It’s okay everybody, you can relax, there’s no more need to worry, Kevin Federline is fine.
We know, you were scared that K-Fed might be taken from us too soon, but we’re pleased to announce that all is well with Britney’s Baby Daddy and he didn’t actually suffer a heart attack that none of us would have cared about.
Federline was hospitalised earlier this week after he collapsed whilst filming a weight loss show in Australia, he was quickly rushed to hospital along with the paramedics who had initially tried to lift him onto the stretcher.
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It’s a good thing that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline separated; his Sperm of Steel would have wrecked her womb for good.
Britney filed for divorce from Kevin on 7 November, 2007; only days before her entire reproductive system would have caved in, from the constant sperm attacks and the overuse. We’re not even kidding. Somewhere in their legal papers, ‘tired womb’ is listed in crayon as the reason for the split.
Maybe we’re exaggerating. Maybe it’s not entirely fair to blame Kevin for knocking-up a third woman, with his fifth child, in eight years. He can hardly be expected to account for every individual one of his swimmers. That’d be madness.
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There comes a point in every celebrity’s life where they look around them and think “You know what would improve this broken shell of a planet? An album by me.”
And most of the time, they literally couldn’t be any more wrong. Just look at Heidi Montag from The Hills. She spent $2 million of her own money making an album, and last week it turned out that she’d only managed to sell 658 of the buggers. What we suppose we’re trying to say is this – ahahhahahahaha hahahahahahaha hahaha haha hahahahahahahahaha Heidi Montag is an idiot.
But she’s not the only one. Here, for your… no, enjoyment isn’t the right word, are the top ten celebrity music careers that started badly and only got worse…
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Sometimes, after a messy break up, it’s the broken woman who gets all of the attention. Just look at Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Whilst she was going commando in clubs and giving herself weird haircuts, very few people spared a thought for poor Federline – alone in a big house somewhere, playing Toxic over and over again, gorging on chocolate bars and eating what must have been about nine meals a day. It was only when he emerged from his post-wedding grief the size of a house that anyone stopped and pointed their cameras at him again.
Yes sir, that man has been eating. So much so that the rumour zipping through Hollywood is that he’s going to sort himself out not by privately hitting a local gym, but by getting broken down and built back up again on VH1′s Celebrity Fit Club in February next year. He’s got guts. Quite literally. Read More >>>
Remember when K-Fed had a dancer’s body? Sure it was covered in bad tattoos, cornrows made without the aid of a mirror and a layer of congealed body grease, but still – it was a dancer’s body.
And he used that body to scoop up Britney Spears and steal her away to a life most view as exotic fantasy and wonder.
Well he’s not scooping things up with that body any more. Except burritos, corn chips, and maybe an entire half-pig flame-broiled and basted.
What we’re getting at here is the man has gained weight – and boy has he!
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Humanity could soon be wiped out by couple of Mexican pigs with the sniffles. But relax, Britney Spears is on it.
If Ryan Seacrest is right, then Britney Spears plans to repopulate the planet in her image – she’s apparently pregnant again. This means, in years to come, Britney Spears will be seen as Earth’s new Eve figure – identical to the old Eve but with worse skin, madder eyes and, somehow, even fewer clothes.
Anyway, Britney Spears is reportedly pregnant again. All that Eve stuff was a distraction to stop you howling in despair like we did when we found out.
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Those eyes, that belly, the ridiculous desire to become a rapper – let’s face it, Kevin Federline is a catch.
Oh wait, no, that was a typo. We actually meant to say that you’d probably catch a number of highly contagious diseases from Kevin Federline if you stood face to face with him. Yes, that’s much better. Sorry for the confusion.
But, hey, just because we think that Kevin Federline is a bit of a sleazy reality-divorced greaseball, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone out there for him. And that someone might just be Britney Spears. Again. Terrifying, isn’t it?
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Those eyes, that belly, the ridiculous desire to become a rapper - let's face it, Kevin Federline is a catch.
Oh wait, no, that was a typo. We actually meant to say that you'd probably catch a number of highly contagious diseases from Kevin Federline if you stood face to face with him. Yes, that's much better. Sorry for the confusion.
But, hey, just because we think that Kevin Federline is a bit of a sleazy reality-divorced greaseball, it doesn't mean that there isn't someone out there for him. And that someone might just be Britney Spears. Again. Terrifying, isn't it?
Kevin Federline interviews are rare – transcribing all the hoots and grunts that form his vocabulary can take hours.
But that didn’t stop People this week. In its new issue, Kevin Federline has decided to open up for the first time about what ended his marriage to Britney Spears. Was it because Britney went barmy? Was it because Kevin Federline is a bloodsucking redneck? Ooh, we’re excited!
Anyway, it seems like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have patched up their differences – Britney has even made sure she released her big comeback album to coincide with Kevin’s weird, parasitic little interview. Heartwarming!
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