Despite all the protestations of nerdy, no-life Superman superfans, it appears that Superman: Man Of Steel is going to follow the blueprint of the newest Batman films, just like we said they would. That’s because Hollywood is completely devoid of ideas.
Yup, Superman – the lamest superhero of them all despite abilities to the contrary – is going to go all mean and moody.
Zack Snyder’s reboot will see Clark Kent frowning a lot and trying to work out the purpose of his life, deciding whether to become Superman at all. Of course he should. He’s got x-ray vision, can fly and punch holes through your chest. He’s probably lousy in bed though. Anyway, we’ve got some photographs of Henry Cavill on-set looking… um… moody and homeless.
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What is Kevin Costner famous for? Well, he sang I Will Always Love You and said “back, and to the left” for five hours straight in JFK and… uh… he was in the terrible Waterworld. And that’s about it.
And now, getting the chance to redeem himself from such atrocities, he now being lamer than a horse sanctuary, wimping out of Quentin Tarantino’s ‘Django Unchained’.
Thank god we’ve got Kurt Russell – a real man – to take his place. Whaddaguy!
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Superman. He’s a bit rubbish isn’t he? He can fly, shoot lasers out of his eyes, blow really really coldly and make the world spin in reverse. Yet, he’s one of the lamest superheroes ever who has pretty lousy taste in women.
This has meant the movie adaptations have left us all a little disappointed by virtue of the fact they were rather true to the original comics. Apart from the one with Richard Pryor in. That was ace. Especially the bit where the woman gets eaten by a computer and turns into the internet.
Anyway, there’s a new Superman due called Man Of Steel and the woman who is The Piece in it is called Amy Adams. You might know her from movies such as Enchanted, Catch Me If You Can, The Fighter and Andre The Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye. And we’ve got the first pictures of her on set.
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Everyone is superhero mad at the moment, and the lamest of the bunch is coming back. That’s right! Supreme square, Superman is going to return to our screens with Henry Cavill landing the role.
That must be nice for him.
You may have been wondering what he’s going to look like in his super suit and, despite the fact we showed you what he’d look like ages ago, we’re going to show you a new picture! That’s right! You can look at a picture with your non-super eyes!
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Wowee! A man with a perfectly square head like Spongebob will be playing a baddie with a daft name in the new Superman film! You probably heard it elsewhere first, but not as sarcastically as this! You heard it here first!
That’s right folks! Some complete stranger called Michael Shannon is going to be playing the part of General Zod in the upcoming Superman re-boot Superman: Man Of Steel.
You may remember Zod as being that bloke with an awful stadium pop outfit and a dodgy greying beard in the ’80s Superman II movie. He’s the one who wandered around with his henchmen, going on like an amdram Shakespearean actor in plastic wellingtons.
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Remember the first time you watched The Bodyguard? It felt like it was 37 hours long didn’t it? Still, nowhere near as long as the hideous ‘I Will Always Love YooooooOOOoOoOOOUuu’ haunted our pop charts.
As an aside, have you ever noticed that Whitney Houston looks like she’s having an alfresco dump as the key-change kicks in on the promo video for the song?
Anyway, Warner Bros are looking to remake the film about Whitney Houston being stalked by someone and then, ultimately, falling in love with one of the most boring faced humans on Earth, Kevin Costner. And sadly, it appears that they’re lining up Rihanna for the role.
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People have run out of ideas about how to fix the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. That said, they only ever had one idea.
Golf balls. Apparently golf balls don’t fix environmental catastrophes. Who knew? But anyway, now that the lack of a solution has become equally disastrous and embarrassing, the authorities have decided to call in the big guns. That’s right, James Cameron is on the case.
No, not a world-class environmental scientist called James Cameron. James Cameron James Cameron. The Avatar guy. He knows exactly how to repair the broken pipeline because he owns some submarines and he knows a lot about underwater stuff. Or, failing that, he can just plug the hole with his increasingly berserk Helen Mirren haircut. Either way, he’s our new hero!
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Just when you thought Kevin Costner couldn’t get any less interesting, comes news that he and his second wife Christine Baumgartner have again genetically replicated themselves.
This time producing a squealing, pooping life form remarkably named Hayes Logan.
Pinch us. The numbness is spreading.
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