It’s okay everybody, you can relax, there’s no more need to worry, Kevin Federline is fine.

We know, you were scared that K-Fed might be taken from us too soon, but we’re pleased to announce that all is well with Britney’s Baby Daddy and he didn’t actually suffer a heart attack that none of us would have cared about.

Federline was hospitalised earlier this week after he collapsed whilst filming a weight loss show in Australia, he was quickly rushed to hospital along with the paramedics who had initially tried to lift him onto the stretcher.

The world’s most favouritest douchebag spent much of the day in hospital, before being released to recover at home, probably in a soiled wife beater and a trucker cap.

At the peak of his girth, Federline had reached a whopping 17stone, which doesn’t sound like much for an American, but being – as he is – an American that was supposed to be vaguely famous for something, this a HUGE deal.

Admittedly that thing he was famous for was having sperm so polluted that it sent Britney Spears batshit insane enough for her to marry him, shave her head, attack a car with an umbrella and hole up in her Hollywood mansion, in a weird Waco 90210 stand off.

We should applaud Federline for attempting to get back into shape, but he’s just so annoying it’s hard for us to even care whether or not this little episode was an actual problem with his heart, or indigestion caused by the rapid consumption of a Big Mac.

It probably was indigestion anyway, it’s hard to imagine K-Fed, who’s now sporting a pony tail because he wasn’t white trash enough before, can even eat a simple burger without taking breaks from chewing with his mouth open to tell anyone and everyone who will listen how he totally nailed Britney Spears, whilst simultaneously humping and spanking the air in a display of chauvinism that borders on the retarded.

So next time you’re in a fast food chain, about to tuck in to that tasty burger you ordered, just remember this. Somewhere, out there in a restaurant just like the one you’re sat in, is Kevin Federline.

It’s a good thing that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline separated; his Sperm of Steel would have wrecked her womb for good.

Britney filed for divorce from Kevin on 7 November, 2007; only days before her entire reproductive system would have caved in, from the constant sperm attacks and the overuse. We’re not even kidding. Somewhere in their legal papers, ‘tired womb’ is listed in crayon as the reason for the split.

Maybe we’re exaggerating. Maybe it’s not entirely fair to blame Kevin for knocking-up a third woman, with his fifth child, in eight years. He can hardly be expected to account for every individual one of his swimmers. That’d be madness.

Or, you know, cheaper.

Kevin’s spokesperson isn’t making an official comment about whether his client is going to be parent to a fifth child – a baby who’d be half-sibling to the sons of Britney.

However, it’s being reported, by just about every American outlet who enjoys schadenfreude as much as we, that Kevin impregnated his girlfriend-of-two-years, Victoria Prince. Add to that, pictures from the weekend of Britney’s eldest son protectively clinging to his father’s girlfriend’s stomach as the paparazzi looked on. And ba-zing! We’ve got a baby!

From People:

It’s Papa Zao time again for Kevin Federline.  The former backup dancer and onetime rapper is expecting his fifth child this summer – his first baby with girlfriend Victoria Prince, a source tells PEOPLE. Federline is already a father of four: sons Jayden, 4, and Preston, 5, with ex-wife Britney Spears; and son Kaleb, 6, and daughter Kori, 8, with ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson.  This will be Prince’s first child. Federline, 33, and Prince, 28, a former professional volleyball player, have been dating for more than two years.

We guess this is no different at all than Scary Spice, Mel B, getting pregnant by a third guy; already having children by Eddie Murphy and her first husband. But it’s still alarming.

Wait. Should we, at hecklerspray, all be breeding and producing babies with at least three of the other writers? Egads!

We’re getting no younger… we’ll be back in five minutes. No, six minutes. All that sexy turkey baster action isn’t going to botch itself.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who has thus far not had one of K-Feds babies growing inside her. So hurray to that then.

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There comes a point in every celebrity’s life where they look around them and think “You know what would improve this broken shell of a planet? An album by me.”

And most of the time, they literally couldn’t be any more wrong. Just look at Heidi Montag from The Hills. She spent $2 million of her own money making an album, and last week it turned out that she’d only managed to sell 658 of the buggers. What we suppose we’re trying to say is this – ahahhahahahaha hahahahahahaha hahaha haha hahahahahahahahaha Heidi Montag is an idiot.

But she’s not the only one. Here, for your… no, enjoyment isn’t the right word, are the top ten celebrity music careers that started badly and only got worse…

10 – Joe Pesci

Perhaps because he had a brief stint as the scariest man in Hollywood – a reputation he still tries to maintain by attacking fans every now and then – Sony executives didn’t stand in Joe Pesci’s way in 1988 when he proposed an entire album, Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You, performed in the style of his character from My Cousin Vinny. Nor did they stand in his way when he inexplicably decided to rap through great swathes of it. Largely horrific, but redeemed slightly by the track Take Your Love And Shove It Up Your Big Fat Ass, which – without hyperbole – is the best thing humanity has ever created.

9 – Russell Crowe

You get the impression that Russell Crowe sees himself as a sensitive hardman, don’t you? He’ll smash your face off, but then he’ll croon you a tender ballad to make it better. What he doesn’t seem aware of, however, is that all his tender ballads sound like piss-poor Bon Jovi rip-offs and they cause more pain than physical violence ever would. Do you know anyone with a Russell Crowe CD? No, and there’s a reason for that.

8 – Keeley Hazell

Putting pay to the rumour that all young women who stand around naked for a living are also world-class popstars in the making is Voyeur, the 2008 debut single by Page Three girl Keeley Hazell. It did not chart, and this minute-long clip is all that remains. May it forever act as a warning to future generations who would otherwise be doomed to repeat this atrocity.

7 – Bruce Willis

Ready for another reason why America is better than the UK? Watch the video above. It’s Bruce Willis indulging in some genuinely toe-curling banter before launching into a hamfisted mauling of Under The Boardwalk with The Temptations. If you had to attach a suitable chart position to it, what would it be? 59? That’s right, because it’s awful in every way imaginable. And that’s why the Americans kept it there. We, on the other hand, decided to help it to number two and make it the twelfth-biggest hit of 1987. We are idiots. We hate us.

6 – Stefan Dennis

In 1989, Neighbours star Stefan Dennis thought that his song Don’t It Make You Feel Good made him look cool and interesting. It wasn’t. Now Stefan Dennis often references Don’t It Make You Feel Good in public, because he think it makes him look self-referential and ironic. Again, it doesn’t. It makes him look like Jeremy Clarkson‘s less-tolerable little brother.

5 – Chanelle Hayes

Chanelle became famous on Big Brother a few years ago for her obsession with Victoria Beckham. And, to prove just how obsessed she was, upon her eviction she released an unlistenably bad pop song. That’s dedication. After the song failed to chart, possibly because the song’s video featured her erotically rubbing herself up and down a grain silo, Chanelle found her true vocation – posing in lad mags with her top off. She always keeps her nipples covered up, though. She’s classy.

4 – Paris Hilton

No list like this would ever be complete without a mention of Paris Hilton, whose 2006 album Paris spawned the not irredeemably bad singles Stars Are Blind and Nothing In This World. However, after insisting to a journalist that Stars Are Blind got its name because nickname was Star – leading him to remark “But you’re not blind. Are you?” – it became clear that Hilton’s brain couldn’t quite cope with singing and thinking at the same time, and she gracefully retired. To endorse a line of tinned champagne instead. God, that woman is bloody clueless.

3 – Hayden Panettiere

Cast your minds back, all the way back to when people watched Heroes. Remember it? Remember the cheerleader from it? She brought out a single once, called Wake Up Call. It sounded like an even worse version of Stars Are Blind and stalled at number 97 in the charts. And now we’ve reminded you that it even existed in the first place, Honestly, what bastards we are.

2 – Kevin Federline

Fact. Kevin Federline is the worst man that ever lived. Fact. Kevin Federline’s album Playing With Fire is the least essential album ever made. Fact. In comparison to his music, everything that his ex-wife Britney Spears ever recorded sounds majestic and awe-inspiring. Fact. Within a few months of releasing his album, Kevin Federline was forced to dance about in an insurance ad for cash. Fact. Despite all this, Kevin Federline’s first week album sales were still almost ten times greater than Heidi Montag’s first week album sales.

1 – Heidi Montag

Ahahahahaha ahahaha hahahaha! 658 copies! Ahahahahahahahaha!

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Sometimes, after a messy break up, it’s the broken woman who gets all of the attention. Just look at Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Whilst she was going commando in clubs and giving herself weird haircuts, very few people spared a thought for poor Federline – alone in a big house somewhere, playing Toxic over and over again, gorging on chocolate bars and eating what must have been about nine meals a day. It was only when he emerged from his post-wedding grief the size of a house that anyone stopped and pointed their cameras at him again.

Yes sir, that man has been eating. So much so that the rumour zipping through Hollywood is that he’s going to sort himself out not by privately hitting a local gym, but by getting broken down and built back up again on VH1′s Celebrity Fit Club in February next year. He’s got guts. Quite literally.

The former backing dancer, one time appalling rapper, and provider of the potent seed that impregnated the popular singer, Britney Spears, not once, but twice, has really let himself go in recent months. Yet, weirdly the clothes are still the same size, it’s just that the man beneath them now fills them out. And like so many backing dancers who once married famous singers – like Cris Judd of was-temporarily-married-to-Jennifer-Lopez fame – the Fed is now branching out into the glamourous swishy world of reality television. Incidentally, for those who can’t quite remember, Judd was one I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here. He was the bald guy. He won the thing.

If further rumours are true, Federline will be sweating and groaning alongside a host of fellow celebrities, many, like Kevin, whom once felt the full heat of a dazzling spotlight that has since waned.  There’s Bobby Brown – another pop star divorcee, who has taken to scraping coins together through reality television. Nicole Eggert, who was once so taut and impressive in a Baywatch swimming costume, playing Summer, but now looks like just another woman in her late-30s who loves the sweet aroma of a good pudding. And, most dramatically, Kevin’s ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson - mother to yet another brace of handsome Federline offspring.

Britney has been allowed her phoenix-like rise from the smouldering ashes of her post-freak-out career. So now it’s Kevin’s turn to bask in some familiar glory. And who knows? The sight of her ex-husband wobbling unsteadily and wheezing on a set of scales, as his ex-girlfriend does some clumsy press-ups in the background, might just bring all of those old sexy feelings back. Watch this space.

Like this do you? Then read more of Josh’s stuff at Interestment.

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Remember when K-Fed had a dancer’s body? Sure it was covered in bad tattoos, cornrows made without the aid of a mirror and a layer of congealed body grease, but still – it was a dancer’s body.

And he used that body to scoop up Britney Spears and steal her away to a life most view as exotic fantasy and wonder.

Well he’s not scooping things up with that body any more. Except burritos, corn chips, and maybe an entire half-pig flame-broiled and basted.

What we’re getting at here is the man has gained weight – and boy has he!

The whole reason so many people bought Kevin Federline‘s one album was because they took it on blind faith that it was a thin man delivering all those wonderful lyrics. Nobody wants to hear music made by fat people – that’s why Wilson Phillips had such a disappointing run.

Sure, once in a while the overweight can crack the top 40, but we think that the one time it happened it was more on the strength of the hit movie Disorderlies than it was from people wanting to hear angry lyrics about abbreviated late night menus.

Now that K-Fed is officially fat, he’s going to all but fade from the common man’s mind set unless he artistically incorporates his stretch marks into a photographic image of his track listing. We would definitely buy that. It’s the only thing he can really do, you know. Have fun with it, let us now he’s still ‘the Fed.’

Anyway – he showed off his new tarp-covered bod at a recent golf tournament. As we understand it, the balls he was swinging at rested comfortably on his naval, as did holes one through six.

Us Magazine has a much more viable account of the fatter of the matter:

“Kevin Federline turned heads at a California sporting event Monday. But it wasn’t over his golfing skills; it was over his size. At one point at Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic, an employee on the grounds saw Federline and remarked, “Man, that’s a belly on him! That’s K-Fed?!?”"

Really though, nobody’s a fan of Federline because he makes albums. Their his fans because he makes babies. Sure, critics’ll say that none of the follow-ups were as good as the first one, but as long as he keeps trying there’ll be a dedicated audience there to buy up his efforts.

Of course, that’ll most likely all take place in the Persian black market, but still – with a talent like K-Fed’s rich Arabs will always be hungry for more.

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Humanity could soon be wiped out by couple of Mexican pigs with the sniffles. But relax, Britney Spears is on it.

If Ryan Seacrest is right, then Britney Spears plans to repopulate the planet in her image – she’s apparently pregnant again. This means, in years to come, Britney Spears will be seen as Earth’s new Eve figure – identical to the old Eve but with worse skin, madder eyes and, somehow, even fewer clothes.

Anyway, Britney Spears is reportedly pregnant again. All that Eve stuff was a distraction to stop you howling in despair like we did when we found out.

You know how most performers exist on an album/tour/album/tour cycle? Not Britney Spears. She like to mix things up, which is why she’s currently in the middle of a gruelling album/tour/baby/baby/harrowing mental breakdown/vagina/album/tour/baby/vagina/breakdown/vagina/breakdown/vagina cycle. And the sharper among you will have noticed that, since Britney Spears is currently on tour, the next stop obviously involves a baby.

So let’s cut to the chase. Despite being so overwhelmingly controlled by her father that we genuinely wouldn’t be surprised to one day catch him with his hand up her bottom, Britney Spears is apparently pregnant again. And this news comes direct from Ryan Seacrest, so it must be true. MTV reports:

Britney Spears is said to be pregnant one more time following reports from the US. American idol host Ryan Seacrest broke the alleged news on his LA radio show where he claimed he heard the information from a ‘reliable source.’

So is Britney Spears pregnant? It’s hard to say – Britney’s rep has denied it, but who are we to argue with Ryan Seacrest? And determining how pregnant Britney Spears is has got a lot harder since she cleaned up her act – it’s not like we can wait for her to get out of a car in a miniskirt and check to see if there’s a tiny pair of hands and a terrified face jutting out of her clodge any more, is it?

And also, if Britney Spears is pregnant, who’s the father? Before this alleged pregnancy was announced, Britney Spears was being linked to all kinds of men. There was one of her backing dancers, for instance, along with her tour manager, a member of Good Charlotte and her ex-husband Kevin Federline.

Having said that, though, it shouldn’t be such a hard job to work out who the dad is – it’s just a case of working out the face you’d pull if an evening of fun that you’d entered into out of nothing more than ironic curiosity had suddenly turned into a lifetime of reluctant responsibility, and then matching it with the men we listed above.

Personally, though, we’re praying that the baby belongs to Kevin Federline. Not because we’re romantic or anything – but because if it isn’t, it’ll be so mentally advanced compared to Britney’s other two children that they’ll probably end up mistaking it for a robot and killing it before it even learns to speak.

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Those eyes, that belly, the ridiculous desire to become a rapper – let’s face it, Kevin Federline is a catch.

Oh wait, no, that was a typo. We actually meant to say that you’d probably catch a number of highly contagious diseases from Kevin Federline if you stood face to face with him. Yes, that’s much better. Sorry for the confusion.

But, hey, just because we think that Kevin Federline is a bit of a sleazy reality-divorced greaseball, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone out there for him. And that someone might just be Britney Spears. Again. Terrifying, isn’t it?

We don’t say this lightly – in fact we don’t know why we’re saying it at all – but has anyone else, you know, missed Kevin Federline a bit? Because we think we sort of have.

We know, we know, it completely defies logic. But we do. Since Britney Spears divorced Kevin Federline all those years ago, there hasn’t been anyone so determined to emotionally manipulate a loved one into letting them piggyback around on their fame in order to pursue a genuinely disastrous rap career. Well, there’s Spencer Pratt, we suppose, but our doctors inform us that we’re not allowed to think of him any more in case the nosebleeds return.

In that respect, Kevin Federline was a genius who wouldn’t stop until he’d written a movie about his own life and bribed people to buy his album with a pair of his own shoes. True, in every other respect he was a disgusting leech of a man who almost single-handedly turned Britney Spears’ life into the tragicomic clodge explosion that it is today, but in that respect he was a genius.

So no wonder Britney Spears wants Kevin Federline back.

No, you read that right. Britney Spears apparently wants Kevin Federline back. We’ll let OK! explain the rest, because frankly we’ve come over all dizzy:

“They have such a complicated history, but Britney has never stopped caring about him,” a Federline family member tells OK!. “Now that she has put most of her problems behind her and is making an impressive concert comeback, she’s feeling like she, Kevin and the boys could have a fresh start.”

Now bear with us – although a Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline reunion is just about the most repulsive thing our minds will let us imagine at the moment, it might have its plus sides. For example, Britney Spears needs the stability of her family around her at the moment and Kevin Federline has been falling back on his ‘one baby per year’ quota a little bit recently, so getting back with Britney Spears might be the only thing to stop his testicles reaching critical mass and exploding, covering everyone in a four-mile radius with his unejaculated semen in the process.

Is that really what you want? To be drenched in Kevin Federline’s jism? Is it? Of course not – that sort of thing is best left to the experts. That’s why he’s never needed Britney Spears more.

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Kevin Federline interviews are rare – transcribing all the hoots and grunts that form his vocabulary can take hours.

But that didn’t stop People this week. In its new issue, Kevin Federline has decided to open up for the first time about what ended his marriage to Britney Spears. Was it because Britney went barmy? Was it because Kevin Federline is a bloodsucking redneck? Ooh, we’re excited!

Anyway, it seems like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have patched up their differences – Britney has even made sure she released her big comeback album to coincide with Kevin’s weird, parasitic little interview. Heartwarming!

It’s fair to say that Kevin Federline got the bum deal in his divorce from Britney Spears. Yes, Britney might have been the one who had a full-on psychiatric meltdown and literally ended up being slung into a padded cell against her wishes, but that meant that Kevin Federline had to look after the children they had. And those little buggers can swear!

What’s more, by being the primary carer for Sean Preston and Jayden James, Kevin Federline also found that the public’s perception of him was changing. Kevin was no longer the idle layabout with such epic delusions about his own talent that at one point he was literally writing the film of his own life, but something close to responsible parent who wants the best for his children.

And this made Kevin Federline angry. Responsible? Caring? That’s not who K-Fed is at all! So, to fight back and show the world that he’s still the same opportunistic, untrustworthy-looking cornrowed streak of yokel tosspiss that he’s always been, Kevin Federline has taken the biggest step available to him, short of re-releasing Popozao.

That’s right – Kevin Federline has decided to openly discuss the break-up of his marriage to Britney Spears for the first time on the same day that Britney’s new album is released in America. Oh, and he’s also done a photoshoot for the cover of the magazine carrying the interview co-starring the children that Britney isn’t allowed to see much of in case she has a psychiatric relapse and injures one of them. What a lovely man.

But, credit where credit’s due, in the interview Kevin Federline hasn’t simply taken the easy option and blamed Britney Spears for the break-up of their marriage. No, Kevin Federline has instead looked the situation dead in the eye and bravely and honestly pinned it all on his stupid kids. Kevin told People:

It’s hard enough to be in a marriage, and then have a kid, then kids, it changes everything. For me, I’d become more concerned with my children. Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important. I didn’t give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn’t even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed [for divorce]. [I was] completely blindsided.

OK, so he was blaming Britney Spears a bit as well as his kids. Sorry.

But, hey, at least we know what happened now. And maybe, now that he’s said his piece, Kevin Federline will slink away into the background again and it’ll be the last we hear from him. Apart from when Britney Spears decides to release the deluxe version of Circus in the middle of next year, because then he’ll obviously need to do another interview about how much of an unfit mother he thinks Britney is. He is only human, after all.

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Judging by that documentary of her crying for an hour, Britney Spears’ promotion of Circus hasn’t got off to a particularly great start.

And that calls for a change of tack. Rather than bleating on about how relentlessly misery-filled her life is all the time, Britney Spears chose her second-biggest promotional tool – an interview with Rolling Stone – to discuss the positive things in her life. Like her infant children, for example, and how they, um, can’t stop blurting out inappropriate swearwords all the time.

Needless to say, Britney Spears blames all this sudden effing and jeffing on the fact that the kids have been primarily raised by Kevin Federline. But Britney needs to look on the bright side here – at least they’re using words to communicate. That’s far more sophisticated than the system of hoots, grunts, roars and crude caveman gestures that Kevin Federline uses himself.

Britney Spears is all set to release her big shiny comeback album Circus next week, and everything’s in place. The artwork is suitably creepy, the lead single is helpfully monotonous and the entire album has been leaked onto the internet so that people can decide that they don’t like it without having to buy it first.

That just leaves one problem – the promotion of Circus. That’s just bewildering. The big push, of course, was supposed to be the Britney: For The Record documentary, but since that looks about as depressing as watching Requiem For A Dream in an abattoir at 4am with a habitual glue-sniffer, Britney Spears has chosen to do something more conventional as well – an interview with Rolling Stone.

Nothing could go wrong with that – the questions were all pre-vetted and Britney Spears would never be left alone with the reporter – unless Britney used the interview to yammer on about what filthy mouths her two- and three-year-old children have already developed. Which, oh, she did:

“They don’t look like their father at all. And it’s weird ’cause they’re starting to learn words like ‘stupid,’ and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn’t get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.”

Yes, that stands to reason. Kevin Federline isn’t exactly the model of respectability, is he? To be honest Sean Preston and Jayden James probably did learn some swearwords from him. But if Britney Spears had been in charge of looking after them, that wouldn’t be the case at all. Admittedly they would have probably learnt how to babble gibberish in a pretend British accent quite well. And how to have all sorts of gut-churning sex with obnoxious and clearly inappropriate photographers all the time. And their constant anguished screams would have been second to none. But at least they wouldn’t swear.

But so what? They’re just words. It’s not ideal that Britney’s kids know how to swear but, if anything, it’s something they could have done with learning even earlier in life. That way they’d have been able to convey complex thoughts like “Mummy, don’t run any more fucking red lights when we’re in the car with you,” or “Mummy, please don’t lock me in the fucking bathroom with you and scream about death until the police are called again, you silly old cuntwhistle.”

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Why can’t Britney Spears just decide whether or not she’s actually getting better?

There’s no punchline to that, by the way, it’s just a question. Maybe it’s because of her ridiculous legal fees, or maybe it has any other real reason behind it, but Britney Spears is reportedly in talks for another reality show for MTV.

While we’re not so cynical as to deny there may be genuine reasons for the show, we are cynical enough to expect this to be one of the worst decisions she has ever made. Reality shows aren’t exactly the fast-track to normality that Britney seems to think they are, and her reasons of ‘to get me mah kids back’ isn’t exactly the finest of reasons to put yourself on worldwide public display.

While you’re recovering from a mental breakdown. While your dad has to look after you. While you’re trying desperately not to humiliate yourself publicly again. Someone have a word with the girl, please.

While we were content to see stories of Britney complaining about how much she’s paid to not get her kids back and how much they like her spaghetti (home made sauce, apparently), evidently young Ms Spears isn’t that content. She wants us to be able to laugh at her again – she wants us to mock her, violently.

It’s almost as if she’s read that hecklerspray has been complaining about feeling somewhat sympathetic towards her. It’s very kind of her to try and get some semblance of normality re-established, and it’s especially kind of her to bring us back our Britney-smile which we lost so long ago.

According to monstersandcritics.com:

The proposed programme will focus on Britney’s attempts to get her life and career back on track following her breakdown earlier this year.

So presumably it will focus on Britters as she tries to hock her reality TV show to anyone who will listen, seeing as that seems to be her method of getting her life back on track. How being a star of a reality show is good grounds to give someone their kids back we don’t know, but that seems to be the prevalent thought running through this.

A source told The Daily Star newspaper these words:

“Britney’s dad is furious. He thinks it’s a big mistake and doesn’t want anything to do with it. But Britney thinks it will help her custody battle for her two sons.”

Whereas a ‘pal’ – the Star‘s words, not ours – was as upbeat as one would expect from such a potential development:

“This could turn out to be the biggest car crash television moment of all time.”

Frankly, so long as she doesn’t have any serious mental breakdowns during the show, that could be a very good thing. We all need to be perked up in this post-9/11, credit crunch knife-crime fueled world of war and the lack of basic human rights. So what better way than to laugh at the very public downfall of a celebrity?

Though we would like to offer some constructive criticism for Britney Spears – she could come up with some new material. We mean, we’ve seen her have a public breakdown before, it’s not like this is anything new to the lay person.

Maybe if she happened to have an accident at a toxic waste plant and got herself some superpowers it would have a real draw for the audience, but as it stands it just looks to be the repeated downfall of that one who went out with Kevin Federline. Not ‘great’ TV by anyone’s imagination.

We all know what’s been happening with Britney Spears in recent times – the vast majority of her life seems to have adorned these very pages over the last couple of years.

But no one seems to have put any real thought into how this has affected the girl on a financial level – yes, we’ll all happily point out that she’s gone mental, we’ll laugh (and wince) when we see her ladybits on show in public and we’ll wonder why she’s such a glutton for punishment when she’s rumoured to make a second appearance at the MTV VMAs.

Then, when all the other news has run out, when she’s calmed down and stopped being as mad, when the kids are safely hidden away with Kevin Federline, people start resorting to cold, hard figures. Namely the ones that say Britney Spears has spent around $700,000 on legal fees trying to get her kids back.

Then the smirk about the situation fades and we are left feeling a bit bad for her again. She’s got quite good at making us not take the piss out of her, actually. The crafty wench.

Whereas the lawyers working on the legal battle between Britney and K-Fed, regarding custody of their children, aren’t just crafty – they’re incredible, evil geniuses. One attorney involved in the case was raking in a reported $700 per hour – PER HOUR – for her services. Now, we all know parasi… lawyers are renowned for being expensive, but by god that’s insane.

The fact that the $407,000 that this Stacy Phillips is claiming is for four months work, well – it makes the blood drip out of our eyes with more force than we’ve ever seen before. There’s rage, anger, vitriol and righteous fury, then there’s this. And we don’t know what it is yet – we need another naming session. Answers below, kids.

Compare Phillips’ rates to those of Britney’s family lawyer, who was re-hired and managed to negotiate increased visitation rights for the mentally fragile poplet – $60,000 for two months work. Still a hell of a lot of money, but Jesus H tapdancing fuckery it isn’t nearly half a million dollars.

The hecklerspray sarcasm/reasonably funny quip generating machine seems to have broken in the wake of this news, being replaced by one that only produces sheer, undiluted rage. Oh well – the shoe still fits.

The question could be raised to the lawyers involved in this case of “how do you sleep at night?” but the simple answer would clearly be that of Rainier Wolfcastle from The Simpsons, who when asked the same question responded: “On top of a pile of money, with many beautiful women.”

Or they’d just gleefully ignore the question and drive off in a money-filled car, to a house made of platinum-laced gold to eat money salad with sauteed money and a side dish of roast money. The absolute, god-awful parasites. They haven’t even managed to get Britney her kids back, so what’s the point in paying them? Surely they’re not worth that much.

Surprisingly enough – or not – the fees are being contested by Britney Spears’ current legal team. Who are probably on more than minimum wage themselves, let’s be honest here, and while the girl can afford it, it doesn’t mean she should be fleeced endlessly.

In fact, she should probably donate some cash our way for being really nice to her.

Another day, another wonderful look into the personal life of a fame casualty.

Well, we say ‘a’, we should really say ‘the’ fame casualty. Yes folks, it’s Britney Watch day 35,598 – what’s going to happen?! Not much really, but still – the conservatorship that has been in place since February of this year has been extended for another five months.

Meaning what, exactly? Well, that daddy gets to tell little Miss Spears what to do, how to do it and how to spend her money until the end of the year, as well as being in control of, well – everything.

And we bet he’s loving every second of it.

But it’s not all bad for the former pop queen of the universe who is now head-mental, as these orders aren’t set in stone and can be rescinded at any given time. We’re willing to bet the orders stay just as they are, seeing as the person likely to be contesting them the most will be the woman who claimed she was the devil, married Kevin Federline and then got her kids took off her (there’s no point in linking to all those stories again again again, so let’s go wiiiiith… this one).

She just doesn’t have much of a good case, frankly.

At least we can rest easy in hecklerspray towers knowing that James Spears – papa – isn’t too much of a controlling, fame-hungry cretin hell bent on making his kid live out his missed opportunities vicariously. We hope. Good crikey we hope.

Britney should see this in a positive light though – sure, she has no real control over her own life, has a succession of failed relationships, isn’t allowed to look after her own kids and has had a mental breakdown in front of the whole world.

But which 26-year-old wouldn’t want to go home and sit around doing nothing for a year, being looked after by their parents and not having to lift a finger? Which is effectively what has happened here, let’s not split hairs.

In fact, screw all the sympathetic press Britney’s been getting – she’s bloody lucky to be in this situation. We bet she never runs out of bog roll and there’s always food in the cupboards. Plus if someone she doesn’t want to talk to comes round she can just send her dad to tell them to piss off, instead of having to politely put up with them for a couple of hours, as you do when living in your own place.

Plus there’s no worries about bills, TV licensing, dodgy landlords and the like.

Britney Spears really is the luckiest person in the world right now.

Maybe when she gets this legal freedom back – possibly later this year, though likely the beginning of next year – she’ll opt to stay at home, eventually becoming one of those complete embarrassments to pops, living in the basement, eating nothing but pasta and trawling the internets all day long.

Yes: she’ll become a hecklerspray writer. The irony would be too delicious to handle.

The race for US presidency isn’t something we’re likely to cover very much on these pages – it’s too divisive even for us. Plus we’re British-based, so we’re legally not allowed an opinion.

Non-partisan as hecklerspray may be though (you vote for who you actually want to vote for), we can’t help but feel something of an affinity with Barack Obama after his presidential rival John McCain compared the Democrat to both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

That’s the kind of politician we could get on board with!

You may be confused – why would we support those likened to Hilton and Spears, she of limited values and she of limited mental wellness? It’s alright; McCain is not saying Obama is a hot little philly to be adored by men and idolised by young women. No, the Republican is getting on board with the hecklerspray way of thinking, seeing Spears and Hilton as vapid wastes of space, sucking up valuable air and not being worth the paper they’re printed on.

What do you mean they’re not actually made of paper? It’s certainly how they come across.

But is McCain alluding to the possibility of Obama having severe mental issues? Is he stating through his campaign ads – in which the comparisons are made – that Barack is likely to lose his kids and have to give them up to Kevin Federline? Because frankly, that’s just harsh. That’s below the belt. That’s downright dirty.

But the question we need to know the answer to – the one that has been keeping us awake for these last few… errm… hours – is this: is Senator John McCain of the Republican party, presidential candidate and genuine Old Man claiming, in a roundabout way probably too subtle for the masses to understand, that he is in possession of a porn film starring Barack Obama?

Is that why he’s equating the Democrat to Paris Hilton? We need to know.

The questions raised by McCain’s political broadcast are sure to get the US talking about the race for the presidency more than ever before. Surely all Obama has to do now is make an appearance on the VMAs and his reign at the helm of the most powerful nation in the world will be guaranteed.

Rick Davis, campaign manager for McCain, let the world in on this fact-nugget:

“I don’t know Paris Hilton and Britney Spears but they are international celebrities, so, you know, apples to apples.”

No, we have no idea either. It’s just a funny quote when you take it out of context.

Check out the video for yourselves, see if you can picture Barack Obama miming to ‘Toxic’ in a bikini top and tight-fitting PVC pants. Because that’s the image it conjures up over here…

From DIETPIXIE – If you thought the release of the worst single ever, Popozao, was the lowest point in Kevin Federline’s ‘career’– think again.

That’s because Britney Spears’ ex-husband plans to release a fitness DVD.

You see, K-Fed does not want to rely on the $20,000 a month he gets from Britney Spears to help him bring up their two kids Jayden James, 21 months, and two-year-old Sean Preston, who he was given full custody of earlier this month.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window)>>

These days everything’s coming up roses for ol’ K. Federline.

He’s successfully divorced himself from a woman who at least temporarily thought she was the devil, he’s recently gained full custody of the children he helped make with fluid that just bursts out of him sometimes, and most importantly he’s no longer obligated to play the role of Elle Woods in the upcoming Legally Blonde musical that he only just got fired from.

We think he was an understudy.

We don’t really think that. He was going to be in the thing though – in three bit roles. But then he started making all sorts of lengthy demands and the producers just had it, so they told him to stick it where the sun don’t shine in three verses and a gorgeously-rhymed chorus.

To be clear, we have no idea if Kevin Federline’s firing included a song & dance number – but he did get fired. Apparently, you see, at some point someone thought he’d make a brilliant addition to the cast of Legally Blonde the Musical. He was given three small roles – including a UPS man, a ten-foot alligator and a resurrected Michael Landon. (Landon’s heavenly self pops in as a surprise witness to help Woods clinch her big case).

We don’t know that either. Technically, the only thing we really know is what we’ve read on Star:

“Kevin Federline’s dream of becoming a Broadway star has been shattered! Britney Spears’ ex, 30, thought he had it made when producers of Legally Blonde approached him about making his theater debut in September. But now he’s back to square one. “The producers gave Kevin his walking papers,” an insider tells Star. “Kevin was acting like a Broadway diva, and he hasn’t even stepped on to the stage yet!”

Financially speaking, you still don’t have to worry about the Fed. We’ve heard he has plans to return to his job of licking strawberry frosting off the necks of middle-aged women for money, and then applying glitter on the spots where his tongue made their skin wet.

He hasn’t sunken that far yet. It’s a shame Broadway didn’t work out for him though. He’s already stretched his acting chops on one of those CSI shows, and his one fast food commercial got him universal accolades from universalaccolades.com.

And to get one of those things it costs more than just the $7.99 fee. You also have to pay postage if you want the certificate.

We know because we’ve done business with them on several occassions.