Now don’t get us wrong, this is certainly bitter. The problem is that it’s the divorce of Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl, and if she was any less famous then she’d be, well, you.

However, since Kelly Rutherford’s divorce contains pregnancy, accusations of assault, laptop-throwing, violent temper tantrums and a child that appears to be unironically named after a brand of handbag, we’re willing to let the non-fame pass. But only this once, you hear? We’re not a bloody charity, Kelly.

Kelly Rutherford might be the least famous woman on the planet at the moment, but at least she’s got a decent plan to change that. First she got a job acting on Gossip Girl, which is admittedly a show so awful that most people would rather fling themselves under a tram than even be in the same room as a television that’s broadcasting it, but it’s a start.

Then Kelly Rutherford decided to get pregnant, a desperate bid for fame that has previously worked for the likes of Angelina Jolie, Queen Victoria, Barack Obama’s wife and your mum. And now Kelly Rutherford is ready for the final stage – the bitter, petty, public divorce from her estranged husband. Kelly Rutherford, welcome to the big league.

The source of the bitterness is a custody scrap between Kelly Rutherford and husband Daniel Giersch over their two-year-old-son Hermes. The long and the short of it is that Kelly Rutherford wants to take Hermes from California to New York while she films Gossip Girl because she thinks that Giersch will run away with the boy and never return again, and Daniel Giersch thinks that Hermes should stay with him in California because Rutherford is a mad-faced old nutter who can’t stop throwing computers at people.

Incidentally, what is it with mothers in custody cases and laptop-throwing? First Denise Richards did it, and now Kelly Rutherford’s been accused of it too? The message is clear – if you’re planning to leave your wife, invest in a netbook. Or better yet, a notepad. Or better yet, a roll of bubblewrap and a markerpen. Anyway, E! Online has more:

In a brief court hearing this morning, Rutherford’s attorney, Lance Spiegel, said that the move would be in keeping with little Hermes’ bicoastal lifestyle and that interrupting the routine could prove detrimental as the toddler “has never once spent a night away from his mother.” Takesh Hallin, an attorney for the 34-year-old Giersch, meanwhile, maintained that his client was the boy’s primary caretaker.

Don’t get too excited about this divorce, though – although the potential for ugliness is huge, Kelly Rutherford is due to start filming Gossip Girl in New York this weekend, so a verdict will no doubt be reached imminently.

We wouldn’t like to put ideas into the judge’s head, but there does seem to be one glaringly obvious solution to this mess, here – find out which parent decided to call their son Hermes, and then give custody to the other one. Bingo – problem solved.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

So congratulations to Kelly Rutherford, who we’re told is a) a star of Gossip Girl and b) pregnant. We’re not experts on Gossip Girl or pregnancy, but we hear one involves backache, uncontrollable mood swings, a slack bladder, nausea and rabid constipation. The other one is pregnancy.

This will be Kelly Rutherford’s second child, following the birth of her… really, are you still actually reading this? Are people genuinely interested in Kelly Rutherfords’s pregnancy? Weirdos.

There’s a certain step-by-step guide that older American TV actresses need to follow when they get pregnant, because pregnancy at an advance age is fraught with danger. It’s essentially the guide laid out by Marcia Cross from Desperate Housewives, so in the next few months we’re expecting to see 40-year-old Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl demand that all her scenes are filmed in her own bed, partly as a safety precaution and partly because she’s embarrassed that the naked photos she took of herself have been leaked onto the internet.

Oh, and also Kelly Rutherford needs to also give her baby a name so stupid that’ll ensure it gets bullied at school, passed over for jobs in adulthood and dies alone and bitter at a tragically young age, but that’s de rigeur for all celebrities anyway, not just middle-aged women off the telly who’ve got themselves knocked up.

But, yes, Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl is pregnant. You know, Kelly Rutherford. She plays the mother in Gossip Girl. Gossip Girl, you know. It’s a bit like The OC, except not as many people care about it because we’re all that much older now. Anyway, if you don’t recognise Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl, then maybe you’ll recognise her for her role in E-Ring. No? Her role in Threat Matrix? No? Her role in Backflash 2: Angels Don’t Sleep Here? No? Her role in Melrose Place? Anyone?

Oh, anyway, look, someone called Kelly Rutherford is pregnant, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Philly Burbs reports:

Kelly Rutherford is expecting her second child! A rep for the 40-year-old Gossip Girl star says she has a June due date. Kelly also tells people that the Gossip Girl set is very kid friendly so she won’t have to worry what to do with the newborn when she is filming. “We have such a nice set because people bring their kids and their dogs. It looks like we’re running a doggy daycare in the makeup room. It’s really something.”

Regardless of the fact that we don’t really know who she is, we wish Kelly Rutherford all the best for her pregnancy. As she no doubt knows herself, a baby is a like a little unwritten book, and nobody can ever be certain what its life will hold. Maybe it’ll discover the cure for cancer. Maybe it’ll just be content to stay at home and raise a family of its own. Or maybe it’ll become as famous as its mother.

If that last one’s the case, you shouldn’t really bother learning its name, by the way.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!