Articles tagged with: kids
Has Angelina Jolie Ever Told You That Her Kids Love Kung Fu Panda?
As a mother, Angelina Jolie knows what's important for a child - a gormless name and a forced appreciation of her films, mainly. Well, OK, not all of her films. Not yet, anyway - although we do hear that Angelina Jolie plans to use her love scene with Antonio Banderas from Original Sin as a sexually-confusing substitute for her childrens' birds and bees talk - just Kung Fu Panda. To promote the DVD release of Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has once again decided to mine the limitless marketing resource that is her children, telling anyone who'll listen that they just love the movie. Luckily for Angelina Jolie, she didn't try this trick with A Mighty Heart - apparently Pax Thien found it 'ponderous', with Shiloh Nouvel dubbing it 'transparent award-bait at best'.
As a mother, Angelina Jolie knows what's important for a child - a gormless name and a forced appreciation of her films, mainly. Well, OK, not all of her films. Not yet, anyway - although we do hear that Angelina Jolie plans to use her love scene with Antonio Banderas from Original Sin as a sexually-confusing substitute for her childrens' birds and bees talk - just Kung Fu Panda. To promote the DVD release of Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has once again decided to mine the limitless marketing resource that is her children, telling anyone who'll listen that they just love the movie. Luckily for Angelina Jolie, she didn't try this trick with A Mighty Heart - apparently Pax Thien found it 'ponderous', with Shiloh Nouvel dubbing it 'transparent award-bait at best'.
Angelina Jolie Will Marry Brad Pitt Just To Shut The Kids Up
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's attitude to marriage is simple - only gay marriage or Jennifer Aniston being really narked off will allow it. Or at least that's what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing 'go against everything she's ever said, done or thought' promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding. It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean - if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn't stink like a corpseful of turds for once.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's attitude to marriage is simple - only gay marriage or Jennifer Aniston being really narked off will allow it. Or at least that's what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing 'go against everything she's ever said, done or thought' promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding. It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean - if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn't stink like a corpseful of turds for once.
Angelina Jolie Demands More Children! Immediately!
Angelina Jolie already has enough kids for a fair-to-middling laser tag team, but that's hardly enough - look, you know what's coming. Despite have six of the little sods running around already, Angelina Jolie has decided that she's going to go on the hunt for more. During an interview on the Today show, Angelina Jolie was asked if she's going to adopt any more children, and she responded by nodding like a wizened old bearded monk who lives on top of a mountain. Adopting a seventh child is all well and good, but Angelina Jolie has obviously forgotten one important point - having already adopted children from Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam, the most impoverished place left to her is the Isle Of Wight. And, urgh, who'd want a baby from the Isle Of Wight?
Angelina Jolie already has enough kids for a fair-to-middling laser tag team, but that's hardly enough - look, you know what's coming. Despite have six of the little sods running around already, Angelina Jolie has decided that she's going to go on the hunt for more. During an interview on the Today show, Angelina Jolie was asked if she's going to adopt any more children, and she responded by nodding like a wizened old bearded monk who lives on top of a mountain. Adopting a seventh child is all well and good, but Angelina Jolie has obviously forgotten one important point - having already adopted children from Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam, the most impoverished place left to her is the Isle Of Wight. And, urgh, who'd want a baby from the Isle Of Wight?
Brace Yourself, World: Paris Hilton Wants Babies
The Simple Life all but proved that Paris Hilton will be a bad mother - she can't even photocopy, so what's stopping her from dropping a baby down the toilet? However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don't matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she's told People that she's desperate to have children. Don't be too alarmed by Paris Hilton's claims, though - if she does have a baby it'll be an interesting genetic experiment - in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.
The Simple Life all but proved that Paris Hilton will be a bad mother - she can't even photocopy, so what's stopping her from dropping a baby down the toilet? However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don't matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she's told People that she's desperate to have children. Don't be too alarmed by Paris Hilton's claims, though - if she does have a baby it'll be an interesting genetic experiment - in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.
Stop Everything Now: Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Return To USA
Hey, everyone! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have arrived in America for the first time since the birth of their twins! This is very important news, and we'll tell you why soon. Anyway, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrived in New York for the first time since the birth of their last children so that Angelina can promote her new movie The Changeling. We said we'd tell you why it was so important that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were returning to America, didn't we? Well, alright, we will - it's important because, um, well, Brad Pitt is, um... and Angelina sort of... no. We've got nothing. Literally nothing. Maybe they left the gas on or something. We genuinely couldn't care less.
Hey, everyone! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have arrived in America for the first time since the birth of their twins! This is very important news, and we'll tell you why soon. Anyway, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrived in New York for the first time since the birth of their last children so that Angelina can promote her new movie The Changeling. We said we'd tell you why it was so important that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were returning to America, didn't we? Well, alright, we will - it's important because, um, well, Brad Pitt is, um... and Angelina sort of... no. We've got nothing. Literally nothing. Maybe they left the gas on or something. We genuinely couldn't care less.
Britney Spears Gets To Weird Out Her Children At Night Again
It's been a while since we stopped by Planet Britney, mostly because there are only so many ways you can poke fun at the mentally unwell.
However, it seems as if Britney Spears might actually be getting better in leaps and bounds, because she's just been granted that most valuable of parenting rights - the overnight visit.
Sean Preston and Jayden James being able to sleep at their mother's house isn't just good news for Britney Spears - Kevin Federline will also benefit from the ruling - it means he'll now get to wake up some mornings without the hassle of dealing with crap and piss-covered bedsheets. Seriously, sneaking them into the washing machine before the kids woke up and wondered why daddy's room smelt funny was such a chore.
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee – Together At Last! Again. Again. Again.
Pamela Anderson seems to wish she could return to the past - to a time before hepatitis, miscarriage, divorce, Rick Salomon and definitely, definitely before Kid Rock. The whole world wants to return to that particular time. But the particular time she seems to want to return to is the one where a drummer from a bit of a crap, over-hyped band who likes to get his junk out on stage gets to stick it to her on a regular basis. Yes, kids, Pamela Anderson is back with Tommy Lee.
Pamela Anderson seems to wish she could return to the past - to a time before hepatitis, miscarriage, divorce, Rick Salomon and definitely, definitely before Kid Rock. The whole world wants to return to that particular time. But the particular time she seems to want to return to is the one where a drummer from a bit of a crap, over-hyped band who likes to get his junk out on stage gets to stick it to her on a regular basis. Yes, kids, Pamela Anderson is back with Tommy Lee.
Charlie Sheen To Denise Richards: Blah Blah Blah, Something About Money
If you've seen Denise Richards on TV defending her decision to whore out her kids on a reality show, you'll know that she is right and Charlie Sheen is wrong. But get this - now Charlie Sheen is saying that he's right and Denise Richards is wrong! That's crazy - it's like everything we know is a lie! Or it's like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are a couple of utter shitbaskets who can't stop bickering in public even though it'll obviously be detrimental to their childrens' development. Anyway Denise Richards has been saying that she only made her reality TV show because she hasn't got any money, and Charlie Sheen has hit back saying that actually he gives her loads of money. Not all of it, though - he needs the rest of it for his whore fund. That's if he has a whore fund, obviously. Legally we wouldn't like to speculate.
If you've seen Denise Richards on TV defending her decision to whore out her kids on a reality show, you'll know that she is right and Charlie Sheen is wrong. But get this - now Charlie Sheen is saying that he's right and Denise Richards is wrong! That's crazy - it's like everything we know is a lie! Or it's like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are a couple of utter shitbaskets who can't stop bickering in public even though it'll obviously be detrimental to their childrens' development. Anyway Denise Richards has been saying that she only made her reality TV show because she hasn't got any money, and Charlie Sheen has hit back saying that actually he gives her loads of money. Not all of it, though - he needs the rest of it for his whore fund. That's if he has a whore fund, obviously. Legally we wouldn't like to speculate.
