Alexander the Great was forced to ever expand his empire because he kept running out of nations to fight and conquer.

Similarly, Lily Allen has had pointless, bitchy fights with the entire alphabet of celebrities and now she is forced to create a whole new generation of famous people to hurl abuse at from the safety of her MySpace page (and yes, before you start I do realise the irony inherent in that statement).

She’s knocked up, is what I’m trying to say. Congratulations, and so forth.

It turns out that Lily Allen pulling out her commitments in the Glastonbury and Benicassim festivals last month wasn’t because they’d realised that they had accidentally booked a tri-nippled dwarf with a mockney accent who, if the light should catch her the correct way, looks disturbingly like her father, and now you can’t not see it.

It’s like that optical illusion where it could be a man in a hat, or it could be an Eskimo looking into a cave, and once you’ve seen the second one you can’t get it out of your head. And now you’re stuck imagining having sex with her, playing Russian Roulette, knowing that at any second she could incline her head the wrong way, or be caught by the light in such a way that you’re now having sex with Keith Allen and you can’t just stop, you’d feel awkward and rude not finishing, so you carry on, feeling dirtier and dirtier until you are basically committing sexual abuse on yourself, which is novel, but there just won’t ever be enough cleaning solvents.

No, she probably pulled out because her boyfriend didn’t. The Sun rubs its knees and proclaims:

Chart star Lily Allen and boyfriend Sam Cooper are expecting their first child. Thrilled Lily, 25, and Sam, 32, broke the news to friends and family at the weekend after having a three-month hospital scan.

It took three months just to scan her? Jesus. Guess the nipple thing is just the start of her abnormal biology. Fingers crossed that all that scanning hasn’t done irreparable damage, and that it comes out with a normal number of nipples. And doesn’t release any rubbish albums.

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Ex-pop-singing-sensation Lily Allen’s father (or – as he was once known – ‘Keith Allen’) has told one ‘n’ all he’s of the fancy that our Lady Diana, Princess of Wales, did not die because of some arbitrary misfortune, but that she was in fact dealt the somewhat more illegal misfortune of murder.

Just what is the man thinking? How does he grow such testicles?
    
According to The Royalist, ex-pop-singing-sensation Lily Allen’s father (let us call him EPSSLAF) has gone on record to say:

"To this day I absolutely believe that it wasn’t an accident. I just know."

And if he doesn’t believe it was an accident, it remains only that he believes it was murder. He doesn’t appear to have elaborated on what ground he has to stand on as of yet, merely that he ‘just knows’.

A friend of Diana’s has retorted. To the Daily Mail, she said:

"It has been over 10 years and surely even he must acknowledge that we have had the most thorough of investigations. We believe nothing further can be achieved by going over ground that has now been thoroughly discredited."

Princess Diana’s case, and indeed Dodi Al Fayed’s and Henri Paul’s case, lest we forget, has been thoroughly investigated by some of Britain’s most senior judges, ergo some of the wisest, most trustworthy people in the world – ask yourself why else they would be there? Do you doubt your country?

Why would a country that bestows such delicacies as a roast dinner, The Antiques Roadshow and Alan Titchmarsh into your homes ever allow injustice to operate at such a high level? It wouldn’t. Trust, relax, forget and move on.

EPSSLAF’s comments come as news that friends of the late Princess Diana’s are, via letter, urging Mohamed Al Fayed to ‘stop saying there was a murder plot carried out by British Intelligence on the orders of Prince Philip’ – an opinion EPSSLAF has heard off Mr. Al-Fayed first hand. Interviewed for 2005 Channel Four documentary You're Fayed, Mohammed told EPSSLAF:

"All that happened to me was after the murder of my son and Diana. I challenge the bastards who done this to me, MI6, and all the time say this is by order of the Royal Family."

Lord Justice Scott Baker, coroner of the relentless case, has condemned and dismissed Mr. Al-Fayed’s theories. Even Mr Al-Fayed’s legal team have taken a step back.

And now it’s time EPSSLAF did so too.  No one cares anymore, Keith. Vindaloo was 12 years ago. Instead of spreading mad conspiracies, why not prepare your daughter for the same. (That is prepare her for 12 years of vacuousness – not a murder plot).

EPSSLAF has been making a feature-length documentary about Al-Fayed and the inquest, which he plans to premier at the Cannes Film Festival on May 14.

Story by Rupert Prickhard-Pamplin

Read More – Actor Declares: 'I Think Diana Was Murdered' – The Royalist

Read More – Allen's father to make documentary about Al-Fayed – Yahoo! Music News