Gordon Ramsay has more nervous tics that One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. He twitches, jiggles and burps ‘Uh?’ while swearing like Tourette’s bus. Why no-one has certified this man mental is quite beyond us.
And we’ve not even looked at his weird, weird face. It looks like a cliff face that’s falling into tge sea.
With that, the fact he got get on fire, it’s hard to imagine that anyone actually noticed any difference from him. He looks weird, swears a lot and cooks flesh. If you were in the next room, you’d carry on doing your crossword wouldn’t you?
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With remakes, reduxes and various tinkerings of our childhood favourites plaguing cinema at the moment, there’s been little joy looking back at the films we once loved. However, here’s a little something that should slap a smile across that stupid head of yours.
Unseen for many, many years, footage has leaked from Indiana Jones and the Temple Of Doom set, where Harrison Ford is on the receiving end of a practical joke.
This ain’t any ol’ joke though. This is a prank that features Carrie Fisher, Irvin Kershner and… get this… Barbra Streisand as a dominatrix.
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Charlie Sheen may be duller than ditchwater these days, but it hasn’t always been like that. In fairness, it has mostly been like that, but there was that glorious month when he completely lost his mind and we all laughed at him.
It all started getting good when he KOed a chandelier in a hotel while a woman trembled with fear, crying in a washroom cupboard. What made it better was that his children and ex-wife were just across the hall, staying quiet and low like they were hiding in an air-raid bunker.
Well, Sheeno wasn’t happy about that evening (despite having a whole heap of fun by the sounds of it) and decided to take out a lawsuit against the terrified women in the closet – Capri Anderson. Now, it appears, he’s not so keen to lay a legal smackdown on her ass. Why?
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Charlie Sheen was once the talk of the town. He enchanted us all with his spectacular nervous breakdown, his drug taking, his fondness for pornography, his punching of chandeliers and his inventing of various phrases. However, he went off quicker than an opened yoghurt.
Still, we left Sheeno with his custody case with Brooke Mueller and his many girlfriends (or ‘Goddesses’ as he preferred), so while we mocked his slope away from the limelight, he still seemed to have an enviable, if brain-rotting life.
Or not, as it transpires. See, these days, since no-one really gives two shits about Charlie Sheen (he’s clean of drugs now, thereby, he’s as boring as Robert Pattinson), those that enjoyed sharing his limelight have decided to walk away from him. He’s no longer eccentric and famous, rather, he’s just a weirdo now. And long gone are his goddesses as Charlie now find himself horrible single and invariably rummaging around trying to find his dealer’s phone number again.
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The Indiana Jones franchise should’ve stopped when it got to film 3. Sean Connery didn’t exactly light the screen up in a decidedly average film, but still, it was a decent enough romp which signalled that the team behind the films were clean out of ideas.
But did that stop them? Of course it didn’t. George Lucas is involved and he can’t stop picking at his own scabs, god forbid he actually tries to make a brand-new film that has no legacy to fall back on.
And Shia LaBeouf has cleared his little throat to confirm that a fifth Indiana Jones movie could be in cinemas soon, to which we must all now start making our excuses not to go see it.
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In an ouroboros circle of narcissism that’s going to be the reason the universe implodes in on itself in 2012, Katie Price has been spotted with ankle ink that would appear to mark the date she met her latest boyfriend. Which would be fine. Except she’s been dating this latest guy for all of three months and change.
Katie and boyfriend-of-the week, Leandro Penna, have been spending time together since February. This February. The February during which everyone else was getting knocked-up or getting married.
Okay, okay. Maybe meeting and instantly falling in love with some bloke she just tripped over in the street is the lesser of those evils. So long as her womb stays empty and she doesn’t sprint down the aisle again, we’re not going to fight her on this one.
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The imagined coalition of ‘The West’ has been uniformly sickened with scenes of whooping rebels, cheering the deaths of Americans in various terrorist attacks. See, The West has a moral highground on this one because, when we go around killing people, we get a note from our mum’s first (or, as they’re officially known, The United Nations).
And so, this weekend, the untimely death of Osama Bin Laden has seen pretty much everyone sit up and take note. Alas, in a mass display of pot meeting kettle and pointing out what colour it is, Americans have stood in the streets, cheering and whooping the death of a man.
Political analysts have been flooding us with conjecture and opinion, most pointing out that this isn’t a matter of killing the head so the body dies, rather, this is just the beginning of yet more faeces hitting the already caked fan. But sod those guys! What do our greatest minds – musicians – think about it all?
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Katie Price loves horses. This is mainly because they don’t talk back to her or give her hassle about her terrifying face, which has been manufactured by the world’s worst plastic surgeons, determined to make her look like a Hubba Bubba/gallstone hybrid.
However, she has had some trouble with horses, notably the ones that the wheels of her car crushed to death!
That’s right! The Artist Formerly Known As Peter Andre’s Wife has been involved in a car crash that killed two runaway stallions. The tragic news is that the former Jordan has got whiplash.
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