Posts tagged as:

Kelly Rowland

Beyonce Bans Christmas TV, On The Off-Chance She’ll See One Of Destiny’s Child’s Awful Songs

by Mof Gimmers

Beyonce is looking forward to packing away that collapsing stomach she bought while she waits for the stork to bring her newborn into the world. We can only hope she goes a bit Jermaine Jackson and gives it a ludicrous name. And of course, it is Christmas which will see Beyonce and Jay Z having [...]

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Kitty Brucknell Has Sex With Justin Timberlake Impersonator: Everything In World Ever Now Comparatively An Emaciated Husk

by Sophie Hall

Hello! This story doesn’t make any sense! In fact, this story is so categorically stupid that it requires a key. So, here is a key. KEY, YEAH? *SCOTT JORDAN – Man who says he looks like Justin Timberlake and substantiates this claim with a photo of himself in a trilby, which apparently is something the [...]

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Even Though You’re Ugly, Don’t Date Kelly Rowland

by Mof Gimmers

Remember when Kelly Rowland didn’t have that nose and those boobs? And all that new hair too. She’s a transformed woman! As a result, she’s got herself a moderately successful solo career and some TV work. Alas, everyone was absolutely convinced that she was drunk all the time. Y’all. Y’ally, y’all y’all. And so, now [...]

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Little Mix And Tulisa Toast X Factor Success With A Kebab

by Matthew Laidlow

Hey you, quick, come out from behind the sofa. It’s all over, honest. After nearly four months, the auto-tuned X Factor singers won’t be making anymore feature length appearances on ITV to ruin your weekend. As we all know, Little Mix were voted as the winners. Or, it was all fixed by Simon Cowell for [...]

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The X Factor Final Review: The One Where No More X Factor Ever Ever Happened Ever Again For a Bit

by Sophie Hall

Hello. Do you remember when you watched The X Factor final yesterday? Well, by an astonishing coincidence, so did we. And crikey, wasn’t it just totally and definitely and absolutely unequivocally passable? Yeah. Take that, H8ERS. *Dermot tongue roll* ALRIIIIGHT. It was in two halves, like the bloody brilliant darling that it is. Is it [...]

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Little Mix Can Supposedly Change People’s Lives

by Matthew Laidlow

Tomorrow is the final of the X Factor. It’s the one episode of the series that most of the general public tune-in for, apart from the audition rounds when we can laugh at delusional, frog-eyed members of the public. Other talent shows may spend the maximum of sixty minutes announcing their winner, but X Factor [...]

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The X Factor Review; Week 16: Louis Walsh’s Wikipedia Search History, A Love Story

by Sophie Hall

We have two more weeks of The X Factor left, and then we can go and do something else in our brains. We know. It’s amazing. Amazing how it’s all gone so marrow-achingly slow isn’t it? Amazing how time can absolutely not shift for three months in the slightest sometimes. Amazing. A bit like how [...]

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Kelly Rowland Loves A Good Ol’ Sex Shop

by Matthew Laidlow

Who doesn’t love the X-Factor? Oh that’s right, people who listen to supposed “real” music. They’re the types who’ll only listen to music made by those who play their own instruments, write songs without the word “love” being mentioned and only release fifty copies of their album on limited edition cassette tapes. For everyone else, [...]

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X Factor Review Week 15: Angina in Your Hand

by Sophie Hall

Well, what another hotbed of mayhem and violation of societal norms it’s been on the X Factor this week. Whatever you do, don’t let us go on and on about it, kay? This week on The X Factor, the sound editors got in an extra crate of Aftershock (Spiced Berry black, obviously. They’re not squares) [...]

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Gary Barlow Thinks Modern Pop Videos Are Too Sexual (Take That Would Never Do Such A Thing!)

by Mof Gimmers

Gary Barlow has always shared a certain stuffiness of his namesake, Ken Barlow. He was always something of a curmudgeon in the world of the boy band, and as he gets older, he’s showing no signs of changing. Grumping into view, Barlow has criticised modern pop videos, saying that they’re just too rude. You wouldn’t [...]

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