looking internet porno movies together. God bless, you two.

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Those Kardashian sisters, they’re really something. There’s Kim, who is famous for having an absolutely gargantuan bum, and was once in a homemade porno film with the soul music sensation Ray J, in which they spend a period of time with their tongues wrestling outside of their mouths like slugs on crystal meth. Then there’s Kourtney, who took a simple everyday household name like Courtney, but took away the “C” and replaced it with a “K”.

Plus, of course, there’s Khloe, who did a similar “C”/”K” trade off, and who – we are delighted to report – is getting married! To some basketball player!  Who we’ve never heard of! Because we don’t watch basketball!

But, for those of you who do, she’s getting hitched this Sunday to a magnificently tall athlete called Lamar Odom, who plays for the LA Lakers. He’s, like, nine feet tall or something.

As is the beginning of so many successful Hollywood marriages, the pair met about a month ago in a nightclub. He was living it up, she was tottering around in something classy and miniscule, and then, in a flash, they became one. Soul mates. Lovers. And within barely five weeks, husband and wife. It’s like it was written in the stars. There is no way in hell that this marriage doesn’t have the legs.

To cement their love, the pair have decided to make things official as soon as possible, so that they can squeeze a warm, sensual honeymoon in before Lamar has to go back to basketball practice. That way, they should have plenty of time to light candles, pop on some Kenny G, and smear great big handfuls of soft, oily butter into one another’s hungry thighs, before the LA Lakers have their first pre-season match on October 7. Hence, the invites have been rushed out, using hysterical squealing, jumpy-up-and-downy telephone calls as an improvised replacement for the usual sophisticated squares of card, and the ring is currently being resized to fit Khloe’s curious sausage fingers – presumably. The ceremony is taking place in a friend’s house.

Of his bride-to-be, the massive basketball player had this to say:

“Khloe is smart and beautiful and that is very hard to find.” 

It certainly is Lamar. Perhaps even harder than you think.

To read more from Josh, visit Interestment. It’s good, honest.

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Imagine just how difficult it must be as a pregnant Kardashian – you’re body’s got incredibly large, fleshy lumps spilling over both sides, and your several dozen tiny bathing suits no longer fit. This is particularly a shame as they literally cost you thousands.

Perhaps these are all reasons why the recently pregnant Kourtney is telling us she considered the A-word as a means of baby disposal. Sure, if she goes through with the abortion it’ll probably be in the third trimester for a ratings boost, but now it looks like she’s gonna birth the kid as a ratings boost instead.

When Kourtney Kardashian gives birth on camera sometime during season two of her new reality show Kourtney & Khloe: They’re Miami’s Problem Now, they should consider a 3-D glasses tie in. That way the viewing audience could feel like the afterbirth is coming right at them – & that’s history-book television.

Plus it’s a distinct way for Kourtney to step way out of Kim’s shadow – that is until she gives birth too, and her supersized glutes allow her to rocket launch the baby into Reggie Bush’s waiting arms way down in an end zone. That’d be good television as well.

And poor Khloe – while her sister’s will still be famous for vaginally tossing babies all over the place, she’ll simply slink back obscurity until she starts doing those chunky-people dating shows. If she wins one of those, maybe then she can have a baby and be famous again.

As for Kourntey though – before she probably realized a TV birth would be huge for ratings, she was thinking about possibly clipping the baby out piece by piece sometime deep in trimester three. Maybe. After all, that too would be a ratings hike, and you could ‘to be continued…’ the episode just before the doctor pulls out the head.

That’s got Emmy written all over it. Not because she’ll get an Emmy award, but because that’s probably what she would have named her dead baby’s corpse.

Anyway – enough of us talking about grisly abortions – let’s hear it straight from Kourtney’s own mouth:

“I definitely thought about it long and hard, about if I wanted to keep the baby or not, and I wasn’t thinking about adoption…I do think every woman should have the right to do what they want, but I don’t think it’s talked through enough. I can’t even tell you how many people just say, ‘Oh, get an abortion.’ Like it’s not a big deal.”

Well we’re glad you’re not going through with it, K. Raising your kid is definitely the right thing to do. Plus – there will be plenty of time to slowly and agonizingly dismember your child after it’s born, anyway. You know, when it misbehaves. A one-armed toddler will never refuse to clean their room again, if you know what we’re saying.

That’s a parenting method we hear is popular in Bangladesh.

What a horrible country.

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What children need when coming into this world is stability, warmth, and most importantly, a great big butt to spill out of when the doctor comes a’callin’.

After all, the the more exit room the less likely the baby is to realise that that’s exactly what a fart must feel like. In a world where children’s fart sympathy is starting to cause so much unrest, we really can’t stress big-birthing-butt importance enough.

Speaking of which – a Kardashian is stuffed with child, and we don’t mean their mother again!To tell you the truth, we really don’t know anything about Kourtney Kardashian except that she’s not the one famous for sex on YouTube, she’s not the one famous for sex on MetaCafe, and we think she’s Cuban. Other than that we literally know nothing about her.

Oh – and she’s pregnant. Yup, she’s found somebody to top her off at the sperm pump, and although she’s been relatively mum as to who the father is – we’re pretty certain it’s Snagglepuss. Our reasoning for believing this is we heard she’s recently broken up with Hong Kong Phooey, and so far this whole pregnancy thing has just seemed spiteful.

Plus she’s always got those clumps of belly-rub pink fir stuck to the sweat between her fingers. The clues add up. Seriously.

Here’s E! Online for the real scoop:

“Kourtney Kardashian is going to be a mom! While the E! reality star confirms she’s pregnant with her first child, Ms. K isn’t revealing too much right now. She’s keeping mum on the daddy’s identity and how far along she is.”

That poor kid. Think about it . Right after birth it’ll probably look up towards it’s mother through the doctor’s fingers, realise that if talent comes 100% from heredity he’s screwed, and then he’ll ask a nurse to please just throw him into the big red bag with all the severed arms and what-not.

We jest, we jest! Really the kid’ll  just take solace in knowing that he probably wasn’t conceived in front of a million-plus mouse clicking, extremely sticky audience like his one-day cousins may or may not have to worry about.

And you know what – that sounds like the start to a pretty good life to us.

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Kim Kardashian knows what she likes in a man – strength, athleticism, access to a videocamera and an internet connection.

But it’s back to square one. Sadly Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend Reggie Bush have announced their split after two years. It’s sad news, and we don’t want to think about how much sadder it’d be if we cared a jot about either of them.

So now Kim Kardashian has to go through the whole dating process all over again – selection, seduction, emotional bonding, recording and releasing an explicit sex tape onto the internet, that sort of thing. The poor girl.

This is turning out to be a miserable day when it comes to celebrity splits. Well, we say ‘celebrity’ – the women involved in today’s splits are Camilla Belle, Kerry Katona and Kim Kardashian, and their combined contribution humanity amounts to a crappy film about cavemen, a couple of adverts about frozen seafood and a dreary homemade porno. It’s hardly A-list stuff, is it?

But that doesn’t matter. They might not be very famous, but they’re all human beings with human emotions, and those emotions should be respected. Just look at Kim Kardashian, for instance – as a singleton she knows that every man she ever meets already knows what she looks like when she’s having sex, which puts her at a severe disadvantage when it comes to finding a boyfriend.

So something serious must have happened between Kim and her ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush – something upsetting and catastrophic – to make her go through all that again, and that’s why the split needs to be handled with the utmost sensitivity. TV Guide reports:

A source says the split was a mutual decision and stemmed from schedule conflicts that kept them apart much of the time. Most recently, Bush, 24, invited Kardashian, 28, to accompany him to New Orleans, where he is due to report for preseason training. Kardashian, though, needs to stay on the West Coast to film the new season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

What? They split up so that Kim Kardashian could go away and film yet another awful season of her piss-poor reality TV show? Oh come on – we’re doing our best to be sensitive here, and you’re dismantling a relationship for the benefit of a programme that isn’t even as good as Denise Richards: It’s Complicated? That’s the worst excuse we’ve ever heard!

Let’s be clear, couples should be allowed to split up over Keeping Up With The Kardashians, but only if they have a gigantic disagreement over which one of them hates it the most. But splitting up because you want to make more episodes of it? That’s just weird. Christ, Kim Kardashian, sometimes we think you deserve to be single.

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Swine Flu? Forget swine flu. Global economic catastrophe? Screw that as well. There’s only one real news story today.

Brace yourselves. Kim Kardashian’s hair is very slightly lighter than it used to be. We know. How on earth are any of us expected to concentrate on anything at all today knowing that Kim Kardashian’s hair is almost imperceptibly blonder than it was a week ago? What if surgeons or aircraft pilots were to suddenly start thinking about how marginally different Kim Kardashian’s hair was now instead of their real jobs? We’d all be dead.

You hear that, Kim Kardashian? DEAD.

Makeovers are all the go at the moment, aren’t they? Over the last week or so Susan Boyle has had a makeover, turning from literally the ugliest woman who has ever lived to like the fifth uglist or something. Also, all pigs have also had a makeover – going from delicious bacon sources to evil ticking timebombs that will Kill Us All Dead.

And since Susan Boyle and some pigs getting a makeover technically constitutes a trend, it was only a matter of time before Kim Kardashian waded in with her stupid elbows and massive arse. You see, Kim Kardashian is no longer happy to just plonk herself on the sidelines of any given celebrity story and bellow her unwanted opinion like some sort of slow-witted mental at a bus stop. Kim Kardashian wants in on this one, damnit.

So Kim Kardashian has had a makeover. And this isn’t one of those faddy makeovers like the time she said that she’d given up fur or the time she said that she wasn’t really into making online pornos – this one is for real. That’s right – Kim Kardashian has gone blonde. The New York Daily News reports:

The “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” star proudly showed off her newly blonde locks on Twitter Sunday, raving about her Beyonce-esque ‘do. “I WENT BLONDE!!!! Do u like it?” Kardashian wrote, followed by, “One more blonde pic!” and “I’m LOVING my blonde hair!”

That seems to be the main thing here – by going blonde, Kim Kardashian has made herself look like Beyonce. A bit. If you squint, tilt your head at exactly 62 degrees, drink bleach until you teeter on the edge of consciousness and then get so far away from Kim Kardashian that you can’t really make her out against the background any more then, yes, we suppose Kim Kardashian does look a bit like Beyonce. A bit.

But anyway, more fool you if you thought that Kim Kardashian had really gone blonde, because the hilarious prankster then went onto her website to reveal to the world that… actually it was a wig! She’s not really blonde at all! Kim Kardashian is hilarious!

So we suppose in retrospect the headline to this story should have been Kim Kardashian’s Hair Is Exactly The Bloody Same As It Has Ever Been.

We hate our lives sometimes.

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Not a lot more, admittedly. But let’s not split hairs here – our point is that Kim Kardashian is happy to rush to the defence of any celebrity who acts in a gormless way and gets lambasted in the media for it. Kim Kardashian’s dad was OJ Simpson’s lawyer, did we mention that?

Anyway, now Kim Kardashian has decided to defend Lindsay Lohan for her erratic behaviour. Which is good, because in these harsh economic times, people need a job for life.

Maybe it’s because she’s grown tired of today’s vampiric, knee-jerk media culture, or maybe it’s because she’s an over-privileged spakplank who will never have to work for a living because, even if she finds herself with no money, she’ll be able to sustain herself on the vast fat reserve located in her rump, but for one reason or another Kim Kardashian seems determined to act as the righteous defender of the famous lately.

For instance, when Jessica Simpson suddenly got fat earlier this year, and decided to perform a concert in an outfit that somehow made her look exactly like a perfect lard-sphere, Kim Kardashian was the first to leap to her defence by saying how sexy she looked. She was wrong, but a precedent had been set nonetheless.

And now, having hopped over that molehill with relative ease, Kim Kardashian has decided to set her sights on the Everest that is Lindsay Lohan.

As well as being hit with a recently-quashed arrest warrant, Lindsay Lohan’s weekend also apparently involved having a loud argument with Sam Ronson that ended with a window getting broken and the police being called. Nothing really out of the ordinary there – Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson had a fight on New Year’s Day and a fight On Valentine’s Day so it’s only natural that they’d also have a fight on March 14 which, as everyone knows, is the Estonian national language day – and that’s probably why it wasn’t widely reported.

But that hasn’t stopped Kim Kardashian from wading into the fray anyway, declaring that we’re all bastards for picking on Lindsay Lohan just because she might have got a bit unstable and window-breaky, even though we didn’t actually know that any of this happened until she started shouting her gob off about it. People reports:

“It’s so sad that there’s such an invasion of privacy, with camera people, cops and paparazzi outside their home,” Kardashian, 28, told PEOPLE. “I mean, when have you not thrown something when you’re mad? Everyone has to admit that at one time in their life, they’ve gotten so mad that they’ve thrown something, but maybe not necessarily breaking a window. Can’t people have an argument without everyone watching?”

Actually, Kim Kardashian has a point here. We have got so angry that we’ve thrown things in the past. And we regret it bitterly. Honestly, have you ever tried to get axe marks out of a Kim Kardashian poster? It’s damn near impossible.

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Firstly, Kim Kardashian is naked most of the time anyway, so what’s the point? Also, Kim Kardashian loves fur. Fur is Kim Kardashian’s only vice, apart from having graphic sex with men on the internet and being an unstoppably pointless flimbox.

However, thanks to pressure from her family, Kim Kardashian looks like she’s going to give up fur. That’s great – she just needs to work on the other 462 things that make her so deeply objectionable and we’re back on track.

Kim Kardashian isn’t doing so well at this ‘getting legitimately famous’ thing, is she? Like Paris Hilton to the late Queen Mother before her, Kim Kardashian was supposed to use her graphic internet sex tape to catapult her into the realm of mainstream celebrity, but it hasn’t really happened.

Sure, there’s her reality TV show Keeping Up With The Kardashians, but we get the impression that’s only watched by the bedridden and people who genuinely hate themselves. Similarly, Kim Kardashian’s film career seems to be the only one in history that views Meet The Spartans as a masterpiece of unattainable quality. And let’s not forget about the time when Kim Kardashian was thrown off Dancing With The Stars for knocking Len Goodman’s dentures out with her buttocks during a risky pirouette she was performing 30ft away. Or something.

But Kim Kardashian is nothing if not a fighter, which is why she’s struck upon a fresh new approach to becoming famous – she’s going to become a bisghot animal rights campaigner.

Now, true, that might be difficult at the moment – what with the way that Kim Kardashian is constantly draped in about six fur coats at a time and couldn’t enrage the likes of PETA any more if she started wearing necklaces made of dog testicles – but Kim’s seen how her sister Khloe’s naked anti-fur advert landed her a spot on Celebrity Apprentice, so she’s jolly well going to give it a go as well. Contactmusic reports:

She says, “I haven’t bought anything new since Khloe did the ad.” But that might not be enough – boyfriend Reggie Bush threatened to dump her if she didn’t give up her pelts – after the pair drove past an anti-fur rally at the Sundance Film Festival in 2008. She tells Eonline.com, “I was wearing a fur vest, and he was like, ‘This is humiliating. I can’t go out with you.’”

That sounds noble enough at first, until you realise that Kim Kardashian is only really admitting to not buying any ridiculously expensive full-length fur coats within the last six weeks. We haven’t bought any fur garments in the last six weeks either, and we can hardly be called animal rights activists. Admittedly that’s mainly because we punched a goat in the face for looking at us funny that time, but that’s another story.

Still, at least Kim Kardashian is making the effort to change her ways, which is something. Giving up fur does leave a gaping hole in Kim Kardashian’s wardrobe, though, so what does she plan to replace it with? Well, judging by her comments about Jessica Simpson yesterday, we wouldn’t be surprised if it involved haking up the bodies of fat people and wearing their flesh. The Ed Gein look is going to be so hot this spring, we hear.

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Or, you know, These Thighs Were Made For Crushing Cars. Or something. Basically, Jessica Simpson has got a little bit fat, and everyone’s talking about it.

Thanks to a couple of unflattering pictures taken last weekend, people now refer to Jessica Simpson as Heifer-ca Simpson, Jessica Not-Thinson or Jessica Simpsonofabitchyougotfat. Or maybe we made those up. We’re not telling.

Anyway, now Kim Kardashian has said that Jessica Simpson looks ‘hot’. That’s because she’s insulated by fat, you insensitive bitch.

We know as well as anyone that people tend to pack on a few extra pounds over Christmas. That’s normal. But not Jessica Simpson. Jessica Simpson doesn’t look like she overate a little at Christmas. Jessica Simpson looks like she’s actually eaten the entire concept of Christmas, and that she’ll give Easter a running start before she makes a lunge for that as well.

OK, that’s a little unfair. In truth, Jessica Simpson was photographed performing at a show in Florida on Sunday looking slightly bulkier than usual. True, she did decide to wear a pair of jeans so unflattering that it made her arse look like two vacuum-packed planets having it off, but it really wasn’t as bad as everyone’s making out.

Nevertheless, reaction to Jessica Simpson’s rotund new look has been two-pronged. Obviously there are those who delight in chortling at Jessica Simpson’s portly new frame – but there are also those who have been quick to defend her. We’ve read countless messageboard comments saying that Jessica Simpson is just being a traditional southern girl – somehow insinuating that her centre of gravity has settled on her buttocks because she’s closer to the equator than most people – while Jessica’s sister Ashlee Simpson has said she’s ‘disgusted’ by all the public interest in Jessica’s tummy.

And now Kim Kardashian has waded into the Jessica Simpson fray as well. No, we don’t know why either. People reports:

“Call me crazy, but when I saw the picture, I was like, ‘Oh my God, Jessica looks hot!’ I actually love the outfit. I think she looks amazing. I love high-waisted jeans, I loved that belt, and her hair looked fabulous. I get that she does look curvier, but to me, there’s nothing wrong it.”

Good for Kim Kardashian for elbowing her way into a debate that she wasn’t invited to. But Jessica Simpson should be careful – it sounds very much to us like Kim Kardashian is trying to indoctrinate Jessica into her new weight-loss plan: Shag Yourself Thin On The Internet With Kim Kardashian.

As for us? Well, we can totally understand the weight-gain – recently Jessica Simpson decided to go country, and porking out a little bit is just keeping with the conventions of the genre. Although why Jessica chose increased bodyfat is beyond us, especially when she could have slotted in with the country set just as easily by growing a beard or subjecting herself to years of ritualised domestic abuse. You know, something less offensive.

Of course, we’re joking. Everyone knows that Jessica Simpson only put on a bit of weight to stop her dad perving over her tits all the time. You’d do the same in her position.

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However, there’s a sliver of a chance that we haven’t seen the last of Kim Kardashian on Dancing With The Stars yet, and it’s all down to Misty May-Treanor’s knackered Achilles tendon. Now that May-Treanor’s out of Dancing With The Stars, Kim Kardashian is said to be awaiting her callback.

And quite right – Kim’s already been voted off Dancing With The Stars once, so her inevitably swift second elimination will just reaffirm how little America cares for her. But if she got a third call-up after that we’d worry – we get the feeling that only a marching band playing a tune called Nobody Likes You Kim and a firework display in the shape of a frown would make Kim Karadashian understand how people feel about her.

Ballroom dancing, let’s face it, is easy. All you need to do is fake a small amount of affection for your partner and then spin around for a bit pulling a face like there’s a disgusting dirty orphan pulling at your trouser leg asking for money. Anyone can do it. OK, anyone except for Gary Rhodes. And Misty-May-Treanor, for that matter.

Despite being a two-time Olympic beach volleyball champion – and therefore being in possession of as much athleticism as it takes to stand around on some sand playing an inscrutably complex game with a bit of string wedged between your arse – Misty May-Treanor was forced to quit Dancing With The Stars this week because she snapped her Achilles tendon, or something equally gruesome-sounding.

But, then, you know what they say – if participating in a lonely masturbation fantasy loosely disguised as a sport doesn’t get you, then participating in a lonely masturbation fantasy loosely disguised as a reality TV show will.

But, anyway, with Misty May-Treanor out of Dancing With The Stars, that leaves the show a dancer down. And who better to fill her spot than Kim Kardashian, a woman who’s already been judged to be worse than terrible at dancing?

And, really, Kim Kardashian is completely ready to return to Dancing With The Stars. Because, you know, otherwise she’d only spend her time having it off with men and filming it for the internet, and we all know how dull the results of that can be. So, speaking to Ryan Seacrest on his radio show, Kim Kardashian laid out her masterplan:

“If they ask me to, I’m available. I’m back home tomorrow. We’ll see!”

That seems to be a solid enough plan to us – 13 words of badly-defined, noncommittal murmuring. She’s in, folks!

Or, more likely, she’s not. If Dancing With The Stars let Kim Kardashian back, then it’d probably have to refund all the money to everyone who voted for her to be eliminated first time round. And, really, that’s a lot of money. Kim Kardashian was quite awful.

So expect a polite thanks but no thanks from Dancing With The Stars to Kim Kardashian’s offer. But another bitter rejection won’t destroy Kim’s love of dance – she’ll continue to dance in private.

Well, we say ‘in private’. Chances are she’ll film all the dancing and put it on the internet for her fans to download. And we say ‘dancing’ – we actually mean ‘having sex with men.’ Basically, Kim Kardashian’s going to have sex with some men and put it on the internet. That’s close enough, right?

Therefore, we’ve decided to crown Kim Kardashian as our favourite girl in the whole wide world. Following that tape she made where she had loads of sex with that bloke, Kim Kardashian has apparently been sobbing her eyes out because she was voted off Dancing With The Stars this week.

True, that means there’s a full 18-month gap between Kim Kardashian having sex and Kim Kardashian crying, but we have to take what we can get. Anyway, the point is that Kim Kardashian was sad to be voted off Dancing With The Stars last night. But on the plus side, Kim can use this new free time to really try and work on closing that gap between the sex and the crying, maybe getting it down to a week or a good night’s sleep.

Differences between Britain and America, volume 14 – on British dance-based reality TV shows, the contestants tend to be retired journalists and wholesome television presenters. In America, though, they tend to pick people who are only famous for having sex on the internet.

And that’s how Kim Kardashian ended up on Dancing With The Stars this year, alongside that other noted sex tape star, 82-year-old Cloris Leachman. We’re just kidding, Cloris Leachman has never made a sex tape. But we heard rumours about a filthy wax cylinder once.

However – and we’re not going to pretend we know how – Kim Kardashian was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night, and reacted in the same way that most of us would if we discovered that our home nation had rejected us due to our participation in a grotty little sex film a year and a bit ago. People reports:

Though she concluded the show with a playful rendition of one of their earlier dances, once the cameras were off Kardashian rushed to the waiting arms of her family and immediately broke down into tears. Kardashian’s publicist followed the inconsolable bombshell around the press line with a box of Kleenex since, once the waterworks started, there was no stopping the outpouring of genuine emotion.

Yeah, we know all about following Kim Kardashian around with a box of Kleenex, right boys? There was no stopping the general outpouring of human emotion that night! Right? Anyone? Boys? No? Anyone? Too much?

Anyway, Kim Kardashian’s partner seems to think that her innate shyness was what got her thrown off Dancing With The Stars. You see, Kim Kardashian just doesn’t like performing in front of large groups of people like that. She prefers intimacy, you know. Intimacy and a camera. Intimacy and a camera and a bloke’s ding-dong slapping around the inside of her mouth. Give her all that and Kim Kardashian probably would have won Dancing With The Stars.

Still, Kim should realise that there’s no point getting upset about being voted off a reality TV show. These moments are always a stepping stone to bigger and better things, so who knows? Maybe this time Kim Kardashian will be starring in a sex tape with two men. Or two men and a horse. Or two men and a horse and a pregnant diarrhea-stricken midget dressed as Heather Mills. The sky’s the limit.