Katherine Jackson - HecklerSpray

The Marriage Of Katherine & Joe Jackson Is Deader Than Their Cold & Clammy Son

August 21st, 2010 By Shawn Lindseth

Well that’s it. The one true Hollywood love story is coming to a close.

Also Katherine & Joe Jackson are calling it quits after 60 years of marriage. As we understand it the last straw was when Katherine caught Joe belt-whipping Michael’s corpse and telling it to rot better. Because that’s supposed to be what he did while the boys would dance – get it? See what we did there?

The elder Jackson marriage is reportedly so done that even Dr. Conrad Murray wouldn’t be able to resuscitate it. Not that he’d try, mind you.

Michael Jackson?s Kids Go To School About 12 Years Too Late

June 21st, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

Venturing out to secondary school is a worry for everyone concerned.

For the parents, it's quite likely that their little tykes will be let off the safety leash and into the heartless hands of a 17-foot bully. Some of the more confident children will embrace the opportunity to make new friends. Others will simply steal small amounts of chemicals form the science lab and blow stuff up.

For the offspring of Michael Jackson, they have never had this opportunity. Not just in grown-up school, but in general life. It's almost like their father wanted to keep them in a cocoon where they?d be wrapped up and guarded from everything. To coincide with the first anniversary of her son’s death, Katherine Jackson has explained how she wants a normal life for her grandchildren. So there's the pet giraffes gone then, bitch.

Joe Jackson Blames Michael Jackson’s Death On His Wife

June 14th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

As shocking and sad as Michael Jackson’s death obviously was, at least one good thing has emerged from it.

Joe Jackson. Barmy old mad-eyed Joe Jackson. He’s just exceptional value as a human being. Whether he’s skulking around in the immediate aftermath of Michael Jackson’s death trying to promote CDs to the nearest camera crew or claiming that Michael’s estate needs to pay him $20,000 a month to cover his food and rent outgoings, Joe Jackson has been nothing less than a shining model of everything that’s brilliant about humanity.

Obviously since there’s just over a week to go until the first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death, Joe Jackson will no doubt keep himself to himself for the foreseeable… oh, no, our mistake – he’s just said that Michael’s death was all the fault of his wife Katherine Jackson. Whoops.

Michael Jackson: Joe Jackson Sadly Refuses To Violently Raise Kids

August 5th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If one positive has come from Michael Jackson’s death, it’s probably the fact that it’s made Joe Jackson famous again.

Because, unequivocally, that man is a hero. Joe Jackson proved that, armed with little more than steely focus and a refreshing openness to emotional and physical torment, any normal child can transform into a quivering, tragic, drug-addicted megastar. And after Katherine Jackson was awarded custody of Michael Jackson’s children, everyone secretly hoped that Joe Jackson would work his magic on them, too.

But it’s not to be. Joe Jackson has promised to only intermittently visit and/or terrify the children. Spoilsport.

Michael Jackson: The Doggone Girl (And Boys) Are Katherine Jackson’s

July 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So far the death of Michael Jackson has given a lot to his fans – but what if you’re a fan of giant anticlimaxes?

Don’t worry – Michael Jackson has you covered, too. Because the custody battle over Michael Jackson’s kids, which looked certain to be a scrap between Katherine Jackson, Debbie Rowe, the children’s biological parents and Diana Flipping Ross, is over. From now on, those kids belong to Katherine Jackson.

The children must be thrilled – because nobody’s more like Michael Jackson than Katherine Jackson. Apart from a half-melted waxwork figurine of a Munch painting, obviously, but that’d just be impractical.

Michael Jackson’s Family Get Stuck Into His Will

July 22nd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

They say that losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent, but that’s clearly rubbish.

Look at Michael Jackson‘s parents. They’re living proof that the worst thing that can happen to a parent is losing a millionaire child who wrote you out of his will because you used to mercilessly beat him all the time. But Katherine and Joe Jackson aren’t going to let a little thing like the dying wishes of their beloved son stop them from getting rich, so they’re contesting Michael Jackson’s will.

They waited for 27 days, for anyone running office sweepstakes.

Michael Jackson: The Gloomy, Neverending Custody Battle Starts Here

June 30th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When Michael Jackson died, it was generally feared that he’d leave an Anna Nicole Smith-style mess in his wake.

Luckily that hasn’t happened. Michael Jackson lived his life free of Anna Nicole-style controversy, there’s been no Anna Nicole-style mystery behind Michael Jackson’s death and there won’t be an Anna Nicole-style custody battle over Michael Jackson’s kids because they’re definitely his. We’re sure you’ll agree that’s a giant relief.

Wait a minute, Michael Jackson’s life was controversial, his death is a mystery and there’s likely to be the custody fight of the century over his children? Oh thank God for that.