PETA, they’re a pesky bunch aren’t they? Whenever an opportunity arises, you know that one of their weak and feeble members will be around to call you nasty names. Such is their obsession with animal rights; they didn’t see The Human Centipede as a gross-out horror film, but as a powerful documentary showing man continuing to push animal experimentation to the limit.

Here in the hecklerspray bedsit, we bloody love animals. As we sit in our leather chair, we pass the time by playing a jolly song on our ivory piano and flicking cigars into our monkey paw ashtray.

If PETA had it their way, they’d make animals the rulers of the world. Until this happens, we’ll have to put up with them whining for a bit longer. Normally we’d ignore them, but sometimes they hire people to spread their word. This time it’s Kelly Brook who has revealed herself to be part-snake. CAN SHE UNHINGE HER JAW?!

In the UK, we don’t really have any problems with reptiles or amphibians. Because of our awful weather, the poor creatures would die pretty much instantly in the wilderness and then resemble nothing more than a long frozen poo.

The last time that snakes made any impact in our lives was when screen legend Samuel L. Jackson voiced his discomfort about snakes being present on an aeroplane he happened to be on.

And while Samuel L. promptly went about killing as many snakes as he could, like some kind of modern day St Patrick, other celebrities would rather cuddle our limbless chums and join PETA in their crusade of spreading the word about animal rights.

X Factorist Leona Lewis has worked for PETA during their “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign. Either the head honchos at PETA want the public to realise that the human body is beautiful without a dead animal skin wrapped around them or, as we suspect, they just want to get people naked because they’re massive perverts.

Either way, Kelly Brook has basically been asked to strip off, be painted like a snake and pose for a photo for with the attached caption; “Whose Skin Are You In?” We can safely say that we’re wearing our own, thanks. Kelly said about the campaign:

“It makes my skin crawl to think about the violent ways snakes, lizards, alligators and other exotic creatures are raised and killed for boots, bags and belts.”

Wearing clothes made by children in sweatshops is fine though. Sod humans. They have talking mouths, so they don’t need help like hugely venomous snakes that are really hard to catch.

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Kelly Brook, the only girl who comes anywhere near matching the sheer loveliness of Zooey Deschanel, is off the market again by the looks of it.

The buxom British babe, star of Piranha 3D and… probably something else none of us can quite think of right now, apart from that issue of Playboy she got her norks out for obviously.

Apparently the lovely Kelly has jetted off to the Maldives with her ex Danny Caprisun, a bloke what plays Rugby, that sport where big men give each other special hugs whilst wearing tight tops and shorts.

News agencies across the land have searched high and low for information as to whether or not the couple are back together, but apparently couldn’t be bothered to actually call someone up or use any of their journalistic contacts. No, our intrepid modern day hacks have, once again, stayed in bed and decided that Twitter is the best source for news there is.

And why should we be any different? Kelly updated her official twitter, which we would plug here but if you can’t use Google to find it you really don’t deserve our time, with the following:

“In the Maldives pure Paradise couldn’t face battling Heathrow. Hopefully back Christmas day!”

Not that she’s trying to rub in the fact that she’s a stunningly attractive young woman with quite a considerable amount of cash and some pre-pubescent, pretend athlete boyfriend, with a name that sounds like a kids juice drink, that she can pick up and drop as she pleases, who can go on holiday to the Maldives while the rest of us have to sit in the bloody cold, looking out on all the happy people building snowmen as we’re forced to sit behind a computer and type out ridiculous over the top diatribes about people more successful than themselves on holiday in the bloody Maldives!

In fact, we here at hecklerspray take it back, Kelly is no where near as lovely as our mysterious queen of hearts, Zooey. How could we have been foolish enough to even think she was!?

Not that we’re jealous you understand…

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In what we can assume is an ongoing campaign to completely desensitise the world to the sight of her in a state of undress, Kelly ‘Naked’ Brook has once again got it all out, this time to flog some trainers to imbeciles who think that purchasing them will either make them ‘look like her’ or ‘have sex with her’.

The ironic thing is that – because they’re largely insane – not a single woman on earth will want to be identified with her, and most men have now seen Kelly ‘Starkers’ Brook in the nip so often that they’re about as excited about it as they about seeing their own girlfriends in their pants brushing their teeth whilst breaking wind in the morning.

The perma-grinning model/actress/owner-of-breasts unveiled a new advertising billboard featuring herself, a pair of trainers and nothing else at all, whilst wearing a bloody sports-bra instead of a proper shirt just to hammer the point home. She said:

“It’s a bit scary having yourself up on a billboard but I suppose I’ve got to get used to it because I just did a shoot for Playboy. It seems this month is my naked month.”

Month? MONTH? Kelly ‘Tits Out’ Brook has not been properly dressed for so long it would actually be quite arousing to see her in a turtle-neck, sensible slacks and a pair of clogs due to the pure novelty.

Christ. If we wanted to constantly see the same woman hanging bits of herself about as if it were completely normal we’d get married.

Kelly ‘Nudey Lady’ Brook will appear in Piranha 3D, opening in UK cinemas 20th August. William Hill is no longer taking bets – she’ll almost certainly get them out.

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Apart from photographers who like piddling about with snaps almost constantly, we’ve yet to meet anyone who actually likes airbrushed photographs. Women don’t like them because it makes models not real (or ‘imaginary’) and blokes that read wipe-clean mags are too busy screwing their faces up during the vinegar strokes.

Anyway, the Girl Guides are petitioning the government to bring in new laws that would see stickers being put on airbrushed images and Kelly Brook backs it saying that clear warnings should appear.

This all comes on the back of the statistic that says half of 16 to 21-year-old girls would consider cosmetic surgery.

Speaking at the launch of her new poster campaign in London, Brook said:

“If people are being slimmed down in photographs then I think that should definitely be pointed out because you don’t want to portray something that is unrealistic and unachievable to young teenage girls.”

In fairness, she did admit that her posters were probably airbrushed in some way. She went onto acknowledge that any label saying THIS IS AIRBRUSHED would invariably be incredibly small at the foot of a page (not unlike the disclaimers put in mascara commercials and shampoo ads).

She continued:

“Airbrushing has been around since the ’50s. It’s what Hollywood was built on and I’m a big fan of Hollywood and that whole era.”

The eating disorder charity, Beat, is also calling for more clarity about airbrushed pictures. Susan Ringwood from the group said:

“We know the difference it would make to all young people’s self esteem and body confidence if they could be sure which of the images they see are natural and true to life.”

What do you think?

10 – Doctor Who goes to Glastonbury, dances like a twonk – Watch With Mothers

9 - If someone yawns when you talk to them, it means they fancy you. Needless to say, this makes us the sexiest group of people on the planet – Asylum

8 – Kristen Stewart in bizarre ‘smiling’ incident - AmyGrindhouse

7 - Bored of Rock Paper Scissors? Good, us too. That’s why, from now on, we’ll be playing Robot Pirate Ninja Zombie Monkey. Ninja beats pirate, by the way – Geekologie

6 – Tom Ford to direct another film, and that’s all that anybody knows – Clothesonfilm

5 - Who wants to spend this Sunday quilting? Anyone? – Domesticsluttery

4 – Kelly Brook in a bikini. For once - Popsugar

3 - The Farmville movie takes another horrifying step closer – BestWeekEver

2 – Fat girl falls over, possibly because she likes terrible music - Buzzfeed

1 - This Conan The Barbarian musical looks awesome…

Kelly Brook doesn’t have a type, although potential love interests do have to meet her three-part criteria.

Part one: they must be famous. Part two: they must somehow be able to help further Kelly Brook’s career. Part three: it helps if people had previously assumed that they were gay. But so long as you pass those tests, Kelly Brook will embark on a long and passionate romance with you that will last either forever or until she thinks her career needs a bit of a boost.

So congratulations to Matthew Morrison, the famous star of Glee who everyone assumed was gay, for becoming romantically involved with Kelly Brook. May your relationship bring unending happiness, or at least land Kelly Brook a bit-part in a film that nobody will watch. One or the other.

Glee is probably the hottest thing on television right now. Without knowing it, it has tapped into the public’s love of genuinely infuriating quirk, occasional subplots that were left out of Saved By The Bell for being too suffocatingly earnest and hundreds of shit songs made even worse by a bunch of gaspingly obnoxious musical theatre dullards. So, you know, well done for knowing what the people want, Glee.

But starring in Glee has its upsides. Take Matthew Morrison, for example. Because he plays that witless teacher with the stupid hair who everyone wants to punch senseless, he now gets to have sex with Kelly Brook. Or pretend to have sex with Kelly Brook. Or whatever it is that people who go out with Kelly Brook actually do, aside from feeling their IQ slip through their fingers every time they try to engage her in conversation. Digital Spy reports:

Matthew Morrison has been pictured on a date with Kelly Brook, reports claim. According to MTV, the pair – who are apparently seeing each other following Brook’s split from rugby player Danny Cipriani – watched yesterday afternoon’s England vs Slovenia match in London. However, the 31-year-old actor – who plays Glee‘s Will Schuester – recently insisted that he is still single.

Don’t be surprised if all of this ends up with Kelly Brook landing a part on Glee. It’s not unthinkable – after all, there’s been a Madonna episode and a Lady Gaga episode, so what’s stopping producers from making a Kelly Brook episode? You know, apart from her inability to sing or act very convincingly? Huh?

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Multi-talented large-breasted woman Kelly Brook has, according to the Daily Mail, agreed to a photo shoot with Playboy.

You know what that means? If rumors are to be believed, the notoriously body-shy ‘actress/model/whatever pays well’ will take her shirt off. But probably not her pants. Playboy isn’t THAT sort of publication.

The announcement caused controversy absolutely NO-WHERE, as people scratched there heads and were fairly sure they’d already seen her sans shirt elsewhere “in that thing or something and weren’t that fussed anyway ‘cos she’s getting on a bit.”

As well as her appearances as ‘that girl’ in Smallville, Kelly Brook has battled the unfair public perception of her as a lady who will take her shirt off for advancement by forging an acting career in both film – in which she took her shirt off in Survival Island which was so good it had to be re-named Three for the rest of the world just in case they’d heard of it; and theatre – in that play where she took her shirt off.

This has left many to wonder upon her recent decision to expose her breasts for a magazine read only by 40-year-old men who have even less idea than the rest of the world who she is than we do.

Seriously. Who buys magazines to see naked women these days anyway?

We have no doubt that Kelly is waiting for calls from suave Playboy-reading art-house directors who don’t exist, whilst the lucrative adolescent masturbator market think that “she’s more my Dad’s thing” and are still bothered by those fake pictures of that Harry Potter girl.

And it’s unfair of people to focus on her chest.

She got her arse out for the tabloids a lot as well.

Oh. Her next film is Piranha 3D according to IMDb. Job done.

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You know Danny Dyer right? Yes, the man once dubbed by the Royal Shakespeare Company as ‘the best Hamlet since Olivier’ and praised for his deep, dark and gritty roles borne from Dyer’s unswerving dedication to method acting and delivering performances that Variety call ‘ethereal and devastating’.

Yeah. That Danny Dyer.

Of course, that’s all a bit glib because we all know that Dyer is a new breed of actor that goes to new depths every single time he appears on our screens. He’s invented a new zero-dimensional style of acting that effectively enables him to appear on-screen and act like himself, only ever varied up by the appearance of a cut on his lip or talking either ‘loudly’ or ‘slightly less loudly’.

And so, with opinion on the widest geezer in town at an all-time low, he’s got the sheer bloody nerve to slag someone else off for not being able to act. That’s a bit like a dog-shit criticising a rancid open sore for being too stinky. Dyer has set his phaser to ‘blah’ and Kelly Brook is in the crosshair.

Dyer, who once said that Orlando Bloom couldn’t act and that he genuinely thinks of as “a cunt” (more on that here), is reportedly unhappy at the prospect of working with Kelly Brook for a forthcoming movie.

You see, unfathomably, someone has deemed the pool of British acting talent shallow enough to cast the pair of them in the same flick. It just so happens to be a horror movie and it’s called Hotel Caledonia, just so you can give anything with a flickering screen a wide-berth around release date, just to be on the safe side.

Despite the fact that there hasn’t been a single frame shot for what promises to be a staggering waste of everyone’s time and money, Dyer is not a happy chappy.

Speaking about his future colleague in an interview with the Daily Star, Dyer is quoted as saying:

“She can’t act so I’m certainly not looking forward to working with her. She doesn’t do it for me and she never has done.

“She’s okay looking, she’s all right. But I wouldn’t call her that fucking fit. She honestly does nothing for me.

“And I definitely wouldn’t want to do a play with her. That’s the last thing you’ll see me do. I’d rather do a play with Shane Richie.”

It’s not all pointless news though. Dyer has admitted that the shooting for Hotel Caledonia may never begin as producers are finding it difficult to raise funds for the project.

“I was offered the part and said I wanted to do it. But it’s struggling with finance so I’m not sure if it’s definitely going ahead.

“My role in it is brilliant. I’ve got a part as a serial killer and I strip women’s skin from their bodies. It’s really dark.”

Jesus H. Shit. That sounds great doesn’t it? The answer you’re looking for is ‘No. Not at all. I’d rather strip the skin from mine own body, eat what I can take off and whatever I manage to pass as waste product before I die… the resultant mess will be a million times better, wittier and funnier than Hotel Caledonia’.

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The Moving Wallpaper/Echo Beach concept was unusual for ITV, it was quite innovative and possibly even a teeny bit good.

Worry not however, as they weren’t going to allow this anomaly to continue unfettered.

If the phenomenon of the original format passed you by, here is a quick recap. Moving Wallpaper and Echo Beach were shown back to back. The former was a knowing parody of a TV production office which was creating a beach-based soap aptly called Echo Beach. Therefore the viewer was in the unusual position that he/she/it could see the entire production process through to its fruition.

This premise is no more. The two programmes have now been consolidated into one, though instead of a surf-based soap now they are creating a zombie drama starring Kelly Brook and Alan Dale – yes, the real life ones. They play both themselves and their characters in the 28 Days Later homage. It has to be said that while Kelly Brook is no doubt good at many a hobby, acting isn’t one of them.

Nothing about the new series of Moving Wallpaper stands out, it is merely millimetres away from being the epitome of mediocre, easy watch television. The much exaggerated character of Jonathan Pope is supplied by Ben Miller. He is one of three notable individuals, the others being Nancy Weeks (Raquel Cassidy) and James Lance, who reprises his role more or less identically from Absolute Power. These three are the saving grace.

This is a great series for those who have lost the use of their brain, or are hopelessly bored and not even Ross Kemp on TV is on. The best you can hope for is some sporadic slapstick humour which is really subpar considering the ability of some of these actors.

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Sad news – Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have split up. Billy Zane. He was in Titanic. You know, Billy Zane. Went out with Kelly Brook for a while. Anyone?

However, perhaps it’s not all sad news that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have split up. For a start it means that Billy can go back to making his rubbish straight-to-DVD movies without any distractions, while Kelly Brook looks positively thrilled that she dumped him.

And this happiness might even trickle down to you, boys, because it means Kelly Brook is back on the market. You have a chance! Provided, of course, that you’re older than Kelly Brook and bald. And a C-list actor who’ll use your meagre Hollywood status to boost Kelly’s acting career by association until you’ve exhausted your use at which point she’ll quickly dump you for someone infinitesimally more famous. That’ll help too.

Don’t look so surprised that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have broken up. A love that pure and fragile could never hope to last in such a brutal world. Plus, you know, it’s Billy Zane for god’s sake. Ugh.

Yes, it’s with a heavy heart that we must tell you that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane’s romance has come to an end. Truly they were the golden couple of bald blokes who some people thought might have been gay and women so hell-bent on getting famous in America that they’ll shack up with the first fruity bald actor that they come across, no matter how obscure.

No doubt that, coming so soon after her father’s death, the split with Billy Zane has left Kelly Brook in a state of near-devastation, so perhaps we’ll just leave her to grieve her lost love in peace.

What? Kelly Brook’s swanking around with the world’s biggest grin on her face? Well in that case we’ll carry on, then. Metro reports:

Kelly Brook was eager to prove she’s a woman on the move after news broke she dumped long-time fiancé, Billy Zane. The Strictly Come Dancing beauty certainly didn’t look unhappy on a visit to her mother’s home in Rochester. Beaming a grin from ear to ear, she flashed baiting cameras a clear message she’s over the four year romance. She then wagged a ring-less engagement finger to make sure there was no misinterpretation that she’s back on the market.

OK, so she seems quite happy to have ended it with Billy Zane, but what’s in store for Kelly Brook now? Does this mean that her hopes of cracking America as a major acting talent have ground to a halt? Or will she somehow manage to pick up an actor marginally more famous than Billy Zane in a couple of weeks and piggyback his success for a bit? The latter shouldn’t be too difficult because a) Kelly Brook is a nice-looking girl and b) literally nobody is less famous than Billy Zane.

But before that happens, let’s look back on the four years that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane spent together by revisiting their 2005 eroto-blockbuster Three. Actually, no, let’s not do that. We’d rather drink bleach than do that.

Read more:

Single Kelly Is All Smiles Again – Metro

Sooner or later the Strictly Come Dancing contestants are going to have to learn that anyone who throws an on-camera strop will get voted out – just like Dominic Littlewood and, on Saturday’s show, John Barnes.

John Barnes: brilliant when he’s asked to do a Strictly Come Dancing latin dance, but useless if he’s asked to do a Strictly Come Dancing ballroom dance. Everyone knows that. But that theory took a beating on Saturday, when John’s Samba to Sir Juke was all flabby and out of shape. Sure, he wiggled his hips around like he was trying to loosen up a colon-impacted turd, but nothing more. And as well as the technique being a bit out, John Barnes also made the routine look roughly as fun as regrouting a mid-sized bathroom. And then threw a wobbly when he got crap scores. No wonder he got eliminated.

But who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing if John Barnes isn’t? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, Letitia Dean and Kelly Brook, with help from Paddy Power…

Gethin Jones – Now then, Gethin Jones might only be as expressively sexy as a month-old Pot Noodle, but you can’t deny that he isn’t clever. After weeks and weeks of getting a hammering by the Strictly Come Dancing judges for not being sexy enough, on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing he chose to do a Quickstep to You’re The Top – a dance where all romance is flung out in favour of hoofing around like Bambi with epilepsy all the time. However, even though the only emotion the dance allowed him to express was a sort of exhausted bewilderment, Gethin Jones still got it in the neck from the Strictly Come Dancing judges for not showing enough personality, saying that he should have shown “a bit more gaiety or fun.” And they’ve got a point – we’ve seen balsa wood sculptures of gravel with more personality than Gethin Jones when he’s dancing. SCORE – 34; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 8/1

Letitia Dean – Letitia Dean has two kinds of dance-modes; the one where she looks all graceful and serene, and the one that finishes with Letitia looking like she’s been chased up a mountain by a pack of hungry dogs that’ve mistaken her for a sausage. And on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Letitia Dean managed to combine the two – she did a nimble Viennese Waltz to She’s Always A Woman and got so out of breath in the process that she could barely speak. Best of all, Letitia Dean managed to complete the dance with the sort of perfectly fixed, lobotomised rictus grin that not even a harrowing humanitarian atrocity could shift from her face. That was what the Strictly Come Dancing judges must have wanted, though, because they told Letitia that “Altogether, I thought it was absolutely fantastic.” By and large, Letitia Dean is the best improved dancer since the first show, which officially makes her Strictly Come Dancing‘s Leon Jackson. And, no, we don’t think that’s such a great plaudit either. SCORE – 32; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 28/1

Kelly Brook – Kelly’s whole week had a celebratory theme to it prior to Saturday’s Samba to Staying Alive. For a start it was her birthday, so she had a party that Billy Zane conspicuously didn’t attend, and then she followed it up by making her dance routine so universally wedding receptiony that it only really needed a crying girl, a drunken punch-up and a disappointing meal to complete the illusion. Once the routine was over – something signalled by Brendan Cole dropping Kelly on the back of her skull – the Strictly Come Dancing judges let rip: “My high expectations have fallen as hard as a lead balloon,” they ranted, and we think we have to agree – unless Kelly perks up her ideas, her chances of winning Strictly Come Dancing are all but over. Not that Kelly Brook will be too upset by that – at least it’ll mean she can add ‘failed dancer’ to the ‘failed TV presenter’ and ‘failed actress’ that’s already on her CV. SCORE – 29; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 6/1

Tomorrow – Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kenny Logan, Matt Di Angelo and Alesha Dixon. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Well, the dream had to come to an end at some point – and on Saturday Kate Garraway was eliminated from Strictly Come Dancing after convincing enough of the public that she couldn’t dance to save her blinking life.

Having just started to recover from the leg injury that did her in before Strictly Come Dancing began, Kate Garraway suffered a back injury in training for Saturday’s Paso Doble to Somebody Told Me, meaning that the only parts of her anatomy that have come out of the show unscathed are her knockers. However, we didn’t think that Kate Garraway did too badly at her routine – being in incredible pain made her scowl sexily for the first time ever and she even seemed to let loose at one point, although that could have been because she was hopped-up on enough prescription medication to break a dinosaur.

So with no more Garraway fouling everything up, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s part one of the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – for Kelly Brook, Letitia Dean and Kenny Logan – with help from Paddy Power…

Kelly Brook – These last couple of weeks have seen Kelly Brook struggle to get back into the Strictly Come Dancing running after all that rule-breaking from a few weeks back, so it was good to see that the nearest thing to a rule-break from Kelly Brook during Saturday’s Jive to Johnny B Goode was Brendan Cole wearing a pair of sparkly girl-shoes and – judging by the look on his face – one of Kaplinsky‘s old thongs. As for the dance itself, it was clear that Kelly was enjoying herself – she kept kicking her leg out with wild abandon, like she was trying to flick away a persistent piece of dog-turd, and kept her mouth wide open throughout an expression of joy instead of the usual expression of dimness. And the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved it too, telling Kelly that “You are a very talented dancer… you did that Jive absolutely perfectly,” before going on to give her an obviously less than perfect score. SCORE – 36; Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 9/2

Letitia Dean – It’s becoming clear that Letitia Dean lives and dies by public opinion, so when she dances well she’s happy but when she dances badly she reacts like she’s watching a bunch of men in ski-masks trample babies. And since her last Strictly Come Dancing routine didn’t go down well, she made rehearsals for Saturday’s Foxtrot to Call Me Irresponsible look like the most traumatic experience ever. She needn’t have, of course, because the dance was one of her best yet. The red-face sex leer was replaced by a weird fixed, slightly different sex leer and all in all Letitia looked a lot like a cross between a Dorothy Perkins mannequin and a creepy lifesize vinyl sex doll – which is apparently a good thing for the Foxtrot according to the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who said that it was a “Sweet, very, very stylish routine… Your shoulders were finally down Letitia. Very, very classy.” SCORE – 34; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 28/1

Kenny Logan – After last week’s appallingly smooth routine, Kenny Logan was back giving the people exactly what they want on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing – a giant angry brute in a sparkly Incredible Hulk vest thudding about with absolutely no concept of rhythm whatsoever. Kenny’s Strictly Come Dancing routine was a Cha Cha Cha to Billie Jean, although Thriller would have been more apt thanks to Kenny’s clear resemblance to one of the undead. The rapey hip-thrusts we’ve come to love were back, as was a new addition: a moonwalk, although we hear that Kenny prefers it to be called the ‘reverse smash’. It was impressively awful to watch – the Strictly Come Dancing judges called it “about the standard of a 7 year old in a dance class” – but at least Kenny’s partner is doing her best to cover up the badness by dressing in zero clothes and dry-humping him like a maniac at any opportunity. That’s the spirit. SCORE – 22; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 50/1

Tomorrow – Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, John Barnes, Alesha Dixon and Matt Di Angelo. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

This season of Strictly Come Dancing is turning up all kinds of surprises, as Saturday’s shock elimination of Penny Lancaster proved only too well.

So far that’s two potential winners gone in Penny Lancaster and Gabby Logan, while Kate Garraway and Kenny Logan – a spam-footed embarrassment and a graceless thumping monster – are still in the running. Despite what the Strictly Come Dancing judges say, this is absolutely the right way to go. With anything luck, if this keeps happening, Kate Garraway will be crowned as the Strictly Come Dancing champion by Christmas. And that means a) anyone who took advantage of Kate Garraway’s long betting odds will be richer than they could ever imagine and b) Bruno Tonioli‘s face will explode.

Who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kenny Logan, John Barnes, Kelly Brook and Alesha Dixon, with help from Paddy Power…

Kenny Logan - Maybe our expectations of Kenny Logan are too high, but in our entire lives we haven’t experienced disappointment on a scale that we experienced watching Kenny doing a Viennese Waltz to Flower Of Scotland on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. We were expecting all the things we’ve come to love from Kenny Logan’s dancing – borderline-obscene outfits, a fire-eyed look of fury, an impressive refusal to even attempt to dance to the music and an unsettling impersonation of a rapist committing a hate crime – but set to bagpipe music. And while the rehearsals looked promising – with Kenny Logan becoming so furious that he started battering his own face at one point – the actual Strictly Come Dancing routine itself was a let-down. Kenny was smooth, Kenny was graceful, Kenny – frankly – did a decent job. The Strictly Come Dancing judges even went as far as to tell Kenny that “You came out and you dominated that floor. No question, your best dance so far.” We feel sick. SCORE – 26; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 80/1

John Barnes – OK, we’ll admit that we were wrong. It wasn’t John Barnes’ shrinking frame that was stopping him from doing well at Strictly Come Dancing – it was the fact that he was being made to do dances that didn’t allow him to flail his hips around like a professional hula-hooper with post traumatic stress disorder. Because on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, John Barnes got to dance the Salsa to an unstoppably generic piece of music, and it was easily his most convincing routine of Strictly Come Dancing so far. Throwing his hips around like someone was prodding him in the arse with a cattle brand, John Barnes looked the happiest we’ve seen him since New Order let him do the World In Motion rap instead of Tony Adams, and it showed – the buoyant mood even rubbed off on the Strictly Come Dancing judges who declared that “I was bathing in the ocean of that cuban motion!” Again, we’re not really sure what this means. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 18/1

Kelly Brook – By getting picked up more than she was supposed to and waggling a cape around, Kelly Brook’s Strictly Come Dancing journey so far has been tinged with the sort of controversy that only a professional dancing judge could bother giving a shit about, but on Saturday’s show Kelly Brook had the chance that she was a dancer first and a controversy magnet second. And a rubbish actress third. Dancing the Viennese Waltz to Delilah, Kelly Brook really entered into the spirit of the song by repeatedly spurning the sexual advances of Brendan Cole – something that she probably managed to learn how to do by repeatedly spurning the sexual advances of Brendan Cole week after week in real life. And the routine was such a success that, for the first time in weeks, the Strictly Come Dancing judges didn’t just gargle and splutter like outraged pensioners afterwards, either, saying that “beauty and the beast have danced back into the fairytale.” We don’t know what fairytale they were talking about, but it’s probably a shit one. About dancing. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 3/1

Alesha Dixon – That’s it. We give in. There’s literally no dance that Alesha Dixon can’t do, aside from the dance that expresses forgiveness to her husband for boning Javine behind her back. Admittedly dancing a Salsa to a Michael Jackson song is closer than usual to her day job – shouting the word “Flava” over and over again while pulling her ‘street’ face, but she still managed to do it extraordinarily well, keeping perfectly in time with her partner and even grinding her bottom on his genitals convincingly, even though he looks a bit like an effeminate blonde Dracula mannequin. And the Strictly Come Dancing judges were so overwhelmed by Alesha’s dancing that they started hurling insults at her under the illusion that they were compliments. “You’ve got more hips than Cuba all put together. Hot hot hot!” is an insult, right? SCORE – 35; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 10/11

Next week: X Factor betting odds again. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

On Saturday tiny wee slaphead Dominic Littlewood was the latest semi-celebrity to get voted off Strictly Come Dancing, which seemed to come as a surprised to nobody except Dominic Littlewood himself.

Dominic Littlewood's stock in trade – apart from his ability to haggle three pence off the price of a new car on daytime TV – is his cheekiness. However, that went on Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing because he was dancing a Paso Doble to El Gato Montez, which apparently called for lots of marching around like a midget Hitler out of time to the music while dressed as a gay Libertine. But, as you may have expected, the most convincing part of Dominic Littlewood's performance came when he had an embittered tantrum about how nobody likes him afterwards. Even Bruce Forsyth started slating Dominic at one point, and his tolerance for awfulness is so high that he counts Jimmy Tarbuck as a friend.

Who's going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kelly Brook, John Barnes, Letitia Dean, Gethin Jones and Kenny Logan, with help from Paddy Power…

Kelly Brook – After Brendan Cole committed the mortal sin of picking Kelly Brook up three times instead of twice on a previous Strictly Come Dancing, the pair of them have become the resident sequinny rebels, and this is something that Kelly seized upon by deciding that she'd break the rules and dick about with a cape during her Paso Doble to You Give Love A Bad Name, when traditionally it's the job of the man. And predictably the Strictly Come Dancing judges reacted as if Kelly Brook had shat in their tea, yelling things like "Do a proper dance with stuff I can see" at her. We can see why they were angry – while Kelly titted about with the cape it didn't give Brendan much to do aside from waggle his hands around like an end-of-the-pier magician getting ready to pull a dove out of his arse. Disappointing. SCORE – 28; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 3/1

John Barnes – We're honestly worried that John Barnes' talent-sac is kept in his gut because the more weight he loses, the worse he gets at dancing. It's true – although the rehearsals for his Strictly Come Dancing Foxtrot to My Guy saw John Barnes slapping his head and shouting "Come on!" like a mentally ill person trying to get the voices in his head to stop chanting the word "kill" at him over and over again, the actual dance wasn't particularly good. Boring, forgettable, generic, there's a chance that John Barnes is now getting so thin that he's starting to half-vanish like the photos in Back To The Future. The Strictly Come Dancing judges thought so too, calling the routine "laboured." Let's make a pact; to improve John Barnes' Strictly Come Dancing chances, the first person to see him this week has to force-feed him an entire roast chicken. Deal? SCORE – 24; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 40/1

Letitia Dean – Since the Paso Doble is a dramatic dance, Letitia Dean vowed early on in training for Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing that she'd need to use her acting skills for her routine to Live And Let Die. Since we're fully aware that the only acting skill Letitia Dean is capable of involves pouting at Grant Mitchell while looking like she's trying to solve a particularly difficult math equation in her head, we assumed that she'd be screwed come the actual dance. But we were wrong – she performed her routine with all the fire and spit of a spoilt six-year-old demanding that her parents take her to Disneyland. And that's a lot of fire and spit. The Strictly Come Dancing judges loved Letitia's routine too, saying it was "full of attitude, full of authority." But secretly we think they gave her a high score because the dance marked the return of Letitia's 'breathless pervert' face, which they all missed last week. SCORE – 31; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 10/1

Gethin Jones – Gethin Jones has been receiving a lot of stick from the Strictly Come Dancing judges for not sexing his routines up very much. And, fearing that on Saturday we'd see Gethin dressed up as a serial sex-offender with a three-foot veiny codpiece, we were sort of relieved that he mostly ignored their advice to perform a Foxtrot to Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue, the sole hint of sexiness being Gethin's reticent wink at the end. Only sort of relieved, mind you – the routine was still so painfully unspectacular that it would have trouble standing out in a roomful of vapour. But what do we know – the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to enjoy it enough, telling Gethin "you did that beautifully." Yet it still wasn't enough to break Gethin out of his mid-table mediocrity. Maybe he really should break the codpiece out next week. SCORE – 31; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 8/1

Kenny Logan – Let's not beat about the bush here, Kenny Logan is the only reason any of us watch Strictly Come Dancing any more, because his dances are so brain-meltingly graceless that they're the single-most entertaining thing about the whole show. Take Kenny Logan's Strictly Come Dancing Paso Doble to Take Me Out, for instance – it's like he'd mistaken read that the entire history of the Paso Doble was based on the story of Kratos from God Of War because at one point Kenny stopped hurling his partner about like a rag doll to – and we swear this is true – summon up power from the heavens. The Strictly Come Dancing judges rolled out the usual criticism you'd expect, saying that it was "too aggressive" and that it lacked finesse, but we don't care about any of that. Also, Kenny Logan was dancing in a sleeveless top and sparkly kilt, too, which made the whole thing look like the deleted rape scene from Starlight Express. SCORE – 21; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 80/1

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Alesha Dixon, Kate Garraway, Matt Di Angelo and Penny Lancaster. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

It’s the next edition of Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow, and everyone wants to know whether there’ll be another shock result like last week, and also whether everyone is going to react as if their children died like last week too.

Having said that, the shock Strictly Come Dancing exit of Gabby Logan last week was fairly entertaining, not least because Len Goodman – a man who sat stony-faced when that Osmond woman collapsed in front of her recently – has turned into the world’s most furious man because the public didn’t vote properly. So let’s try and get another favourite out tomorrow, because we get the feeling Len might squirt his brain out of his nose in disgust if we do.

Who’ll be the next to leave Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kelly Brook, Gethin Jones, Letitia Dean, Penny Lancaster and Matt Di Angelo, with help from Paddy Power…

Kelly Brook - Throughout Strictly Come Dancing, all Kelly Brook has basically done is frenziedly dry-hump her partner in weeny little scraps of fabric, but on Saturday she got to do an American Smooth to (Love Is) The Tender Trap, and that meant she got to slowly dry hump her partner in a slightly larger scrap of fabric. And, we have to admit, it wasn’t bad, and could have got a perfect score if only her crazed wildcard rebel bad boy of a dancing partner Brenden Cole hadn’t broken the important ‘two lifts only’ rule. And, much like fellow rule-breaker Jesus Christ, Brenden got punished for it by the otherwise-impressed Strictly Come Dancing judges: “You put three lifts in, and the rules are only two. That performance could’ve been a ten, and now we’ll have to mark it down.” SCORE – 34; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 50/1

Gethin Jones – Gethin honestly has one of the hardest jobs on Strictly Come Dancing – as a children’s TV presenter he can’t really allow himself to do anything too sexual for fear of kickstarting some awful pre-pubescent sexual awakening across the land. As such, all of Gethin Jones’ Strictly Come Dancing routines – like Saturday’s samba to More Than A Woman – have all the spark of a drizzly day in Milton Keynes sponsored by bromide. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t terrible – it was just there, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges could barely find anything to say about it, peaking at “No bounce whatsoever, sadly, and your voltas were absolutely terrible.” They could replace Gethin with a slab of meat on a skateboard next week and we don’t think anyone would really notice. SCORE – 26; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 18/1

Letitia Dean – If dancing is a reflection of sexual performance, then sex with Letitia Dean must be terrifying, purely because of the ‘raunchy’ face she pulls when she dances an energetic routine – it makes her look like an out of breath apple leering at a field of cows. But on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing Letitia got to do an American Smooth to Makin’ Whoopee, which meant she didn’t have to pull the scary sex face very often. As a result, the Strictly Come Dancing judges didn’t shudder so much and actually seemed to enjoy it: “A touch of class with a sprinkle of camp always works – just watch the shoulders.” SCORE – 31; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 7/1

Penny Lancaster – On the previous Strictly Come Dancing, Penny Lancaster messed up her routine badly enough to stop being a contender on the show, so this week she came back to a samba to These Boots Are Made For Walking with the purpose of proving a point. That point admittedly seemed to be that she could a) walk provocatively while shaking her boobs and b) wear less clothes than anyone else, but she proved it anyway, booby-shaking and buttock-displaying her way back into the running again – which we’re hoping isn’t a plan that Dominic Littlewood plans to use at any point. Anyway, it impressed the Strictly Come Dancing judges and no mistake: “there will be weeks where a certain dance doesn’t suit you, as we saw last week. There’ll be other weeks where the dance is right up your alley, and that was one.” SCORE – 32; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 10/1

Matt Di Angelo – Our worst fears are coming true. Matt Di Angelo, a boy so self-satisfied that he probably leaves a trail of slime wherever he goes – is actually getting good at Strictly Come Dancing. After his American Smooth to For Once In My Life, the Strictly Come Dancing judges said to Matt that he was “absolutely fantastic. Debonair, smooth, nice hands. I loved it!” That’s clearly the completely wrong thing to say to someone like Matt Di Angelo because he’ll probably start turning up to the studio in a throne-like sedan chair carried by slave boys now. No, the way to control Matt Di Angelo is to break his spirit with insults. And, if need be, iron rods. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds -33/1

Next week: back to X Factor betting odds – But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.