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Kerry Katona

Kerry Katona Porn Is A Tragic Possibility

by Matthew Laidlow

There are millions of disgusting things that make us want to vomit into our bowler hats. For example, scraping dog poo off a shoe after accidentally stepping in a big steaming pile usually makes lunch’s burrito want to reappear. Other unpleasant spectacles that we’d rather forget involve watching Kerry Katona giving birth on MTV, Kerry [...]

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The Spray Q&A: Frankie Boyle

by hecklerspray staff

We caught up with Frankie Boyle – the Scottish one from Mock The Week who recently had a joke about the Queen’s genitals read out on Newsnight – for an impromptu question and answer session…

How did it feel winning the best director Oscar for Slumdog Millionaire?

I’ve met Danny Boyle actually. He has a glowing niceness that extremely successful people have. It’d be nice to get there…

At what temperature does Frankie boil?

I’m pale and Scottish so I’d say around 20 degrees.

Do you believe that chivalry is dead?

Not with me. Particularly with women. I am always rescuing women in distress and Serbian sex traders. The sex is good.

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Four Horrendous Popstar Decision Makers

by hecklerspray staff

It must be excellent being part of a successful young pop group.

You get to travel the world, stopping occasionally to jump around on stage, then, in the evening, you can wile away the hours brainlessly passing groupies around, necking gin. You don’t have to think for yourself, which makes certain popstar decisions near impossible to understand.

Below are four maniacs who decided to brave the world on their own, only to realise that they’d probably just made a massive mistake…

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Kerry Katona Wants To Howl Again

by Stuart Heritage

She’s been filmed giving birth and having her boobs hacked open, but now Kerry Katona is planning something even more horrifying.

We’ve saved this post until late in the day because we’re genuinely worried that, if you read it in the morning, it’d be too much to bear and you’d end up fatally attacking yourself in the face with the nearest piece of office equipment. So, now that we can only ruin a small part of the rest of your day, here goes.

Kerry Katona wants to relaunch her singing career. We know, it makes us want to cry too.

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WEBTHUMP! Thursday 13 November 2008

by Stuart Heritage

9 – More from Lil’ O’Reilly – Comedy

8 – The new 24 prequel movie is on TV! Really soon! Gree! – Popsugar

7 – Hands down the best video of a power-crazed baby you are ever likely to see – Best Week Ever

6 – How did iPods and Blackberries get their names? Oh that’s right, pretend you care – CIO

5 – Comedian and constant runner-up to hecklerspray Richard Herring discusses 1990s time-travel sitcom Goodnight Sweetheart in more detail than you thought possible – Warmingup

4 – If life was like a 1980s kid’s movie – Kontraband

3 – The real question, of course, is how soon will Kerry Katona sell her nipples on eBay after they’ve fallen off – Holy Moly

2 – Want to dress like a big peanut? OK! – Instructables

1 – Bear hockey. Can someone tell us if this is real or fake, please? Our mind has been broken – I Am Bored

9 - More from Lil' O'Reilly - Comedy 8 - The new 24 prequel movie is on TV! Really soon! Gree! - Popsugar 7 - Hands down the best video of a power-crazed baby you are ever likely to see - Best Week Ever 6 - How did iPods and Blackberries get their names? Oh that's right, pretend you care - CIO 5 - Comedian and constant runner-up to hecklerspray Richard Herring discusses 1990s time-travel sitcom Goodnight Sweetheart in more detail than you thought possible - Warmingup 4 - If life was like a 1980s kid's movie - Kontraband 3 - The real question, of course, is how soon will Kerry Katona sell her nipples on eBay after they've fallen off - Holy Moly 2 - Want to dress like a big peanut? OK! - Instructables 1 - Bear hockey. Can someone tell us if this is real or fake, please? Our mind has been broken - I Am Bored
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Kerry Katona Admits That She’s A Total Pisshead

by Matthew Laidlow

At one point, we believed that scientists only experimented on animals.

For whatever reason, a gang of mice would be rounded up in a lab 20 miles under the surface of the earth and then injected with all sorts of things. Sometimes they grew tusks like elephants or, in stranger cases, developed an unhealthy appetite for Mars bars and bottles of Blue Nun.

Slowly though, we’re coming to the conclusion that humans are also being used for experimentation. Don’t believe us? Then look at everybody’s low-budget supermarket endorser Kerry Katona for proof. If she is an example of a normal woman then we really should be stocking up on frozen prawn rings and hiding in a nuclear bunker. But fear not. It turns out that some of Kerry’s mental behaviour can all be explained by all the alcohol she shoves down her gob.

At one point, we believed that scientists only experimented on animals. For whatever reason, a gang of mice would be rounded up in a lab 20 miles under the surface of the earth and then injected with all sorts of things. Sometimes they grew tusks like elephants or, in stranger cases, developed an unhealthy appetite for Mars bars and bottles of Blue Nun. Slowly though, we're coming to the conclusion that humans are also being used for experimentation. Don’t believe us? Then look at everybody’s low-budget supermarket endorser Kerry Katona for proof. If she is an example of a normal woman then we really should be stocking up on frozen prawn rings and hiding in a nuclear bunker. But fear not. It turns out that some of Kerry’s mental behaviour can all be explained by all the alcohol she shoves down her gob.
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Kerry Katona Slags Off Angelina Jolie, Renders Satire Obsolete

by Stuart Heritage

Kerry Katona’s shambolic, slurring appearance on This Morning yesterday was car-crash TV at its finest – a moment we thought couldn’t be topped.

But there’s a chance we were wrong. Because on the exact same day that World’s Worst Mum 2007 Kerry Katona decided to go on a daytime TV show and babble a string of passive-aggressive drunk-seeming non-words at a startled fat lady and a pixie, a magazine published an interview where Kerry Katona criticises the parenting skills of Angelina Jolie.

What made Kerry Katona angry was the fact that Angelina Jolie recently bought her six-year-old son a knife. Obviously that’s something that Kerry Katona would never do. True, that’s because Kerry Katona is so busy being followed around by MTV camera crews, looking hammered and wailing “AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH!” at nobody in particular that she probably doesn’t know where her kids are, let alone a knife shop. But that counts.

Kerry Katona's shambolic, slurring appearance on This Morning yesterday was car-crash TV at its finest - a moment we thought couldn't be topped. But there's a chance we were wrong. Because on the exact same day that World's Worst Mum 2007 Kerry Katona decided to go on a daytime TV show and babble a string of passive-aggressive drunk-seeming non-words at a startled fat lady and a pixie, a magazine published an interview where Kerry Katona criticises the parenting skills of Angelina Jolie. What made Kerry Katona angry was the fact that Angelina Jolie recently bought her six-year-old son a knife. Obviously that's something that Kerry Katona would never do. True, that's because Kerry Katona is so busy being followed around by MTV camera crews, looking hammered and wailing "AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH!" at nobody in particular that she probably doesn't know where her kids are, let alone a knife shop. But that counts.
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VIDEO: Here’s Kerry Katona Losing Her Mind On Live TV. Eek.

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Britney Spears has grown her hair back and Amy Winehouse has stopped going outside, there just aren’t the harrowing meltdown victims that there used to be.

So thank heavens above that good old Kerry Katona is still around, plugging away with her smoking during pregnancy and her grotty-looking husband and her million kids and her desperate desire for approval and her unwillingness to ever learn anything from any of her mistakes.

This morning Kerry Katona decided to go onto ITV’s This Morning to babble incoherently at Fern Britton. To be fair, that’s probably not what Kerry Katona went on there to do, but since it’s what she ended up doing anyway, we’ll just go with that. Kerry Katona’s behaviour during her interview was so overwhelmingly baffling that it even made host Philip Schofield look concerned, and he used to get paid to sit in a cupboard with a puppet of a rodent for hours at a time, so he should be unshockable.

In fact, Kerry Katona’s endless shambling even raised the alarm bells for her publicist Max Clifford, who’s now telling all and sundry that he’s worried about her ‘health and happiness’. Given that he usually seems to be able to transform each of Kerry Katona’s numerous personal problems into lucrative TV and publishing opportunities, for Clifford to publicly make a point of fretting over her erratic behaviour lately seems to suggest that there’s something seriously wrong with the girl.

Or maybe we’re over-reacting. Maybe Kerry Katona’s berserk This Morning appearance was all just part of a clever new way to subtly reveal the new Iceland advertising slogan – ‘Iceland: Fggzzznuuhspluur Nurhurrr AHWOZZONOLLIDAY Fneur Yerbaztudsz’.

Now that Britney Spears has grown her hair back and Amy Winehouse has stopped going outside, there just aren't the harrowing meltdown victims that there used to be. So thank heavens above that good old Kerry Katona is still around, plugging away with her smoking during pregnancy and her grotty-looking husband and her million kids and her desperate desire for approval and her unwillingness to ever learn anything from any of her mistakes. This morning Kerry Katona decided to go onto ITV's This Morning to babble incoherently at Fern Britton. To be fair, that's probably not what Kerry Katona went on there to do, but since it's what she ended up doing anyway, we'll just go with that. Kerry Katona's behaviour during her interview was so overwhelmingly baffling that it even made host Philip Schofield look concerned, and he used to get paid to sit in a cupboard with a puppet of a rodent for hours at a time, so he should be unshockable. In fact, Kerry Katona's endless shambling even raised the alarm bells for her publicist Max Clifford, who's now telling all and sundry that he's worried about her 'health and happiness'. Given that he usually seems to be able to transform each of Kerry Katona's numerous personal problems into lucrative TV and publishing opportunities, for Clifford to publicly make a point of fretting over her erratic behaviour lately seems to suggest that there's something seriously wrong with the girl. Or maybe we're over-reacting. Maybe Kerry Katona's berserk This Morning appearance was all just part of a clever new way to subtly reveal the new Iceland advertising slogan - 'Iceland: Fggzzznuuhspluur Nurhurrr AHWOZZONOLLIDAY Fneur Yerbaztudsz'.
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Nooooo! Our Eyes! Kerry Katona Goes Topless!

by Matthew Laidlow

Take a portion of rice, cup full of chilli powder, nine cans of lager, a large packet of chips, cup of curry sauce from the local Chinese takeaway, a couple of mints and what do you get? Vomit-induced fun!

Mmm, all those undigested chunks floating around in a river of brown liquid either in the middle of the street, the next door neighbour’s neatly trimmed lawn or your mate’s bed.

Whilst the above combination is the result of typical student bids to be wacky and impressive, everyone can now experience the thrill of choking on their own sick. You see, everyone’s favourite reality TV star Kerry Katona has decided to show the world her boobs. Well, we’ve got to work one way or another. Even if it puts the health of the nation at risk.

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‘Skint’ Kerry Katona To Buy A New Body

by hecklerspray staff

From DIETPIXIE – Big, lumpy, common, brassy, once-was-pretty, now fronts Iceland, Kerry Katona has decided her body is so ravaged that she needs a new one.

The woman who can honestly say Brian McFadden was the best she had, is to spend a small fortune on a set of fresh body parts. Despite continually protesting she’s brassic, she’s to splurge £15,000 on the full-body-service including breast reduction and liposuction.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window) >>

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