The Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline child custody case has been going on forever, mainly because most people agree that the kids would be better off being looked after by a pack of hungry bears than either of them.

But, although the custody case must be emotionally hard for both Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, it's only financially hard for Britney Spears because she's paying all the legal bills.

And now Britney Spears wants that to stop. Britney's lawyers have been in court trying to get Kevin Federline to hire a lawyer with his own funds, but Kevin's not scared. If Britney wins this legal fight then he'll just have to find the best lawyers that a scrunched-up $5 bill and half a packet of Funyuns will buy.

So, we’re thinking we may have reached a point where we’re desensitised to the antics of crazy Britney Spears. In fact, we’re downright bored.  

But you know who has been a shining beacon of stability throughout all of this? Britney’s ex-husband Kevin Federline, that’s who. In fact, he’s been so committed to parenting that he’s apparently postponed the reality show he was maybe going to do about his life as a single dad.  We didn’t know he was planning a reality show to begin with, because we can’t afford to buy another TV after we put a fist through the last one when Britney and Kevin: Chaotic premiered.  

So Britney Spears heeded the warning to go to court for her custody hearing yesterday - she just didn't heed the part about actually going into the courtroom itself.

After being strongly advised that the only way she wouldn't lose her kids was to attend yesterday's custody hearing, it's been reported that Britney Spears turned up to court four hours late, circled the building a few times and went home, rubberstamping the loss of her children for the next month in the process.

But never mind Britney Spears - where does her semi-appearance leave our 'arse out' promise from yesterday? One cheek? Do you get one cheek? We're so confused.

Britney Spears has been taken to hospital on a stretcher following a fight between Britney and Kevin Federline.

Details are a little vague at the moment, but it seems as though police were called to the home of Britney Spears a few hours ago because she was refusing

So Kevin Federline has finally moved on from Britney Spears - except that he seems to have moved on to Paris Hilton, which isn't so much 'moving on' as 'doing something especially turd-brained'.

Not that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing anything particularly romantic in public, of course - at the moment the pair of them have only set tongues wagging by talking to each other in Las Vegas nightclubs two nights in a row. However, given the difficulty that they both have forming even rudimentary sentences without getting nosebleeds from concentrating too hard, we should obviously take this fact alone as a sign that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing it and in love and want to get married right away. Even if none of that is true. 

But let's just assume that it is true, because it's January 2 and bugger all else has happened today.

Thought that Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister getting knocked up was as bad as it got for the family? Not even close - Britney Spears now apparently thinks her two baby sons have been taking drugs.

Well, sort of - Britney Spears has decided to turn on the attack in her child custody battle with Kevin Federline by apparently claiming that he smokes pot in front of Sean Preston and Jayden James, and that as a result they're breathing in all his second-hand drug-smoke. It's thought that Britney Spears was alerted to this possibility by the way that her kids sitting around staring into space and giggling all day. However this might not mean that the Federline-Spears kids are stoned - it might just mean that they're either a) children or b) genetically very stupid. Really, the truth is that it could be any of these things.

Hey, good news for all you jobless, talentless, freeloading, seed spreading, fame whoring dads out there! You may have a chance to become father of the year. That’s right, you may be awarded such a title if you can claim at least one of the following qualifications:  

1) The mother of your children likes to repeatedly declare she’s going to make a huge comeback in the world of pop music, y’all, only to repeatedly get even more drunk, more dishevelled, and more bad hair extensiony. 

2) You don’t have to bribe bums on the street for a urine sample to pass the weekly court mandated drug tests to prove you’re not an unfit mother. 

3) You’re Kevin Federline.  

It’s lucky for Kevin Federline that he fits all three qualifications depressingly well, because that clinches him for the title of Father of the Year as granted by Details magazine.  

Oh, Larry Birkhead was also at the top of the list, but we just don’t have the time to focus on him because we have to get our space blankets and water canisters together for the imminent coming of Armageddon.  

As Christmas is the time of goodwill to all men, it's only right that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears should put their custody differences behind them and choose to equally split the amount of time they neglect their kids on Christmas day.

In a rare gesture of kindness to his long-suffering ex-wife, Kevin Federline has allowed Britney Spears to spend Christmas morning with her two young children Sean Preston and Jayden James. This news will be a real shot in the arm for Britney Spears' morale, because now she gets to continue some of the festive traditions that the kids have already got used to - like the one where Santa comes down the chimney with his vagina hanging out, barfs up in the kitchen, shoves a handful of Cheetos into his face, absent-mindedly stubs out a cigarette on some tinsel and saunters off without leaving any presents.

Plus it means that the court-appointed custody monitor gets to see Britney Spears on Christmas day instead of her own family. Yay!