It is a truth passed down from generation to generation amongst Hollywood’s glittering elite. There’s no reason to make something if you can remake something. Hollywood film executives are willing to remake or reboot any film or franchise in the pursuit of artistic fulfilment*.
From tat like The Day The Earth Stood Still to horror classics like Dracula, it’s nigh-on impossible to escape the pervasive influence of the Hollywood remake in modern cinema. Hollywood is even willing to remake remakes and reboot reboots. One need only look at the treatment of The Incredible Hulk & Spiderman to see that Hollywood’s pursuit of film-making perfection** is a rolling juggernaut of epic proportions.
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Now that it’s April, we don’t have to remember anything about what happened at The Oscars, and it’s beautiful.
We don’t have to remember the winners. We don’t have to remember the forced stage banter. In fact, aside from the speech where Sandra Bullock praised her husband without realising that he’d been secretly boning a tattooed Nazi fetishist on the sly, we don’t remember a single thing about The Oscars at all. But Sigourney Weaver does.
Sigourney Weaver remembers that her film Avatar hardly won any Oscars, even though it was prettier than everything else, more technologically advanced than anything else and had about 30 more offensive blue Jesus-aliens in it than anything else. Why does Sigourney Weaver think that Avatar fared so miserably at The Oscars – simple, it’s because James Cameron doesn’t have a vagina. Obviously.
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Last night’s Oscars set up a number of rivalries – Sandra Bullock vs Meryl Streep, Steve Martin vs Alec Baldwin.
Crippling tedium vs wanting to shoot yourself in the mouth. But perhaps the biggest Oscars rivalry of them all was Avatar vs The Hurt Locker. One a low-budget issue-led drama about modern warfare, the other the world’s most expensive PS3 cutaway scene. One a commercial juggernaut, the other a flop. One directed by a woman, the other directed by a man with woman’s hair, which is more or less the same thing. Which film would emerge from the Oscars triumphant?
Turns out it was The Hurt Locker. So, you know, it’s probably time to start pretending that you’ve already seen it and stuff.
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This week’s reasons to love/hate.
Folded:
- Kathryn Bigelow (she’s really old and hot too. Good on her)
- Kick-Ass (it’s fantastic! Or…)
- Oh, Henry (the coolest packaged chocolate bar ever. Can’t buy ‘em here. Stupid country)
- This photograph (that will never, ever, EVER get old)
- Make your pancakes this week (you didn’t bother last week, did you? Or the week before? Then make them this week instead you lazy urchin)
Creased:
- Cheryl Cole (stupid, stupid, stupid. Finally comes to her senses. But still stupid, stupid, stupid)
- Kick-Ass (…it’s rubbish! Maybe. We can’t tell you anything. Yet)
- Florence Welch (look up ‘hot body, weird face’ in the dictionary and there she’ll be)
- Assassins Creed Battle of Forli DLC (apart from some fun vulgar dialogue this is a waste of three quid, and that’s saying something)
- The cast of Glee doing anything whatsoever (the irony’s long gone)
