It must be bittersweet to be Jade Goody at the moment – true, she’s been diagnosed with cervical cancer, but at least she’s back on magazine covers again.
And that seems to have triggered something weird in Jade Goody’s brain. Since getting cancer has made her famous and liked again, Jade has taken it on herself to keep the momentum going by recounting awful periods of her life to various publications while photographers take pictures of her crying.
Following yesterday’s revelation that she once smoked crack in front of her mother, Jade Goody has now revealed that she was once kidnapped by a fake taxi driver. God knows what Jade will admit to tomorrow – maybe she once got sexually abused by some cattle or bought a pair of shoes made of tumours or something – but at least we know that this isn’t the most depressing Jade Goody news that we could hear. No, that’d be that they’re letting her back on the telly.
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Well that’s it – we had to fire Miguel. We made sure to point at him and say his name at every single work Christmas party we’ve had, and fifteen years in he decides he knows better than us.
“Please Sirs,” he says, “please sirs, might you stop paying me in potatoes?” Miguel – you ridiculous fool! We’ve been doing what’s best for you and your family of eight! Your children can’t eat cash!
We did so much for him. Maybe we should have done more. Maybe we should have let him live in his janatorial closet. Move the mop and there’s be plenty of room for him and two of his kids to lean and sleep. Rotate in shifts and the whole family’s covered. He’s just lucky we’re not like Marc Brilleman. He’s a would-be reality TV exec who recently got charged with the kidnapping and false imprisonment of several of his female contestants.
Which makes us think… Miguel, you can have your wife back. Pick her up in back of our mansion. We suppose you won’t even appreciate that her hands smell of potato.
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