If any of you thought that the new hecklerspray would be dangerously different or bravely exciting, here’s some reassurance – it isn’t. And, look, here’s the proof.

It’s our seven-millionth annual look at the Eurovision Song Contest! Between now and May we’ll be running down each and every stinking entry in this year’s Eurovision. Some will be good. Some will be awful. Some will be written by Andrew Lloyd-Webber and so will automatically come under the subsection ‘awful’. But we’ll be here with you at every step.

So let’s start by looking at the 2009 Eurovision entry by Kejsi Tola of Albania…

Albania · Kejsi Tola, Take Me Into Your Dreams

Sensible girl, Kejsi Tola. Only 16 years old and, from what pictures we’ve seen of her, always dressed in preparation for bad weather, Kejsi Tola is performing a song called Take Me Into Your Dreams at this year’s Eurovision. Having said that, though, we wouldn’t recommend that you watch the accompanying video. This is for two reasons: 1) it sounds like the noise a bad Japanese arcade game from the mid-1980s makes when you reach a boss level, and 2) Kejsi will be singing it in English, but no English lyrics have actually been written yet. Albania, if you’re reading, have these with our compliments: “Take me into your dreams/ I love to be in your dreams/ Unless it’s a sex dream of course/ Partly because I’m only 16 which might be illegal in Albania although it might not be/ And partly because my fringe is all messed up and it’d be wishful thinking on my part.” You’re welcome, Albania. You’re welcome.

Tomorrow: Andorra’s Eurovision entry! Hooray!

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!