Kerry Katona - HecklerSpray

HecklerPlay: Musicians, Famous For The Wrong Reasons

August 4th, 2012 By Si Sharp

On this week in 2000, Yusuf Islam (previously known as Cat Stevens) joined the campaign to fight the government?s repeal of Section 28.?Section 28 was the ban on homosexuality being ?promoted? in schools. By ?promoted?, what it really meant was ?being told that it existed?.

Those that sought to keep Section 28 thought that it was an essential piece of legislation that was all that stood between the bottoms of our innocent schoolchildren and a queue of 2000 predatory gays with unquenchable erections, such is the uniquely paranoid perspective of the bigoted mind.

Luckily the Section 28 thing has been forgotten and despite his high-profile religious conversion he is still mainly famous for writing some pretty ditties. Other tunesmiths have not been so lucky though and have become better known for other, similarly embarrassing behaviour.*

Fat, Chavvy And Annoying Kerry Katona Is Now Just Chavvy And Annoying

January 10th, 2012 By Lady Robotnik

Celebrity dregs Kerry Katona has posed in her grundies to show-off the fact that she now weighs marginally less than a manatee.

The mother-of-four blames her previous weight gain on the see-food diet; she saw it, she swallowed it, claiming to have gorged on ?bread and cheese?.

‘Bread and cheese’, in this instance we hope, actually means she scarfed down insane amounts of pizza and Ginster?s pasties.

Kerry Katona V Brian McFadden: Round 6 Of The Most Tedious Celebrity Spat In History

December 20th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You know what’s great about parents? The fact that, as soon as they produce a child, they somehow become immediately wise. They have a deeper insight into the world around them. They appreciate the nuances of life and…

…who we tryintah kid here? Most parents are gulping twerps.

One such ball-brain is Kerry Katona who has decided to have a go at her ex-husband Brian McFadden (formerly of Westlife, creator of this date-rape abomination which we’ll never stop sharing). Granted, it’s not odd that exes would spar, but for the sake of her children and to show what a good role-model she is, Katona has decided to attack McFadz in the press so everyone can see how ugly their relationship is.

Kerry Katona’s Stalker Clearly Needs Professional Help

December 12th, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Chav icon and?astonishing?dimwit Kerry Katona,?has been bothering the police after receiving phone calls from a suspected stalker who has obviously reached a low point in their life, given that they could have shown interest in ANYONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET!

It seems an American woman,?believed?to be called Stella, has been ringing Katona ‘non-stop for weeks’ and recently contacted the reality star’s manager Max Clifford, claiming to have watched her getting changed at her Surrey mansion.

Yes. Really.

Astounding News ? Westlife Are Still Together! Wait… Who Are Westlife?

October 19th, 2011 By Paul Pencott

Boyband no-hopers Westlife announced their intention to split up yesterday, astonishing a nation that had long since forgotten that the third-rate Boyzone-wannabees even existed.

Ignoring the current music fad of reforming (we're looking at you, Steps. And, to a MUCH lesser extent, you, Stone Roses) the PoundLand Take That have decided they?ll buck the trend and actually call it a day. Tiring, no doubt, as they are of being mistaken for well-groomed squinty brick-layers with as much collective recognisability as the bloke who ?does the tampons? down our local.

And, we imagine, are finally admitting the fact that without gurning, pan-faced buffoon Brian McFadden they are as nothing. Not that they're bitter about that. Oh no.

Hecklerspray’s Stupid Celebrity Big Brother 2011 Liveblog

August 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Click over for our stupid Celebrity Big Brother Liveblog! Keep hitting refresh because we’re idiots who can’t work things out! HURRAY! Things kick-off around 9pm when the hard liquor kicks in!

Soap Spoilers! It’s All Fun And Games Until Someone Loses A Parrot.

August 5th, 2012 By Joanna Bolouri

We don’t know about you but it’s been quite a week here at hecklerspray since we last gave you something to live for.

Our editor Mof, finally found out that fellow writer and massive Steps fan Michael Park is really his son after a one night stand with someone he thought was Kerry Katona but wasn’t. ?Not even close. Kris Silver was named and shamed in his local paper when he called a 70 year old librarian “a complete bastard” when she asked him to pay 70p in fines for a Jackie Collins novel he hadn’t even had time to read and finally Sophie Hall was arrested for going unreservedly?ape-shit after she’d spent 2 hours alone on a train to Flamigoland only to find out she was too small to get on any of the rides. Even the toddler ones.

Our lives are much more exciting than these soaps. But you don’t care do you? You just want to know about FAKE people. Fine then.

Kerry Katona’s Mum Suggests New Ways To Further Her ‘Career’: Let Us Look At Her PR Form

July 11th, 2011 By hecklerspray staff

Kerry Katona’s mum has told our all-time favourite Sunday tabloid ‘The Star on Sunday’ that she is going to help get her daughter’s life back on track after Kerry was dropped from her management last month.

And how is good ol’ Sue Katona going to achieve this? By encouraging Kerry to text ‘saucy messages’ to her ex. Not the Mark Croft one, the one that we cared about even less. Go mum!

“Sue has very much taken the reigns now and is determined to stop her spiralling out of control like she has so often in the past” ‘A source’ told The Star on Sunday. Because in a week of such a degree of illegitimate journalism, we just want to be honest with you.

Atomic Kitten Singer Liz McClarnon Has No Cool Friends

April 15th, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Atomic Kitten. ?Remember them? They were good weren’t they? Oh, that’s right they were amazingly gash but they did release ‘Whole Again’, a song loved by chav women the world over and so heartbreakingly rubbish we once set fire to our own ears in disgust and swore we’d never listen to pop music EVER again.

Kerry Katona used to be in this terrible band until she ran off with potato faced Brian McFadden, shagged him so ferociously babies came out of her vagina and ended up pretending to shop in Iceland while not-so-secretly hoovering up big giant lines of white stuff on camera.

While she’s been on the telly for the past 80 years, blubbering about what a raging mess she is, the others have been quietly growing older and one of them even had a birthday party to celebrate another year of not quite being as famous as that mentalist Katona.

Kerry Katona Just Wants To Be Loved

January 25th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Nobody likes being the loner at a party who awkwardly shuffle around groups of people before realising that, after two hours, the hat-stand is more popular than them. Trust us, we've been there and tried everything from buying everybody drinks and bribing with deliciously greasy takeaways as a means of becoming popular.

Sadly, we're still friendless and live in a bedsit above a brothel.

Sadly, Kerry Katona is the loner equivalent in the ?celebrity? world where she waddles around from pillar to post, desperately seeking out fame, friends and magazine exposure.