Sometimes, after a messy break up, it’s the broken woman who gets all of the attention. Just look at Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Whilst she was going commando in clubs and giving herself weird haircuts, very few people spared a thought for poor Federline – alone in a big house somewhere, playing Toxic over and over again, gorging on chocolate bars and eating what must have been about nine meals a day. It was only when he emerged from his post-wedding grief the size of a house that anyone stopped and pointed their cameras at him again.

Yes sir, that man has been eating. So much so that the rumour zipping through Hollywood is that he’s going to sort himself out not by privately hitting a local gym, but by getting broken down and built back up again on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club in February next year. He’s got guts. Quite literally.

The former backing dancer, one time appalling rapper, and provider of the potent seed that impregnated the popular singer, Britney Spears, not once, but twice, has really let himself go in recent months. Yet, weirdly the clothes are still the same size, it’s just that the man beneath them now fills them out. And like so many backing dancers who once married famous singers – like Cris Judd of was-temporarily-married-to-Jennifer-Lopez fame – the Fed is now branching out into the glamourous swishy world of reality television. Incidentally, for those who can’t quite remember, Judd was one I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here. He was the bald guy. He won the thing.

If further rumours are true, Federline will be sweating and groaning alongside a host of fellow celebrities, many, like Kevin, whom once felt the full heat of a dazzling spotlight that has since waned.  There’s Bobby Brown – another pop star divorcee, who has taken to scraping coins together through reality television. Nicole Eggert, who was once so taut and impressive in a Baywatch swimming costume, playing Summer, but now looks like just another woman in her late-30s who loves the sweet aroma of a good pudding. And, most dramatically, Kevin’s ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson - mother to yet another brace of handsome Federline offspring.

Britney has been allowed her phoenix-like rise from the smouldering ashes of her post-freak-out career. So now it’s Kevin’s turn to bask in some familiar glory. And who knows? The sight of her ex-husband wobbling unsteadily and wheezing on a set of scales, as his ex-girlfriend does some clumsy press-ups in the background, might just bring all of those old sexy feelings back. Watch this space.

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Remember when K-Fed had a dancer’s body? Sure it was covered in bad tattoos, cornrows made without the aid of a mirror and a layer of congealed body grease, but still – it was a dancer’s body.

And he used that body to scoop up Britney Spears and steal her away to a life most view as exotic fantasy and wonder.

Well he’s not scooping things up with that body any more. Except burritos, corn chips, and maybe an entire half-pig flame-broiled and basted.

What we’re getting at here is the man has gained weight – and boy has he!

The whole reason so many people bought Kevin Federline’s one album was because they took it on blind faith that it was a thin man delivering all those wonderful lyrics. Nobody wants to hear music made by fat people – that’s why Wilson Phillips had such a disappointing run.

Sure, once in a while the overweight can crack the top 40, but we think that the one time it happened it was more on the strength of the hit movie Disorderlies than it was from people wanting to hear angry lyrics about abbreviated late night menus.

Now that K-Fed is officially fat, he’s going to all but fade from the common man’s mind set unless he artistically incorporates his stretch marks into a photographic image of his track listing. We would definitely buy that. It’s the only thing he can really do, you know. Have fun with it, let us now he’s still ‘the Fed.’

Anyway – he showed off his new tarp-covered bod at a recent golf tournament. As we understand it, the balls he was swinging at rested comfortably on his naval, as did holes one through six.

Us Magazine has a much more viable account of the fatter of the matter:

“Kevin Federline turned heads at a California sporting event Monday. But it wasn’t over his golfing skills; it was over his size. At one point at Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic, an employee on the grounds saw Federline and remarked, “Man, that’s a belly on him! That’s K-Fed?!?”"

Really though, nobody’s a fan of Federline because he makes albums. Their his fans because he makes babies. Sure, critics’ll say that none of the follow-ups were as good as the first one, but as long as he keeps trying there’ll be a dedicated audience there to buy up his efforts.

Of course, that’ll most likely all take place in the Persian black market, but still – with a talent like K-Fed’s rich Arabs will always be hungry for more.

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Humanity could soon be wiped out by couple of Mexican pigs with the sniffles. But relax, Britney Spears is on it.

If Ryan Seacrest is right, then Britney Spears plans to repopulate the planet in her image – she’s apparently pregnant again. This means, in years to come, Britney Spears will be seen as Earth’s new Eve figure – identical to the old Eve but with worse skin, madder eyes and, somehow, even fewer clothes.

Anyway, Britney Spears is reportedly pregnant again. All that Eve stuff was a distraction to stop you howling in despair like we did when we found out.

You know how most performers exist on an album/tour/album/tour cycle? Not Britney Spears. She like to mix things up, which is why she’s currently in the middle of a gruelling album/tour/baby/baby/harrowing mental breakdown/vagina/album/tour/baby/vagina/breakdown/vagina/breakdown/vagina cycle. And the sharper among you will have noticed that, since Britney Spears is currently on tour, the next stop obviously involves a baby.

So let’s cut to the chase. Despite being so overwhelmingly controlled by her father that we genuinely wouldn’t be surprised to one day catch him with his hand up her bottom, Britney Spears is apparently pregnant again. And this news comes direct from Ryan Seacrest, so it must be true. MTV reports:

Britney Spears is said to be pregnant one more time following reports from the US. American idol host Ryan Seacrest broke the alleged news on his LA radio show where he claimed he heard the information from a ‘reliable source.’

So is Britney Spears pregnant? It’s hard to say – Britney’s rep has denied it, but who are we to argue with Ryan Seacrest? And determining how pregnant Britney Spears is has got a lot harder since she cleaned up her act – it’s not like we can wait for her to get out of a car in a miniskirt and check to see if there’s a tiny pair of hands and a terrified face jutting out of her clodge any more, is it?

And also, if Britney Spears is pregnant, who’s the father? Before this alleged pregnancy was announced, Britney Spears was being linked to all kinds of men. There was one of her backing dancers, for instance, along with her tour manager, a member of Good Charlotte and her ex-husband Kevin Federline.

Having said that, though, it shouldn’t be such a hard job to work out who the dad is – it’s just a case of working out the face you’d pull if an evening of fun that you’d entered into out of nothing more than ironic curiosity had suddenly turned into a lifetime of reluctant responsibility, and then matching it with the men we listed above.

Personally, though, we’re praying that the baby belongs to Kevin Federline. Not because we’re romantic or anything – but because if it isn’t, it’ll be so mentally advanced compared to Britney’s other two children that they’ll probably end up mistaking it for a robot and killing it before it even learns to speak.

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Those eyes, that belly, the ridiculous desire to become a rapper – let’s face it, Kevin Federline is a catch.

Oh wait, no, that was a typo. We actually meant to say that you’d probably catch a number of highly contagious diseases from Kevin Federline if you stood face to face with him. Yes, that’s much better. Sorry for the confusion.

But, hey, just because we think that Kevin Federline is a bit of a sleazy reality-divorced greaseball, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone out there for him. And that someone might just be Britney Spears. Again. Terrifying, isn’t it?

We don’t say this lightly – in fact we don’t know why we’re saying it at all – but has anyone else, you know, missed Kevin Federline a bit? Because we think we sort of have.

We know, we know, it completely defies logic. But we do. Since Britney Spears divorced Kevin Federline all those years ago, there hasn’t been anyone so determined to emotionally manipulate a loved one into letting them piggyback around on their fame in order to pursue a genuinely disastrous rap career. Well, there’s Spencer Pratt, we suppose, but our doctors inform us that we’re not allowed to think of him any more in case the nosebleeds return.

In that respect, Kevin Federline was a genius who wouldn’t stop until he’d written a movie about his own life and bribed people to buy his album with a pair of his own shoes. True, in every other respect he was a disgusting leech of a man who almost single-handedly turned Britney Spears’ life into the tragicomic clodge explosion that it is today, but in that respect he was a genius.

So no wonder Britney Spears wants Kevin Federline back.

No, you read that right. Britney Spears apparently wants Kevin Federline back. We’ll let OK! explain the rest, because frankly we’ve come over all dizzy:

“They have such a complicated history, but Britney has never stopped caring about him,” a Federline family member tells OK!. “Now that she has put most of her problems behind her and is making an impressive concert comeback, she’s feeling like she, Kevin and the boys could have a fresh start.”

Now bear with us – although a Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline reunion is just about the most repulsive thing our minds will let us imagine at the moment, it might have its plus sides. For example, Britney Spears needs the stability of her family around her at the moment and Kevin Federline has been falling back on his ‘one baby per year’ quota a little bit recently, so getting back with Britney Spears might be the only thing to stop his testicles reaching critical mass and exploding, covering everyone in a four-mile radius with his unejaculated semen in the process.

Is that really what you want? To be drenched in Kevin Federline’s jism? Is it? Of course not – that sort of thing is best left to the experts. That’s why he’s never needed Britney Spears more.

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But that didn’t stop People this week. In its new issue, Kevin Federline has decided to open up for the first time about what ended his marriage to Britney Spears. Was it because Britney went barmy? Was it because Kevin Federline is a bloodsucking redneck? Ooh, we’re excited!

Anyway, it seems like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have patched up their differences – Britney has even made sure she released her big comeback album to coincide with Kevin’s weird, parasitic little interview. Heartwarming!

It’s fair to say that Kevin Federline got the bum deal in his divorce from Britney Spears. Yes, Britney might have been the one who had a full-on psychiatric meltdown and literally ended up being slung into a padded cell against her wishes, but that meant that Kevin Federline had to look after the children they had. And those little buggers can swear!

What’s more, by being the primary carer for Sean Preston and Jayden James, Kevin Federline also found that the public’s perception of him was changing. Kevin was no longer the idle layabout with such epic delusions about his own talent that at one point he was literally writing the film of his own life, but something close to responsible parent who wants the best for his children.

And this made Kevin Federline angry. Responsible? Caring? That’s not who K-Fed is at all! So, to fight back and show the world that he’s still the same opportunistic, untrustworthy-looking cornrowed streak of yokel tosspiss that he’s always been, Kevin Federline has taken the biggest step available to him, short of re-releasing Popozao.

That’s right – Kevin Federline has decided to openly discuss the break-up of his marriage to Britney Spears for the first time on the same day that Britney’s new album is released in America. Oh, and he’s also done a photoshoot for the cover of the magazine carrying the interview co-starring the children that Britney isn’t allowed to see much of in case she has a psychiatric relapse and injures one of them. What a lovely man.

But, credit where credit’s due, in the interview Kevin Federline hasn’t simply taken the easy option and blamed Britney Spears for the break-up of their marriage. No, Kevin Federline has instead looked the situation dead in the eye and bravely and honestly pinned it all on his stupid kids. Kevin told People:

It’s hard enough to be in a marriage, and then have a kid, then kids, it changes everything. For me, I’d become more concerned with my children. Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important. I didn’t give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn’t even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed [for divorce]. [I was] completely blindsided.

OK, so he was blaming Britney Spears a bit as well as his kids. Sorry.

But, hey, at least we know what happened now. And maybe, now that he’s said his piece, Kevin Federline will slink away into the background again and it’ll be the last we hear from him. Apart from when Britney Spears decides to release the deluxe version of Circus in the middle of next year, because then he’ll obviously need to do another interview about how much of an unfit mother he thinks Britney is. He is only human, after all.

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And that calls for a change of tack. Rather than bleating on about how relentlessly misery-filled her life is all the time, Britney Spears chose her second-biggest promotional tool – an interview with Rolling Stone – to discuss the positive things in her life. Like her infant children, for example, and how they, um, can’t stop blurting out inappropriate swearwords all the time.

Needless to say, Britney Spears blames all this sudden effing and jeffing on the fact that the kids have been primarily raised by Kevin Federline. But Britney needs to look on the bright side here – at least they’re using words to communicate. That’s far more sophisticated than the system of hoots, grunts, roars and crude caveman gestures that Kevin Federline uses himself.

Britney Spears is all set to release her big shiny comeback album Circus next week, and everything’s in place. The artwork is suitably creepy, the lead single is helpfully monotonous and the entire album has been leaked onto the internet so that people can decide that they don’t like it without having to buy it first.

That just leaves one problem – the promotion of Circus. That’s just bewildering. The big push, of course, was supposed to be the Britney: For The Record documentary, but since that looks about as depressing as watching Requiem For A Dream in an abattoir at 4am with a habitual glue-sniffer, Britney Spears has chosen to do something more conventional as well – an interview with Rolling Stone.

Nothing could go wrong with that – the questions were all pre-vetted and Britney Spears would never be left alone with the reporter – unless Britney used the interview to yammer on about what filthy mouths her two- and three-year-old children have already developed. Which, oh, she did:

“They don’t look like their father at all. And it’s weird ’cause they’re starting to learn words like ’stupid,’ and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn’t get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.”

Yes, that stands to reason. Kevin Federline isn’t exactly the model of respectability, is he? To be honest Sean Preston and Jayden James probably did learn some swearwords from him. But if Britney Spears had been in charge of looking after them, that wouldn’t be the case at all. Admittedly they would have probably learnt how to babble gibberish in a pretend British accent quite well. And how to have all sorts of gut-churning sex with obnoxious and clearly inappropriate photographers all the time. And their constant anguished screams would have been second to none. But at least they wouldn’t swear.

But so what? They’re just words. It’s not ideal that Britney’s kids know how to swear but, if anything, it’s something they could have done with learning even earlier in life. That way they’d have been able to convey complex thoughts like “Mummy, don’t run any more fucking red lights when we’re in the car with you,” or “Mummy, please don’t lock me in the fucking bathroom with you and scream about death until the police are called again, you silly old cuntwhistle.”

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There’s no punchline to that, by the way, it’s just a question. Maybe it’s because of her ridiculous legal fees, or maybe it has any other real reason behind it, but Britney Spears is reportedly in talks for another reality show for MTV.

While we’re not so cynical as to deny there may be genuine reasons for the show, we are cynical enough to expect this to be one of the worst decisions she has ever made. Reality shows aren’t exactly the fast-track to normality that Britney seems to think they are, and her reasons of ‘to get me mah kids back’ isn’t exactly the finest of reasons to put yourself on worldwide public display.

While you’re recovering from a mental breakdown. While your dad has to look after you. While you’re trying desperately not to humiliate yourself publicly again. Someone have a word with the girl, please.

While we were content to see stories of Britney complaining about how much she’s paid to not get her kids back and how much they like her spaghetti (home made sauce, apparently), evidently young Ms Spears isn’t that content. She wants us to be able to laugh at her again – she wants us to mock her, violently.

It’s almost as if she’s read that hecklerspray has been complaining about feeling somewhat sympathetic towards her. It’s very kind of her to try and get some semblance of normality re-established, and it’s especially kind of her to bring us back our Britney-smile which we lost so long ago.

According to monstersandcritics.com:

The proposed programme will focus on Britney’s attempts to get her life and career back on track following her breakdown earlier this year.

So presumably it will focus on Britters as she tries to hock her reality TV show to anyone who will listen, seeing as that seems to be her method of getting her life back on track. How being a star of a reality show is good grounds to give someone their kids back we don’t know, but that seems to be the prevalent thought running through this.

A source told The Daily Star newspaper these words:

“Britney’s dad is furious. He thinks it’s a big mistake and doesn’t want anything to do with it. But Britney thinks it will help her custody battle for her two sons.”

Whereas a ‘pal’ – the Star’s words, not ours – was as upbeat as one would expect from such a potential development:

“This could turn out to be the biggest car crash television moment of all time.”

Frankly, so long as she doesn’t have any serious mental breakdowns during the show, that could be a very good thing. We all need to be perked up in this post-9/11, credit crunch knife-crime fueled world of war and the lack of basic human rights. So what better way than to laugh at the very public downfall of a celebrity?

Though we would like to offer some constructive criticism for Britney Spears – she could come up with some new material. We mean, we’ve seen her have a public breakdown before, it’s not like this is anything new to the lay person.

Maybe if she happened to have an accident at a toxic waste plant and got herself some superpowers it would have a real draw for the audience, but as it stands it just looks to be the repeated downfall of that one who went out with Kevin Federline. Not ‘great’ TV by anyone’s imagination.

But no one seems to have put any real thought into how this has affected the girl on a financial level – yes, we’ll all happily point out that she’s gone mental, we’ll laugh (and wince) when we see her ladybits on show in public and we’ll wonder why she’s such a glutton for punishment when she’s rumoured to make a second appearance at the MTV VMAs.

Then, when all the other news has run out, when she’s calmed down and stopped being as mad, when the kids are safely hidden away with Kevin Federline, people start resorting to cold, hard figures. Namely the ones that say Britney Spears has spent around $700,000 on legal fees trying to get her kids back.

Then the smirk about the situation fades and we are left feeling a bit bad for her again. She’s got quite good at making us not take the piss out of her, actually. The crafty wench.

Whereas the lawyers working on the legal battle between Britney and K-Fed, regarding custody of their children, aren’t just crafty – they’re incredible, evil geniuses. One attorney involved in the case was raking in a reported $700 per hour – PER HOUR – for her services. Now, we all know parasi… lawyers are renowned for being expensive, but by god that’s insane.

The fact that the $407,000 that this Stacy Phillips is claiming is for four months work, well – it makes the blood drip out of our eyes with more force than we’ve ever seen before. There’s rage, anger, vitriol and righteous fury, then there’s this. And we don’t know what it is yet – we need another naming session. Answers below, kids.

Compare Phillips’ rates to those of Britney’s family lawyer, who was re-hired and managed to negotiate increased visitation rights for the mentally fragile poplet – $60,000 for two months work. Still a hell of a lot of money, but Jesus H tapdancing fuckery it isn’t nearly half a million dollars.

The hecklerspray sarcasm/reasonably funny quip generating machine seems to have broken in the wake of this news, being replaced by one that only produces sheer, undiluted rage. Oh well – the shoe still fits.

The question could be raised to the lawyers involved in this case of “how do you sleep at night?” but the simple answer would clearly be that of Rainier Wolfcastle from The Simpsons, who when asked the same question responded: “On top of a pile of money, with many beautiful women.”

Or they’d just gleefully ignore the question and drive off in a money-filled car, to a house made of platinum-laced gold to eat money salad with sauteed money and a side dish of roast money. The absolute, god-awful parasites. They haven’t even managed to get Britney her kids back, so what’s the point in paying them? Surely they’re not worth that much.

Surprisingly enough – or not – the fees are being contested by Britney Spears’ current legal team. Who are probably on more than minimum wage themselves, let’s be honest here, and while the girl can afford it, it doesn’t mean she should be fleeced endlessly.

In fact, she should probably donate some cash our way for being really nice to her.

Well, we say ‘a’, we should really say ‘the’ fame casualty. Yes folks, it’s Britney Watch day 35,598 – what’s going to happen?! Not much really, but still – the conservatorship that has been in place since February of this year has been extended for another five months.

Meaning what, exactly? Well, that daddy gets to tell little Miss Spears what to do, how to do it and how to spend her money until the end of the year, as well as being in control of, well – everything.

And we bet he’s loving every second of it.

But it’s not all bad for the former pop queen of the universe who is now head-mental, as these orders aren’t set in stone and can be rescinded at any given time. We’re willing to bet the orders stay just as they are, seeing as the person likely to be contesting them the most will be the woman who claimed she was the devil, married Kevin Federline and then got her kids took off her (there’s no point in linking to all those stories again again again, so let’s go wiiiiith… this one).

She just doesn’t have much of a good case, frankly.

At least we can rest easy in hecklerspray towers knowing that James Spears – papa – isn’t too much of a controlling, fame-hungry cretin hell bent on making his kid live out his missed opportunities vicariously. We hope. Good crikey we hope.

Britney should see this in a positive light though – sure, she has no real control over her own life, has a succession of failed relationships, isn’t allowed to look after her own kids and has had a mental breakdown in front of the whole world.

But which 26-year-old wouldn’t want to go home and sit around doing nothing for a year, being looked after by their parents and not having to lift a finger? Which is effectively what has happened here, let’s not split hairs.

In fact, screw all the sympathetic press Britney’s been getting – she’s bloody lucky to be in this situation. We bet she never runs out of bog roll and there’s always food in the cupboards. Plus if someone she doesn’t want to talk to comes round she can just send her dad to tell them to piss off, instead of having to politely put up with them for a couple of hours, as you do when living in your own place.

Plus there’s no worries about bills, TV licensing, dodgy landlords and the like.

Britney Spears really is the luckiest person in the world right now.

Maybe when she gets this legal freedom back – possibly later this year, though likely the beginning of next year – she’ll opt to stay at home, eventually becoming one of those complete embarrassments to pops, living in the basement, eating nothing but pasta and trawling the internets all day long.

Yes: she’ll become a hecklerspray writer. The irony would be too delicious to handle.

Non-partisan as hecklerspray may be though (you vote for who you actually want to vote for), we can’t help but feel something of an affinity with Barack Obama after his presidential rival John McCain compared the Democrat to both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

That’s the kind of politician we could get on board with!

You may be confused – why would we support those likened to Hilton and Spears, she of limited values and she of limited mental wellness? It’s alright; McCain is not saying Obama is a hot little philly to be adored by men and idolised by young women. No, the Republican is getting on board with the hecklerspray way of thinking, seeing Spears and Hilton as vapid wastes of space, sucking up valuable air and not being worth the paper they’re printed on.

What do you mean they’re not actually made of paper? It’s certainly how they come across.

But is McCain alluding to the possibility of Obama having severe mental issues? Is he stating through his campaign ads – in which the comparisons are made – that Barack is likely to lose his kids and have to give them up to Kevin Federline? Because frankly, that’s just harsh. That’s below the belt. That’s downright dirty.

But the question we need to know the answer to – the one that has been keeping us awake for these last few… errm… hours – is this: is Senator John McCain of the Republican party, presidential candidate and genuine Old Man claiming, in a roundabout way probably too subtle for the masses to understand, that he is in possession of a porn film starring Barack Obama?

Is that why he’s equating the Democrat to Paris Hilton? We need to know.

The questions raised by McCain’s political broadcast are sure to get the US talking about the race for the presidency more than ever before. Surely all Obama has to do now is make an appearance on the VMAs and his reign at the helm of the most powerful nation in the world will be guaranteed.

Rick Davis, campaign manager for McCain, let the world in on this fact-nugget:

“I don’t know Paris Hilton and Britney Spears but they are international celebrities, so, you know, apples to apples.”

No, we have no idea either. It’s just a funny quote when you take it out of context.

Check out the video for yourselves, see if you can picture Barack Obama miming to ‘Toxic’ in a bikini top and tight-fitting PVC pants. Because that’s the image it conjures up over here…

That’s because Britney Spears’ ex-husband plans to release a fitness DVD.

You see, K-Fed does not want to rely on the $20,000 a month he gets from Britney Spears to help him bring up their two kids Jayden James, 21 months, and two-year-old Sean Preston, who he was given full custody of earlier this month.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window)>>

He’s successfully divorced himself from a woman who at least temporarily thought she was the devil, he’s recently gained full custody of the children he helped make with fluid that just bursts out of him sometimes, and most importantly he’s no longer obligated to play the role of Elle Woods in the upcoming Legally Blonde musical that he only just got fired from.

We think he was an understudy.

We don’t really think that. He was going to be in the thing though – in three bit roles. But then he started making all sorts of lengthy demands and the producers just had it, so they told him to stick it where the sun don’t shine in three verses and a gorgeously-rhymed chorus.

To be clear, we have no idea if Kevin Federline’s firing included a song & dance number – but he did get fired. Apparently, you see, at some point someone thought he’d make a brilliant addition to the cast of Legally Blonde the Musical. He was given three small roles – including a UPS man, a ten-foot alligator and a resurrected Michael Landon. (Landon’s heavenly self pops in as a surprise witness to help Woods clinch her big case).

We don’t know that either. Technically, the only thing we really know is what we’ve read on Star:

“Kevin Federline’s dream of becoming a Broadway star has been shattered! Britney Spears’ ex, 30, thought he had it made when producers of Legally Blonde approached him about making his theater debut in September. But now he’s back to square one. “The producers gave Kevin his walking papers,” an insider tells Star. “Kevin was acting like a Broadway diva, and he hasn’t even stepped on to the stage yet!”

Financially speaking, you still don’t have to worry about the Fed. We’ve heard he has plans to return to his job of licking strawberry frosting off the necks of middle-aged women for money, and then applying glitter on the spots where his tongue made their skin wet.

He hasn’t sunken that far yet. It’s a shame Broadway didn’t work out for him though. He’s already stretched his acting chops on one of those CSI shows, and his one fast food commercial got him universal accolades from universalaccolades.com.

And to get one of those things it costs more than just the $7.99 fee. You also have to pay postage if you want the certificate.

We know because we’ve done business with them on several occassions.

But, at long last, Britney and Kevin have managed to stagger to a full, final custody settlement. And it’s not particularly great news for Britney Spears – Kevin Federline has been granted sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Britney Spears will still be able to visit her children, but that’s hardly enough time to build a loving relationship between mother and sons – all the time she gets with them will be spent frantically trying to make them unlearn whatever dumb lessons Kevin Federline has been teaching them, like ‘Cornrows make you look cool’ or ‘Jamming knitting needles into plug sockets is fun’. Poor Britney won’t even have a chance to hug them.

The child custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline never really took off the way anyone expected it to. While Charlie and Denise and Alec and Kim spent their time lashing out at one another in public, Britney and Kevin seemed to genuinely want the best for their children. Which is good for the kids but rubbish for us. Nobody ever thinks of us.

The potential was there – it’s not often that a child custody case comes along where the mother is a woman who shaves her head and calls herself the devil and the father sometimes goes to court dressed as a pirate – but the sparks never really flew between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline the way everyone expected them to. Stupid anti-psychotic medication.

But now it’s over. It’s all over. Rather than allow the court commissioner to give the children the best possible chance at life they had – by sending them to Cambodia to stitch footballs together, or giving them to a pack of hungry bears, or just letting them crawl around on the motorway – Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a custody settlement.

And that settlement is sole custody for Kevin Federline with occasional visits from Britney Spears. E! Online spoke to Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan:

“The case has been settled. The court still has to approve it. As of this evening there is a fully executed deal memo… All the issues that would have been addressed at trial have been settled… Kevin is absolutely delighted.”

That’s not to say that Kevin Federline will have sole custody of the kids forever, though – once Britney Spears has recovered to the extent that she no longer needs a conservator, it’s thought that Federline is open to the idea of giving her co-parenting status again.

But that’s just a possibility to deal with in the future. For now Kevin Federline has sole custody of his kids. And, you know, perhaps it’s for the best.

After all, Britney Spears obviously still isn’t well enough to look after herself, let alone her children – and this means that she’s freed up to concentrate on making a professional comeback to the best of her abilities.

And this custody settlement has also boosted Kevin Federline’s credibility as a father. He’s had to put up with jibes about his ability for a couple of years now, but gaining sole custody means that he’s clearly a very capable father.

Plus it’s wicked funny when he dresses the babies up in tuxedos and gets them to act as beer butlers at house parties until 4am, too – now he gets to do that whenever he wants.

But this was a success. An actual success. The court commissioner has increased Britney Spears’ child visitation rights, you see.

Three cheers for Britney Spears! If only there were more heartwarming stories about women too mentally unwell to care for their own children except for occasional strictly court-imposed appointments in the presence of a psychologist and an external child safety monitor, maybe the world would be a better place.

There’s a lot of talk about Britney Spears being a bad mother just because she drove with one of them on her lap once and seems constantly on the brink of a messy bipolar sobbing suicide attempt – but it’s clear that actually Britney Spears is a good mother.

Why? Because there’s a statue of Britney Spears with a baby poking out of her minge. Is there a statue of a baby poking out of your minge? Thought not. And when Britney Spears had a harrowing breakdown that resulted in her admission into a psychiatric hospital, who did she think to take hostage in a locked bathroom until the police were called? That’s right – her children. Would you think to do that? No, no you wouldn’t. You’re the bad mother here. Britney Spears is the best.

That’s not just our opinion either – that’s the opinion of the commissioner in charge of yesterday’s custody hearing between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. OK, maybe ‘the best’ is an overstatement. Let’s try ‘marginally less likely to cause her children harm than three months ago’ instead.

That’s right – yesterday Britney Spears was told that she can see her children slightly more often than before, as the Los Angeles Times reports:

The singer’s visitation rights to sons Sean Preston and Jayden James were expanded Tuesday after a custody hearing with her ex-husband, Kevin Federline. According to Usmagazine.com, there was no change in custody. Federline’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan merely said that her time with the boys will be “more than it has been.” But according to TMZ.com, Spears will get three days supervised visitation a week and visitation on Mother’s Day.

This result is a good sign for all involved, notably Britney Spears. The more time she gets to spend with her children, the more she’ll become aware that she has a wider responsibility than to just herself. But Britney Spears isn’t the only one to feel the benefit of the commissioner’s decision.

Kevin Federline now gets a little more free time to research answers to some of the tricky questions that his children ask, like ‘why is the sky blue?’ and ‘how many legs does a doggy have?’

And, best of all, the kids get to see Britney Spears again. Not the singing, dancing pop princess Britney Spears from the TV that the rest of us get to see, but the dead-eyed, emotionally brittle psychiatric patient Britney Spears who gave birth to them. Heartwarming.

Read more:

Happy Mother’s Day, y’all: Britney Spears allowed more time with her boys – LA Times

And that was mostly to do with whether she or Kevin Federline should be able to look after her kids. And guess what – there’s a custody rematch scheduled for today!

It’s so exciting – Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent so long out of court that they’ll probably be straining at the leash to tear into each other for control of their kids once they get inside. Without a doubt, this is the most eagerly anticipated 30-second court hearing to quickly decide that Britney Spears is still too unwell to look after her children for, ooh, like a month or something.

Having seen Britney Spears on How I Met Your Mother, you’ve probably come to the conclusion that she’s fully recovered from that nasty gravely disabled thing from three months ago. After all, only someone irrefutably sane can make a brief, mediocre sex joke at Doogie Howser after a week of parrot-fashion rehearsals, right?

But that’s where you’re wrong. Although Britney Spears has made some progress since her father took conservatorship of her estate – by now the sight of Britney Spears’ vagina is a distant, though still admittedly nightmare-inducing, memory – she’s still not well enough to have full visitation rights with her children.

It’s not quite as bad as it was – the risk of Britney Spears locking herself in the bathroom with the kids and giving off the vague impression that she might kill one of them has fallen slightly – but as it stands Britney only gets occasional time with her kids, and they’re always in the presence of a court-appointed monitor who’s probably armed with a taser and a net or whatever the modern-day equivalent is.

But today Britney Spears gets to face her ex-husband and current primary guardian of her children Kevin Federline in court for a custody hearing. Could this finally be Britney’s chance to win her children back? Could it?

No, of course it couldn’t. Britney Spears is mental. Weren’t you listening to anything we just said? People reports:

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are both expected to attend a hearing in Los Angeles family court Tuesday for a progress review, sources confirm. Though Spears has spent the last several months keeping a relatively low profile – and staying out of trouble – experts say it’s unlikely the pair’s current custody arrangement will change. “As long as Britney remains under a conservatorship, she has a long way to go before the court views her as a capable mother,” says L.A. family lawyer Scott Weston, who is not involved in the case.

Of course you’re right, family lawyer Scott Weston who is not involved in the case, it’d be ludicrous to imagine that Britney Spears is well enough to look after two young boys if she can’t even look after herself. We never should have doubted you.

But one day maybe Britney Spears will finally get custody of her children, and the sooner it happens the better. Not because we’re emotionally invested in Britney’s mental welfare or anything, but because every day that Sean Preston and Jayden James get looked after by Kevin Federline is another day that daddy teaches them that the seventh letter of the alphabet is pronounced “grundle” and that real love involves making sure his bong water is the right temperature.

Read more:

Britney & Kevin to Meet in Court – People