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Kerry Katona

‘Skint’ Kerry Katona To Buy A New Body

by hecklerspray staff

From DIETPIXIE – Big, lumpy, common, brassy, once-was-pretty, now fronts Iceland, Kerry Katona has decided her body is so ravaged that she needs a new one.

The woman who can honestly say Brian McFadden was the best she had, is to spend a small fortune on a set of fresh body parts. Despite continually protesting she’s brassic, she’s to splurge £15,000 on the full-body-service including breast reduction and liposuction.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window) >>

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Kerry Katona: Officially Poorer Than You!

by Matthew Laidlow

Big questions have been asked by us humans – over thousands of years, we’ve all wondered “where do we come from?” “what is the meaning of life?” and “where is the bloody remote control?” Another mind bending puzzle is the one set by Iceland – not the country, but the supermarket. They ask us “why [...]

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Kerry Katona Definitely Not A Prostitute, OK?

by Stuart Heritage

Kerry Katona might whore herself out for reality TV shows and adverts for frozen prawn rings, but never for sex with men – and now that’s super-official!

Yesterday Kerry Katona won five-figure damages from The Sunday Mirror after it claimed that her mother was about to write a book claiming that Kerry was a massive prostitute before she became famous. Which obviously isn’t true for a number of reasons.

Firstly, anyone who’d consider buying a book by Kerry Katona’s mum about how Kerry Katona was a hooker is obviously stupid to the point of illiteracy, which tends not to be a good demographic to market books to. Secondly, and most importantly, Kerry Katona can’t have been a prostitute because most men would rather attack their own genitals with a claw-hammer than pay Kerry Katona cash to touch them with her hands or mouth.

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Kerry Katona To Open Caravan Theme Park. Pikeys Not Included.

by Matthew Laidlow

Are you a parent and wondering what do to entertain your children this summer?

You could be like everyone else and do the same activities. Trips out to the overpriced cinema, fattening up your children at McDonald’s or even a day trip to the countryside to step in fox shit and get stung by stinging nettles.

One of the more popular things to do is visit a theme park. Alton Towers, Lightwater Valley and Thorpe Park are just some of the many attractions offering white knuckle rides to thrill seekers. Only problem is that these places are always full, and two hours queuing for a four-minute ride doesn’t really seem worth it. But fear not mummy or daddy, this year your youngsters will be pestering you to go to newest theme park that set to open: Katona Land.

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Kerry Katona’s Mother: Officially Just As Hideous As Daughter

by C J Davies

Hecklerspray only recently learned that Kerry Katona was actually born – we simply thought she’d congealed, popping up Master-And-Margarita style on the outskirts of some grim Northern town, swathed in chip fat and possessing the piercing dead eyes of a truly soulless abomination.

Nah. Turns out that she has a mum.

Warning: if you’ve just eaten, you may want to avoid reading this report for a short while. On the other hand, if you’re bulimic – and need a horrific mental image to really spur on that gag reflex – please allow us to be of service. Ready? O-kay.

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Calum Best Given TV Show To Stop Him Fondling Himself

by Matthew Laidlow

Remember when MTV used to be remotely hip, cutting edge and worth watching? The very same days when it used to play the occasional music video as well. Times have now changed and seemingly anyone that’s been in the papers is getting their own show on the once-credible network. In the past, viewers have had [...]

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Kerry Katona Fights For Her Children Sort of, Is An Idiot Definitely

by hecklerspray staff

Yes people, the legal battle of the century is indeed underway. In the red corner sits wheezing fat Essex toss-fuck Kerry Katona and in the blue corner ex-Westlife ex-fatman ex-husband of aforementioned fat Essex toss-fuck, Brian thingy.

Look, listen, Bri wants his fucking kids back, OK? And he’s prepared to go to any lengths necessary to get them, even if it means stating the fucking obvious to the British press. From the Daily Mail :

“Kerry is a disgusting human being. She manipulates people and plays the sympathy card for every stupid mistake she makes. Me and my family have been put through hell by her stupid games. She uses my two girls as a weapon in her childish games. She is an embarrassment to me, my family and my children.”

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Kerry Katona Shits Out Another One

by hecklerspray staff

Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot, fucking idiot Kerry Katona has managed to squeeze out another baby shaped shit after two days in labour.

Two days in labour? That must have hurt like fuck. Good.

Max Clifford, Katona’s publicist and therefore an evil, evil sub-human bastard, had these words to say of the joyous occasion:

Kerry is fine, she had a natural labour after being induced at lunchtime today. Max is great, he’s a little small, but Kerry’s baby Heidi was only 4lbs, 9oz when she was born premature.

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Reasons To Be Blind #36 – Kerry Katona To Take Up Glamour Modelling

by Matthew Laidlow

When you reach a vegetable-like state at the rope old age of 86, you’ll be wanting to look back at life happily.

You won’t want to be reminded of any embarrassing incidents, like when your mum caught you wanking over Judge Judy or when you found pictures of your mum in porno mags. Those things can be avoided, but we may be unable to stop this latest timebomb from going off. Everyone sadly knows about Kerry Katona. She promotes Iceland and was famous a long time ago. Kerry Katona also won’t piss off away from our screens. She now plans to torment us further by getting her presumably frozen tits out for us to go blind over.

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Kerry Katona: Cheap Publicity Stunt No. 6,326,657

by C J Davies

Hecklerspray has often wondered: when Greek divine being Lauis fathered Oedipus, did he look into the eyes of his child and realise what tragic moral carnage the youngster would one day imprint upon ensuing centuries of mythology and popular culture?

Oh, alright, then. You got us. We don’t wonder about that at all. What we do often question, though, is a dilemma along similar lines: when the father of ex-Atomic Kitten ‘singer’ Kerry Katona heard that he had sired a daughter, did he in any way suspect that she would grow up to be a despicable, Lambrini-for-brains halfwit who would gladly drink a pint of diarrhoea if it guaranteed her ten minutes of televisual exposure?

We may well find out soon. Bus driver John Dowd has announced to the world that he believes himself to be Kerry’s daddy. Apparently – much like a self-imposed Nuremberg trial – he’s all too willing to come forward and take responsibility for the results. The horrible, horrible results.

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