Ouch.
It was a bad performance overall, made somewhat worse by that moment, and – for us – the pain was doubled by the fact that we watched the match in the presence of Americans, Italians, Germans and – worst of all – Scottishes.
This meant that it felt exactly like watching a re-run of Bambi with your parents when, just after the little critter begins to walk (our goal), the film is suddenly, inexplicably, replaced by Hardcore Passions Volume Two: Hairy Potter And The Prisoner Of Ass-caban (their ‘goal’).
Ah well, it’s Monday, and that means it’s time for shirking work by discussing whether David James should be the next man to flop uselessly around in goal, and by sweating underneath a feebly-spinning fan while wearing a nylon replica of John Terry‘s shirt. It’s also time for…
YOUR MANGO!
Can we get a ‘whoot’?
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Hearty congratulations to Taylor Swift! Not because she won four trophies at last night’s CMAs, though.
Or because she’s the youngest-ever CMA Entertainer Of The Year. No, congratulations should go to Taylor Swift because she managed to get through all of her acceptance speeches without being interrupted by a hieroglyphic-haired berk with a weird compulsion to unfavourably compare her to Beyonce – the first time this has ever happened.
But then how could Kanye West possibly unfavourably compare anyone at a country music awards show? “Imma let you finish, but Darius Rucker is one of the most derivative, tedious and inbred-looking singers of all time. OF ALL TIME!”? Hardly.
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Every year the ACM awards – like the Grammys but more buck-toothed and NASCAR-fixated – end up the same way.
Kenny Chesney wins. Every year – no matter how obviously unentertaining he’s been – Kenny Chesney wins the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award, even though he basically has a hat instead of an actual personality.
But this year the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award went to Carrie Underwood, who is female. Carrie Underwood’s win shocked the country music community, with some members worried that if women can win gender-unspecific ACM awards then next they’ll be allowed to vote or drive or something.
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You know what we like in an entertainer? The wild hope that wearing a big hat will cover for an overwhelming lack of charisma.
And we’re not the only ones, because Kenny Chesney – a man with a big hat and hardly any charisma – has just won the CMA Entertainer Of The Year award for the fourth time in five years, making him officially the most entertaining country singer ever born. Except for Garth Brooks. He’s equally entertaining.
This must count as one of Kenny Chesney’s proudest moments. Now he can look back on all the other country singers of the past and know he’s more entertaining than them. He’s more entertaining than Billy Shooter, Old Jeb Clovercleb, Whistlin’ Jimmy McFormaldahide, Redeyes O’Murderer and even, in a controversial twist, Barefoot Bobby And The Pregnant Mistakes. Congratulations, Kenny Chesney. You earnt this.
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One thing that can be counted on is that whenever we rag on Kenny Chesney, his fans always loudly defend him.
So, you know, it’s just a shame that Kenny Chesney more or less thinks that all his fans are dicks.
That’s what he’s implied, anyway – yesterday Kenny Chesney won the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award for the fourth straight year running but, because the winner was chosen by fans rather than a faceless group of industry insiders, he’s got all stroppy for it and claimed that it doesn’t count as much any more. Oh Kenny, when will you learn that it’s never smart to criticise your fans, especially when they all own shotguns and are the biological result of institutionalised pan-generational incest.
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The best thing about the end of movie awards season isn't that we have to listen to actors bleat about how important they are – although that helps – but that cowboys awards season can get going.
And cowboy awards season has started in earnest now that the nominations for this year's Academy of Country Music awards have been announced.
It looks like it'll be a good year for Kenny Chesney, who's scored double the ACM nominations than any of his competitors. That's probably life-changing news if you follow things like this, so now you can go back to whistling through your teeth and standing on your porch shooting trespassers with your shotgun in peace again.
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Ouch.
