As the star of 24, Kiefer Sutherland knows a bit about the law. For instance, it’s completely OK to suffocate your brother to death.

Also, the good guys are always bad, and the bad guys are always good. And never trust the brown ones. So when Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted Jack McCollough on Tuesday, it made him a bad guy. But then again, Kiefer Sutherland was protecting the honour of Brooke Shields – so he’s a good guy.

Then again, he’ll probably spend a few more months in jail for it. So he’s bad. Or good. Oh, let’s just settle on depressing.

Look, we know the 1980s are back in fashion and all, but let’s not take the piss, eh? Strutting around in ironically-coloured Wayfarers is one thing, but having to read a news story about Kiefer Sutherland headbutting someone in a fight over Brooke Shields seems a little bit like overkill. From there it’s only a short skip to sniffing glue while critically evaluating the Masters Of The Universe film to the sound of Sydney Youngblood and, trust us, that’s not something you’d want to do.

But anyway, that’s what apparently happened. In a non-ironic way, Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted a fashion designer in the face because he didn’t show the proper courtesy to Brooke Shields. And now he’s probably going back to jail for it.

You may remember that Kiefer Sutherland spent Christmas 2007 in jail after he was arrested for DUI. The sentence was so harsh because his DUI arrest violated the probation he was put on after he was arrested for DUI in 2004. After his jail sentence, Kiefer was place on a new five-year probation. And apparently, as People reports, headbutting a man in the face at a party while possibly drunk might just violate the terms of that probation, too:

“If Sutherland’s found in violation of probation for battery, and if he was intoxicated at the time, he could very well be sentenced to another 48 days or more,” says Steve Sitkoff, an L.A. criminal defense attorney not involved with the case. The 24 star, who allegedly headbutted a fashion designer at a party early Tuesday, will surrender to New York authorities to face a third-degree assault charge.

Obviously another jail sentence for Kiefer Sutherland would bugger 24 up something rotten. There probably won’t be another conveniently-timed writers’ strike to delay a new season this time. So maybe it’s time the producers thought of a plan-B workaround. Say, for instance, the president of America gets arrested for shoplifting a frozen chicken, and Jack Bauer has to headbutt an effeminate man in the face to go to jail to protect her. Or Kim Bauer comes back again and fights the forces of evil on her dad’s behalf. In a skimpy top. In the rain. In slow motion. Yes, that would work.

But whatever happens to Kiefer Sutherland, the moral of the story is clear – never help Brooke Shields. Never. You’ll go to prison if you do. Don’t be fooled by those gigantic eyebrows or the way she’s not as good as she thinks she is at anything. You must never help Brooke Shields. Not even if she falls over in front of hundreds of stampeding hippos. Especially not then.

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