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hecklerspray is massively gay. We’re so queer it hurts. Even the straight ‘spreezies are super ‘mo. You don’t care about that. You want to know whether Kelly Clarkson is a lesbian, for whatever nefarious reasons you have.
So is she?
Well, she doesn’t give the ‘bian ‘bian vibe to us. Not one bit. She couldn’t possibly smell of sex with another woman. Not that this has stopped people speculating that she is. And Kel’ wants to tell us all about it.
Hey! America! You know that song you have that goes “Oh say can you see? By the dawn’s early light! Da-da-dum, dee-dee-dee, the actor called Rocket Redglare’s arse glows!” or whatever it is? Well, once again, it will be sung at a major sporting event where you don’t compete against anyone else in the world!
And who might be fluffing the lyrics to it at Super Bowl XLVI?!
Why, it’s the regrettably nice Kelly Clarkson who is very, very difficult to hate – unless you listen to her music.
Well, what another hotbed of mayhem and violation of societal norms it’s been on the X Factor this week.
Whatever you do, don’t let us go on and on about it, kay?
This week on The X Factor, the sound editors got in an extra crate of Aftershock (Spiced Berry black, obviously. They’re not squares) and decided to insult our intelligence! Yeah, as opposed to the norm of respecting us with sincere background music choices that somehow formulate a narrative on a reality entertainment show. Yeah, truth man!
When normal people have normal problems, it’s boring. However, when a famous person has normal problems, it becomes endearing. It enables us to coo “OOOH! THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!”
They’re not. They’re nothing like us. They are wealthy, bloated maggots who feed on our emotional connection to their image. They expect us to care more about their outpourings than our own.
And in the case of Kelly Clarkson, she wants us to give two hoots about the fact she’s never been in love. That accounts for why her love ballads sound so disingenuous then, eh?
Hey! Citizens of Planet Crud! You know what Kelly Clarkson thinks you should do? Go mug her. That’s right. Find her, and forcibly steal things from her. Why? Well, that’s because being mugged doesn’t compare to the worst kind of violation.
Leaking her songs.
That’s right. The sharing of waveforms, collected together in a shapeless, intangible file, leaked through a painless portal is way worse than lamping her on her famous head while making off with her phone and handbag.
Kelly Clarkson, without wanting to be rude, has always erred on the side of chunky. She’ll never be a stick insect.
And that’s fine. It means she’s a real woman. Admittedly all women are real women provided that they’ve got the proper chromosomes, so it’s more accurate to say that Kelly Clarkson is a real woman who looks like she eats quite a lot. But that’s not the point. Kelly Clarkson is happy with how she looks, and she told Self magazine so recently.
However, Self magazine disagreed – so it airbrushed the living crap out of her on the cover. Inspiring.
10 – Angry nuns. You heard – Darkbeige
9 – Kelly Clarkson (sort of) rips off Beyonce, refuses to shut up about it – Amy Grindhouse
8 - If you’ve been watching David on Big Brother and thinking “But where do I know him from?”, here’s your answer. You’ll thank us for this – Watchwithmothers
7 - Do you have a dog? Are you painfully lonely? Do you like the idea of making people run away from you in terror? Then do WE have the invention for YOU! – Geekologie
OK, Kelly Clarkson didn’t say all children can eff off – but if she had any of her own she’d utterly resent them.
OK, she didn’t say that either. But she probably would, because Kelly Clarkson has told a newspaper that she’d be a terrible mother. And, although she didn’t specify it in so many words, we’d guess that she’d make a fairly rubbish dad as well.
This is because Kelly Clarkson thinks her job is too selfish, and not because she wouldn’t be able to get used to all the constant atonal shrieking. She’s already desensitised to that, for some reason.
