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Kevin Federline

Kevin Federline Puts Reality Show On Hold, Humanity To Rejoice

by hecklerspray staff

So, we’re thinking we may have reached a point where we’re desensitised to the antics of crazy Britney Spears. In fact, we’re downright bored.

But you know who has been a shining beacon of stability throughout all of this? Britney’s ex-husband Kevin Federline, that’s who. In fact, he’s been so committed to parenting that he’s apparently postponed the reality show he was maybe going to do about his life as a single dad. We didn’t know he was planning a reality show to begin with, because we can’t afford to buy another TV after we put a fist through the last one when Britney and Kevin: Chaotic premiered.

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Britney Spears Sort Of Goes To Court, Loses Kids Anyway

by Stuart Heritage

So Britney Spears heeded the warning to go to court for her custody hearing yesterday – she just didn’t heed the part about actually going into the courtroom itself.

After being strongly advised that the only way she wouldn’t lose her kids was to attend yesterday’s custody hearing, it’s been reported that Britney Spears turned up to court four hours late, circled the building a few times and went home, rubberstamping the loss of her children for the next month in the process.

But never mind Britney Spears – where does her semi-appearance leave our ‘arse out’ promise from yesterday? One cheek? Do you get one cheek? We’re so confused.

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Britney Spears In Hospital After K-Fed Custody Row

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears has been taken to hospital on a stretcher following a fight between Britney and Kevin Federline.

Details are a little vague at the moment, but it seems as though police were called to the home of Britney Spears a few hours ago because she was refusing to hand her children over to Kevin Federline at the time appointed by their custody case and a dispute had broken out.

Not that it was just the police that turned up, though – in total it’s reported that six police cars, some ambulances, fire tucks and a police helicopter also showed up too. Just as well, because Britney Spears was apparently found to be under the influence of an unknown substance. As such, paramedics have recently removed Britney Spears from her home conscious on a stretcher and taken her to a nearby hospital for ‘medical evaluation’ while Kevin Federline looks after the children.

It all sounds worryingly serious, and the last thing that Britney needs now that her lawyer has just quit, but don’t panic too much – it’s claimed that Britney Spears still managed to flip off the paparazzi from her stretcher, which we’re taking as her way of telling us that she’ll be just fine.

We’ll no doubt have more on this when things firm up.

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Britney Spears Wheeled Out Of House After Refusing To Turn Over Kids: Reports – MTV

Britney Spears has been taken to hospital on a stretcher following a fight between Britney and Kevin Federline. Details are a little vague at the moment, but it seems as though police were called to the home of Britney Spears a few hours ago because she was refusing to hand her children over to Kevin Federline at the time appointed by their custody case and a dispute had broken out. Not that it was just the police that turned up, though - in total it's reported that six police cars, some ambulances, fire tucks and a police helicopter also showed up too. Just as well, because Britney Spears was apparently found to be under the influence of an unknown substance. As such, paramedics have recently removed Britney Spears from her home conscious on a stretcher and taken her to a nearby hospital for 'medical evaluation' while Kevin Federline looks after the children. It all sounds worryingly serious, and the last thing that Britney needs now that her lawyer has just quit, but don't panic too much - it's claimed that Britney Spears still managed to flip off the paparazzi from her stretcher, which we're taking as her way of telling us that she'll be just fine. We'll no doubt have more on this when things firm up. Read more: Britney Spears Wheeled Out Of House After Refusing To Turn Over Kids: Reports - MTV
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Paris Hilton & Kevin Federline? Oh Dear God No

by Stuart Heritage

So Kevin Federline has finally moved on from Britney Spears – except that he seems to have moved on to Paris Hilton, which isn’t so much ‘moving on’ as ‘doing something especially turd-brained’.

Not that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing anything particularly romantic in public, of course – at the moment the pair of them have only set tongues wagging by talking to each other in Las Vegas nightclubs two nights in a row. However, given the difficulty that they both have forming even rudimentary sentences without getting nosebleeds from concentrating too hard, we should obviously take this fact alone as a sign that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing it and in love and want to get married right away. Even if none of that is true.

But let’s just assume that it is true, because it’s January 2 and bugger all else has happened today.

So Kevin Federline has finally moved on from Britney Spears - except that he seems to have moved on to Paris Hilton, which isn't so much 'moving on' as 'doing something especially turd-brained'. Not that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing anything particularly romantic in public, of course - at the moment the pair of them have only set tongues wagging by talking to each other in Las Vegas nightclubs two nights in a row. However, given the difficulty that they both have forming even rudimentary sentences without getting nosebleeds from concentrating too hard, we should obviously take this fact alone as a sign that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing it and in love and want to get married right away. Even if none of that is true. But let's just assume that it is true, because it's January 2 and bugger all else has happened today.
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Britney Spears Wants To Check Her Kids For Drugs

by Stuart Heritage

Thought that Britney Spears’ 16-year-old sister getting knocked up was as bad as it got for the family? Not even close – Britney Spears now apparently thinks her two baby sons have been taking drugs.

Well, sort of – Britney Spears has decided to turn on the attack in her child custody battle with Kevin Federline by apparently claiming that he smokes pot in front of Sean Preston and Jayden James, and that as a result they’re breathing in all his second-hand drug-smoke. It’s thought that Britney Spears was alerted to this possibility by the way that her kids sitting around staring into space and giggling all day. However this might not mean that the Federline-Spears kids are stoned – it might just mean that they’re either a) children or b) genetically very stupid. Really, the truth is that it could be any of these things.

Thought that Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister getting knocked up was as bad as it got for the family? Not even close - Britney Spears now apparently thinks her two baby sons have been taking drugs. Well, sort of - Britney Spears has decided to turn on the attack in her child custody battle with Kevin Federline by apparently claiming that he smokes pot in front of Sean Preston and Jayden James, and that as a result they're breathing in all his second-hand drug-smoke. It's thought that Britney Spears was alerted to this possibility by the way that her kids sitting around staring into space and giggling all day. However this might not mean that the Federline-Spears kids are stoned - it might just mean that they're either a) children or b) genetically very stupid. Really, the truth is that it could be any of these things.
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Kevin Federline Named Father Of The Year, Hell Reportedly Still Unfrozen

by hecklerspray staff

Hey, good news for all you jobless, talentless, freeloading, seed spreading, fame whoring dads out there! You may have a chance to become father of the year. That’s right, you may be awarded such a title if you can claim at least one of the following qualifications:

1) The mother of your children likes to repeatedly declare she’s going to make a huge comeback in the world of pop music, y’all, only to repeatedly get even more drunk, more dishevelled, and more bad hair extensiony.

2) You don’t have to bribe bums on the street for a urine sample to pass the weekly court mandated drug tests to prove you’re not an unfit mother.

3) You’re Kevin Federline.

It’s lucky for Kevin Federline that he fits all three qualifications depressingly well, because that clinches him for the title of Father of the Year as granted by Details magazine.

Oh, Larry Birkhead was also at the top of the list, but we just don’t have the time to focus on him because we have to get our space blankets and water canisters together for the imminent coming of Armageddon.

Hey, good news for all you jobless, talentless, freeloading, seed spreading, fame whoring dads out there! You may have a chance to become father of the year. That’s right, you may be awarded such a title if you can claim at least one of the following qualifications: 1) The mother of your children likes to repeatedly declare she’s going to make a huge comeback in the world of pop music, y’all, only to repeatedly get even more drunk, more dishevelled, and more bad hair extensiony. 2) You don’t have to bribe bums on the street for a urine sample to pass the weekly court mandated drug tests to prove you’re not an unfit mother. 3) You’re Kevin Federline. It’s lucky for Kevin Federline that he fits all three qualifications depressingly well, because that clinches him for the title of Father of the Year as granted by Details magazine. Oh, Larry Birkhead was also at the top of the list, but we just don’t have the time to focus on him because we have to get our space blankets and water canisters together for the imminent coming of Armageddon.
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Britney Spears Gets To Spook Out Her Kids For Christmas

by Stuart Heritage

As Christmas is the time of goodwill to all men, it’s only right that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears should put their custody differences behind them and choose to equally split the amount of time they neglect their kids on Christmas day.

In a rare gesture of kindness to his long-suffering ex-wife, Kevin Federline has allowed Britney Spears to spend Christmas morning with her two young children Sean Preston and Jayden James. This news will be a real shot in the arm for Britney Spears’ morale, because now she gets to continue some of the festive traditions that the kids have already got used to – like the one where Santa comes down the chimney with his vagina hanging out, barfs up in the kitchen, shoves a handful of Cheetos into his face, absent-mindedly stubs out a cigarette on some tinsel and saunters off without leaving any presents.

Plus it means that the court-appointed custody monitor gets to see Britney Spears on Christmas day instead of her own family. Yay!

As Christmas is the time of goodwill to all men, it's only right that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears should put their custody differences behind them and choose to equally split the amount of time they neglect their kids on Christmas day. In a rare gesture of kindness to his long-suffering ex-wife, Kevin Federline has allowed Britney Spears to spend Christmas morning with her two young children Sean Preston and Jayden James. This news will be a real shot in the arm for Britney Spears' morale, because now she gets to continue some of the festive traditions that the kids have already got used to - like the one where Santa comes down the chimney with his vagina hanging out, barfs up in the kitchen, shoves a handful of Cheetos into his face, absent-mindedly stubs out a cigarette on some tinsel and saunters off without leaving any presents. Plus it means that the court-appointed custody monitor gets to see Britney Spears on Christmas day instead of her own family. Yay!
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No More Kiddie-Driving For Britney Spears

by Stuart Heritage

Cars are dangerous things as far as Britney Spears is concerned – if she’s not getting out of them vagina-first in front of every single camera on earth, then she’s driving around erratically in them with her kids inside.

And while the former goes woefully unpunished, the latter at least has seen Britney Spears get banned from driving a car while her children are onboard. A judge hit Britney Spears with the ban on Friday after video emerged of her running a red light on a busy Los Angeles interchange, but Britney is damned if she’s going to take this news sitting down – we’ve heard that she’s ready to exploit the wide open ‘car-only’ loophole in the ban by transporting her two sons around town in a succession of tanks, saddled grizzly bears, fireballs and robot pterodactyls made from shards of broken syringe-glass from now on.

Cars are dangerous things as far as Britney Spears is concerned - if she's not getting out of them vagina-first in front of every single camera on earth, then she's driving around erratically in them with her kids inside. And while the former goes woefully unpunished, the latter at least has seen Britney Spears get banned from driving a car while her children are onboard. A judge hit Britney Spears with the ban on Friday after video emerged of her running a red light on a busy Los Angeles interchange, but Britney is damned if she's going to take this news sitting down - we've heard that she's ready to exploit the wide open 'car-only' loophole in the ban by transporting her two sons around town in a succession of tanks, saddled grizzly bears, fireballs and robot pterodactyls made from shards of broken syringe-glass from now on.
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Britney Spears Still A Pretty Terrible Driver

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears might make you want to kill yourself every time she opens her mouth to sing, but at least she’s not directly endangering anyone’s life – not like when she gets behind the wheel of a car.

Although it’s becoming increasingly clear that Britney Spears is even worse at driving than she is at remembering where her knicker drawer is, the poor girl doesn’t seem to be learning at all. That much is clear from the video footage that’s been released of Britney Spears running a red light in her car in Los Angeles. With her children as passengers. And her mobile phone about an inch away from her face. And a bunch of panicking paparazzi screaming “Red light! Red light!” at her. And now that Kevin Federline has got wind of this video, it means that there’s going to be yet another Britney Spears court hearing set for the middle of the week. Fun.

Britney Spears might make you want to kill yourself every time she opens her mouth to sing, but at least she's not directly endangering anyone's life - not like when she gets behind the wheel of a car. Although it's becoming increasingly clear that Britney Spears is even worse at driving than she is at remembering where her knicker drawer is, the poor girl doesn't seem to be learning at all. That much is clear from the video footage that's been released of Britney Spears running a red light in her car in Los Angeles. With her children as passengers. And her mobile phone about an inch away from her face. And a bunch of panicking paparazzi screaming "Red light! Red light!" at her. And now that Kevin Federline has got wind of this video, it means that there's going to be yet another Britney Spears court hearing set for the middle of the week. Fun.
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Britney Spears Gets To Pay K-Fed’s Bills, The Lucky Cow

by Stuart Heritage

Hey kids, don’t bother trying hard at school; it turns out that the quickest way to financial success is to knock up a borderline-deluded superstar a couple of times – just ask Kevin Federline.

As we’ve told you every day since pretty much the dawn of man, Kevin Federline and Britney Spears are currently fighting for custody of their two children. If she didn’t act so crazy, Britney would have been the obvious choice for custody because a) she’s the mother, b) the father is Kevin Federline, a man who looks like he still needs to use children’s safety scissors and c) she’s loaded. Even though she does keep acting crazy, though, the last point still stands true. But if Britney Spears wanted to exploit that by riding the custody battle out until Kevin Federline runs out of money and gives up, she’s in for a shock – Britney Spears has been ordered to pay for Kevin Federline’s legal bills as well as her own.

Hey kids, don't bother trying hard at school; it turns out that the quickest way to financial success is to knock up a borderline-deluded superstar a couple of times - just ask Kevin Federline. As we've told you every day since pretty much the dawn of man, Kevin Federline and Britney Spears are currently fighting for custody of their two children. If she didn't act so crazy, Britney would have been the obvious choice for custody because a) she's the mother, b) the father is Kevin Federline, a man who looks like he still needs to use children's safety scissors and c) she's loaded. Even though she does keep acting crazy, though, the last point still stands true. But if Britney Spears wanted to exploit that by riding the custody battle out until Kevin Federline runs out of money and gives up, she's in for a shock - Britney Spears has been ordered to pay for Kevin Federline's legal bills as well as her own.
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