OK, Kelly Clarkson didn’t say all children can eff off – but if she had any of her own she’d utterly resent them.

OK, she didn’t say that either. But she probably would, because Kelly Clarkson has told a newspaper that she’d be a terrible mother. And, although she didn’t specify it in so many words, we’d guess that she’d make a fairly rubbish dad as well.

This is because Kelly Clarkson thinks her job is too selfish, and not because she wouldn’t be able to get used to all the constant atonal shrieking. She’s already desensitised to that, for some reason.

It’s fair to say that we’ve got this far in life by never listening to anything that Kelly Clarkson says. This holds especially true for anything that Kelly Clarkson says in a sequence of modulated notes that are accompanied by any form of music, but it also goes for things that she actually says in a normal speaking voice as well.

Like when Kelly Clarkson said that she’d sell more records if she wrote all her own songs, we didn’t listen to her. That’s just as well because the resulting album was My December, and it was so intensely hopeless that most people generally agree that they’d have a better time trying to gnaw their arm off in a disturbing Saw-style torture game than anything involving actually having to hear it.

But now we’re willing to relax our stance, because Kelly Clarkson has said something we more or less agree with – that she’d be a bad mother. True, our reasoning may vary a little – she says she doesn’t want children because her job is too selfish, we say she doesn’t want children because inevitably she’d get hungry and eat one of them – but let’s not quibble here. US Weekly reports:

“Oh, my God, I have no desire,” the American Idol winner, 26, tells USA Today. “I would not be a good mother. “I mean, I love being an aunt to my niece and nephew,” she continues. “And I used to want to, like, adopt 10 kids — because I had friends who were adopted, and I thought that was the coolest thing, to be chosen. But…my job is too selfish.”

Kelly Clarkson is right, of course – she would be a bad mother. So, with that in mind, it’s a good job that Kelly Clarkson is famously resolute in her opinions, because we’d hate for her to go back on her statement and actually have a child, because that child would grow up having categorical printed evidence that his mother wasn’t very good at her job, and he’d no doubt develop all kinds of severe deep-set psychological issues based on the very real fear that one day his mother’s flaw will manifest itself by her attacking him with pins or deliberately burning his hand on a cooker and then pretending she didn’t.

So, yes, well done Kelly Clarkson. We’re proud of you.

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