Kate Middleton is now a blueblood. She’s married into the Royal Family, which gives her special dispensation from the law. She’s probably allowed to kill people and run over vicars with combine harvesters while setting fire to piles of tyres and griffins.
HOWEVER. She’s not like the rest.
Y’see, our Kate is willing to not only walk around us plebscum, but also, do it wearing clothes that you can buy from shops. Seriously. Someone should beatify her now…. if they do Protestant beatification that is.
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It must be hard being Pippa Middleton; trying to be a serious business woman and gallivanting around London, made all the more difficult because everyone knows you for being the one with the arse that stole your sister’s wedding day.
Poor, poor Pippa.
But a tabloid picture editor has come forward and announced that newspapers would be offered around 300 or 400 pictures PER DAY of the fitter Middleton, none of which are of her arse.
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Being a prince must be one of the best things in the world. It must be almost as good as being Prince. You can literally do anything you want. Life is one long breeze and you can absolutely abuse the power bestowed upon you. All the time. You can probably have people killed.
Sadly, Americans don’t have any royalty, so they naturally look towards Britain for their royal kicks. Or the Kardashians. It’s a mystery why: gone are the days when the King or Queen took part in a battle. Somehow we can’t see Prince Charles plotting genocide in Malta.
These days, those in line to the throne are perceived as everyday common folk who we can all relate to. Kate Middleton for example shuns her royal tiara and instead wears frocks from the highstreet. Third in line to the throne – Prince Harry - also indulges in an activity we all like to do, drinking booze. Granted, you’ll never see him in a Wetherspoons, but he will be there to look after his mates if it all kicks off.
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The Royal family split opinion more than whether psychic Sally can communicate with your dead Uncle Ray. Love them or loathe them, Queen Elizabeth II and her slightly racist husband Phillip won’t be going anywhere soon.
Wouldn’t you cling onto your life if you had the cushiest job in the known universe?
Of course, most see the royals as old and stuffy. No-one connected us to them. Then, a new generation arrived in the name of Prince William and Harry who got drunk in nightclubs and actually seemed to have a day job. However, Prince Harry continued his grandfather’s trend of being inappropriate by dressing as a Nazi. Before the royal wedding, Kate was loved by everyone. Magazines praised her style and she was regarded as “fitter” than Camilla. But on her big day, she was upstaged by her own sister, Pippa “the arse” Middleton. What’s she up to then?
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Good news for all you Royalist dicks out there. It turns out that Prince William, him what wed that “commoner” earlier this year, isn’t a complete waste of semen as reports are coming through that he’s managed to knock up his new wife. Congrats, eh?
According to a Buckingham Palace insider, some chatty US magazine has confirmed that royal couple are “relieved.”
Maybe the years of Royal inbreeding has shrivelled their genitals to the size of Walnut Whips? Perhaps the overwhelming worry that any child with a learning disability would be hidden away in the “Special Dungeon” deep below the Palace was too much to bear?
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Prince Harry is a very, very wealthy man. He could probably get people killed if he wanted to. It must be brilliant being him, even with the whole Not Sure Who My Dad Is Now You Mention It thing.
With all those coins, cars and boats at his disposal, it’s not difficult to imagine that Harry can’t move for tail. The ladies invariably throw themselves at him, with dreams of being a real life princess.
However, the press are adamant that Harry should have sex with his sister-in-law, Pippa Middleton. That’s right! The rags are courting these two, pressing their noses up at windows, overlooking a non-existent sex life. It’s astonishing. And now, it seems that Pippa ‘the arse’ Middleton is falling for it, hook line and sinker, playing out the role of nagging girlfriend before they’ve even had chance to buy condoms.
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Trolling the carcass of Princess Diana is a very, very easy thing to do. Diana has the kind of fans that Michael Jackson would be proud of – bug-eyed nutters who howl in anguish at any kind of negativity thrown their way.
However, riling up these devotees isn’t easy. They’ve heard it all before, willing to shrug off the lamer of the insults levelled at their idol. However, there’s some words being thrown at Diana which are expertly pitched.
How about the one where Lady Di gets called an “anorexic, bulimic narcissist”?
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Princess Diana was the Queen of our Hearts. Apparently. Quite why, no-one has ever really said. It would appear that she’s attained a lofty position in our affections because she was reasonably good looking and joined the glamorous Died Too Young Club.
Of course, if she’s in heaven looking down on us all, it is fair to say no-one wants to stand near her because half of her head is missing after she redecorated the inside of a French tunnel.
But what would she look like if she’d lived? Well, there’s no need to try and imagine that now as Newsweek have decided to recreate her with the miracle of computer software and plastered her wizened face on their front cover. No. Seriously. They have. Click over the jump to see her Royal Liverspottery.
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