Even though Katy Perry and Russell Brand’s marriage was something of a surprise, one good thing about it was that their idiocy was self-contained. They could spend time together being irritating toward each other, occasionally giving us plebians a rest. However, they went and spoiled it all.
Since the couple split, they’re about to unleash their OOOH AREN’T I DIFFERENT AND FUNNY AND QUIRKY on the world again, however, now it’ll be ramped up because they have something to prove to each other.
So now, the circus of who Brand and Perry will try and have sex with next is rolling into town. So step up the most irritating actress of a generation and a farcical god-fearing American footballerist!
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The big Christmas celeb-story was the Katy Perry/Russell Brand divorce announcement. For tabloids it had everything- she’s a lipstick lesbian and his addictive personality means that there has to be something either up his nose or on his dick at all times.
It’s been the latter for years now which has made him the thinking woman’s sexual predator of choice and a tabloid favourite.
What the tabloids don’t like is not having the sleazy details.
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Christians eh? They never say the right thing do they? That’s probably because they seek advice from a made-up God. You may as well ask Sooty to whisper wisdom in your ear or seek teachings from the sound of a conch shell.
And two Christians – notably the ones that gave birth to Katy Perry – have irritated their famous daughter by saying that her split with Russell Brand ain’t all bad because, as a result, there’s been increased interest in their missionary.
How delightful. Of course, the outspoken Katy isn’t having that and has tweeted a missive against them, or so it seems. It’s okay though. She can say what she wants. That’s because Christians are contractually obliged to forgive everyone, no matter what.
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When an ex-serial sex pest and constantly touring pop star get married, you can be assured that everything will end happily ever after, can’t you? With constant media coverage covering their every move like they’re some sort of wild animal, what could go wrong for Katy Perry and Russell Brand?
You have to question the actions of a couple who haven’t been together long since their Hindu ceremony just over a year ago. Not because we have anything against a religion that prays to elephants, but Katy Perry’s parents are devout Christians. So you’d at least think that her folks would want God to give the thumbs up over Ganesha.
As of yet, there have been no reasons given as to why the marriage collapsed. But before anyone suggests that the two simply drifted apart, wild theories are already being thrown around. Of course, we’re inclined to believe them, so imagine our surprise that Rihanna’s name has been named as one of the rotters who messed everything up.
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Hey! Did you hear about Russell Brand and Katy Perry spending Christmas away from each other? They haven’t been married very long have they? You’d think they’d want to spend the festives (aka Some Time Off Work) together, right?
Well, aside from the myriad of perfectly legitimate reasons why this happened, they’re quite obviously splitting up.
Why? Because that’s what everyone wants. Basically, they’ve got the temerity to appear rather fond of each other. Mercifully, there’s a source on-hand to tell us all otherwise, which is incredibly convenient.
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When celebrities get married, everyone turns into meddling grandmas, demanding offspring because our lives are so hopelessly empty that we need that brief moment of alleviating joy, lived vicariously through someone else.
Christ knows no-one wants to actually have sex with us, let alone have our children, right?
And the latest couple getting their groins shoved toward each other are Katy Perry and Russell Brand. They basically look like they’re having far too much fun as a couple and, as such, we must make them mature into parents… indeed, we must halt their leisure time immediately with shitty nappies, sleepless nights and silent seething.
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At the moment, ‘Sexy’ Dr. Conrad Murray is facing an uphill struggle in an American court as he and his team of lawyers attempt to prove he didn’t give Michael Jackson enough painkillers to take down a herd of elephants. The trial is barely getting started and we’re beginning to tire of boring experts telling us whether it was possible for Jackson to top himself.
Until surprise witnesses like the Cadburys Caramel Bunny are brought in for a testimony, we’re not really bothered about what’s happening.
However, in non-Michael Jackson criminal news, a ghoulish evening related to the king of pop is happening soon. That’s right, Hallowe’en is fast approaching. How about replicating Jackson’s famous ghostly pale appearance? Or going that extra mile and recreating his legendary wonky nose? You might think we’re taking a cheap shot at the Thriller video; but we’re not. He came up trumps according to search engine statistics.
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God, it’s been an exciting week, hasn’t it? All that meth and all those Curly Wurlys you’ve been eating. Your excitement has literally burnt through your eyes so you can fully necessitate new levels of awesome and amazingness and degenerative myopia.
Now to top it all off, it’s Boot Camp on the X Factor. It’s like all those wars and murders and hurricanes never really happened, when you think about it.
And hey! All that pesky retrograde amnesia we all happen to suffer from can be such a bother sometimes, can’t it? Thank the stars for ITV1, that they cater to our whims and remind us about what happened on every single X Factor episode (except for anything that could prove the continued existence of Kate Thornton) at the start of every new show. It’s just ever so helpful, because nothing really solves a problem like Maria brain trauma like an X Factor double bill as we always say.
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