There are three types of Jonas Brother fan – those who like Joe because he’s sexy, those who like Nick because he’s cute.
And those who like Kevin out of pity. But that last group has just suffered what’s probably the worst weekend of their lives, because Kevin Jonas has got married.
Apparently Kevin Jonas’ wedding ceremony was a beautiful snow-flecked affair, and the night that followed was precisely what you’d expect from someone so proud to keep his virginity intact until marriage – three hours of trying to stick in in her belly button followed by six hours of icy, resentful sobbing. God, we’re turned on just thinking about it.
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Sorry. You were probably having quite a good day, weren’t you? And now we’ve come along and trampled all over it.
Or worse. Maybe you were having a terrible day. And maybe the news that The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up will be the last straw for you. Maybe hearing this will be what finally pushes you to climb that clocktower so you can start systematically blasting away at strangers with a sniper rifle until you’re inevitably taken out by a police helicopter.
Either way, The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are so not splitting up that they’ve gone to the trouble of actually telling people that they’re not splitting up. Sorry.
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The Jonas Brothers are so adorable, aren’t they? Which one is your favourite? Nick or Joe? Oh, we can’t decide either!
What? Kevin Jonas? There’s a Kevin Jonas? You mean that weird-looking guy who usually stands behind the other two is a Jonas Brother as well? Wow. We just assumed that he was their manager or their dad or a particularly persistent beggar or something.
Anyway, Kevin Jonas has just got engaged. No date has been set, although hopefully it won’t happen until Kevin Jonas has finished On Chesil Beach and properly developed his desperately profound fear of physical intimacy.
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