Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry! Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.
So, we’ve all had our run-ins with the ol’ Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven’t we? O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.
Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.
It is a truth passed down from generation to generation amongst Hollywood’s glittering elite. There’s no reason to make something if you can remake something. Hollywood film executives are willing to remake or reboot any film or franchise in the pursuit of artistic fulfilment*.
From tat like The Day The Earth Stood Still to horror classics like Dracula, it’s nigh-on impossible to escape the pervasive influence of the Hollywood remake in modern cinema. Hollywood is even willing to remake remakes and reboot reboots. One need only look at the treatment of The Incredible Hulk & Spiderman to see that Hollywood’s pursuit of film-making perfection** is a rolling juggernaut of epic proportions.
For many years, it seems that Keanu Reeves has resented the Bill & Ted franchise. He’s been keen to show us all that he can say “WHOA!” in serious films like The Matrix and Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Oh, and let us not forget the action-packed daftness of the Speed films.
He was also in a band called Dogstar who, unfortunately, would be heckled hugely during gigs. At one Glastonbury performance, Keanu stepped up to the mic and said, very seriously, “we’re going to do a number by one of our favourite bands…”. Sadly, no-one heard him say “The Beatles” because thousands of people replied with “WILD STALLIONS!” before breaking into an impression of a guitar being shredded.
However, it seems that Keanu Reeves is now liking the idea of revisiting the Bill & Ted movies.
As we all know, it’s rude to insult the dead. They’re dead. They can’t hear what you’re saying, and they can’t be rude back. Plus, it’s probably quite disrespectful, because, you know, they’re dead. Come on. What kind of person are you?
Anyway, the point is that we’re not going to say anything rude about Heath Ledger‘s English accent in The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus, because he’s dead, and it would be a cheap shot. Instead, we’re going to list some other attempted accents, that may or may not be worse than Heath’s, whilst kind of hinting that perhaps they were better. What we’re not going to do is come out and say that his accent was totally rubbish. We’re not that cruel. We would never say that. Ever.
The man’s dead.
Here are some other appalling stabs at sounding English… Read More >>>
Some might think the hardest part about being Keanu Reeves is hair management. Those who think this are right.
Others think the hardest part about being him is that he’s so fertile he can’t help but impregnate everything he touches – including houses, plants and that sticky brown stuff in the bottom of your fridge. With that in mind it becomes slightly easier to believe a woman who claims Keanu fathered all four of her children from deep inside a late night TV showing of the original Speed movie.
That’s not an exact quote, mind you, but it’s in the ballpark.
10 - Everyone involved in the making of this video is probably sterile now but, hey, neat trick…
9 - We all like rubbishy superheroes, don’t we? Here’s some – OMGlists
8 - Read the Christmas stories of people you don’t even care about – Popsugar
7 – Will Smith‘s not a Scientologist or anything. He just likes to leave big tips for the silliest religious he can find -Huffingtonpost
6 - Remember that list of bad guitar solos from a week or two ago? Well here’s 100 of the sods – Guitarworld
5 - Want to meet the world’s greatest four-year-old? Then be our guest – Best Week Ever
4 - Six reasons why we may have woken up in a genuinely furious mood this morning – Divinecaroline
3 - A moderately funny video blasted into the realms of humanity by the inclusion of a Yakkety Sax soundtrack – I Am Bored
2 - A slideshow of all known Keanu Reeves facial expressions. SPOILER: it’s not a very long slideshow – NYmag
1 - Live in America? Watch the entire first episode of Flight Of The Conchords season 2. And then tell us what it’s like. Stupid America-only videos – Funnyordie
It says something about a movie when you come out of the cinema and realise Keanu Reeves was the best thing in it.
Making Keanu play a cold, emotionless, stagnant alien iin The Day The Earth Stood Still is almost typecasting but the role perfectly suits eanu’s unique brand of timbre.
However, unfortunately, the film around him is a mess.
Like many people, we’ve often dreamt of jiggling around flashing lights into Keanu Reeves’ face as he attempts to drive a car.
But we’ve been too scared to do that, because of that paparazzo who claimed that Keanu Reeves mercilessly mowed him down while he was doing that exact same thing. But our days of worry are far behind us, readers – Keanu Reeves has been cleared of liability over the accident.
You know what that means? It means that Keanu Reeves didn’t run over photographer Alison Silva last year, yes, but mainly it means that we’re all allowed to be as infuriatingly intrusive towards Keanu Reeves while he’s in his car as we like, and he almost certainly won’t drive into us as fast as he can, shattering our pelvis into a million pieces. Almost certainly. Result!
You rarely see paparazzi pictures of Keanu Reeves, and that’s because the paparazzi are terrified of Keanu Reeves squishing them into liquid with his car.
Or it’s because Keanu Reeves is quite private and stuff. One or the other. But photographer Alison Silva probably thinks it’s the first one, because he’s suing Keanu Reeves for allegedly hitting him with his car last year, causing career-threatening injuries to his wrist which, coupled with the fact that he’s got a girl’s name, must have really ticked him off.
But yesterday Keanu Reeves showed up in court to spread some of the trademark Keanu Reeves moviestar razzle dazzle around and convince everyone otherwise. Sadly, the Keanu Reeves version of razzle dazzle involves standing around looking blank-faced and a bit confused and occasionally saying “woah.” We aren’t anticipating a good outcome for him.
Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry! Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.
As we all know, it’s rude to insult the dead. They’re dead. They can’t hear what you’re saying, and they can’t be rude back. Plus, it’s probably quite disrespectful, because, you know, they’re dead. Come on. What kind of person are you?
