Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
So, in last year’s HecklerSpray Advent, I listed all the Kardashian pregnancies as one of the year’s pop culture highlights, so this year I’m obviously going to list those actual babies!
Kris Jenner got THREE new money-makers this year with the births of Chicago (horrible name), Stormi (great name), and True (I’m indifferent).
Years ago, I made a Facebook status saying “On a scale of 1-10, how whacked on ecstasy was Kim Kardashian in her sex tape with Ray J?” I mean, girls jaw was going so crazy she could’ve cracked a jawbreaker in one bite.
Well, on the most recent episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians (aka the Kardashians admit or deny shit we all already know to be true), Kim admitted she was super high on ecstasy during her sex tape, to which I respond: duh, bitch, we know.
Happy Birthday to Satan’s Main Bitch, and the Queen of Queens, Kris fucking Jenner. When she’s not dealing with the ridiculous drama going down with her 47 million kids, she’s drunk on a yacht with Jennifer Lawrence, and I really respect that about her.
While Scott Disick is typically my favorite member of this shit show of a family, Kris definitely has her moments, and to celebrate her birthday, I’d like to list 10 times Kris Jenner made me goes “Mmmhmmm, yes bitch, I feel you.”
It seems like just yesterday I was happily blogging about an insane Lindsay Lohan, probably fucked out of her mind on knock off Xanax, roaming the streets of Moscow, trying to steal random homeless children, screaming about how they were Syrian refugees who were being child trafficked. Simpler times, man, simpler times.
Anyway, while Lohan is being tracked down by Chris Hansen over in Russia, here in good old North America, we have our own messy af celebrity to deal with, and, surprise surprise, it’s Kanye fucking West.
Exactly two years ago today, I wrote a blog suggesting that Kylie Jenner was single white femaling her older sister, Kim Kardashian. Well, here we are, just a couple of years later and bitch’s transformation from Kylie Jenner to Kim Kardashian 2.0 has officially been finalized.
I get that little sisters often look up to their big sisters, but Kylie Jenner’s idolization of Kim Kardashian has maybe gone a little too far. Let’s examine, shall we?
I’m not 100% sure when Kanye West became the black James Franco–in that he’ll literally do anything he’s asked to do, even a guest skit on General Hospital–but here we are. Last night, the first ever Pornhub awards took place (I have a lot of questions about this, which I’ll get to), and guess who served as the creative director for the awards show?
Kanye. It was Kanye. You read the fucking title of this blog.
I go out of town for the long Labor Day weekend, and all three Kardashian sisters make the news. Of fucking course. Between Kim maybe banging Drake, to Khloe maybe getting married, to Kourtney maybe getting back together with her younger boy toy, the original spawns of Kris Jenner have really been pimping out the shitty new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Let’s start with Kris’ original favorite child a.k.a Kimberly Kardashian West, who some have speculated is the “Kiki” Drake is rapping about in “In My Feelings” (Just a heads up, I don’t buy that for a second).
For someone who considers themselves a fashion genius, Kanye West sure does dress himself up like my grandpa a lot. Case in point: Kanye and Kim Kardashian attended 2 Chainz wedding this weekend and Kanye wore open toed slippers. Yep. He wore slippers to a fucking wedding.
The only place in the WORLD wearing slippers to a wedding is acceptable is maybe a retirement complex in Florida and the Goulds here in Newfoundland (don’t even get me started).
For years, I have been writing about how fucking ridiculous celebrities are, but also how surprisingly relatable they can be. I actually made an entire list back in 2014 of ways I found Kim Kardashian relatable, however, the tides have really turned.
As the years have passed, some of my favorite celebs have gone from being my soul sisters to just…messes. I think you can see where this is going. Yes, I have compiled a list of celebrities I can’t relate to anymore, so, like sands through the hour glass, these are the bitches that now have me rolling my eyes.
As we’ve learned over the past decade and a half, Kanye West isn’t exactly subtle when it comes to discussing his feelings. He’s said George Bush didn’t like black people, that Taylor Swift didn’t deserve her MTV award, and that Donald Trump was cool, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when he revealed in a new song that he was sexually attracted to all of wife Kim Kardashian’s sisters.
In his new song ‘XTCY’, Kanye admits that he wants to “smash” Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, and Kylie, and, tbh, I think Kris Jenner is probs really offended he didn’t include her in his list of family members he wanted to fuck.
