Just as we all assumed, Justin Bieber is turning into a sneering little brat… a git of the highest order. Throw endless attention at a child and he’ll repay you with the kind of behaviour that would embarrass your average MTV producer.

Now Bieber has had a film out and got himself a starlet girlfriend (who has had a face like a torn welly boot lately), he’s decided to stroppily stomp around the place and forget all that sheened professionalism that he’s had drummed into him by his army of men with flipcharts.

Don’t believe us?

Let us look at Bieber’s recent behaviour.

He went on a date with Gomez and when his fans (y’know, those wide-eyed children with pink pencil cases and pocket money who have vaulted Bieber from foetus to superstar toddler) and decided that he would be incredibly rude to them. That probably left one man mopping up enough tears to fill Death Valley.

On his birthday, he gave the finger to a bunch of paps who he was more than happy to court previously. And it doesn’t end there – he attacked some poor woman with a camera in her hand while he was out-and-about.

Early this month, he thought it would be okay to kick one of his backing dancers. So what’s the fuss about that? Well, he kicked her in the throat.

Yeah.

Then, he capped all this off by performing a show with his flies unzipped and stealing his guitarist’s – Dan Kanter – phone and tweeted that he would be leaving the band, causing an outpouring of grief from his fans and presumably putting the fear of God into Kanter who thought he was getting the coldest You’re Sacked slip in the history of entertainment.

What can we expect next? Bieber bringing back happy slapping? Justin wrestling grandmother’s to the ground like Andy Kaufman before performing a full nelson that squeezes ever trace of air out?

We’re watching you Bieber. Y’little shit.

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At a mandatory hecklerspray retreat we all had to attend, have fun at or be fired, everybody woke up to a horrible fright.

It was Stu Heritage and Chris Laverty screaming in unison because they simultaneously dreamt that Madonna‘s wrinkled old lady hands were wrapping around their throats with the full intent of murder. Needless to say the lights stayed on the rest of the night, and that Holiday song was taken off of subliminal repeat.

Incidentally, their joined screams were rather beautiful together – would anybody have guessed that Stu is a tenor? Well he really is.

Sarah Palin may know what it’s like to lie awake nights with the constant fear of Madonna hobbling into her room like an old lady and whacking her with a cane until her collarbone breaks or something – because Madge has continued her onstage assault of her, recently announcing she’s going to kick the Governor’s ‘ass.’

If we were gonna pay to see a celebrity fight it would be one where Denise Richards had to fight a hungry anaconda. Richards would get num-chucks and trampolines to work with, and the snake would get a machete. It’d be a good match. We’d pay $20. Just something to think about Pay-Per-View – Act now while Richards is still unemployed.

Until that Hollywood fight-fantasy comes true, unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for Madonna physically assaulting America’s possible #2 in charge. As previously reported, Madonna has already banned Sarah Palin from her concerts, but now ol’ gap-tooth threatened to, you know. During a concert she  said as much. Here’s some specifics from MTV.com:

“The pop icon, in the midst of her Sticky & Sweet Tour, continues to keep politics center stage, launching an impromptu campaign against the Republican vice-presidential nominee, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, during shows in New York and New Jersey last week. Madonna first banned the governor from the tour. In between sets, she screamed, “Sarah Palin can’t come to my party! Sarah Palin can’t come to my show!” As the week progressed, Madonna even threatened to “kick her ass.”"

Big words from an adoptive mother with ugly hands, poor acting ability and who’s recently decided that marriage is for people who don’t want to boink everyone the world over.

Our words, not hers.

For the record, after she said she’s gonna beat up Palin for not moving or something, the singer said it’s “nothing personal, I love her soul.” Pretty weird, really. It gets weirder.

Half a verse into Like a Virgin Madonna stopped, raised her clutched hand to the rafters and said:

“This I swear – one day I shall make Sarah Palin’s down syndrome baby mine! I will raise it to a life of politics, and then finance it’s eventual run for presidency on the Democratic ballot. Only then will I rest. Only then will I find solace and reprieve!”

Well that is just the strangest thing we have ever heard Madonna say with her own lips that nobody made up especially not us. We wouldn’t lie like that – it’s not in our nature. It’s not usually in our nature. It’s in our nature but we didn’t lie this time.

Believe what you will.

Now please enjoy a video of Madonna influencing voters in a way that only 50 year old arm-flab can: