Here at hecklerspray, we take stalking very seriously indeed. So seriously in fact, we spend all of our bingo winnings on really hi-tech night vision goggles making sure all those celebrities are safe from harm while undressing in front of their bedroom windows at night.

However, in the days before Tom Cruise was the only slightly sinister man to follow Nicole Kidman around, she has revealed that she was once stalked as a teenager.

This wouldn’t have happened on our watch.

She took time out from kissing that cowboy fella to say:

“It was my most frightening experience at that age.  I had a man who would follow me around – older, with long grey hair.”

“He found out where I lived and would phone me. He would just sit in a pub across the road and watch – then tell people he was a friend of mine.”

Having Gandalf peek at you from behind a lamp-post must be terrifying for anyone but knowing he’s already knocked back 6 glasses of Lambrini in the pub beforehand is the very essence of nightmares.

TELL THE POLICE KIDMAN, YOU FRAIL WOMAN!!. FOR THE LOVE OF G……Oh you did.

“The police talked to him, but they said they couldn’t do anything until he did something to me. You never know how bad these people are going to be.”

So the rubbish rozzers did nothing and she was so outraged and determined not to be put in that position again, she went down the self-preservation route by becoming internationally famous, marrying lots of short famous people and spending her entire life in the public eye so that no-one would ever follow her or become obsessed with her ever again. Oh if we only understood what irony meant we’d probably use that word here.

She successfully filed a restraining order against some other nutjob in 2001.

Result.

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Each time Nicole Kidman has set foot outside over the last couple of years, the world has peered at the outline of her belly and openly wondered how many babies she had stashed inside it.

Sadly, most of the time Nicole Kidman had zero babies in her belly, with the stomach lumps probably either being nothing more than either trapped wind or a distortion caused by her stomach housing three semi-digested edamame beans instead of the usual two. But now, finally, Nicole Kidman has managed to get pregnant with help from her overpolished country singer husband Keith Urban. Nobody knows what sex Nicole Kidman's baby will be, or even when it's due, but we honestly couldn't be more thrilled for Nicole and Keith. Keith especially, because soon Nicole Kidman will be so busy looking after her tot that she won't notice if he goes out and gets drunk every now and then.

People often look at Nicole Kidman and think she's got it all – a successful movie career, ginger hair, an alcoholic husband, an advert for perfume where she gets to twitter "I'm a dancer! I love to dance!" like a confused pensioner in a dingy retirement apartment, a lucrative Nintendo DS endorsement deal, a face that's been botoxed so heavily that the only emotion she's able to convey is 'vague distress' – but you're wrong. Nicole Kidman hasn't got a baby.

We know that Nicole Kidman hasn't got a baby because – in addition to the daily onslaught of paparazzi photos showing Nicole Kidman's stomach jutting out a tenth of a millimetre further than usual accompanied by the near-hysterical headline 'Is Nicole Kidman Pregnant This Time Or Are We Just Fucking About With You As Usual?' – it's all she ever bloody goes on about.

Back in 2006 Nicole Kidman told the world that she wanted a flipping baby immediately, but since then it's been disappointment all the way. It was announced in March that Nicole Kidman wasn't pregnant, and then announced in August that Nicole Kidman still wasn't pregnant. In September Nicole Kidman subverted the form slightly by saying that she got pregnant once but then miscarried, but all we got after that was nothing but radio silence on the matter.

Now, though, the impossible has happened – Nicole Kidman is pregnant. It's great news, primarily because it means we won't have to keep giving you month-by-month accounts of the state of Nicole Kidman's ovarian tract, and it was confirmed by Nicole Kidman's slave-people yesterday:

“Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban confirmed today that they are expecting a baby. The couple are thrilled.”

Nicole Kidman hasn't confirmed the pregnancy herself, but we suppose she doesn't have to now. The pregnancy means that Nicole has dropped out of her forthcoming movie The Reader, a movie that actually sounds as if it might be rather good. It's just a shame that Nicole Kidman didn't get pregnant during the production of Bewitched, then. Or The Golden Compass. Or The Stepford Wives. Or The Invasion. Or Practical Magic. Or The Peacekeeper. Or Batman Forever.

But now isn't the time to make cheap cracks at Nicole Kidman's bizarre movie choices – now is the time to celebrate Nicole Kidman finally getting what she's always longed for by becoming pregnant. And while we're at it, it's also time to celebrate Katie Holmes, because this news means that there'll soon be another child in the world who'll refer to her as 'Mom'.

That's the tradition, right?

Read more:

’Golden’ girl Nicole is pregnant, rep confirms - Boston Herald