Kendra Wilkinson is sharing too many details about her sex life with Hugh Hefner, in a new book that scores the most sexually suggestive title since One Night in Paris.

Kendra is releasing a tell-all book, that is set to turn stomachs everywhere – Sliding into Home.

Yes, it’s called Sliding into Home. We’re not making that up for the sake of making her look like even more of a guttersnipe. She really came up with that gem on her own, as some form of misguided baseball metaphor (with reference to her sportsman husband). We see what you did there, young lady.

Given her propensity to discuss her troubled, drug-addled, stripper, Playmate, sex tape-filled past, it’s easy to forget just how young Kendra Wilkinson is. The reality star, who’s currently pimping her show and this book, is now a wife and mother-of-one too and she’s only 25 years old.

25 years is around the amount of time it takes to fail university and give the whole thing another go while soaked in beer. It’s also the amount of time it takes to have a stab at one or two equally unfulfilling careers. How on earth she went from druggie to stripper to glorified sex worker jumping on and off an octogenarian’s penis for a career as a nude model aged only 18, is any one’s guess. Oh, yeah. The drug thing. That’ll have done it.

From People and Star magazine print editions via Cele|Bitchy.

On drugs, cutting herself, overdosing and ending up in a mental institution: The coke, weed, acid, crystal meth, alcohol and whatever pills I could get my hands on kept my mind in a haze. My mom was very worried. I felt terrible putting her through so much, but that didn’t stop me…

Moreover…

On becoming a stripper after she quit doing drugs: I was feeling sexy because of the attention I was getting [for modeling at car shows]. I was eighteen. I thought, “I should be a stripper.”

Indeed.

What’s that? You’re wanting to know what in the heck we’re talking about with the penis jumping thing. Well, no one was exactly jumping – the word Kendra uses in describing her first sex session with Hugh Hefner is ‘hopping’. She and the other girls whose parents had failed them lined up as though they were waiting for a bus, then each slept with the Playboy owner for a few minutes before hopping back off again.

On having sex with Hugh Hefner for the first time: One of the girls asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to Hef’s room. In my head I could hear my mom’s voice: ‘You know they have orgies there.’ I said “Okay, if I have to.” It seemed like every other girl was going, and if I didn’t it would be weird. One by one, each girl hopped on Hef and had sex with him… for about a minute. I studied their every move. Then it was my turn… it was very weird. I wasn’t thinking about how much older Hef was – all the body parts worked the same. I wanted to be there.

Wait, it gets better. As though the daddy issues weren’t self-evident enough, Kendra then decides she wants to be her master’s barely-legal concubine. Aim high, Kendra. Aim high.

On deciding to be Hef’s girlfriend: The next morning Hef came into my room to see how I was doing. Hef never went into the guesthouse. “Hello, my darlin’” he said. I felt special, loved and pretty. Isn’t that all a girl really wants out of a boyfriend?…  There was a world outside San Diego that I needed to explore – and I felt like Hef was the guy who would help me do that. Moving into the mansion when I was 18 felt like a spiritual event.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, not that it matters much since this article has probably rendered you blind

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The majority of people have done things they’ve later come to regret.

Students in particular may think it’s a hilarious idea to jump off cliffs and into clear lakes below – only realising the next day in a hospital bed that they misjudged their leap of faith. Other folks regret things they’ve done by accident, like the lactose intolerant.

But occasionally, grown up people make not-so grown up decisions. Like Kendra Wilkinson. She’s a household name to men everywhere who have gazed, drooled and masturbated over her in Playboy magazine. But that’s all behind her now and you’d think a life spend sewing and knitting would be on the cards. Sadly not, as Kendra was the accidental star in her very own skin flick. But at least it’s brought her family closer together.

Kendra Exposed is the result of what happens when you a) are vaguely famous, b) have cameras filming your bedroom antics and c) become a bit too trustworthy of those around you. For someone who dabbled heavily in the adult world, it doesn’t surprise anyone that a few recordings of Kendra’s filthy antics have surfaced on the internet.

To our knowledge, nobody has filmed us having sexy times with ourselves or someone who wasn’t utterly repulsed by our appearance. Maybe it’s just us, but we’d know if a camera was dangling in front of us, or precariously balanced on the TV capturing our groans that are partly due to unfitness. Oh, there’s also the flashing red light – usually a giveaway that something’s being recorded. Maybe Kendra didn’t see that. She is blond after all.

Not for one second do we assume that during her relationship with Hugh Hefner, Kendra was waiting for him to keel over and die. Perhaps she didn’t earn much money during her time there and wanted to move on – sources have reported that the tape is earning her a reported $680,000. But does Kendra Wilkinson see this as a life-changing catastrophe? No, she’s embracing it, for the sake of her kids. Digital Spy reports:

“The tape has definitely brought Hank and I closer together, made us more of a team, like, ‘Let’s put our vest on, let’s get out there, let’s fight!”

God knows if the vest says ‘You can see my fanny on the internet’ or ‘I’m a total slag’, but if it brings the two closer together, then who are we to demean true love and romance? Perhaps the funds raised from the bongo flick will pay for a brand new house and stupid widescreen TV.

Who knows, maybe one of her kids will one day stream her film by mistake and break down in a wall of tears. That of course could result in its own spin-off show called My Mum Is A Slapper where other children who have former porn stars for parents can be filmed shunning their mothers and fathers. Marvel when they find out what their mum really meant when she said she was getting serviced at the garage.

Failing that, it’ll be a pretty hardcore sex education lesson.

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Kendra Wilkinson is full of surprises. Not as full as she is of B.S. – but she’s full of something alright. Kendra is the star of several sex tapes.

Tapes, which according to reports, she tried to sell herself through a production company in 2008.

Oh – did she miss that bit out in her sob story of a cease and desist letter, sent by her lawyer to Vivid Entertainment, when she tried to stop the tapes coming out?

She did. Yes.

Kendra loves sex tapes. We think. If we were to hazard a guess, we would say she loves them so bloomin’ much she wouldn’t be able to stop after filming just one. Moreover, she enjoys these unwholesome activities so much she invites friends to join the fun.

Were they friends? Okay, we don’t really know. But we do know there are reports of multiple naked people in the videos. Multiple people getting in on the fun. That Kendra, she’s such a giver.

We weren’t in the room at the time, nor is there any proof that this conversation (or one like it) ever took place. However, we would guess the conversation between Kendra and her lawyer went something like this.

KENDRA: There’s all these sex tapes of me floating around and some one’s threatening to release them!

LAWYER: So.

KENDRA: So… it’s just the most embarrassing thing ever. I’m a mother now. Respectable. Mothers don’t make sex tapes.

LAWYER. You’re kidding, right?

KENDRA: No, I want this pulled. Send them a C&D and yank it off the Internet.

LAWYER: Sure, I can do that. Can’t make any promises. Kendra, it’s just me and you in here. There’s something I have to know…

KENDRA: Okay.

LAWYER: You were basically concubine to a pensioner, no one thinks you’re mother Teresa. Why do you care about these sex tapes?

KENDRA: (Sigh…) Okay. It never leaves this room… but, I’m mad as heck those fuckers beat me to it!

From Radar Online:

Kendra is threatening to sue over the release of a sex tape she made when she was 18. Vivid obtained the tape and the porn company says it will soon distribute it. And while Kendra has objected, RadarOnline.com broke the news that the E! star secretly made moves to sell the tape in 2008! Documents obtained exclusively by RadarOnline.com show that Kendra engaged a top Los Angeles law firm in late 2008 to represent her in selling the tape. She even formed a company called Home Run Productions, LLC to sell the tape. New documents uncovered by RadarOnline.com show that not only were there multiple sex tapes, as we exclusively reported, but also multiple partners!

To add to the hilarity we are now treated with more detail than we would ever want to know about the multiple sex partners in the video.

She tried to shill the gang bangs herself, and she was already with her (now) husband.

While attempting to sell the tapes in 2008 Kendra was already with Philadelphia Eagles’ wide receiver Hank Baskett, who is now her husband. She needed the approval of Playboy’s Hugh Heffner to go through with the deal, as she was starring in her final season of The Girls Next Door.  And while the deal never went through, the documents governing the deal show that the tapes “featured” her in intimate relations with others.

This was a guest post by the seraph-like Amy Grindhouse

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You know Kendra Wilkinson, the topless model who used to have sex with an octogenarian to further her career?

Guess what? She’s got a sex tape. We know, we’re just as shocked as you are. Which is to say that we’re not really all that shocked, what with Kendra Wilkinson being a woman who literally shows people her tits for a living and everything.

Anyway, this Kendra Wilkinson sex tape was apparently recorded a couple of years before she became famous, and she’s now said to be embarrassed by the prospect of it becoming public. And that means that Kendra Wilkinson is embarking on a frantic two-part race – first she gets the sex tape blocked before its release, and then she tries to somehow hypnotise the world into thinking that the phrase ‘Kendra Wilkinson naked’ has never returned any meaningful results when entered as a Google image search.

This is no good, this is no good at all. Kendra Wilkinson has her reputation to think about here. How will anybody take her seriously – her, a fluorescent orange titty model with worryingly flammable-looking hair who used to have regular sex with frail old Hugh Hefner purely because she knew that she’d get a reality TV show out of it – if they knew that she once starred in a sex tape? She’d never be able to do whatever it is she does for a living these days again.

Sadly, though, the Kendra Wilkinson sex tape definitely exists and – although there are rumours suggesting that she was actually responsible for the initial attempts to sell it – Kendra is doing her best to stop the tape from ever seeing the light of day.

Which seems crazy. Anybody with the internet and the ability to spell her name can see Kendra Wilkinson’s naked body in seconds – a picture of her in a pornographically-modified American football kit, a picture of her pulling her top down in a nightclub, a photo of her licking champagne from another woman’s naked body – so this sex tape must be really graphic to warrant such panic. What’s in it? Kendra Wilkinson and two men? Kendra Wilkinson and five men? Kendra Wilkinson, five men and a horse? OK magazine, you need to tell us exactly how disgusting this Kendra Wilkinson sex tape actually is:

“When I saw it, I was shocked. I mean, I just was shocked to see a Kendra Wilkinson sex tape, but it was obvious and clear to me that it was in fact her,” the source tells OK! exclusively. As for what happens during the course of the video, the insider explains that part of “the tape is an amazing striptease from her, and then at the end of the tape she blows a kiss to the camera.”

What? That’s it? The Kendra Wilkinson sex tape – the sex tape of a woman who takes her clothes off as a profession – is just a tape of her taking her clothes off? There’s not even actually any sex in it? That’s hardly very bloody exciting, is it? What a waste of everyone’s time. We wish we hadn’t spent so long looking up naked Kendra Wilkinson pictures on the internet now. We probably have the hardest job in the entire bloody world. Cuh.

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Thank you Kendra Wilkinson. You’ve brightened up our day immensely by a) not dying and b) getting married.

We’re in your debt. Kendra Wilkinson got married to Hank Baskett on Saturday, proving that while Michael Jackson‘s death was sad, it couldn’t never stop something as profound as love.

And, no, we don’t really know who Kendra Wilkinson or Hank Baskett are either. But that’s not important. Look, it was either this or another story about Michael Jackson. Do you want us to keep banging on about Michael Jackson? Do you? Because we can. You don’t? Good. Now shut up.

Kendra Wilkinson has had a hard life. Accidentally named after what we can only imagine is a 1950s kitchen appliance as a baby, Kendra has stumbled from one bad decision to another throughout her entire existence.

And perhaps the biggest bad decision of these involved agreeing to be one of Hugh Hefner‘s girlfriends. True, because of this Kendra Wilkinson got fame, wealth and the chance to live in faded, slightly grubby luxury – but there’s also a strong chance that she had to physically touch Hugh Hefner’s genitals more than once, and being made to cup what appears to be two mouldy walnuts and an exhausted-looking length of uncooked sausagemeat in a loose parcel of chicken wattle with your bare hands is probably something that stays with a girl.

But as of Saturday Kendra Wilkinson was able to put all of those bad decisions behind her and start again completely from scratch by getting married to her boyfriend Hank Baskett. The wedding was a clean break from the past. There was no mention of Playboy or Hugh Hefner – it was just Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett, and that’s all that either of them needed.

Except that, you know, most of the guests were Kendra’s old Playboy model chums. And Hugh Hefner was there. And the entire poxy bloody wedding took place at the Playboy mansion. Still, at least that was it – having a wedding at an ex-boyfriend’s house is sort of fine, we guess, so long as nothing too creepy took place. People reports:

Before some 300 guests, including ex-boyfriend Hugh Hefner, the bride and groom Hank Baskett recited traditional vows. Wilkinson wore a white dress with a “tight bodice and poofy skirt”… Like the wedding, the reception was very traditional. While Wilkinson and Baskett danced the first dance to George Strait’s “I Cross My Heart,” the bride saved the second dance for Hefner.

Oh COME ON. Your SECOND DANCE was with Hugh Hefner? WHY? Why would you even DO that, Kendra Wilkinson? What happened after that? Where was the honeymoon? The inside of Hugh Hefner’s mouth? Up Hugh Hefner’s bum? Because that’s where it seems like it should be. Honestly Kendra Wilkinson, we give up. We actually give up.

Although, you know what? If getting married in her ex-boyfriend’s house and then having her second-ever dance as a married woman with the same ex-boyfriend makes Kendra Wilkinson happy, we’re not going to judge her. After all, it worked when Ivana Trump got married in Donald Trump’s garden, didn’t it?

What? It didn’t work? The marriage barely lasted seven months? Oh. Well that sort of negates our point a little bit, then. Whoops.

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OK, sorry. That was a misleading headline. Kendra Wilkinson probably isn’t the Virgin Mary, on account of the fact that she looks like a bit of a slapper.

However, we can state with some degree of authority that Kendra Wilkinson is definitely going to give birth to the second coming of Jesus, on account of the fact that she’s pregnant and her new baby is going to be born on Christmas day.

And also because Kendra Wilkinson’s ex-boyfriend is Hugh Hefner who, while not God, is technically just about as old as God. It all adds up, really, doesn’t it?

Kendra Wilkinson is living proof that having blonde hair and ridiculously outsized boobs doesn’t automatically make you famous. This is because a) the day you start referring to crushingly generic Playboy booby models like Kendra Wilkinson as famous is the day you stop being taken seriously as a human being, and b) even if Kendra Wilkinson was famous – which we’d like to again reiterate that she’s not – then it’d be a title she’s fought hard to win.

After all, Kendra Wilkinson wasn’t just a Playboy model – for a while there she was also one of Hugh Hefner’s flock of uncomfortably similar-looking girlfriends, a thankless task which we imagine involves little more than changing his bedpan three times a day in a sexy wipe-clean bra. And you have to admit, if that was your job you’d want a little recognition for it as well.

Anyway, Kendra Wilkinson and Hugh Hefner are no more. At the tail end of last year Kendra broke Hugh’s heart – something that’s only achieved through deep emotional loss or, in Hugh’s case, his elderly body’s inability to break down saturated fats – but that’s not to say that the story doesn’t have a happy ending. Hugh Hefner has already moved on romantically to what can only be described two orange foetuses in Pamela Anderson wigs, while Kendra has only gone and got herself knocked up already.

That’s not a shock in itself – Kendra Wilkinson is engaged to professional sportsman Hank Baskett and will marry him at the end of the month – but what is surprising is that she’s due to have her baby on Christmas day. So how did Kendra Wilkinson react to the news that her pregnancy was set to end on one of the most spiritually important days of the religious calendar? With admirable sensitivity and restraint, that’s how. Kendra told E! Online:

“I’ve thrown up in almost every limo that has taken me out in the last week. God, they hate me right now.”

It brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it? In fact, it does actually make us wish that Kendra Wilkinson was carrying the second coming of Christ, just because it’d make such an adorable Nativity scene. Imagine – Kendra Wilkinson puking her guts up in a limo with a baby hanging out of her knickers, with the three wise men replaced by topless triplets rubbing their boobs together and Hugh Hefner trying to cop a feel under the Archangel Gabriel‘s skirt because he can’t tell if it’s supposed to be a man or a woman.

Yes, that’s definitely something we’d like to see schoolchildren try and re-enact for their horrified parents each year onstage. Make it so, Kendra.

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Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends are fleeing at an amazing rate – it’s almost as if withered octogenarians aren’t sexy any more, isn’t it.

First Hugh Hefner’s heart was broken by the loss of his number one girlfriend Holly Madison, who made the somewhat perplexing decision to run off with a rubbish emo magician. And now one of his other girlfriends – the equally generic titty model Kendra Wilkinson – has decided to leave Hugh Hefner and get engaged to an American football player as well.

Although Hugh Hefner seems to remain on good terms with Kendra Wilkinson, this news must have nevertheless bruised him quite badly. After all, it’s hardly as if Hugh Hefner lives in a great big house stuffed full of identical booby halfwits all willing to have gruesome, underwhelming sex with a frail 82-year-man just because they’ll probably get a minor role on a crappy reality TV show out of it, is it? Oh.

Hugh Hefner has never wanted for female company. He’s dedicated his entire life to living out a sexually progressive agenda that’s allowed him to have instant quibble-free sex on demand with any number of women who all look so freakishly similar that there’s a strong chance they’ve all been glooped out of a pulsating Alien-style egg tube.

But lately it looks as though the only female company that Hugh Hefner gets is from the women who occasionally visit to wipe his bottom or make sure that he hasn’t been lying at the foot of his stairs meekly calling for help for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

It was only a few weeks ago that Hugh Hefner’s number one girlfriend Holly Madison dumped him, started hanging around with the world’s most easily-ridiculed magician and took to bleating on about how high maintenance Hugh was. And now Hugh Hefner has been dealt another cruel hand.

It turns out that Hugh Hefner’s number three girlfriend, Kendra Wilkinson, has left him too. According to reports, Kendra Wilkinson has decided that, rather than stick around to act out each and every sexual whim of a sleazy old man, she’s going to get married to Philadelphia Eagles receiver Hank Baskett. People reports:

“[She] has met someone who she would like to spend the rest of her life with,” Hefner said in a statement on Thursday. The Playboy mogul says Baskett proposed to Wilkinson on Saturday. I have given her my blessing and will be giving her away at a very special wedding ceremony at the Playboy Mansion this coming June,” the statement adds.

Oh good. At least Hugh Hefner is going to be giving Kendra Wilkinson away. There’s definitely nothing creepy about that.

However, just because he’s lost Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson in short succession, it’s not all bad news. After all, he may have bid farewell to his number one girlfriend and his number three girlfriend, but that still leaves Hugh Hefner with his number two girlfriend Bridget Marquardt, who’s presumably called his number two girlfriend because she lets him stick it up her pooper.

And besides, rumour has it that Hugh Hefner has replaced Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson with 19-year-old twins named Karissa and Kristina Shannon. You see? Hugh Hefner will never be lonely. Thank God for opportunistic moral-free fame-hungry tit models who couldn’t give off more of a gold-digger vibe if they chopped one of their own legs off.