Gordon Ramsay has more nervous tics that One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. He twitches, jiggles and burps ‘Uh?’ while swearing like Tourette’s bus. Why no-one has certified this man mental is quite beyond us.

And we’ve not even looked at his weird, weird face. It looks like a cliff face that’s falling into tge sea.

With that, the fact he got get on fire, it’s hard to imagine that anyone actually noticed any difference from him. He looks weird, swears a lot and cooks flesh. If you were in the next room, you’d carry on doing your crossword wouldn’t you?

All this happened while Gordo was shooting a documentary in Costa Rica about the illegal shark fin industry.

It’s here that you assume that Ramsay nearly set himself on fire while cooking some hideously dull looking meal. You’d be wrong.

See, some fishmonger’s henchman attempted to set fire to him.

How great is that? Give that henchman a Bafta!

Not talking up the incident in any way, shape or form, Ramsay told Playboy magazine:

“That was a little bit hairy… The fishmongers have these armed guards patrolling fortress-like towers, so we tried to get in and ran into a guard.

“They poured petrol all over my hair and neck and tried to set us on fire.”

So there.

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With remakes, reduxes and various tinkerings of our childhood favourites plaguing cinema at the moment, there’s been little joy looking back at the films we once loved. However, here’s a little something that should slap a smile across that stupid head of yours.

Unseen for many, many years, footage has leaked from Indiana Jones and the Temple Of Doom set, where Harrison Ford is on the receiving end of a practical joke.

This ain’t any ol’ joke though. This is a prank that features Carrie Fisher, Irvin Kershner and… get this… Barbra Streisand as a dominatrix.

Director Steven Spielberg invited Fisher and Streisand onto the set to torment Harrison during a whipping scene, which sees Indy strapped to a rock.

The footage is a little grainy sadly (but still gold), and we see Ford with his back turned, no idea who is whipping his ass. As Babs thrashes away, she shouts:

“This is for Guns of Navarone! For Force Ten! This is for Hanover Street! This is for all the money you’re going to make on Return of the Jedi!”

Then, Fisher appears and plants a huge kiss on Harrison Ford’s bemused face, seeing him asking who the devil it was, to which Carrie replies:

“Someone who needs you!”

Ultimately, Harrison Ford yells:

“Really hit me! Really hit me this time!”

Watch the video here.

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Charlie Sheen may be duller than ditchwater these days, but it hasn’t always been like that. In fairness, it has mostly been like that, but there was that glorious month when he completely lost his mind and we all laughed at him.

It all started getting good when he KOed a chandelier in a hotel while a woman trembled with fear, crying in a washroom cupboard. What made it better was that his children and ex-wife were just across the hall, staying quiet and low like they were hiding in an air-raid bunker.

Well, Sheeno wasn’t happy about that evening (despite having a whole heap of fun by the sounds of it) and decided to take out a lawsuit against the terrified women in the closet – Capri Anderson. Now, it appears, he’s not so keen to lay a legal smackdown on her ass. Why?

Charlie has whistled while sloping away quietly from a lawsuit against Capri, the bongo film actress whom Sheen had alleged tried to extort $1 million from him after a “consensual encounter” at NYC’s Plaza Hotel… not to mention the notion that Sheen had that she’d swiped a $165,000 watch of his.

Charlie promptly went about venting his fist-shaped spleen on everything in his hotel room while hammered and naked. He was later hospitalized.

Anderson later said that Sheen had grabbed her by the throat and threatened to kill her, which despite being thrilling like fiction, was denied by the ‘actor’.

However, everyone is walking away from the lawsuit now, hopefully because Capri is threatening to spill the beans on something that she knows about Charlie which is really really really damning and weird. We hope its that because, inevitably, she’ll come out and talk about it anyway.

Meanwhile, the show that Sheen starred in at the time – Two and a Half Men – is definitely severing ties with Sheenola. Basically, the writers are going to kill Charlie.

We’re hoping he drives a car off a cliff, just like the way Sheen did in real life not that long ago. Or indeed, if the killing-off is based on reality, it’d be great if a chandelier took its revenge on Sheen’s character by kicking him senseless toward a tiger cage where the actor will learn first hand about ‘Tiger Blood’.

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Charlie Sheen was once the talk of the town. He enchanted us all with his spectacular nervous breakdown, his drug taking, his fondness for pornography, his punching of chandeliers and his inventing of various phrases. However, he went off quicker than an opened yoghurt.

Still, we left Sheeno with his custody case with Brooke Mueller and his many girlfriends (or ‘Goddesses’ as he preferred), so while we mocked his slope away from the limelight, he still seemed to have an enviable, if brain-rotting life.

Or not, as it transpires. See, these days, since no-one really gives two shits about Charlie Sheen (he’s clean of drugs now, thereby, he’s as boring as Robert Pattinson), those that enjoyed sharing his limelight have decided to walk away from him. He’s no longer eccentric and famous, rather, he’s just a weirdo now. And long gone are his goddesses as Charlie now find himself horrible single and invariably rummaging around trying to find his dealer’s phone number again.

The lamest warlock who ever lived has just watched his last remaining goddess wave ta-ta to him, leaving him with a life of weeping into microwaveable chilli con carne meals.

Natalie Kenly moved out last week, which saw Sheen being typically dickish about it, saying

“it’s not a common thing for the Masheen!”

He then  went about ‘declaring war on the entire world’ with his penis, ‘conquering’ three women from three different countries (if you’re wondering which, the invaded countries were Mexico, Australia, and Colombia). He didn’t exactly wait for Kenly to get out of the house in time either, which is incredibly kind of him.

Still, at least he has the hope that, perhaps one day, all the trouble that surrounded his exit from Two And A Half Men may be forgotten, allowing him to return to the show, humbled and ready for work.

Or not.

Sadly for Sheen, his character is going to meet a very violent end. It seems that the writers of the show are looking at Chef’s sticky end in South Park for inspiration. They don’t just want to kill the character off, but rather, humiliate Charlie Sheen in the process.

We like the idea of Sheen’s character dying of venereal diseases from having sex with too many women. It isn’t out of the question either because rumour has it that the writers are looking at taking something from Sheen’s life and sticking it into the show. A while ago, Sheen’s car was found in a ravine, with him umming that it was nothing to do with him. His character could well die in a car crash from a cliff, according to sources.

Next week: We feel kinda bad for mocking Sheen as he overdoses on prescription medicine.

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The Indiana Jones franchise should’ve stopped when it got to film 3. Sean Connery didn’t exactly light the screen up in a decidedly average film, but still, it was a decent enough romp which signalled that the team behind the films were clean out of ideas.

But did that stop them? Of course it didn’t. George Lucas is involved and he can’t stop picking at his own scabs, god forbid he actually tries to make a brand-new film that has no legacy to fall back on.

And Shia LaBeouf has cleared his little throat to confirm that a fifth Indiana Jones movie could be in cinemas soon, to which we must all now start making our excuses not to go see it.

Shia spoke of the Indy5 project while out promoting the third Transformers film, another film that is trading solely on some imagined nostalgia for the ’80s which, if you were there, will testify how awful it was. We can’t let that get in the way of some coins for a movie studio though… although, why they haven’t tried to make a feature length swashbuckler of The Mysterious Cities Of Gold is quite beyond us.

LaBeouf says:

“I talked to Harrison. He said he’s staying in the gym. He said he’s heard no word, but he does know that George [Lucas] is out there looking for a MacGuffin [plot device].”

“He said he’s staying in the gym, so it means, you know, it’s not so far off.”

That, or he’s been eating too many Twinkies and he’s being slagged for his muffin top hanging over his Levi’s.

Of course, the last Indiana Jones movie, The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, was a stinker, only adored by the most deluded fans of Indiana Jones, George Lucas and Harrison Ford (of which there are many, granted).

Even LaBeouf admits that Crystal Skull had “dropped the ball”, presumably hoping that a new flick will pick it back up again, lest it transpires that the ball is actually a giant stone marble, willing to crush the puny humans that get in its way.

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In an ouroboros circle of narcissism that’s going to be the reason the universe implodes in on itself in 2012, Katie Price has been spotted with ankle ink that would appear to mark the date she met her latest boyfriend. Which would be fine. Except she’s been dating this latest guy for all of three months and change.

Katie and boyfriend-of-the week, Leandro Penna, have been spending time together since February. This February. The February during which everyone else was getting knocked-up or getting married.

Okay, okay. Maybe meeting and instantly falling in love with some bloke she just tripped over in the street is the lesser of those evils. So long as her womb stays empty and she doesn’t sprint down the aisle again, we’re not going to fight her on this one.

We’re just genuinely perplexed by the logic behind a tattoo of the date she met Leo, when that date was only weeks ago. Unless she’s got negligible short term memory and she’s inking herself in a Memento-style effort to keep track of whom she’s bedding, it’s a touch redundant.

Even if the ink’s temporary, which it could be, it’s still stupid.

As well as staging pictures with her new boyfriend, poolside in Marbella, prominently displaying ‘Leo 27-02-11’, the couple is starting fake engagement rumours too.

During a book signing in early May, Katie wore an enormous diamond ring on her engagement finger. Not the middle finger, which, given the insult to people’s intelligence, would have been more fitting. Pictures showed Katie holding up copies of her latest poorly-penned and probably ghostwritten book, making sure to showcase a ring she likely bought herself.

It’s pretty headache-inducingly hackneyed at this point. And it’s always a convoluted misstep before she marries whichever virtual stranger.

Wait, do we hear wedding bells? Oh no!

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

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The imagined coalition of ‘The West’ has been uniformly sickened with scenes of whooping rebels, cheering the deaths of Americans in various terrorist attacks. See, The West has a moral highground on this one because, when we go around killing people, we get a note from our mum’s first (or, as they’re officially known, The United Nations).

And so, this weekend, the untimely death of Osama Bin Laden has seen pretty much everyone sit up and take note. Alas, in a mass display of pot meeting kettle and pointing out what colour it is, Americans have stood in the streets, cheering and whooping the death of a man.

Political analysts have been flooding us with conjecture and opinion, most pointing out that this isn’t a matter of killing the head so the body dies, rather, this is just the beginning of yet more faeces hitting the already caked fan. But sod those guys! What do our greatest minds – musicians – think about it all?

Green Day’s intelligent singer, Billie Joe Armstrong, who once sang on an album which featured monkeys throwing handfuls of shit around, warned:

“Do not turn the man into a martyr”

Too late. Same goes for the killing of Gaddafi’s recent losses. These recent scalps saw the typically cynical Chuck D (y’know, the guy from Public Enemy – no, not the one with the clock. That’s Flava Flav) sighing:

“USA is at it again , number one in the rankings of Killing Championships. Stealing the Gold in the Murder Olympics, and the crowd goes wild!”

The unfathomably popular Frank Turner quoted Mark Twain:

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

Of course, country musicians were typically patriotic.

Blake Shelton wrote:

“Sorry if this seems disrespectful but I’m so glad that piece of absolute s**t Osama is dead.”

However, all these people with brains don’t matter. We all need to know what 50 Cent thinks about the whole thing don’t we? Well, via twitter, he simply linked to this track. Not only is the song a piece of incredibly cynical opportunism, but it also contains a Charlie Sheen meme.

Listen for yourself… and let your jaw slowly hit the floor.

Agog.

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Katie Price loves horses. This is mainly because they don’t talk back to her or give her hassle about her terrifying face, which has been manufactured by the world’s worst plastic surgeons, determined to make her look like a Hubba Bubba/gallstone hybrid.

However, she has had some trouble with horses, notably the ones that the wheels of her car crushed to death!

That’s right! The Artist Formerly Known As Peter Andre’s Wife has been involved in a car crash that killed two runaway stallions. The tragic news is that the former Jordan has got whiplash.

Apparently, Price was riding with her fella – some douche called Leandro Penna – in her jeep, which collided with the horses, one of them smashing through the windscreen.

Now, you may well be thinking that Price is so dead-inside, that she asked Penna to chase a bunch of hosses around a field in their 4×4 in some grisly game of death-tag, just for kicks… but you’d be wrong wouldn’t you? What actually happened is that the creatures leapt over a fence and directly in front of the vehicle, being killed instantly as well as writing-off the jeep.

It appears the animals no longer wanted to live in a world where Katie Price was considered a celebrity. The people most upset about all this though are the camera crew who were passengers at the time. They’re all wildly inconsolable because they weren’t filming at the time.

Katie said, without moving her face once:

“It was absolutely terrifying. It all happened in a flash and I have absolutely no idea how I wasn’t badly injured. I feel so lucky, but more than anything I’m just distraught about the horses. It was so upsetting.”

A spokesperson for Price confirmed the accident had happened and two horses had been killed, before breaking into a moving tribute, which can be heard here.

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Adele – great voice, shame she’s a dick – must have an album out soon because she keeps cropping up in the press talking about inane rubbish. No different from any other popstar then? Well, that’s not strictly true because some of the things Adele’s been coming out with are just… odd.

Recently, she chastised herself for being an idiot when it comes to men (expecting them to be able to read her mind) and talked about her gay friends crying on her doorstep all the time (what is she doing to them?), but all that has nothing on her latest tale.

Basically, she nearly killed P Diddy. With a golf buggy.

Now read that back. Adele nearly killed Puff Daddy with a golf buggy. Did any of you have the same image in your mind that we had in ours? That Adele picked up the golf buggy with her formidable arms and tried to beat the rapper into a coma while cackling like a maniac?

No? Okay. Spoilsports.

She talks about the incident:

“I was shooting a video on one of the big American plots, six hours I was there and I wasn’t doing anything”

“So I convinced someone to let me drive a golf buggy. I ran the battery out by the end of the day.

“P Diddy must have been doing a fragrance advert or something. I was in the buggy with a mate and I saw him. I meant to put the brake on and go, ‘Oh, you’re P Diddy!’ But I hit the accelerator.”

“He had to dive out the way. As we went past I was like, ‘You’re P Diddy’. He just said, ‘Yeah, I know’. I almost, almost killed him.”

Nice to see that P Diddles is so calm in the face of death. Very slow moving death if we’re being honest. Those golf carts don’t move too fast, especially when being driven by one of Britain’s biggest pop stars.

And yes, we meant that as a lame joke.

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Harrison Ford – who famously played Chewbacca in the Star Trek films – really hates Indiana Jones or something. So much so that he wants him dead. Dead than Hugh Hefner’s loins.

He wants to kill Indy so Shia LaBeouf (one of the stupidest names ever) can continue the franchise as Indy’s son, Mutt.

Imagine that. A film called Mutt Jones. How dreadful. Would anyone be able to ask for a pair of tickets to go see Mutt Jones and the Crusade of the Fantastical Bone Arse? No. No they wouldn’t. You’d mutter it like you were asking for condoms or jazz mags.

Apparently, some twerp reckons:

“Harrison thinks it would be good for Indy to die and pass on his hat to his son in the next one. George [Lucas] especially is resisting the notion but Steven [Spielberg] is considering it.”

“Funnily enough Harrison wanted the same for Han Solo in the final Star Wars but George put an end to it. This time he doesn’t have all the say though.”

Now, LaBeouf was pretty critical of 2008′s Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull but, being an actor who is constantly in fear of getting no more work, he might be up for towing the line should Spielberg, Lucas and Ford decide on an idea for the plot of Indiana Jones 5.

LaBeouf has reportedly been given a script treatment and he thinks that the whole thing…

“sounds crazy, but sounds really cool.”

Indiana Jones 5 won’t be hitting the screens anytime soon as Spielberg is busy making a Tin Tin movie, as well as working on movies about Abraham Lincoln and giant robots (hopefully in the same film).

George meanwhile is staring at a room filled with Jar Jar Binks merchandise and wondering why everyone hated a homosexual Rastafarian so much and gently rocking back and forth, talking to himself in a Jawa voice.

Sad really.

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Right. Nerds. Listen up. Read these words. SPOILER! SPOILER! POTENTIAL SPOILER! SPOILER! OI! SPOILER ALERT! SPPPPOOOOIIIIILLLEER! Okay? Now, if one of you whines and bitches about having your rubbish life turned upside down by some rumour about a TV show, you’re an idiot.

Now we’ve got the pleasantries out of the way, we are now faced with the obligatory filler which often starts articles like this because you can’t give any clue to spoilery future events at the start of an article because people might see it by accident. This means, a whole bunch of pointless words to carry you to a sufficient place where a page break can be put in place, so that readers can then make the decision of whether or not they want to hear a bit of gossip.

In this case, it revolves around Doctor Who and a character being killed off, as the headline suggests.

Now we’re on the other side, we can get down to the nitty-gritty. Well, the nitty-grittish at least.

Basically, the rumours flying around today are muttering that Doctor Who bosses are planning to kill off Amy Pond (Karen Gillan, aka The Fittest Woman To Ever Appear In Any SciFi Show Ever) half-way through the next series.

Various sites and papers are suggesting that the companion will die as part of a devastating plot twist.

Whovian Steven Moffat previously revealed that the next series of the show would be split in two, suggesting that the first half would conclude with “one of the most exciting… cliffhangers and plot twists ever”.

Now, an unnamed source/spoilsport/chatterbox gossip has said that Karen Gillan will depart the show after the initial batch of episodes.

So there.

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The world of entertainment has lost another of its true greats, adding yet another name to the list of death in the last few months.

Following the hysterical splurge of affection for a man who just the day before was being mocked around the clock on Michael Jackson‘s death, through the shameful ignorance shown by the general populace on Steven Wells‘ death and after the rather embarrassing position David Carradine seemed to get himself into – before dying in said position – we have been left shocked by yet another loss.

Ozzy Osbourne‘s dog has been eaten by a coyote.

It’ll be alright – wipe away the tears.

The doddering metal god was saddened to learn that his little Pomeranian, Little Bit, was apparently eaten by a coyote. Why the animal thought Ozzy’s pointless excuse for a dog was something worth spending time killing we’re really not sure, but apparently that didn’t stop the demonic hound of hell.

But why didn’t the grandfather of darkness intervene and shake at the beast while swearing in an incomprehensible outburst to stop it from the (probably quite comedic to watch) mauling? Why, because he was watching the Michael Jackson memorial, of course.

So while Ozzy Osbourne was sat watching a tearful child, recently deprived of her father, speak publicly for the first time in her life – which happened to be to billions of people – one of his favourite pets was being torn to pieces by a naughty wild dog.

That’s quite possibly the saddest day that’s ever happened.

Here – look at something funny to cheer yourselves up… this will do.

A source told THE NEWS:

“Sharon and Ozzy love their dogs to bits. It’s like losing a family member. They are both devastated.”

And from the sound of things, the coyote loved it to bits too. Just for different reasons.

For anyone worried about the potential for wild animals to attack their pets – badgers are little fuckers, after all – the Department of Animal Services had these handy words at… hand:

“Wild animals are opportunistic, and coyotes fit this mould very well.”

Wild animals in ‘fitting the mould of wild animals’ shocker.

As websites go, hecklerspray is one particularly bent on justice.

For instance, we think Charles Manson should get another life sentence or two tacked on to that which he was already given. We’d like to see Ted Bundy get executed again, and for the love of Pete we think it high time Rachel Ray finally gets what’s coming to her.

What’s coming to her is cookies or something. As far as we know she has never killed people on a mass scale, and deserves very little incarceration if any.

Another piece of undeniable justice that deserves to be held high pertains to one Mark David Chapman. We think he killed Marilyn Monroe or something. Anyway, he was up for parole for the fifth time recently – and once again got denied.

Probably because even seventy years later, people still really, really like Marilyn Monroe.

In 1980 Mark David Chapman, in a move he has since said was ‘wrong,’ stood in front of a good man and trigger-pulled five times. He eventually plead guilty to second degree murder and was convicted to a sentence of 20 years to life.

Well the twenty years is long-since up. He’s put in for parole four times in the past, and has been shot down every time. Fitting.

He just put in for it again – and the parole board came to the same decision. We couldn’t find a transcript for his most recent hearing, but we did come across one from 2000. Here’s an excerpt [sic]:

“Q. This involves an incident occurring in December of 1980 whereby you were in possession of a .38-caliber revolver. You apparently had some premeditated thought with regard to this incident. You waited for the victim in question, Mr. John Lennon, and at an opportune time, you apparently shot him a number of times, maybe as many as four or five. The record indicates that perhaps the revolver discharged five times. You hit him four times with the hollow-point bullets, and indeed you caused his death. Is that an accurate depiction of what happened, sir?

A. Yes, sir, it is.

Q. Can you please tell us what you were thinking about at the time and why you would do something so horrible?

A. I, um, flew to New York a few months before that to do that crime with full meditation in my heart. I then was able to somehow turn myself around and came back to Hawaii, and I told my wife that all was fine. And then the urges started building in me again to do this crime, and I flew back to New York on December 6th and checked into a hotel, and then on the day of December 8th, stayed outside the Dakota waiting for him with intent to shoot him and kill him….

“Q. And, Mr. Chapman, have you given thought in those long twenty years as to what’s behind all of this and why you were so possessed with doing such harm to this person who, for all of us having read about this, was doing no harm to whatsoever on your life or your you at all, had no livelihood; have you given thought to that —

A.Yes, I have.

Q. — why you had to single this guy out?

A. I was feeling like I was worthless, and maybe the root of it is a self-esteem issue. I felt like nothing, and I felt if I shot him, I would become something, which is not true at all.

Q. Mm hmm.

A. But that’s why I shot Mr. Lennon.

Q. And him in particular because he was someone that you admired, or you locked at him and his stature, and you thought this would have some impact on your life, sir?

A. Well, I originally — what happened was I was in the library, and I was looking through some books, and I came across a book called One Day at a Time, and I saw him there with photographs in front of his residence, the Dakota, and I was full of anger and resentment, you know. I took it upon myself to judge him falsely for — for, you know, being something other than, you know, in a lotus position with a flower, and I got angry in my stupidity. So it started with anger, but I wasn’t angry the night I shot him.”

To read more of that hearing, click right here. Its lengthy and interesting.

That’s a little farther into Chapman’s head than you ever wanted to get, right? Us too – unless its with an ice cream scoop.

But then violence using ice cream related hardware never solved anything now, did it?

Katherine Heigl is well known for violently hating everything she’s ever been involved with, to which the logical answer is obviously death.

That was thought to be the reasoning of the Grey’s Anatomy team, anyway – sick of listening to Katherine Heigl bitch on about everything all the time like the dreadful donkeymouth she certainly appears to be, rumour had it that they were going to kill her character off in the most painful, degrading, mean-spirited way possible.

Sadly that’s not the case. An ABC bigwig has come forward to publicly declare that Katherine Heigl is going to live forever, more or less. On Grey’s Anatomy, at least – for all we know someone might push a piano out of a helicopter onto Katherine Heigl’s head tomorrow. By the way, if that actually happens, we had nothing to do with it. We looked into it and helicopters are impractically expensive.

Remember when Katherine Heigl was voted everyone’s ideal girlfriend? Who the hell voted for that? Katherine Heigl would be a terrible girlfriend. Perhaps the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends. And it’s all down to her impossibly toxic attitude, which seems to equate ‘good old-fashioned honesty’ with ‘utter toe-curling obnoxiousness’.

You’ll remember, of course, the time that Katherine Heigl publicly tried to force her Grey’s Anatomy co-star Isaiah Washington off the show just because he was a teensy bit angry and homophobic. Or the time that she looked back on Knocked Up, the movie that made her famous, and slated it mercilessly. Or the time that she did exactly the same thing to Grey’s Anatomy.

It’s a habit, and people are getting sick of it. Especially the production staff on Grey’s Anatomy, if earlier rumours were to be believed. Rather than work with Katherine Heigl again, it was reported that Grey’s Anatomy was planning to murder her character by giving her a gigantic agonising brain tumour.

The rumours didn’t sound particularly feasible at the time – because if we wanted to kill Katherine Heigl’s character, we’d have her face attacked off by wolves, or have her spine obliterated after a 50-storey fall down an abandoned lift shaft, or we’d give her Ebola or we’d set her on fire and push her down the stairs or we’d drown her like a witch – and now it turns out they’re not.

Rejoice, single remaining Katherine Heigl fan! Your hero will live! ABC boss Steve McPherson told E! Online:

“She is absolutely staying with the show. She has an unbelievable storyline for her this year, which is really central to everything that is going to go on this season. Shonda is really excited about that; she’s the one who actually crafted that.”

Great, give Katherine Heigl exactly what she wants – that’ll cure her attitude problem, won’t it? They’re really not going to kill her off. They’re not even going to maim her a little bit. That’s just asking for trouble in our opinion.

The Grey’s Anatomy writers should at least write in the possibility of Katherine Heigl’s death. For example, it wouldn’t take much to end every episode with Heigl saying “Bye everyone, I’m off to see how long I can put my head inside a crocodile’s open mouth,” or “Are you all coming to my ballet recital over on the abandoned minefield tonight?” At least that way it wouldn’t be too hard to get rid of her after her next inevitable snotty outburst.

Yes, we’ve thought about this one quite hard.