Worrying reports are beginning to reach the hecklerspray news desk of spontaneous combustion among children.
Reports so far are sketchy but it is thought that the exact demographic affected is girls & boys between the ages of 11 & 17. Parents are being advised to keep their children away from the internet for the foreseeable future to limit the risk of catastrophic explosion.
Experts have warning that if the spread of these fiery paroxysms isn’t stemmed immediately, it could lead to a cataclysmic chain reaction that could- if predictions are accurate- wipe out all human life on the planet, leaving Earth in the paws of Dormice.
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Ke$ha, the insanely irritating popstar with a voice like a thousand nails on a blackboard, has seemingly grown something resembling a heart as she looks out toward to good people of Japan and thinks “you’ve really suffered enough”.
As such, she’s decided to cancel her upcoming tour of Japan after the country was hit with a catastrophic earthquake and tsunami.
While the country grieves and suffers continued quakes, they certainly don’t need to hear someone singing about ‘Glitter Puke’ or performing the immensely grating ‘Blah Blah Blah’.
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Assume for a moment that Ke$ha’s decision to ‘hand out’ 10,000 condoms at her upcoming tour doesn’t mean that she plans to have sexual intercourse with every man at her show either in a group or using some sort of complex system usually reserved for queues at Delicatessens. Have you assumed that? Good- it’s important legally.
Now assume for a moment that pop-twat Ke$ha’s decision to hand out 10,000 condoms emblazoned with her smug, self-involved, dripping mess of a face is in fact an invitation for every man at her show (straight, gay or just idiotic) to come backstage, queue up and turn her inside out.
Have you assumed that? Good- it’s important for comedy.
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Ke$ha might have to hand over that dollar sign to her former management firm (thereby making her Ke-Ha, which is an even more stupid name than Ke$ha) who are saying that she owes them loads of money. Hopefully, she won’t be allowed to sing while the whole legal thing goes through.
Unlikely of course, but the management firm is asking the singer to cough-up $14 million, which is astonishing. How on Earth can they claim to have earned that?
Now we think of it, they probably deserve double because they’ve managed to polish a turd AND make a silk purse from a sow’s ear at the same time.
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Pop brat, Ke$ha, is one of the most blissfully unaware popstars we’ve ever had. There’s not even the vaguest trace of self-awareness about her. She’s drapes herself over the nearest solid object, giving everything the eye. She knows she looks sultry – we all think she looks drunk. Essentially, she’s that hammered divorcee pouting at teenagers in a nightclub – all the time.
And while she’s been party to some very catchy choruses, there’s something impressively dislikeable about her. She really is a repugnant little shit and manages to rile everyone up with an admirable lack of effort.
With that, would you like to see a photograph of her (allegedly) with a man poking his tongue up her front-bum? Read More >>>
Separating the sweet, juicy flesh from the stone and skin of this week’s major label releases.
Look, treat us easy, okay? We’ve overdone it a little bit on all the good stuff that’s bad for you. The wine, the eggnog, the…gingerbread? Seriously?
Whatever, point is we’re barely up for this at the moment. But that’s okay, because the music industry feels exactly the same way. Just like us, they are about to spend the next week dribbling out a piss-poor facsimile of real work, treading water until the big old grey boy up there in his bony cage gets himself sorted out again.
Here’s yer feckin’ Mango. Read More >>>
