If someone said ‘Kim Cattrall’ to you, chances are, you wouldn’t know who the shit they were talking about. If they held up a photograph of them, once you’d stopped questioning why they were so keen to get your opinion on something, you’d say “that’s her from Sex And The City and absolutely nothing else!”
Or you might say – “Mannequin. Wasn’t she in that? No idea. Will you please leave me alone now, because I’ve got things to be getting on with.”
Basically, this no-mark actor will forever be thought of as Samantha Jones from SATC and no-one thinks any different, right? Wrong. See, Kim Cattrall is under the impression that the good people of Blighty don’t just view her as being her Sex And The City character. When we do.
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Sex And The City is a show that should have been taken to a public square and flogged to within an inch of its life, leaving only a greasy stain and a pair of expensive shoes. Effectively, the show managed to make womankind look like the most vapid, arrogant, backward idiots ever to walk this awful revolving speck of dust we call our planet.
One of the most jarring characters in the show was dead-eyed, corpse-minge of Samantha as played by Kim Cattrall.
And because us plebs consistently forget that these people are actors, portraying a fictional creation, we’re happy to assume that Kim is exactly the same as her most famous role or, at the very least, people get the two confused… which is why she’s right to be frightened of the dating game.
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The next few weeks see the start of Clearing, as thousands of students will discover which university they’ll attend.
And all of them want to go to Liverpool John Moores University. This is because Kim Cattrall from Sex And The City has just been made a fellow there. Just imagine, sitting next to Kim Cattrall in lectures. Having Kim Cattrall as your housemate. Getting hammered on diluted lager and unsuccessfully trying to feel Kim Cattrall up during fresher’s week and then doing your best to avoid her for the entire three-year course because the pain of rejection is too much for you to take.
What? Kim Cattrall has only been made an honorary fellow at John Moores University, which doesn’t actually mean anything? They may as well have just given her a scroll reading ‘You are famous and we are desperate for attention’? Oh.
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The Sex And The City movie was fun, but we didn’t like the way that nobody looked frighteningly haggard in it.
But someone up there is listening. The Sex And The City stars have all signed on for Sex And The City 2, so soon we’ll get to see Kim Cattrall‘s clodge looking more tired and wizened than ever before!
In fact, with the cast getting older as movies become more immersive, we’re sure that Sex And The City 2 will be the first movie where the audience gets a free HRT patch and a scoop of KY jelly on their way in.
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If you thought 94 episodes of Sex And The City and one entire feature-length Sex And The City movie weren’t enough, this is your lucky day.
Well, technically it isn’t your lucky day at all, because if you still don’t think that 94 episodes of Sex And The City and one entire feature-length Sex And The City movie have fully satisfied you, then chances are you qualify as being medically mentally ill. You should probably get that looked at.
But aside from that, it probably is your lucky day a bit, because Kim Cattrall has declared that Sex And The City 2 is definitely going ahead. Great – presuming it takes three years to make Sex And The City 2, the four main actresses will have a combined age of 192 by the time it’s released. Luckily the writers are taking this into consideration, and the subplot about Sarah Jessica Parker‘s vaginal prolapse is thought to be very moving.
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