Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry!  Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.

So, we’ve all had our run-ins with the ol’ Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven’t we?  O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.

Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.

Here at hecklerspray, in a brand new feature, we hope to eradicate all that shame, and take Twitter back to the haven that it once was when it started all the way back when in 2006, when times were simpler, and Twitter looked like this.

We have taken it upon ourselves, and only us alone, (like that bit in The Matrix where they let Keanu Reeves have some lunch on a bench because he didn’t feel like chatting) to sort out this whole sorry mess, in a mature, selfless and all manner of sexy way, and single handedly try and solve every single  problem one of our HAPPYFACE-challenged celebrity friends have found themselves taking to Twitter for help this week.  Or about five or six or something. Come on.

GLADIATORS READY.

@Christine Bleakley: “How amazing were our celebs tonight. The best bunch ever xx”

Phew.

Hey Christine, welcome to hecklerspray!

Although this isn’t strictly a question, we think we see what you’re trying to say. You feel so overwhelmed by the plight of the celebrity subconscious that you are fearful you won’t live up to your standards. Like those press cars shrieking down that secluded French alley that brutally butchered the Princess of Wales: not with flying bits of metal and internal bleeding: But with curiosity. Yes, we totally understand. We get that too. We just don’t varnish or try and be happy. So, as you were saying, Christine. You’re really worried about dying. Well Christine, no one wants to die. But unfortunately, we all do – but never fear. In these waking moments before the inevitable strikes, we suggest spending time with loved ones, cancelling all your TV contracts if needs be, and just getting the most Christine Bleakley can get out of being Christine Bleakley.

If you’re curious now, we hear freezing to death is actually quite euphoric. Thanks for writing in.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.”

Ah, well that’s very good news, Julian. You clearly appreciate good cosmetics. Not all problems have to be bad. Thanks for checking in.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.“

Oh.

@thekeithchegwin: “What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?”

Hi there Keith.

We don’t know!

@thekeithchegwin: “Half of Essex“

Ah we see. Very amusing.

@SnoopDogg: “wat u on 2day? it’s #puffpuffpasstuesdays!!“

@Dane Bowers: “Why do people always point out miskeyed tweets or misspelling?! So what! Keys are pretty close together people! Bore off!!“

Dear Dane,

Come on, sport. It’s not like you to get all boiled up in such idle pedantry. Just think of what championed wordsmith Hunter S Thompson, or Dane Bowers might say! Oh wait – how embarassing. THAT’S YOU! Just remember, it’s important to keep face (Especially your lovely one with all that Dane Bowers molecular structure all over it. Phwoar.) at times like this. So somebody ‘miskeyed’. Big whoop. We’re sure even Queen Elizabeth or Stevie Wonder did once too.  Just remember, you always will be the one who wrote ‘Shut Up And Forget About It’ in 2009, Dane. That will never not be you.

“Hope your silicone bursts
You’ll never get signed
But I feel sorry for you
‘Cause your baby is blind”

@MissAmyChilds: “Really random bit I must be the only person that doesn’t like nandos x”

Hi Amy,

We have to say we were rather moved by this. It’s not every day you get a celebrity quite as upbeat and up for a laugh as yourself on Twitter these days. And considering you look mid-arterial embolism 80% of the time, it makes what you have had the guts to tell us here even more admirable.

So, feeling left out from the pack. Amy, this is unfortunately commonplace, especially for a girl with your particular choice of zany hue for a hair colour. First and foremost, the thing to know is this: It’s not your fault. Nandos does serve, admittedly, quite a lot of chicken. And hey, not everyone likes chicken. The key thing to remember is this does not make you a freakish bog-eyed ITV2 psychopath. It does not. Far from it. As for those people who say that all neutral flavoured things transgress back to tasting like chicken? Nought but lonely young boys with eating disorders whom’s nerves have been deadened by the lack of a motherly touch, pretending the air surrounding Robin Williams is actual food. So we’d say you have the edge on them at least, Amy.

@Only1AlexReid: “Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak”

Sorry Alex, we’re just not emotionally stable enough to deal with this right now.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.”

Oh GOD FINE. We’ll deal with the Alex Reid thing.

@Only1AlexReid: “Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak”

Dear Alex,

All of that is amazing and we know it must be hard having a baby with Chantelle Houghton. Especially with Beyonce and Jay Z copying your exact idea and then writing cruel songs about how Beyonce can’t have a miscarriage because she’s magic. As for all of the other things you mentioned. Well it’s fairly easy to decipher.

WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORGSIJSOISJPSOIKSO

Christ…

And there you have it, another week of celebrity mishaps all cleaned up. If you come across any lost souls, collecting their jars of hearts, tearing their love apart because they’re going to catch a cold from the ice inside their soul, then please do not hesitate to email in or leave a comment, and you could be saving a life too. Such as Michael Barrymore and his constant conquest to get in touch with Dara O’Briain. And remember, Dr Heckle is only licensed to deal with menial problems such as these. For emotional health and race hate, go to Dear Deidre.

Goodnight!

It is a truth passed down from generation to generation amongst Hollywood’s glittering elite. There’s no reason to make something if you can remake something. Hollywood film executives are willing to remake or reboot any film or franchise in the pursuit of artistic fulfilment*.

From tat like The Day The Earth Stood Still to horror classics like Dracula, it’s nigh-on impossible to escape the pervasive influence of the Hollywood remake in modern cinema. Hollywood is even willing to remake remakes and reboot reboots. One need only look at the treatment of The Incredible Hulk & Spiderman to see that Hollywood’s pursuit of film-making perfection** is a rolling juggernaut of epic proportions.

These big-money remakes of classics usually focus on films and characters that are omnipresent in the minds of the public, encouraging a sense of anticipation as idiots clamber over one-another to see the first teaser trailer on Youtube, while cynics raise their flared nostrils skywards and sniff loudly that it’s never going to be as good as the original.

Even the ‘modern classics’ aren’t safe. Those films that people loved as children for being cheese-filled romps full of dance sequences and genuinely awful dialogue are being recreated for the Glee generation. Just look at Footloose, a film so terrible the first time around that both Kenny Loggins & Kevin Bacon still have night terrors where they’re being chased around a small town by the blood-vomiting, putrefying corpse of John Lithgow. Now it is the turn of 1991 Surf ‘Em Up, Point Break to fall into the crosshairs of the Hollywood snipers.

Say what you want about the original Point Break; it’s not terribly good but it’s not terribly terrible. It is, without a doubt, one of those films that people remember fondly until they sit down to watch it one night and realise that they’d rather be face down in a shell-hole being stabbed in the back by a rusty bayonet than watching Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze play some hard-surfing, hard-loving, hard-men with Gary Busey thrown in to really ramp up the crazy factor.

Therefore, it’s the perfect film for Hollywood’s razor-taloned vultures to get involved with.

The remake has been picked up by Warner Bros & Alcon Entertainment who seem keen to get the film cranked out as quickly as possible, presumably in order to give it that rough, unprepared, ill-conceived notion that runs through most modern cinema. Yes, it really is a golden*** generation.

The film doesn’t have a director yet but movie-goers should have no fear. It already has a screenplay by Kurt Wimmer. Kurt Wimmer is the man behind 2010′s Angelina Jolie vehicle Salt. A statement released by Alcon Entertainment said, amongst other things:

“Kurt’s take infuses the story and characters with new twists and settings. We’re very excited to be in business with Kurt, and Michael DeLuca, Chris Taylor, and John Baldecchi.”

This is Kurt Wimmer the man who- in case you missed it- wrote Salt, one of the least original films ever made by human hands. Luckily for Wimmer it would have been the least original film ever made but Tom Cruise had to drop out of the part and it was hastily re-written for Angelina Jolie.

Anyone unfamiliar with Wimmer’s work should watch any Steven Seagal film, replace the strong male protagonist with a strong female protagonist and imagine a twist that’s as insultingly blatant as asking a young police constable to hold your passport while you beat his grandmother about the head using his own truncheon.

We can only assume that these are the twists to which the Alcon Statement refers. We can only hope that the new Point Break will follow Salt’s lead and include an obvious set-up for a sequel which it will never get.

*Cash

**Money

***Bullion

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For many years, it seems that Keanu Reeves has resented the Bill & Ted franchise. He’s been keen to show us all that he can say “WHOA!” in serious films like The Matrix and Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Oh, and let us not forget the action-packed daftness of the Speed films.

He was also in a band called Dogstar who, unfortunately, would be heckled hugely during gigs. At one Glastonbury performance, Keanu stepped up to the mic and said, very seriously, “we’re going to do a number by one of our favourite bands…”. Sadly, no-one heard him say “The Beatles” because thousands of people replied with “WILD STALLIONS!” before breaking into an impression of a guitar being shredded.

However, it seems that Keanu Reeves is now liking the idea of revisiting the Bill & Ted movies.

Reeves’ Bill & Ted co-star, Alex Winter, recently revealed that discussions were under way for a third movie, after Reeves himself had stated that he was “trying” to bring the duo back to the big screen.

Apparently, the pair are talking to writers Chris Matheson and Ed Solomon over a possible Bill & Ted project.

Reeves said:

“We’re trying. Alex and I are still friends and we’re talking, and we’re talking to Chris and Ed. They’re going to try and see if they can write something.

“To me, I’d love to play the role. I’d love to work with Alex and Chris and Ed again. We’ll see what they do. I’m meeting people now – they’ve shown the film to their kids. We just seek to entertain.”

Reeves then jokes that German art house director Werner Herzog would take charge of the movie.

Impersonating Herzog, Reeves said:

“I was just pushed by the idea of this innocence being confronted by the nihilism of the world. And I thought that these two clowns could push our perspective of reality and truth to the forefront of meaning and knowledge.”

See? He’s not a joyless chump at all!

It’d be interesting to see how the two characters have grown. Here’s to hoping it resembles one of the segments in The Simpsons when Bart and Millhouse grow older, fatter and sport ill-advised ear-rings.

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As we all know, it’s rude to insult the dead. They’re dead. They can’t hear what you’re saying, and they can’t be rude back. Plus, it’s probably quite disrespectful, because, you know, they’re dead. Come on. What kind of person are you?

Anyway, the point is that we’re not going to say anything rude about Heath Ledger‘s English accent in The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus, because he’s dead, and it would be a cheap shot. Instead, we’re going to list some other attempted accents, that may or may not be worse than Heath’s, whilst kind of hinting that perhaps they were better. What we’re not going to do is come out and say that his accent was totally rubbish. We’re not that cruel. We would never say that. Ever.

The man’s dead.

Here are some other appalling stabs at sounding English…

1. Forest Whitaker, The Crying Game

For those who haven’t seen it, The Crying Game is mainly remembered for the scene where that couple start snogging. He’s feeling her boobs, she’s groaning like a lady does in those situations, it’s all getting pretty sexy. Then an unexpected penis falls from her knickers, everyone starts dry puking, and your friends start screaming and shouting at you to turn it off. It’s kind of an event movie in that sense. But before all of that, you do get the chance to hear Forest Whitaker chew his way through a London accent, like a chimney sweep eating a toffee. Not great.

2. Mischa Barton, St Trinian’s

Not the hardest working actress on the circuit, Mischa Barton actually claims to be English. And yet, when cast as an English girl in St Trinian’s, her portrayal appears to involve speaking in perfect American for nine words out of ten, before attempting something that sounds part-English/part-racist for exactly one word. It’s the equivalent of an Englishman’s ‘American’ consisting of no accent whatsoever, but the word “shucks” bookending every sentence. Lazy.

3. Keanu Reeves, Dracula

It never feels quite right, mocking Keanu Reeves. It’s a bit like poking a fat kid in the stomach, and repeatedly going “hey tubby” with every prod. It’s like bullying. His life is probably hard enough already, what with him being an atrocious actor and everything. So we’re not going to say too much about his attempts at the Queen’s English, beyond JESUS MAN! WTF?? Someone PAID you for this? That’s it, we’re all going to kill ourselves.

4. Marlon Brando, Mutiny on The Bounty

Such a wonderful actor, that Marlon Brando. No one will ever forget him buttering up that woman’s less mainstream orifice in the movie about France, nor the time he came in and out of pools of light in Apocalypse Now, looking really rather creepy. And neither, sadly, shall we ever forget the time he clumsily attempted to sound like an educated Englishman, but came across rather more as a wealthy landowner who was about to rape you, whether you liked it or not, in Mutiny on The Bounty.

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from lovely lovely Interestment

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Some might think the hardest part about being Keanu Reeves is hair management. Those who think this are right.

Others think the hardest part about being him is that he’s so fertile he can’t help but impregnate everything he touches – including houses, plants and that sticky brown stuff in the bottom of your fridge. With that in mind it becomes slightly easier to believe a woman who claims Keanu fathered all four of her children from deep inside a late night TV showing of the original Speed movie.

That’s not an exact quote, mind you, but it’s in the ballpark.

If any of you ladies have been wondering – Keanu Reeves is probably a terrible father. He doesn’t take his kids to baseball games, doesn’t check their homework, and for Pete’s sake he hasn’t once cleaned up their sick even when he’s the one standing closest to the mop.

But perhaps that’s only true when he’s not actually related to the kids these crazy ladies keep trying to throw onto his family tree. One woman, for instance, claims he is definitely the sperm donor for her four children. It all seems pretty Michael Jackson-ish, actually. Her name is Karen Sala, and although Reeves’ lawyers deny outright that any of these baby-making allegations are true, she swears they are. Here’s an exact quote from the woman:

“He (Reeves) doesn’t stay away, he constantly comes and checks up and everything. It’ll come out. The truth is a strange thing and sometimes no one’s prepared for it… It will come out. You have to have faith.”

Well hang in there, lady. And if it ends up Reeves is legally freed from parental responsibility, well maybe Richard Gere is the father or something. She should probably follow him with a sandwich bag until he spits out some DNA-soaked chewing gum or something.

And if it ends up Reeves really is the father, well that really won’t matter for long. All he’ll have to do is get in a phone booth, travel back in time and successfully convince himself to not bring those bottles of cheap wine and a VHS copy of Point Break over to that extremely fertile lady’s house on at least four distinct occasions.

While he’s back there he might as well tell himself not to make the second two Matrix movies, that film where he fights all those devils, and his past self should definitely be told that flattening people with his Porche will only get him in court.

We’re just saying.

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10 - Everyone involved in the making of this video is probably sterile now but, hey, neat trick…

9 - We all like rubbishy superheroes, don’t we? Here’s some – OMGlists

8 - Read the Christmas stories of people you don’t even care about – Popsugar

7 – Will Smith‘s not a Scientologist or anything. He just likes to leave big tips for the silliest religious he can find - Huffingtonpost

6 - Remember that list of bad guitar solos from a week or two ago? Well here’s 100 of the sods – Guitarworld

5 - Want to meet the world’s greatest four-year-old? Then be our guest – Best Week Ever

4 - Six reasons why we may have woken up in a genuinely furious mood this morning – Divinecaroline

3 - A moderately funny video blasted into the realms of humanity by the inclusion of a Yakkety Sax soundtrack – I Am Bored

2 - A slideshow of all known Keanu Reeves facial expressions. SPOILER: it’s not a very long slideshow – NYmag

1 - Live in America? Watch the entire first episode of Flight Of The Conchords season 2. And then tell us what it’s like. Stupid America-only videos – Funnyordie

It says something about a movie when you come out of the cinema and realise Keanu Reeves was the best thing in it.

Making Keanu play a cold, emotionless, stagnant alien iin The Day The Earth Stood Still is almost typecasting but the role perfectly suits eanu’s unique brand of timbre.

However, unfortunately, the film around him is a mess.

Reeves plays Klaatu – an alien who has a zero tolerance attitude to global warming, so he comes to our planet to give us all a good ol’ slap on the wrists. What he didn’t count on, however (as the advertising tells us) is that this time we’re going to fight back.

It’s only human nature, of course. The first sign of life from another planet comes to visit us and reaches his hands out in a welcoming gesture, what else can we do?

We stomp that fool out and pop a cap in his ass. The reaction to the alien and the whole opening 20 minutes is alarmingly underwritten, with the army first picking up scientist/alien humanitarian Helen (Jennifer Connelly) who, for around five of the opening 10 minutes, doesn’t looked particularly shocked that the whole US Army have come to pick her up at her front door without an explanation.

Helen is immediately drawn to the ET and establishes an understanding that nobody else shares. The whole film then mixes between Helen driving Klaatu around on his guided tour of Earth, making various stops to help usher in the global apocalypse, while the government is all like “let’s blow this fucker up”, and when that doesn’t work they literally turn around confused and ask anybody else if they have any better ideas.

In the form of drama we have Helen dealing with the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Jnr, the step-son she’s left with after her husband passes away. Little Smith wisetalks and generally whines his way through the movie, showing that he has zero tolerance for anything remotely approaching decent characterisation and instead just copies his dad Will in Independence Day by just punching aliens in between smart-arse responses.

The film rolls around on clichés with as much dignity as it treats the original film. We are treated to broken families and gun-toting Americans led by Kathy Bates – looking like a cross between Amy Winehouse after a night out and Kermit the Frog – whose destructive attitude does the world no favours. The only real shining star, though, is John Cleese in an all-too-brief role as an intellectual type (because he listens to classical music and has a chalk board) who has a terrific scene with Klaatu.

Of course, though, this is the time of year when the supposedly more thought-provoking blockbusters are released and, like last year’s I Am Legend, the script finds it hard to balance action with drama.

But with ropey CG effects, like the well-designed new style GORT, the film feels sloppy and unfinished in places. Of course, as humans, the climatic scene of destruction was pleasing to our eyes as much as it would be to the drooling Neanderthals lurking within the average cinema audience.

Overall, a disappointed remake that alienates the viewer by a) not being faithful to the original and defying logic and originality for some people and b) not being action-orientated enough for everyone else.

The moral message in the end works well enough but underwhelms and gets oddly confused with a pro-war subtext.

Nevertheless, a good acting choice for Keanu – any film that makes him stand out as an actor can really only be a good thing for him.

[story by David Scarborough]

Like many people, we’ve often dreamt of jiggling around flashing lights into Keanu Reeves’ face as he attempts to drive a car.

But we’ve been too scared to do that, because of that paparazzo who claimed that Keanu Reeves mercilessly mowed him down while he was doing that exact same thing. But our days of worry are far behind us, readers – Keanu Reeves has been cleared of liability over the accident.

You know what that means? It means that Keanu Reeves didn’t run over photographer Alison Silva last year, yes, but mainly it means that we’re all allowed to be as infuriatingly intrusive towards Keanu Reeves while he’s in his car as we like, and he almost certainly won’t drive into us as fast as he can, shattering our pelvis into a million pieces. Almost certainly. Result!

It’s best to think of the paparazzi as big game hunters. That way you’ll realise that Lindsay Lohan is a common prey, like a slurring elk that hardly ever wears knickers, while Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are more like elephants because they’re massive and they’ll quite often attack anyone who gets too close to them.

And then there’s Keanu Reeves. Keanu Reeves is more like a mountain lion, for two reasons. One, he’s slippery and hard to track down and, two, he’s never knowingly displayed a recognisable human emotion. But let’s concentrate on the first one for the time being.

Because Keanu Reeves deliberately shuns the limelight as much as possible, the paparazzi can often find themselves getting over-excited in his presence. That’s what happened to photographer Alison Silva last year, when he attempted to grab a picture of Keanu Reeves in his car and ended up splattered across the tarmac.

At the time Silva claimed that Keanu Reeves had run him over, while Reeves himself said that Silva fell over of his own accord because he was so busy over-zealously clicking away into his little camera. With a depressing amount of inevitability the argument went to court, with Silva demanding $640,800 for medical bills and loss of earnings.

But yesterday Keanu Reeves was cleared of any liability in the accident, which means that Alison Silva can go and shove his loss of earnings up his tarmac-destroyed bottom. Reuters reports:

Actor Keanu Reeves was cleared on Monday of any liability for injuries a paparazzo claimed he suffered when he was struck by the actor’s car. A Los Angeles jury deliberated for about an hour in the civil lawsuit brought by photographer Alison Silva against the “Matrix” star before clearing Reeves.

Keanu Reeves hasn’t commented on the result of the case yet, and he really doesn’t need to, because just about everyone on the planet will assume that he’d just blanky murmur “woah,” and that’s probably about three or four times as eloquent as whatever he was planning to say anyway.

And, in time, Alison Silva will come to appreciate the fact that he lost his case. After all, had he won, Keanu Reeves would have taken on more work to recoup his losses, and we’re pretty sure that knowing you were ultimately responsible for Johnny Mneumonic 2 would be far more painful than the injuries you picked up slowly falling over in front of Keanu Reeves’ car.

You rarely see paparazzi pictures of Keanu Reeves, and that’s because the paparazzi are terrified of Keanu Reeves squishing them into liquid with his car.

Or it’s because Keanu Reeves is quite private and stuff. One or the other. But photographer Alison Silva probably thinks it’s the first one, because he’s suing Keanu Reeves for allegedly hitting him with his car last year, causing career-threatening injuries to his wrist which, coupled with the fact that he’s got a girl’s name, must have really ticked him off.

But yesterday Keanu Reeves showed up in court to spread some of the trademark Keanu Reeves moviestar razzle dazzle around and convince everyone otherwise. Sadly, the Keanu Reeves version of razzle dazzle involves standing around looking blank-faced and a bit confused and occasionally saying “woah.” We aren’t anticipating a good outcome for him.

There’s a deeply complex relationship between celebrities and the paparazzi. On the one hand the paparazzi financially gain from essentially endorsing the lumbering self-worth of the celebrities they follow and the result in beneficial to everyone. But on the other hand, sometimes Pierce Brosnan will thump a photographer in a car park.

It’s not just Pierce Brosnan, though – every now and again Kanye West will get angry and shove some photographers around too, or maybe Matthew McConaughey will get his surfer mates to rough them up a bit. Or, you know, Keanu Reeves could run them over or something.

Or not, because there’s a chance that Keanu Reeves doesn’t run photographers over. But that hasn’t stopped paparazzo Alison Silva from claiming that he did. Last March it was reported that Keanu Reeves bumped into Silva with his Porsche, and now Silva has sued Keanu for all the injuries and whatnot he gained from slowly falling to the floor in front of a barely-moving vehicle.

The upside of this is that Keanu Reeves got to go to court yesterday to refute Alison Silva’s claims, and it was a rare chance to see Keanu Reeves saying some words that he’d thought up himself, and that therefore didn’t obviously confuse him the instant they came out of his mouth. E! Online reports:

Under cross-examination, Silva’s lawyer, Joseph Farzam, tried to nail down the Matrix man on whether he really made an effort to avoid hitting Silva, asking Reeves if he used his horn or hand signals to get Silva to move. “He was in front of a starting car,” Reeves replied. “It’s common sense to me.”

Keanu’s argument seems to be that Alison Silva was walking backwards while trying to take pictures when he tripped and fell of his own accord. It might have happened. It might not have happened. Frankly that’s not for us to decide – and a good job too, because if it was then we’d probably try sawing our own legs off as a protest to the futility of our own lives.

But we hope that Keanu Reeves is telling the truth. Not because we trust and respect him as an actor and as a human being, but because we’re scared that if he loses this lawsuit he’ll make another Matrix film to recoup his lost money. Because, if the quality pattern of Matrix movies holds, The Matrix 4 will be so bad that watching it will feel like you’re being slapped with the guts of an infected Ebola monkey. So fingers crossed that doesn’t happen.