killing - HecklerSpray

Donald Trump Jr Slices Elephant Up To Compensate For Small Penis

March 13th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Shocking, shocking news! The spoiled son of an already dislikeable multi-millionaire has gone to a foreign land and done something that most people will find rather unpleasant. Is this what we’ve become? A world of wealthy people acting like berks? Bring on the Trumps.

As well you know, Donald Trump is an unsavoury claptrap with a fondness for demanding to see black people’s birth certificates, as well as having a haircut that is combed all the way up the spine from long, wiry anus hair.

With that in mind, chances are that his son was always going to grow into being just like his pappy – notably, a grating pillock. And he’s not letting us down, going to Africa and killing an elephant for a laugh. And yes, WE HAVE A PICTURE OF IT.

Badvertising: Two Rubbish Adverts For The Price Of One

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

There is a definite trend of companies recycling their expensive adverts of yesteryear in order to save themselves a bit of cash. To be honest, there isn’t a lot we can say as a criticism of that. Times are tough and if your product hasn’t changed very much then why bother going to the effort of making a whole new advert to?extoll?the exact same virtues.

While there’s nothing wrong with it on the face of it, some ads remind us that they were completely awful in the first place and, like last week, we’re looking into the murky, sugar-loaded world of soft drinks.

Cliff Richard Wants To Kill Your Elderly, Mental Relatives

October 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Cliff Richard hates the mental. It’s official. He thinks that they should all be locked up in an asylum and gradually killed. Maybe once an afternoon. While they’re enjoying Cash In The Celebrity Bric-a-Brac Stand probably.

Catch them off guard while they’re trying to figure out who the bell ringing killer is on Midsomer Murder. Imagine how mental David Dickinson looks while you’re under the influence of some “humane” poison.

If he had the chance, Cliff would happily pop a mentalist’s clogs for them as well.

Apparently, If You Mix Charlotte Church With Booze, You Get To See Her Knickers Around Her Ankles

July 13th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Charlotte Church likes a drink. She’s by no means an alcoholic, but she doesn’t half like a night out on the tiles. However, sometimes, you can stick a bit too much booze away and end up making a fool of yourself.

When you’re a celebrity, it isn’t advisable that you get so drunk that you do stupid things because the caring general public are likely to whip out their phones and film you acting the goat.

And in the case of our Charlotte, she’s been allegedly filmed with her underpants around her ankles… and yes… we’ve got a grotty picture of said event.

Gavin Henson To Waft His Bits Around In Terrible UK Version Of The Bachelor

June 15th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Hello there reader. By any chance do you happen to be an egg chaser? What's that? You are! How bloody excellent, you probably fit into the 9% of the population who can name more than one rugby player who isn't Johnny Wilkinson or Gavin Henson. The only time the country cares about rugby is when the national team is about to win something and ironically the sport has better achievement rates than football.

But then again, fans of football look down on rugby lovers as they see it as inferior sport. Probably how doctors secretly mock vets for not being good enough to operate on humans.

These days, the only real household name associated with That Stupid Sport is Gavin Henson. He was once married to opera singer turned pop princess Charlotte Church. Unfortunately, the couple didn't last and soon split. So what's the best method to find a new partner? Seek the advice of friends of family? Or make a tit of yourself on a copied version of an American TV show? You can see where this is going can’t you?

Levi Johnston To Troll Sarah Palin For The Rest Of His Life After He’s Written Tell-All Book

April 26th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Levi Johnston is the master of the art of trolling. It appears his sole aim in life is to annoy supreme pencil neck, Sarah Palin, ’til she reaches the point of explosion. Of course, when she finally KABOOMS, the sky will be thick with impotent rage and garbled words spelled out like the sky has been attacked by a dyslexic skywriter.

Better yet, is that Palin can’t really do much about it because Levi is the father to her grandson. He’s always going to be part of the Palin family.

So imagine the next time they awkwardly meet up, when Levi announces that he’s writing a tell-all book about Palin and her mental, trigger happy family!

Celebrities Stalked And Hunted By Mysterious Evil-Doer, ‘The Boiler’

February 10th, 2011 By Randy Figgins

Many of today’s ‘slebs employ massive entourages of big burly security men to protect them from the outside world.? Which is, of course, filled with vicious, drooling, semi-morons who care capable of doing anything from asking for an autograph to decapitation followed by a helping of necrophilia.

And today the world becomes a much scarier place for the world’s spotlight dwellers.

hecklerspray can reveal that Charlotte Church narrowly survived an attempt on her life.? Friends of the shouty welsh mum-of-two said Church was “lucky to be alive” after the lucky escape in her ?1.3million mansion.

Earth Contemplates Sudden, Swift Suicide As Bristol Palin Announces Interest In Politics

February 9th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Looking at Sarah Palin, it is hard to imagine a more terrifying political human. Her staggering simplery along with gasping vapidity is far too close to the nuclear codes for our liking. You’d be forgiven for thinking that things could only get worse if Glen Beck announced his intention to run for office.

Until that crushingly inevitable day occurs, we can look forward to another horror.

That’s right citizens of this failing planet! Bristol Palin fully intends to follow in her mother’s waddling political footsteps. This is the signal we’ve all been waiting for. The end is nigh. Kill yourselves now.

Bristol Palin In Contention For Most Pointless Memoir Ever To Be Written

February 8th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Over the past ten years or so, the world has been flooded with countless pointless memoirs and autobiographies. You’ll be able to read Justin Bieber’s soon, which will no doubt say “I was born three seconds ago and I sang some songs and can’t work out how to undo Selena Gomez’s bra, The End.’

And now, we’re due another utterly pointless document in the shape of a memoir from Bristol Palin. She’s hardly known for being a raconteur is she?

This isn’t plain ol’ hearsay either. Bristol’s memoir is already showing up on Amazon.com. We are, presumably, supposed to be thrilled at the prospect of reading about someone with a simpleton mother, teenage pregnancy and how hard it is wobbling around like a giraffe on a see-saw on ‘Dancing With the Stars’.

Bristol Palin Starts Dating Alaskan Pipeline Worker Who She Probably Met While Sarah Was Guarding It With A Rifle

January 25th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The Palin family are just great aren’t they? In Sarah Palin, we have a woman who doesn’t know a single thing about the world outside of Alaska (she probably thinks Mary Poppins is a gritty documentary about England) and in Bristol, we’ve got a gal who has the cold, dead stare of someone who has witnessed the unspeakable.

Of course, she used to date the most hilarious man in America – Levi Johnston – a man made entirely of satire. He got her pregnant, then promptly went about slagging off anyone with the surname Palin. That probably includes Michael Palin.

Anyway, after being rubbish at dancing on television, Bristol has been looking for love or something. And apparently, she’s found it in the most likely of places – The Alaskan pipeline!