Getting headbutted by Kiefer Sutherland would be amazing – it’d be like Rembrandt painting you a picture.

Because Kiefer is a master headbutter. Sure, it’d be better if he tied you to a chair, put your feet in a bucket of water and electrocuted you with a cable torn from a standard lamp but that’s hardly practical on a day-to-day basis. No, Kiefer Sutherland’s headbutt is the perfect expression of form and content.

The Manhattan District Attorney’s office realises this, so it won’t be prosecuting Kiefer Sutherland for allegedly headbutting that guy back in May. What a heartwarming story. About headbutts.

You’ll remember the incident a couple of months ago when Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted fashion designer Jack McCullough for barging into Brooke Shields at a party. Specifically you’ll remember it because the close proximity of the words ‘Kiefer Sutherland’ and ‘Brooke Shields’ in a news story made you think that you’d travelled back in time to the 1980s, and you got nervous because it meant that Corey Haim would be famous again.

Well, back then things looked pretty dicey for Kiefer Sutherland. He was charged for the incident and, thanks to his ongoing parole following his DUI conviction in 2007, there’s a very good chance that Kiefer Sutherland would have found himself back in jail if he was found guilty.

But the good news is that Kiefer Sutherland won’t be found guilty of anything because the Manhattan District Attorney’s office has decided not to prosecute him. People reports:

“We declined to prosecute after a full investigation,” Manhattan District Attorney spokeswoman Alicia Maxey Greene tells PEOPLE of the highly publicized alleged cranial collision with a New York fashion designer in May. “That included speaking to the complaining witness, who was quite uncooperative.”

Why was Jack McCullough being so uncooperative about prosecuting Kiefer Sutherland? There are a number of options:

1 – He realised that Kiefer Sutherland was only acting to protect the honour of a woman, which gave the incident a moral integrity that he couldn’t defend himself against.

2 - He made up with Kiefer Sutherland shortly after the incident and they both released a joint statement apologising to each other.

3 - He realised that being headbutted by Kiefer Sutherland would mean that he’d never have to pay for another drink ever again, and when he looks back at his life he’ll see that it was easily the coolest thing that had ever happened to him.

4 - He was uncooperative because Kiefer Sutherland had pinned him to a sofa and threatened to gouge his eyes out with a biro while muttering “I’m gonna enjoy this” in a slightly irresponsible way.

Any of these could feasibly be true. Especially the second one because that’s what happened, but any of them could feasibly be true.

Sadly, this is bad news for 24. Had he been convicted, Kiefer Sutherland was planning to set season eight in the world of fashion, where he’d spend 24 heart-pounding hours running up and down a catwalk shooting hundreds of fashion designers in the face. But now he’s not even going to be prosecuted, he’ll probably just go back to beating up brown people again.

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As the star of 24, Kiefer Sutherland knows a bit about the law. For instance, it’s completely OK to suffocate your brother to death.

Also, the good guys are always bad, and the bad guys are always good. And never trust the brown ones. So when Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted Jack McCollough on Tuesday, it made him a bad guy. But then again, Kiefer Sutherland was protecting the honour of Brooke Shields – so he’s a good guy.

Then again, he’ll probably spend a few more months in jail for it. So he’s bad. Or good. Oh, let’s just settle on depressing.

Look, we know the 1980s are back in fashion and all, but let’s not take the piss, eh? Strutting around in ironically-coloured Wayfarers is one thing, but having to read a news story about Kiefer Sutherland headbutting someone in a fight over Brooke Shields seems a little bit like overkill. From there it’s only a short skip to sniffing glue while critically evaluating the Masters Of The Universe film to the sound of Sydney Youngblood and, trust us, that’s not something you’d want to do.

But anyway, that’s what apparently happened. In a non-ironic way, Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted a fashion designer in the face because he didn’t show the proper courtesy to Brooke Shields. And now he’s probably going back to jail for it.

You may remember that Kiefer Sutherland spent Christmas 2007 in jail after he was arrested for DUI. The sentence was so harsh because his DUI arrest violated the probation he was put on after he was arrested for DUI in 2004. After his jail sentence, Kiefer was place on a new five-year probation. And apparently, as People reports, headbutting a man in the face at a party while possibly drunk might just violate the terms of that probation, too:

“If Sutherland’s found in violation of probation for battery, and if he was intoxicated at the time, he could very well be sentenced to another 48 days or more,” says Steve Sitkoff, an L.A. criminal defense attorney not involved with the case. The 24 star, who allegedly headbutted a fashion designer at a party early Tuesday, will surrender to New York authorities to face a third-degree assault charge.

Obviously another jail sentence for Kiefer Sutherland would bugger 24 up something rotten. There probably won’t be another conveniently-timed writers’ strike to delay a new season this time. So maybe it’s time the producers thought of a plan-B workaround. Say, for instance, the president of America gets arrested for shoplifting a frozen chicken, and Jack Bauer has to headbutt an effeminate man in the face to go to jail to protect her. Or Kim Bauer comes back again and fights the forces of evil on her dad’s behalf. In a skimpy top. In the rain. In slow motion. Yes, that would work.

But whatever happens to Kiefer Sutherland, the moral of the story is clear – never help Brooke Shields. Never. You’ll go to prison if you do. Don’t be fooled by those gigantic eyebrows or the way she’s not as good as she thinks she is at anything. You must never help Brooke Shields. Not even if she falls over in front of hundreds of stampeding hippos. Especially not then.

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