Well all know that Kim Kardashian is the very pinnacle of media whoredom, leapfrogging other visionaries as Paris Hilton, Tulisa Contostavlos and the rest of the Kardashian sisters, to the crown of Most Annoying Slag 2012. And we all know why, because she wants to show everything that happens through the medium of television, even though her television shows are so tucked and trimmed that if they were pies, they would be the most disgusting tasting pies ever. Though they would look great.

But what happens when TV turns against her? We’ve seen public opinion of the Kardashian Klan flip recently with claims of her marriage being a sham; even her soon to be ex-husband is throwing some fuel onto the hair extension, Sketchers-advertising fire, with news reaching us that he wants to show the divorce trial ON TV.

In a move that will take the Kardashian/Humphries debacle into a whole new universe of meta-awareness, we’ll be watching them divorce live on TV! Which is very Matrix isn’t it?

You have to wonder which pill Kim took, just so we know which one not to take. It’s at times like this that we’d rather be in a pod, having our very essence drained from us, than know that somewhere Kim Kardashian is swanning around thinking she’s Queen Poop or something.

Kris Humphries and his lawyer, Lee Hutton, are wanting to “expose the M.O. of reality TV” by showing that K. Kardashian had as much intention of staying married to him than we do of using anything that the Kardashian Kartel advertise. Humphries is also claiming that Kim only wanted big ratings for her show. Which anyone could have told him. Helen Keller could have told him that.

According to TMZ, who would NEVER lie or speculate wildly, Kim has filed for divorce on the grounds of ‘irreconcilable differences’ which probably means he didn’t want to sit and brush her hair a hundred times each night, whereas he wants the marriage to be annulled on grounds of ‘fraud.’ Which is a bit scary isn’t it?

Just like every other Kardashian news, Kris Jenner has stuck her beaky beak in with some objections. She thinks that the publicity that Humphries has gained has made him a much more pleasing opportunity when it comes to marketing himself, even though having anything to do with that family will leave a 666 tattooed on your scalp, and that they drew up and long and complicated pre-nuptial agreement that Jenner is saying that Kim wouldn’t have bothered doing if she was only intending to stay married for a matter of days. Even though it was probably Jenner who drew up the agreement in the first place.

To be honest, seeing anyone wipe the self serving smile off any one of the Kardashian’s faces is A-OK with us. They’re very awful.

Hahaha! Aw, bless! Kim Kardashian is making a tall claim. A really, really tall one. So tall, it’s a certifiable freak-show. Basically, she’s trying to convince us all that she’s got a soul. And with it, she’s searched it. A lot.

That’s right, the term, ‘soul-searching’ has been mentioned in the inevitable and orchestrated break-up between Kim K and thundering, hoof-footed ball tosser, Kris Humphries.

Basically, that’s a lot of soul-searching over a 72-day marriage. The kind of soul-searching that saw the willfully stupid Kim going to the vapid, finance hungry Kardashian family for advice on what to do. It’s like Wuthering Heights or something.

She said, without any trace of irony:

“I really did some soul-searching, and I needed that. I needed to just be with the family.”

Presumably, the family reminded her that she never loved Kris Humphries and in fact, the whole reason she went through with this farce wedding was to make money and that, if you believe the reports, she made up to $18 million from it.

Basically, the advice would have been: ‘Don’t worry sweetie. It was only ever about money and prestige. Therefore, it’s the most successful marriage you could’ve ever hoped for, right?‘

BUT WAIT! WHAT’S THIS?

She told ‘Live! With Kelly’ host Kelly Ripa:

“If you really think about it, if [the marriage] was a business decision, and I really made all that money that everyone was claiming that we made off this wedding, and if the wedding was fake and just for TV.

“I’m a smart business woman. I would have stayed married longer. This was a bad business decision. If you really think about it, it doesn’t make sense.”

It’s at this point, we’d speculate that the business deal fell down because the couple would need to have sex at some point, but that obviously isn’t a problem for Kim ‘Starred In A Presumably Self-Leaked Sex Tape With Brandy’s Brother Ray J’ Kardashian, is it?

She continued:

“It’s been a hard couple of months. I really didn’t think that following my heart would create this much backlash.”

Quick! Someone call a WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHmbulance!

Oooh, you thought that you didn’t give two hoots about Khloe Kardashian not being a purebreed Kardash didn’t you? You figured that you didn’t need to care about such a trivial story. Now look at you, since you heard about OJ Simpson.

See, there’s been an issue surrounding Khloe’s biological father and, whoever lands the gig, will invariably have some tidy money to make.

However, what happens if it’s Mister Double Murderer-Cum-Armed-Robber-And-Kidnapper, O.J. Simpson? Well, that’s a story and a half right? Oh, before we forget, OJ Simpson played some sport or other too where the gloves, presumably, fit him just grand. Just to clear that up.

So who is breaking such a story?

Why, if it isn’t those marvellous swines over at the National Enquirer! Anyone who doesn’t trust those guys needs to have a look at themselves, long and hard.

The Enquirer is the best!

Anyway, a source told the Enquirer this:

“O.J. told me Khloe’s his child. It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss. And Robert admitted he and Kris were not having sex at the time Khloe was conceived. O.J. bragged about his sex life and many female conquests, which he said included some of his best friends’ wives.”

Ooooh! They continued:

“He used to tell us way back – even before he and Nicole got divorced – that he had a love child with the wife of a wealthy family. But at the time of Khloe’s birth, it would have been devastating for the news to come out that America’s biggest sports hero had fathered a love child.”

Look, we’re not making this up.

And surely, SURELY, the National Enquirer wouldn’t make something up like this. They don’t really have a record for doing as such, do they?

Either way, this must be incredibly exciting news for Khloe Kardashian! Just imagine finding out your dad was OJ Simpson! All those anecdotes he’d have to share with you!

Splendid.

Sportsmen are all uniformly thick. They’re thicker than pig dung and nearly as blank-faced as soldiers. It’s astonishing really. They need assistants to tell them to take their trousers off before going to the toilet. So it shouldn’t surprise us that Kris Humphries was told EXACTLY how to propose to Kim Kardashian.

Just imagine that. Being so insultingly moronic that Kim Kardashian is able to boss you around.

We all know that the proposal ended in a complete sham of a marriage, but what we didn’t know that it was a con from the off, with Kimmy K actually planning Humphries proposal down to the letter. Allegedly, of course. Go away lawyers.

So, the word on the street is that Kris Humphries told his friends and family that his soon-to-be ex-wife planned his wedding proposal to her so it would look nice on her awful cod-reality show, ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’

If you saw the proposal, you will have seen Kris proposing in the bedroom of Kim’s mansion. Humphries actually wanted to propose Minnesota. Why Minnesota, we’ve no idea. Minnesota is RUBBI

Radar Online say that  source revealed:

“Kim told Kris how, where and when to propose, it was absolutely no surprise to her whatsoever.”

“First of all, Kris proposed in the middle of the day, and he had to do that because it would create better lighting to capture the moment. Kim looked so surprised but she knew it was happening.”

“She was in full hair and make-up, as she always is on the show. Kris wanted it to be very intimate and romantic, but all of his ideas were shot down by production officials and Kim.”

“Kim told Kris how, where and when to propose, it was absolutely no surprise to her whatsoever.”

So basically, Kris Humphries managed to pluck up the brain-cells to mouth ‘will you, duurrr, marry me please Kim – DERP?’, only to be shot down immediately with a ‘this won’t do! Ask me when the lighting is better and I’ll get my people to look at it, run it by the production team and I’ll say ‘yes’, okay? Cool’.

And yet, the stupid lummox still asked her! Sometimes, people really get what they deserve don’t they?

Truth be told, it isn’t very often that one of the debauched members of the hecklerspray bedsit would ever speak of a member of the Kardashian lizard family in any positive manner. Doing so carries a punishment. A punishment that would Max Mosley blush and thank his lucky stars that he only has goes up against Nazis, and not the full extent of the hecklerspray phantom. That’s one sick puppy eating monster.

But today is a special day. Today is a day where it all changes for the awful Kardashian Kartel. It seems that the head of the Kardashian family, Kris Jenner, had unprotected and probably nasty (it did involve Kris Jenner, and possibly her original face) sex with an unwitting stranger, before eating the poor fool whole and spinning a web over his corpse so Susan Boyle couldn’t pick at the carcass.

Which we know she would.

Who do these claims come from? Well, not from an angry ex-husband or boyfriend, of which the Kardashians have more than chins in a Fat Camp Yearbook, that’s for sure. They come from the unlikely source of Khloe’s own stepmother. Say whaaat? Say what indeed, slovenly reader.

You’ll need to bear with us here, it’s about to get mad complicated.

Jan Ashley, who married Robert Kardashian after Khloe’s mother Kris, has claimed that Robert himself said that Khloe is not his child, and that another man fathered her. Totally debunking the theory that Khloe was stolen from a local farm and put in a Herve Leger dress at the same time. She says:

“Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married. He just kind of looked at me and said it like it was a matter of fact. He said “Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?” And I said… “OK” and that was it.”

Jan Ashley isn’t the only ex-wife of Rob The Stud’s that has come out to say that Khloe’s father is more likely to be the man who injects the pygmy octupus placenta straight into Kris Jenner’s labia. Or the man who carries Kim’s ego around. Or the man who truly believes that anything the Kardashians says is the truth.

Ellen Kardashian (these people are starting to breed like yeast in Kim’s vagina), who married Rob The King of Sex after Jan, pointed out that Khloe looks nothing like the other two members of the Kardashian Kunt Klub, Kim and Kourteney. Which she doesn’t. At all. Kim and Kourteney are statuesque pillars of arrogance, whereas Khloe is a dumpy bag of no mark, nepotistic arrogance. Totally different.

Seriously. If you look at all three Kardashian sisters they’re like peas in the pod. If the pea pod was filled with two green peas and a female-impersonator.

Kong Kardashian has however hit back at these claims, saying on Twitter:

“The audacity you have to mention my father’s name like this! Should be ashamed of urself! I let a lot of things slide but this one is really low… YOU ARE DISGUSTING! (yes you know who YOU are).”

We don’t know why she’s being so frigid about the idea – anyone would have thought she’d jump at the chance to be disassociated from human-toilet Kim and the whole media circus that surrounds the KKK’s.

Khloe, not being a full blood Kardashian means that, this is a perfect opportunity for Khloe to ditch the Kardash Klan once and for all. Maybe get a nice job in a bakery. Perhaps get a LoveFilm subscription and finally get round to watching all the Resident Evil films.

It also means that she is the only one who can defeat Voldemort.

This article featured additional reporting from Lady Robotnik as well as Sir Robin Darke, just so you know.

It’s been such a difficult few weeks for poor Kim Kardashian. First her loving marriage breaks down in a record 72 days and had to deal with everyone and their petit chien saying that the marriage was a sham. Then her clothing line gets slated by lamb loving, angry at seal clubbing, children’s rights groups because they are supposed to be made in Chinese sweat shops.

And now it seems that Kimmy Kardash has been fiddling with someone else’s willy and balls while she was seeing Reggie Bush. It isn’t just any old two bit estate agent (or “realtor” as those crazy Yanks call them) though. Oh no, it’s douche-cock extraordinaire Kanye West isn’t it?

Get those smelling salts out.

Ultra-alopecia and ex-Kanye sex sufferer Amber Rose has came forward and told everyone who’d listen that while Kimothy Klux Kardashian was seeing NFL star or something, Reggie Bush, she was also seeing West, while they were dating.

“She’s a homewrecker! They were both cheating. They were both cheating on me and Reggie with each other. She was sending pictures, and I was like, “Kim, just stop. Don’t be that person”"

That’s what Rose told almost everyone before waxing lyrical about her new love, who we don’t care about.

Now, this isn’t going to make much of an impact on the reputation of the Kris Jenner Sex Worker Sect, there’s still other members of the family to be flaunted.

Maybe Jenner could get Khloe to have an affair with Prince William (alas, with Kanye in the fray and rumours of Kobe Bryant getting salivated over, she really does seems to be only choosing people who have names that begin with K) or use Kim’s arse as advertising space for Pepsi, they’ve clearly got as much self-respect as cockroaches.

And just like cockroaches, it’ll be the Kardashians who come out on top after the Apocalypse, flaunting radiation burns and cholera as the new fashion, while taking their pick of the mutated.

Who’ll probably still be much better in bed than that Kanye West.

Poor Kim Kardashian. Aside from being bafflingly influential and disgustingly wealthy, she’s had a troubling 2011. Remember people accusing her and her family of dealing with sweat shops? Remember her 40 second marriage to some hoop chucking dillweed?

Well, that’s all about to change!

Yessum, 2011 has taught Kimly Kim K that, if things are going to get better, then she has learned that she need ‘to always follow her heart.’ All she has to do now is grow one.

The Famous For No Discernible Reason Human got into the spirit of New Year as she partied with her mother, Kris Jenner, at Tao Las Vegas. Wait. That’s not right. That’s what losers do. What kind of dweeb hangs around with their own mother on the one night you’re encouraged to drink your liver deathward and tap off with people you’ve just met?

Either way, People magazine have quoted her as saying:

“I learned to always follow my heart”

How bad did things get? Well, more awful than you can ever imagine. Not only did she move in with her mother, but she also… and this is incredibly difficult to write… she didn’t wear any make-up over the Christmas period. She said:

“I didn’t wear a stitch of make-up”

Because she wears so much of the stuff, we can only assume that her real, naked head is roughly the same size and a half-melted peanut M&M, like that guy from Beetlejuice.

Either way, stood in her thigh-high Gucci dress and Loren jewels, she’s now ready to move on.

“I’m looking forward to moving forward, and never looking back”

“Who else is soooo ready to let go of 2011 and have the best 2012 ever!”

Yay! Here’s to all those other people who have had a disastrous PR year in the fallout of a sham marriage! And there’s been quite a few of those!

Y’know, once upon a time, we would’ve speculated about the gayness of the people involved in these convenient marriages wouldn’t we?

We are all getting far too lazy.

After Kim Kardashian split with her husband after an incredibly short period, now Sinead O’Connor is in on the act ending her marriage to Barry Herridge after a paltry 16 days. She was wed in Vegas on December 8 and call it a day on Christmas Eve.

It feels like there’s something stirring.

Like what? Well, we have a theory. Our celebrities are getting married and then making a sham of it. There can only be one reason for this. No. Not because they’re all entitled lunatic who shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house. Rather, they’re doing because of the gays.

Sinead O’Connor has written on her official website that the couple only managed to live together for just seven days before calling time on their relationship.

That’s impressive isn’t it? A whole week of married hell. Of course, the Irish Catholics will be doing somersaults about this as they reserve a particular loathing for Sinead in their icily useless hearts.

Apparently, the drive-thru wedding came about because her new husband was heavily pressurised by people close to him and that’s why their marriage had to end.

On her official blog:

“From the moment myself and my husband got together not long ago, there was intense pressure placed upon him by certain people in his life, not to be involved with me.”

O’Connor also claimed that their wedding had been “kyboshed” within just three hours after their wedding, not to mention the fact that the pair went on a mad Supermarket Sweep style dash in the hunt for drugs on their wedding night so that they could celebrate.

So what’s the craic? Well, with right-wingers all lambasting the notion of gay marriage, it seems that all our celebrities are going to roundly mock the notion of wedlock altogether so that, in the future, when people talk of the sanctity of straight-marriage in the eyes of god, there will be a thousand celebrity weddings that make a complete farce of it all.

The natural progression is that Justin Timberlake will be next, getting married for 20 seconds before calling it quits, paving the way for Miley Cyrus to find a beau and conduct a televised event where she simultaneously gets married and divorced, melting the legal veracity of all future marriages.

It’s going to be brilliant.

The Klan Kardashian got a lovely message for the holiday season from a human rights organisation. Where they just exchanging pleasantries? Of course not. Human rights organisation are always serious, always fretting and forever shouting about stuff.

Assuming that they weren’t offering high-fives to the Kardashians, we have to ask: What have they supposed to have done now?

Well, some group in hemp hats claim that the reality TV dimwits’ clothing lines are manufactured in horrific Chinese sweatshops where the workers are “abused and virtually imprisoned.” Still, at least Kim K is getting aroused. By brutal sweatshops or something else?

Charles Kernaghan, executive director of the Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights, says:

“The Kardashians are in bed with some pretty bad people…”

No. They aren’t talking about Kim’s sextape with Ray J.

“I would be clearly stunned if these factories were even minimally decent, because that isn’t how China operates”

The Kardashians apparently make $65 million a year from junk like this, and will be hoping that all this is just plain wrong. However, the clothing lines (which include include K-Dash by Kardashian, ShoeDazzle, and the Kris Jenner Kollection for QVC) are allegedly made in foreign sweatshops, where workers are subject to “inhumane conditions.”

Kernaghan continued:

“You can’t talk during working hours. You can’t listen to music; you can’t stand up and stretch. You can’t even put your head up and look around, or you will be screamed at. If you get permission to use the toilet, you get four minutes.”

Sounds like working for a bank in Britain in fairness. Alas, the wages in these factories are a bit lamer. The clothing manufacturer in China that made the Kardashians’ clothing line for Bebe last year paid factory workers just eight cents for each shirt they completed. According to China Labor Watch, staff often worked 12 hours a day, six days a week for the hourly wage of $1.75.

Still, that shouldn’t spoil Kim Kardashian’s quest to shag every single celebrity on Earth who has a name that starts with a ‘K’ (look out Cheggers and K-Fed) as she’s managed to erase all those suffering Chinese children from her mind by imagining fun-times with the barely filed for divorce Kobe Bryant.

There’s loads of brilliant rumours flying around that Kardashian wanted the Lakers star so bad that she got her mum, Kris Jenner, to leaked some very unpleasant details about Bryant’s sexual escapades to his wife, leading to the divorce being filed.

How great is that? Yeah. Forget about those suffering children in factories being bullwhipped by bug-eyed task-masters.

PS: The Kardashian family are totally suing over the sweatshop allegations. Lawyers, piss off.

The internet can be a dark and cruel place full of cyber bullies hiding behind anonymous usernames and bastards like us, who are rewarded by the mainstream media for having blogs dedicated to slagging off celebrities.

Ha!

In fact, the internet is such a vile cesspool of hate that the stars have come out and whinged about how they’re being made fun of too much and it hurts their feelings and that people should care about their pointless little lives and treat them as humans and not the dancing monkeys they actually are.

Those bastions of integrity, Miley Cyrus, Kelly Osbourne and the ugly Kardashian sister, have all taken to the internet in order to criticise it for it’s propensity to bully and ridicule, something we here at hecklerspray would never stoop to.

After all, who are we to ridicule a group of talentless shills that are only famous for having a relative who either wrote a well known song or made a particularly boring sex tape.

Whilst Khloe Kardashian is content with just stomping her Jimmy Choos and whining about how horrible the internet is, she profiteers her sisters name. Osborne and Cyrus are doing something about it, by saying that social networking site Twitter should ban all cyber bullies from its site.

What Kelly, Miley and Khloe are going through is obviously so much worse than the countless young people and adults that are bullied both in person and online on a daily basis. After all, how are they meant to cope? It’s not like they have millions of dollars in the bank, an array of in varying countries houses and staff to wait on them hand and foot.

Oh, and of course, it’s not like they have PR people to help them maintain their own image.

What’s that? They do! Well, maybe they should stop complaining about how hard their lives are and front some anti bullying campaigns.

Feel free to quote all the dreadful, bully-sounding things Kelly Osbourne has aimed at other celebrities in the past decade or so.

As if Kim Kardashian’s awful and gut-wrenching break-up with Kris Thingummydumbass wasn’t awful enough – not only for her, but the entire watching, breathless world – she’s been rocked by a tragedy involving boots.

Did someone, possibly sick of her television antics, insert one into her backside with great force?

No. It’s far, far worse than that. Seriously. Read on for the most harrowing celebrity news story you’ll ever read in your entire life. Far worse than anything involving propofol or being filmed urinating on minors.

Holding back the tears, we discovered that Kimmy Kim K was having the most traumatic episode in humankind’s 400 year history.

She was worried that she was going to have to sleep in her high heeled boots because she couldn’t get them off.

That’s right. Her gigantic calf muscles were imprisoned inside some spray-on boots and she tried for nearly half an hour to prise them away from her weeping feet.

She said to a traumatised twitter:

“Can’t get my boot off &I’m all by myself! Don’t know what 2 do! LOL I need someone to pull it off! Been tryin 4 20mins! #SleepingInStilettos”

Nearly 3,000 people committed suicide at the news and, worried about Kimmly Kardoodlibobs being at the end of her notoriously long tether, emergency helplines were set-up to console fraught fans.

Kimmo considered alerting her sleeping 14-year-old half-sister Kylie Jenner to come and help her.

“Do I wake up @KylieJenner to help me take my boot off? I’m really struggling over here! LOL Grrrrrr”

Then, much like the relief shown when those Chilean miners emerged from the underworld, the entire universe cheered when the good news arrived!

“Finally got my boot off! pheeewwwww”

Now, the world is again at peace as Kim is now able to carry on doing her hugely important jobs around the world. We are so very, very lucky.

The NME has this year decided that the coolest people in the music industry are a bunch of no-names and people we hate with every fibre of our disgruntled being; they will never make it and, if they’ve already ‘made it’, then their last name is Gallagher and we have absolutely no opinion on that anymore.

Being the snide swine we are, it was suggested that we fight the powers that be and show the world of celebrity what’s what and who’s nobody, so here it is in all its underwhelming un-festive glory.

So, in a very well thought out (hastily typed out at midnight last night) attempt to tackle the elitism issues that NME have raised, we got our youngest, hippest (Hahahaha! – Ed) hecklerspray writers – Lauren Mullineaux and Sophie Hall – to create what we consider to be the healthier way to present a list of terrible human beings. We present to you: Hecklerspray Presents: The Anti-Cool List. Presented. To you. List.

Coldplay:

Chris Martin and the boring company he keeps isn’t just limited to his choice of wife, but his band too. His life is pretty much a homage to Bono which is the worst way to live out your days as far as we’re concerned. They played Glastonbury and it was far too, far too ecstatic. They also released an album called Mylo Xyloto because they’re so bloody fresh. We’re British guys so please just take your emotion and your wives heads and go to America where they are a-okay with public displays.

Ricky Gervais:

His grubby stumps are grasping onto the Hollywood sign with everything he’s bloody got these days because he ran out of jokes about five years ago. Remember that one where he was mean to the celebrity? Remember when he wore tiny shorts? Remember when he was fat? We liked him then, thin people are so dull.

Sam Faiers:

We have never seen The Only Way Is Essex, but we understand exactly why this young woman was attacked in the streets by the naysayers. Frankly we’re sickened she had the gall to then moan about this ‘vicious attack’ like she deserves better than Jesus. Click here to see what she looked like post stoning.

Levi Roots:

Haha. What an absolute idiot this man is, he’s not even un-cool he’s just absolutely, unnervingly, refreshingly stupid. Yes, we were all disheartened to learn that Levi Roots stole, HE STOLE, his Reggae Reggae sauce recipe from his business partner. We thought we could trust the Dragon’s to be sharp suited beacon of honesty in these turbulent times, but this throws everything into disarray.*

Michael Jackson:

He’s not really un-cool is he? We’re just yanking your chain. You know what is un-cool though? Dying. Yeah Michael, screw you, screw you and your wonderfully child-friendly nature, we’ll get our kicks elsewhere from now on.

Daybreak:

If it’s already broken don’t make it more broken, is an old proverb that the big-wigs at ITV have never heard. GMTV was a godsend in comparison to this amalgamation of ugly people with sunny dispositions. If you want to hate yourself at 6 AM then join the army. It’s comforting to know that a lot of people have been sacked for this.

Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries/Marriage:

Possibly the best and most irritating story of the year from America’s fairy tale family of dimwits. We learnt about how to make a quick buck from true love, it was true love right? How could it not be between a preppy princess and the dumbest man who ever lived? Kris is religious and instead of playing basketball he just bounces it off the wall and into his head.

The Olympics:

Lord Coe or whatever he’s called these days lobbied for literally hours to win us the right to host the Olympics and so that means we have to spend all of our non-existent money building something to look better than a smog covered birds nest.  We have a logo, a nightmarishly, child scaring logo that was designed by the steel loving ghouls of Monsters Inc.

Mark Ronson/Katy B:

We recently learned that the only thing worse than 2012 being ruined by The Olympics is a theme song for the Olympics; you’ll never guess what shining beacons of British pop culture are going to be creating that future Samaritans favourite.

Ashton Kutcher:

It’s 2011 which means that nobody remembers the pretty-but-stupid one from That 70’s Show, Ashton didn’t like this, Ashton got sad, Ashton had an affair, grew hair all over his face, and replaced Charlie Sheen on the worst sitcom to ever disgrace Comedy Central—no mean feat.

Chris Brown:

What a piece of work this young felon is. Not only did he beat the woman of our dreams and global pop sensation Rihanna but he then bought a house near her after his restraining order was dropped by the too kind for her own good sweetheart. We like the one where he storms out of an interview for being asked about his boxing habits unexpectedly. Also he hates handicapped people now.  Not cool Chris, not cool. We hope your glass bedroom gets smashed up in one of your rages.

Justin Bieber:

Truth be told, this kid is probably living the coolest life of any 17 year old ever to have existed, but that doesn’t make him cool now does it? And since we’re cynical and depraved of love, we consider him the antithesis of cool. This year Bieber cut his hair and then cut it again… then a woman said he’d impregnated her (or statutory raped her one). And then he went and made a flirtatious video with 41 year old Mariah Carey that’s full of children and pervy Santa Clause.  He’s so young and happy and infecting the world with his joyful lack of charisma.

Benton:

It’s a man chasing a dog chasing some deer and the whole stupid internet starts puking happiness. By the way he’s called Fenton.

Johnnie Marbles:

This is the guy who you immediately added on twitter after he attempted to pie Rupert Murdoch in the face. You probably regret this decision, but haven’t yet unfollowed him. He thinks he’s so cool that he could never be cool. What is cool is Wendy Murdoch lunging forward and punching him in the head.

Charity:

The third world has been in third place for so long now, please will the judges award them silver next year so we can all move on. We can’t take all the obnoxious drama students following us in the streets for £3 a month, we can’t take seeing sad animals or Terry Wogan on television, we can’t take the guilt every time we drink clean water or don’t get AIDS from having sex. There’s nothing wrong with third place, but runner up is much better.

Technology:

Blackberry had a pretty appalling year with the catastrophic and consistent failure of everything it touched, but at least their founder and principal cool dude didn’t pass away before his time.  We use Android so we’re laughing all the way home with our internet access and ability to ring people… but others weren’t so lucky. 2011 was the year communication on-the-go came to standstill as both iPhone and Blackberry broke down at the same time.  Paperweights coincidentally made a massive comeback.

Sarah Palin:

If we hear anyone say the words ‘soccer mom’ next year we might have to deflate all the ‘soccer’ balls silently in the night with neutron bombs. It’s been a terrible year for the hottest lady in politics as the true extent of her red neck status was revealed. A millions thousand affairs, a shit of a brick for a daughter, and a stalker of an un-official biographer… all alleged of course. Politics just isn’t for everyone is it? Get back to your bear traps.

Downton Abbey:

Somehow, the opposite of a gripping drama has glued you great people to your couches to watch ITV every week. Yes, ITV of all things! It’s as if the entire nation just gave up, sighed, and resigned themselves to the fact that ITV was going to keep making original content if we didn’t settle for something. Why the heck you all settled for a period show with Dead—ahem—Dame Maggie Smith over a crime drama starring Trevor Eve we’ll never understand. BORING.

Rioting:

If 2011 had a theme it would be unrest… and what signifies unrest if not rioting? Usually we watch Egypt, France, and lots of passionate European countries riot, but this year we took to the streets to show we can do it too.  We didn’t do it very well and we didn’t do it for any particularly good reasons. We had lots of protests, but the riots in the heat of the summer nights were crassly consumerist. It’s not that the police couldn’t cope with the destruction they just didn’t think we were worth it. If you’re going to pinch some jeans, the very least you could do is accept the challenge of stealing them from a staffed shop in daylight; pussy.

Bankers:

In the 80’s bankers were cool; that’s what Wall Street taught us anyway, they had a perfectly acceptable level of the devil inside them.

McDonald’s New Advert:

Every single time this comes on, which is a lot, we think it’s for a dating site because it should be and every single time we realise it’s not we hate ourselves a little bit more. The golden arches are supposed to advertise themselves using slogans about how much you’re going to love their manufactured mess, not this misleading twee crap. We’ve taken to muting the TV when it comes on before cutting out our eyeballs with cow horns. Just in case like.

Florence and The Machine:

The only good thing that can be said about them is: at least they’re not Laura Marling.  That shouldn’t be the only redeeming quality in anything.

Azaelia Banks:

Lauren – She was number one on the NME list so we had to include her for posterity, but if it’s any consolation then we don’t think her song’s very good either. She makes us feel old.

Sophie – Nobody has ever mattered less.

Christmas Number 1’s:

Remember when Christmas number 1’s were Christmas songs, created for the occasion? Yeah, us neither. And so on and on rages the tiresome battle between the winner of The X Factor and a popular ‘alternative song’. Give us a bloody break will you? Nobody actually cares. It’s a ploy brought to your easily influenced brains by the record companies so that they can make more money. Save yourself a quid and illegally download them both instead that way everyone’s a winner in your heart and that’s the true meaning of Christmas.

Kelly Rowland

From the years 1981 to 2010, Kelly Rowland was pretty much an inconsequential fragment of life. Then this year, ITV1 thought “Err…yeah, alright” and BANG! A career-woman was born, as Kelly got the gig as judge in the ‘new generation’ line-up of X Factor, providing quite a lot of cocaine and laughs along the way.

Sinitta

In essence: Just not a very good idea.

Michael Jackson

Don’t know if we have the energy.

Frankie Cocozza

On his own, he was a particular nuisance. Combined with Gary Barlow, he was our indie Himmler, getting booted off the X Factor for doing some sort of self assuring drug taking to the utter disgust of Beacon of Humble Gary Barlow  (See below.) This would be the same Gary Barlow whom, after putting him through at the judges houses stage of the competition, turned to Robbie Williams and said, “If there’s one thing I’m not going to let this guy do – is behave.” Well, well, well.

John Lewis Advert

Where did a little 10 year old boy find the time and the money to go to some sort of shopping centre (UNSUPERVISED) and buy his mum and dad this ‘present’? The one where the woman died at the end was far funnier.

Peter Andre

Dear Peter, it’s all very well and good doing all those things that you do. We have no beef with that. But when you open up a Literacy Project with Boris Johnsson and hope nobody will notice, we may need to tell you to ‘sling it’ a tiny little bit.

Lady Gaga

She has only come out of one form of female reproduction this year. Must try harder in 2012.

Nick Clegg

Well, it was all going so well for Nick. What with the whole not shafting the country thing and the yellow section at Tie Rack. But then he went and did the whole shafting the country thing, and unfortunately it didn’t work out incredibly well.

Alex Reid/Chantelle’s unborn child

If you take into account Darwin’s theory of natural selection and THIS video, it really doesn’t bode well for this kid at all. “We share a lot of common experiences. Like Big Brother. And marriage.”

Brian May

We do worry about Brian May. He’s been very ‘up’ for things lately. Last week for example, he even went on stage to perform with The Darkness. He even has a blog now for god’s sake. Initial symptoms of a major depressive episode, or just very very enthusiastic about being Brian May? The answer is of course, C) He’s a Bohemian Rhapsody twiddling sell-out.

Scarlett Johanson’s boobs

And we thought her Other Anne Boleyn Girl acting was a bit wobbly! WAHEY! (Dear Scarlett Johnansson, thank you so so much for taking photos of your nude form.)

Gary Barlow

“So Gary, what do you think about your latest inclusion as an X Factor judge and altogether more successful songwriter than Paul McCartney off of The Beatles?” “I think the children should eat more healthily.” Ah okay then. Do one, Gary.

The Collective

Such a disrespectful thing to do for the children. Especially released the same week as Children in Need. Oh wait, it WAS for Children in Need. Well, that’s just awful.

Beyonce’s Fake Pregnancy Bump

Hearty congratulations and all that, Beyonce. But all this ‘Mmm delicious’ pregnancy acting don’t wash with us. YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT WITH A BABY! How could you possibly be? You are Beyonce, that of many a loin. Definitely not cool.

Men

With the launch of Bridesmaids this Summer, it was suddenly realised that men were awful and women were… Jesus, a bit funny to say the LEAST! You’d think all those years inhaling smoke fumes in the kitchen would have detatched us from a sense of humour! But NO! We did it girls! Women: Quite literally, the new men.

Sky News

16/33 miners saved? GREAT! Perhaps next time such an event occurs, you could also provide us with a pie chart of their diminishing blood sugar levels!

The Smurfs

Right. You know smurfs? You know movies? You know conglomerations of smurfs and movies? Nah. Us neither, because obviously none of us watched Smurfs: The Movie, starring Katy Perry and Alan Cumming and other people who grossly misjudged themselves. But it’s not bad. After scoring a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, the film eventually picked up to an admirable 23%, and also secured a sequel (SMURFS 2!) in 2013. Lovely.

Google +

We were all so excited, weren’t we? So excited that we could pick up your name and put it in a circle next to someone else who we previously put in the same circle. The exclusive ‘secret invite’ process made us all feel like we were part of a secret haven, better than other people, better than suckers registering Linkedin Accounts. Eventually though, it turned out that Google Plus was awful and pointless. You probably all read our comedic appraisals in our status updates about it at the time. On Twitter.

Emma Watson

There’s a hell-a lot of things we don’t like about Emma Watson. Sure, she has a People Tree fashion range endorsing us to help the community. Sure, she starred in a One Night Only video as a dog. Sure, she cut her hair short and vetoed her entire 20s and 30s. Sure she attended a university and then cried because she was JUST TOO FAMOUS and went home. We can live with all that.  In 2011, Emma Watson became the patron to the Wild Trout Trust. Well now she’s just taking the piss.

Lars Von Trier

One of your more sophisticated mentals now, as we look back on the escapades of Lars Von Triers. After securing success with his quaint little sci fi apocalyptic drama Melancholia, Lars made what The Sun may call a ‘gaffe’, (but we’d probably go with something more along the lines of ‘Quite awful thing to say actually’) about the nazis. Here’s the video to remind you all, but in essence, the whole thing gets articulated much better with a gif wall of Kirsten Dunsts reactions to him.

Justin Timberlake

AND he bought bloody Myspace.

Diva Fever

A very last minute shoe-horned appearance from X Factor favourites (Well, not FAVOURITES, per se, but you know. People who went on X Factor at some point, regardless) have basically done this. And we’re displeased.

——————

*Levi Roots has disappointingly won the legal battle because nothing about ‘his’ recipe was ever secret apparently and this was much more interesting when he was a thief.

The Kardashians are the closest thing America has to a Royal Family. Basically, they’re incredibly wealthy, do very little to earn it and are gigantically dislikeable yet still, we watch them when they’re on the TV, muttering swear words under our breath.

At least Americans don’t keep Kim Kardashian in velvet femidoms with their taxes like us gullible Limeys do.

Of course, with royalty comes sham weddings and of course, Kim K recently tied the knot with Kris Humphries who, bless his stupid thick skull, is only just working out that perhaps, perhaps, Kim Kardashian didn’t even vaguely love him and, in fact, used him as a breathing prop for her television show. Ain’t love grand?

Naturally, Kris Humphries is too thick to form proper sounds and would take hours to manage a simple ‘PUH’ noise, so we have to rely on trustworthy, eloquent sources to chatter on his stupid behalf.

God. We can only hope that they’re not making up a load of old shit about him!

Anyway, sources very close (as in, ‘stood right behind him but he’s too dim to notice’) tell TMZ:

Kris is gunning for an annulment based on fraud because he feels “he was just slotted in the plot line of Kim Kardashian’s latest headline and newest business venture.”

Kris believes (or; has been told by someone who can breathe with their mouth shut) that Kim never intended to stay married to him. However, she needed a groom to hike up the ratings for her show.

One source says:

“Once they were finished taping, she just didn’t need a groom anymore.”

Poor ol’ Kris. He’s nothing more than a pawn. People surrounding Kris are also noting that he’s showing signs of fury because there’s some that think he was in on the wedding scam:

“He would have never flown in his childhood pastor to marry them and involve his church.”

Or, he’s preposterously stupid. He’s a man who has probably tried to kick the moon everytime he sees it in the night sky.

Either way – THE DIVORCE NASTINESS IS ON! WAHOO! HULK MAD!

We all know that Kim Kardashian’s wedding was a big con. It’s as plain as the nose on her vaguely famous face. Still, we all let America have a moment with it because they wanted their own Tesco Value version of the Royal Wedding and no-one wanted to kill their buzz.

And now, the entire population of the United States of America is dazed and confused, unable to trust, bereft of loving thoughts because Kardashian’s marriage came to an abrupt halt and things seemed fishy. No. Not like that.

With the USA finally cottoning on that the whole thing was a TV induced sham, a man has come forward to underline that point with his Stabilo Boss highlighters. And this man is Jonathan Jaxson, a man who not only has a preposterous surname, but also, used to work as Kim’s publicist. This means he knows exactly what she’s like, right? RIGHT.

Jaxson, who worked with Kardashian (it’s here you’d normally refer to the subject by their job title to refrain from overuse of their name, but alas, we’re still not sure what Kim Kardashian actually does so we’ll just have to break the rules slightly, okay?) from 2007 to 2009 has been dubbed a master of media manipulation.

What a great thing to be able to do! He’s probably manipulating us all right now. Anyway, this master of the dark arts says:

“She knew weeks before getting married she didn’t want to do it”

“She’s never gotten over ex Reggie Bush”

Reggie Bush, of course, is Kimmy’s ex-beau and they used to get up to things like this…

Anyway, while Jaxson was talking with his mouth-hole on the ‘The Elvis Duran Morning Show’, the publicist also revealed that he had “staged” a number of media stunts for Kardashian while she was his client.

“I staged several of the moments that the world has seen of her, such as a ring that we alleged was from Reggie Bush”

“It was December 26, 2007 – I remember the day. She was going to go shopping with her grandmother and her mom and we said, ‘Let’s do something to get more press for you.’ She said, ‘Perfect. Let me go to a ring store and walk out as if Reggie Bush were proposing to me… I have ring I love and adore – it’s seven carats. I’ll keep it in my purse.

“It was calculated to a T and then it was leaked to a magazine”

Who would’ve ever guessed that people in the spotlight would be so vacuous and underhand, eh?

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You all remember Kim Kardashian, right? She’s the business woman and entrepreneur who is also the star of her own reality television series with her whole family. She’s worth a bit of cash is Kim but, in keeping with the American dream, vacuous idiots can always have more.

Is Kim Kardashian a vacuous idiot? IS SHE? WE ASKED IF YOU THOUGHT KIMMY K WAS A BLITHERING NINCOMPOOP?

No, of course she isn’t. Why?

Well, you might remember (or have had it forced down your throat by us every two days for the last month) that Kim was married to a young gentleman called Kris Humphries. Their marriage lasted something like 70 days before it was declared that they were splitting up citing “musical differences” or some such nonsense.

Many people with an iota of sense have claimed that the marriage was a stitch-up job, designed to allow Kim to sell the TV rights to her inspiring ‘life after Kris’ story and make a mint in the process. You’re probably thinking “Oh no! Poor Kris Humphries that I’ve never heard of before!” Don’t worry. He’s in on it too.

That makes Kim Kardashian a very intelligent woman indeed. Imagine the show! Think Katie Price’s documentary after her split with middle-parting extraordinaire Peter Andre. But with a bigger arse and a bigger budget.

Sounds exciting, doesn’t it? The chance to see a grown woman pretend to be heartbroken for the benefit of a camera crew. Still, she’s got to keep the illusion up and who better to “set the record straight” than Kim’s very own Mum.

Dear ol’ Mama Jenner told Now! Magazine:

‘It certainly wasn’t a sham or something for TV,’

It certainly was.

‘We have enough going on that we don’t need to make things up.’

They don’t have to make things up. They have enough going on. They’ve just finished redecorating the Moon Base and they’re now moving on to upgrade the engines in Mrs Jenner’s Krispy Kreme sponsored Donut Rocket.

‘Kim really felt like she was in love with money Kris Humphries. It was an amazing time. Like all of us that were watching, I had no idea there was a problem.’

Perhaps if they had done a ‘Newlyweds’ style show, the American public could have seen the cracks forming! Everyone likes to see a couple hurtle perpetually towards a messy divorce.

‘It saddens me that one of the rumours is we sold the TV rights, which isn’t true. And that she profited from the wedding is absolutely not true.’

It’s not true, y’hear? Not true. That’s her mum saying that and she would have been involved in the negotiation of any TV rights so you can rest assured that it’s all poppycock.

‘She feels like she’s let a lot of people down. She’s sick about it.’

That’s true. It hasn’t been the same since Stuart Heritage left.

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