Articles tagged with: Kerry Katona
"Kerry is fine.She had a natural labour after being induced at lunchtime today. Max is great, he’s a little small, but Kerry’s baby Heidi was only 4lbs, 9oz when she was born premature."
When you reach a vegetable-like state at the rope old age of 86, you’ll be wanting to look back at life happily.
You won’t want to be reminded of any embarrassing incidents, like when your mum caught you wanking over Judge Judy or when you found pictures of your mum in porno mags. Those things can be avoided, but we may be unable to stop this latest timebomb from going off. Everyone sadly knows about Kerry Katona. She promotes Iceland and was famous a long time ago. Kerry Katona also won’t piss off away from our screens. She now plans to torment us further by getting her presumably frozen tits out for us to go blind over.
Hecklerspray has often wondered: when Greek divine being Lauis fathered Oedipus, did he look into the eyes of his child and realise what tragic moral carnage the youngster would one day imprint upon ensuing centuries of mythology and popular culture?
Oh, alright, then. You got us. We don't wonder about that at all. What we do often question, though, is a dilemma along similar lines: when the father of ex-Atomic Kitten 'singer' Kerry Katona heard that he had sired a daughter, did he in any way suspect that she would grow up to be a despicable, Lambrini-for-brains halfwit who would gladly drink a pint of diarrhoea if it guaranteed her ten minutes of televisual exposure?
We may well find out soon. Bus driver John Dowd has announced to the world that he believes himself to be Kerry's daddy. Apparently - much like a self-imposed Nuremberg trial - he's all too willing to come forward and take responsibility for the results. The horrible, horrible results.
According to the ever-reliable News of the World, the walking arsehole known as Kerry Katona is still taking cocaine four months into her pregnancy. She has also allegedly been seen smoking up to 20 cigarettes at a time. But, guys, hold on a minute before you judge! It’s alright! Kerry’s not stupid. No way! Dr. Katona tells friends:
"It's OK - you can wean the baby off the coke afterwards. It's only booze that can cause serious damage."
Yeah! Fuck off science! Kerry knows best. Just point your saggy bucket vagina in the direction of The Priory and fire.
If Kerry Katona came up to you in the street and tried to sell you a box of prawns, chances are you'd run away just to escape the smell of stale nicotine and slightly off-kilter look in her eyes.
But despite this, freezer-heavy supermarket chain Iceland hasn't quite worked out that keeping troubled Kerry Katona on as the star of its TV ads is roughly the same as paying biblical priests to stand at the entrance of each of its stores screaming the word 'unclean' day and night.
Yesterday it was reported that Iceland had dropped Kerry Katona in light of her recently reported screwball behaviour. Turns out that was a lie.
Kerry Katona could almost be described as the most pointless so-called celebrity that the UK has had the misfortune of breathing life into.
So far in her career, Kerry Katona has been in rubbish girlband Atomic Kitten and left before the group got famous famous, got married to a Westlife pleb, had a few kids with him and then got divorced. And now, between seeing Kerry Katona gracing the pages of trashy women’s magazines with a new problem every week and starring in those awful Iceland adverts, Kerry Katona has never been more famous. Where will it all end? With Kerry Katona sprawled out nude on a trolley, graphically giving birth for a TV show? Not if Kerry Katona has anything to do with it.
