Contrary to yesterday’s reports, it’s been announced that Jamie Lynn Spears definitely isn’t pregnant. And that comes from one of the most trusted sources around. No, not a doctor or a family member or Jamie Lynn Spears herself – we’re talking big league here.

How big league? Unnamed person who lives in the same town as Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother and would expect to have probably been told about it already if it was true big league. So, in summary, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because her mother hasn’t been skipping down the street haphazardly blabbing her family’s dark secret to random strangers. We hope that clears things up.

Even though the economy is in freefall and we’re plummeting towards global recession and there’s every chance we’ll all finish this week huddled round a brazier cooking rats on sticks in ill-fitting secondhand clothes, the really terrifying news didn’t come from the financial world at all.

No, the really terrifying news was that Jamie Lynn Spears was eight weeks pregnant even though she only gave birth to her last baby three and a bit months ago. Actually, the really terrifying news was that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again because she spuriously believed that your fanny stops working when you breastfeed, but we’ll leave that one particular nugget alone for the time being.

However, even though the report originally claiming that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again was full of believable touches – like the way that Jamie Lynn Spears couldn’t stop crying when she found out, or that her mother Lynne Spears was ‘hysterical’ at the news, it turns out that it was all wrong.

In actuality, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant at all. We know this because an anonymous stranger who could live in a tree for all that anyone knows said so. E! Online reports:

A source who lives in Jamie Lynn’s native Kentwood, La., tells E! News: “I talk to [her mom] Lynne all the time. Believe me, she would have mentioned if that little girl is expecting again. That’s just a bunch of made-up crap.”

Actually, as theories go, that’s probably fairly untouchable – Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because one arbitrary nobody who just happens to live quite near Lynne Spears hasn’t heard about it. It’s not that Lynne Spears was trying to keep the secret under wraps because she’s ashamed or anything. Don’t be silly.

Genius. In fact, we’re so impressed by this theory that we’re going to base our entire belief system around this wise Kentwood sage – if they don’t know about it, we’re going to say with 100% certainty that it doesn’t even exist. The Higgs boson particle? A bunch of made-up crap. The planet Neptune? A bunch of made-up crap. Toothpaste? A bunch of made-up crap.

But let’s just say this source is right, and Jamie Lynn Spears really isn’t pregnant again. You know what this means? You really can’t get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding! Get to it, new teenage mothers!