Following the hysterical splurge of affection for a man who just the day before was being mocked around the clock on Michael Jackson’s death, through the shameful ignorance shown by the general populace on Steven Wells‘ death and after the rather embarrassing position David Carradine seemed to get himself into – before dying in said position – we have been left shocked by yet another loss.

Ozzy Osbourne’s dog has been eaten by a coyote.

It’ll be alright – wipe away the tears.

The doddering metal god was saddened to learn that his little Pomeranian, Little Bit, was apparently eaten by a coyote. Why the animal thought Ozzy’s pointless excuse for a dog was something worth spending time killing we’re really not sure, but apparently that didn’t stop the demonic hound of hell.

But why didn’t the grandfather of darkness intervene and shake at the beast while swearing in an incomprehensible outburst to stop it from the (probably quite comedic to watch) mauling? Why, because he was watching the Michael Jackson memorial, of course.

So while Ozzy Osbourne was sat watching a tearful child, recently deprived of her father, speak publicly for the first time in her life – which happened to be to billions of people – one of his favourite pets was being torn to pieces by a naughty wild dog.

That’s quite possibly the saddest day that’s ever happened.

Here – look at something funny to cheer yourselves up… this will do.

A source told THE NEWS:

“Sharon and Ozzy love their dogs to bits. It’s like losing a family member. They are both devastated.”

And from the sound of things, the coyote loved it to bits too. Just for different reasons.

For anyone worried about the potential for wild animals to attack their pets – badgers are little fuckers, after all – the Department of Animal Services had these handy words at… hand:

“Wild animals are opportunistic, and coyotes fit this mould very well.”

Wild animals in ‘fitting the mould of wild animals’ shocker.

For instance, we think Charles Manson should get another life sentence or two tacked on to that which he was already given. We’d like to see Ted Bundy get executed again, and for the love of Pete we think it high time Rachel Ray finally gets what’s coming to her.

What’s coming to her is cookies or something. As far as we know she has never killed people on a mass scale, and deserves very little incarceration if any.

Another piece of undeniable justice that deserves to be held high pertains to one Mark David Chapman. We think he killed Marilyn Monroe or something. Anyway, he was up for parole for the fifth time recently – and once again got denied.

Probably because even seventy years later, people still really, really like Marilyn Monroe.

In 1980 Mark David Chapman, in a move he has since said was ‘wrong,’ stood in front of a good man and trigger-pulled five times. He eventually plead guilty to second degree murder and was convicted to a sentence of 20 years to life.

Well the twenty years is long-since up. He’s put in for parole four times in the past, and has been shot down every time. Fitting.

He just put in for it again – and the parole board came to the same decision. We couldn’t find a transcript for his most recent hearing, but we did come across one from 2000. Here’s an excerpt [sic]:

“Q. This involves an incident occurring in December of 1980 whereby you were in possession of a .38-caliber revolver. You apparently had some premeditated thought with regard to this incident. You waited for the victim in question, Mr. John Lennon, and at an opportune time, you apparently shot him a number of times, maybe as many as four or five. The record indicates that perhaps the revolver discharged five times. You hit him four times with the hollow-point bullets, and indeed you caused his death. Is that an accurate depiction of what happened, sir?

A. Yes, sir, it is.

Q. Can you please tell us what you were thinking about at the time and why you would do something so horrible?

A. I, um, flew to New York a few months before that to do that crime with full meditation in my heart. I then was able to somehow turn myself around and came back to Hawaii, and I told my wife that all was fine. And then the urges started building in me again to do this crime, and I flew back to New York on December 6th and checked into a hotel, and then on the day of December 8th, stayed outside the Dakota waiting for him with intent to shoot him and kill him….

“Q. And, Mr. Chapman, have you given thought in those long twenty years as to what’s behind all of this and why you were so possessed with doing such harm to this person who, for all of us having read about this, was doing no harm to whatsoever on your life or your you at all, had no livelihood; have you given thought to that —

A.Yes, I have.

Q. — why you had to single this guy out?

A. I was feeling like I was worthless, and maybe the root of it is a self-esteem issue. I felt like nothing, and I felt if I shot him, I would become something, which is not true at all.

Q. Mm hmm.

A. But that’s why I shot Mr. Lennon.

Q. And him in particular because he was someone that you admired, or you locked at him and his stature, and you thought this would have some impact on your life, sir?

A. Well, I originally — what happened was I was in the library, and I was looking through some books, and I came across a book called One Day at a Time, and I saw him there with photographs in front of his residence, the Dakota, and I was full of anger and resentment, you know. I took it upon myself to judge him falsely for — for, you know, being something other than, you know, in a lotus position with a flower, and I got angry in my stupidity. So it started with anger, but I wasn’t angry the night I shot him.”

To read more of that hearing, click right here. Its lengthy and interesting.

That’s a little farther into Chapman’s head than you ever wanted to get, right? Us too – unless its with an ice cream scoop.

But then violence using ice cream related hardware never solved anything now, did it?

That was thought to be the reasoning of the Grey’s Anatomy team, anyway – sick of listening to Katherine Heigl bitch on about everything all the time like the dreadful donkeymouth she certainly appears to be, rumour had it that they were going to kill her character off in the most painful, degrading, mean-spirited way possible.

Sadly that’s not the case. An ABC bigwig has come forward to publicly declare that Katherine Heigl is going to live forever, more or less. On Grey’s Anatomy, at least – for all we know someone might push a piano out of a helicopter onto Katherine Heigl’s head tomorrow. By the way, if that actually happens, we had nothing to do with it. We looked into it and helicopters are impractically expensive.

Remember when Katherine Heigl was voted everyone’s ideal girlfriend? Who the hell voted for that? Katherine Heigl would be a terrible girlfriend. Perhaps the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends. And it’s all down to her impossibly toxic attitude, which seems to equate ‘good old-fashioned honesty’ with ‘utter toe-curling obnoxiousness’.

You’ll remember, of course, the time that Katherine Heigl publicly tried to force her Grey’s Anatomy co-star Isaiah Washington off the show just because he was a teensy bit angry and homophobic. Or the time that she looked back on Knocked Up, the movie that made her famous, and slated it mercilessly. Or the time that she did exactly the same thing to Grey’s Anatomy.

It’s a habit, and people are getting sick of it. Especially the production staff on Grey’s Anatomy, if earlier rumours were to be believed. Rather than work with Katherine Heigl again, it was reported that Grey’s Anatomy was planning to murder her character by giving her a gigantic agonising brain tumour.

The rumours didn’t sound particularly feasible at the time – because if we wanted to kill Katherine Heigl’s character, we’d have her face attacked off by wolves, or have her spine obliterated after a 50-storey fall down an abandoned lift shaft, or we’d give her Ebola or we’d set her on fire and push her down the stairs or we’d drown her like a witch – and now it turns out they’re not.

Rejoice, single remaining Katherine Heigl fan! Your hero will live! ABC boss Steve McPherson told E! Online:

“She is absolutely staying with the show. She has an unbelievable storyline for her this year, which is really central to everything that is going to go on this season. Shonda is really excited about that; she’s the one who actually crafted that.”

Great, give Katherine Heigl exactly what she wants – that’ll cure her attitude problem, won’t it? They’re really not going to kill her off. They’re not even going to maim her a little bit. That’s just asking for trouble in our opinion.

The Grey’s Anatomy writers should at least write in the possibility of Katherine Heigl’s death. For example, it wouldn’t take much to end every episode with Heigl saying “Bye everyone, I’m off to see how long I can put my head inside a crocodile’s open mouth,” or “Are you all coming to my ballet recital over on the abandoned minefield tonight?” At least that way it wouldn’t be too hard to get rid of her after her next inevitable snotty outburst.

Yes, we’ve thought about this one quite hard.

So says Dr Jack Hattem, who, backed up by secret FBI files, says the Hollywood bombshell was somehow fooled into believing she would be revived in time as part of a plot involving Senator Robert Kennedy, the brother of JFK, who was gunned down 40 years ago this week.

Instead, Monroe, who staged many fake suicide attempts throughout her life to gain sympathy, was left to die by staff and friends. It’s all in Hattem’s new book Marilyn Monroe: Murder By Consent.

Certainly, Marilyn Monroe may have been dead for 46 years, but that doesn’t mean that people have stopped speculating about the circumstances of her death. We spoke to Dr Hattem and listened to some of his more compelling claims, including where Kennedy was on the night of Marilyn Monroe’s death and why the recently unearthed Marilyn Monroe sex tape might not be the only one knocking about.

This is turning out to be quite a big year for Marilyn Monroe. Not only has Lindsay Lohan aped her by getting naked and covering herself with a net curtain, but a Marilyn Monroe sex tape has also apparently been uncovered in recent months. So with sex dealt with, what about death?

While it was ruled to be suicide, theorists have long had their doubts about the way that Marilyn Monroe died – and thanks to a set of FBI records released 20 years ago that have been inexplicably ignored until recently, those doubts seem to have some substance.

According to Dr Jack Hattem’s book Marilyn Monroe: Murder By Consent, Monroe died because Robert Kennedy, along with Monroe’s close ‘friend’ and Hollywood actor Peter Lawford, convinced her to make another fake suicide attempt.

Caught between his family, who wanted to play down its relationship with Marilyn Monroe and the fact Monroe was threatening to shop a red diary containing ‘pillow talk’ between the pair and confidential secrets about the Cuban Missile Crisis if he ever left her, Robert Kennedy and Rat Pack member Lawford hatched a plan to visit Monroe on the day of her death. Hattem said:

“It is my guess that they had discussed with her, in no uncertain terms, that they needed for her to fake a suicide attempt. They guarantee she would be woken up, and that the fake suicide attempt would gain her so much sympathy from 20th Century Fox – who had fired her – that she would get her job back. But they threatened her somehow. She could be talked into things, because she wanted desperately to be cared about.”

At the time, Kennedy denied the visit, claiming he was in San Francisco. Which he might have got away with, except for the fact the FBI just happened to be busy tracking both Robert Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe at the same time. Hattem explained:

“The CIA had long considered Marilyn Monroe a threat to national security from the time she had married Arthur Miller, because they thought of him as a leftist. Then the FBI started listening in on her phone calls and tracking her – even to Mexico, where Bobby Kennedy had a fling with her. A private detective took an audio tape of Bobby Kennedy and Marilyn in an ‘affair’. The FBI was tracking Kennedy, their boss, all over the place and listening in on his conversations, possibly because Hoover wanted something on Kennedy – and he certainly got it, because as she was dying, they were listening in.”

Adding to the muddle is Marilyn Monroe’s housekeeper Eunice Murray, who found her face down on her bed, and her psychiatrist Ralph Greenson.

Apparently, Monroe fired Murray on the day of her death – which Hattem suggests is why she didn’t rush to try and revive Monroe; and was sleeping with Greenson – who allegedly gave Monroe an extra-large dose of barbiturates on top of what she already had been given.

What’s most interesting, though, is Dr Hattem’s story of the conversation between Bobby Kennedy and Peter Lawford at around 4am the following morning:

“In the FBI files, the FBI is recording Kennedy saying to Peter Lawford ‘Is she dead yet?’”

Throw in the fact that all of Marilyn Monroe’s phone message disappeared, to later be discovered in the chief of police’s private files, and that her red diary could not be found – Hattem’s guess is that Kennedy had a large hand in it. He said:

“I’m certain Robert Kennedy stole it when he came by her house after she was dead.”

But if Robert Kennedy’s involvement in Marilyn Monroe’s death is rooted in fact so firmly that there’s even an FBI file on it, why hasn’t more been made of it?

“I think the reason is that everybody already believes the Kennedys killed her.”

According to a BBC documentary, some Hell's Angels tried sailing a boat to Mick Jagger's house to kill him in 1969, but they were crap at sailing and all got thrown overboard so they just decided to go home again. 

We know, we know. Deep breaths. As shocking as it when a public figure is murdered with no warning, it pales into insignificance when compared to when a man doesn't get murdered without warning. In fact, right now, just this second, we didn't get murdered either. And there was no warning. Hecklerspray: officially the Mick Jagger of the internet. In one hopelessly tenuous way.

Mick Jagger's whole entire life has just involved standing next to Keith Richards – a man who, even in the throes of old age, can fall out of a tree onto his head, flout loosely-officiated Scottish smoking rules and ingest his own dead father through his nose – and trying to look cool too.

He's failed time and time again, of course – the crap haircut, fondness for shiny blouses and mistaken belief that writing songs advocating a strong work ethic in the unemployed have seen to that. But it's turned out that Mick Jagger almost got assassinated the Hell's Angels in 1969. And that's sort of cool, isn't it? It certainly puts Mick Jagger up there with other failed assassination targets and icons of coolness like Ronald Reagan and Hitler.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves here. It has been revealed that in 1969 some Hell's Angels tried to kill Mick Jagger. And they would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for their meddling inability to navigate nautical storms with due attention to safely. The Associated Press reports:

A program to be broadcast on BBC Radio 4 on Monday says the rock star was the target of the plot following a purported dispute with the motorcycle gang over concert security… "The Hells Angels were so angered by Jagger's treatment of them that they decided to kill him," Tom Mangold, the presenter of the program, was quoted as telling Britain's Sunday Telegraph newspaper. Mangold said the men tried to reach Jagger by sea. "The boat was hit by a storm and all of the men were thrown overboard," he was quoted as saying. They all survived but made no other attempt on his life, Mangold said.

'Jagger's treatment of them' is obviously a reference to the 1969 Altamont Free Concert, where the Rolling Stones' Hell's Angel security were accused of stabbing 18-year-old Meredith Hunter to death. Although they denied the murder, Mick Jagger publicly stated that didn't want any more Hell's Angel security guards at their concerts. So they reportedly tried to kill him as well.

Nobody knows if Mick Jagger had any idea of this supposed assassination attempt or not, but this news will almost certainly start people thinking about the what ifs. Imagine if Mick Jagger had been successfully murdered in 1969, and what the world would have lost as a result.

If Mick Jagger had died in 1970 there'd have been no Dirty Work, no Freejack, no Dancing In The Streets. And Jerry Hall would probably be a lot less famous than she is now, as well. Phew, right?

Read more:

BBC: Hell's Angels Sought to Kill Jagger - AP 

Lane Garrison – the dead ginger pickpocket from Prison Break – is the guy who drunkenly smashed his car into a tree in December, killing a teenage boy and seriously injuring two others. And yesterday after a series of psychiatric tests, Lane Garrison was sentenced to 40 months in jail for the crime. Let's just hope that Garrison doesn't befriend a heavily-tattooed escape artist while in jail – not because he'd copy the plot of Prison Break and escape, but because he'd copy the plot of Prison Break and get really dull.

A warning – if you're ever in a supermarket and some kids come up to and get all like "hey, you're that dude from TV. Come to our party, then drink, then drive us back to the supermarket to buy more booze," it might be an idea to remember everything Lane Garrison's been through.

Because after that exact situation happened to Lane Garrison he did drunkenly drive three teenagers back to the supermarket to buy more alcohol. Or at least he would have done if only he hadn't crashed his car into a tree on the way – killing a 17-year-old boy and injuring two 15-year-old girls – then lied to police about who was driving and how his drink got spiked. And now he's getting banged up for it.

In March Lane Garrison was charged with manslaughter over the crash. And now, following 90 days of psychiatric evaluation, Lane Garrison has been sentenced to three years and four months in jail, half of the maximum sentence available to the judge. And thanks to the overcrowded Los Angeles prison system, Lane can be expected to be released after just 20 months.

Before sentencing Lane Garrison spoke to the court. E! Online reports:

"I just want to say how sorry I am to the Setian family. I am sickened by my behavior on that night. My thoughts keep coming back to that night. I want to show that my walk with sobriety will be very easy. I want to help other kids not make the same mistake I did."

Lane Garrison's predicament should be a warning to other celebrity drink-drivers like Mel Gibson and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie that all it takes is just one moment of concentration loss to change the public's perception of you from someone who shouts the word Sugartits at police officers to a killer. 

That's something Lane Garrison will have to live with from now on, though to be fair 'killer' and 'semi-anonymous ginger pickpocket from that show you used to watch before it got crap' probably already have roughly the same social standing.

Read more:

No Prison Break For Lane Garrison – E! Online