At the heckerspray bedsit, there isn’t really a lot to look forward to. Life is, for the most part, despairingly grim. We can’t afford to eat. We can’t afford to go on strike. We can’t even manage the payments on our glue habit. It’s awful.

All we have is our dreams. Dreams are free… and really brilliant when you’ve been doing bags of glue for supper.

While our visions are nightmarish, other sleep soundly, dreaming of their heroes. People like Muse. People dream about those bozos. But for us, we dream of their disbandment. Forget the fact they’re a terrible concoction of Coldplay and Radiohead, but the unrock ‘n roll antics of the band just ain’t cool. We thought our prayers had been answered, but alas it was all a lie.

Everyone knows that the internet is the gateway to the universe. Once something is published on the World Wide Web, it’s one hundred percent fact, right? How many times can you say that the information super highway has lied to you?

Exactly.

Aside from the occasional internet hoax like celebrities dying, everything else can essentially be taken as fact.  Apart from spam emails. But other than, all facts, all the time.

So where did this supposed Muse breakup rumour come from? People normally dismiss speculation if the news breaks from a tumblr account or fan blog. At first glance, there seemed to be a bit of backbone in the story as indie rag the NME provided the coverage via their website. The headline said it all

“Muse call it quits after band argument spurs trouble.”

But on closer inspection – the sort that doctors do to see if you have lice -  there seemed to be something fishy about this Muse breakup. It seemed that it was nothing more than a fake webpage, giving people an initial thrill, before slowly being disappointed.

With so many pieces of bad news emerging, like the reformation of S Club 7 and The Stone Roses, it would have been kind of Muse to balance everything out by breaking up.

The selfish swines.

Face it, there are two categories of Muse fans. The first is the casual listener who knows the bands more famous songs – “Plug Me In Baby” and “Super Big Massive Black Hole.” Both are assisted with pretentious videos that makes them even more appealing to art students who deem a decaying lump of wood as something that represents humanity through natures harsh and ever changing elements as entertainment.

Then of course, there’s the mega-intense Muse fan who’ll own everything the band’s ever done and a little bit more. By that, we mean that they’ll have acquired enough of frontman Matt Bellamy’s bellybutton fluff to create a clone of him. How sweet.

People accuse Muse of being a second rate Radiohead. But we disagree, instead they’ve got the ability of making songs sound like going to explode into a fury of passionate noise, only to be let down by limp guitar work. Muse clearly know that they’re anyone with a set of ears and want to help people be better than time. The perfect reason to go to university.

But why have Muse decided to donate some instruments to Plymouth? After all, there’s nothing of any vague interest happening in the southern village. Well, there are sailors, but compared to Somali Pirates, they’re as terrifying as taking a bite out of a sausage sandwich and discovering that the middle is still raw.

We can only put it down to the local tourist board wanting to increase tourism to the hamlet so they have more to show off than the local wishing well, the woman who’s got six toes and the cat that barks like a dog.

Anyway, we all know that Matt Bellamy is little more than a Kate Hudson impregnator and ear troubler. And because of this, he’s decided to apologise to us all.

Basically, he’s offered a load of music equipment to the kids of Plymouth so that the students can spend their time learning how to play covers of “legendary” songs by groups such as Nirvana and the recently reformed Stone Roses (looking forward to hearing your version of “Full Fathom Five” kids!).

Though the Professor David Coslett, Dean of the Faculty of the Arts, at Plymouth University is happy. He said:

“The donation was a wonderfully generous gesture. We are proud to be associated with the band, given their significant contribution to contemporary popular music and their links to the South West and the University.”

One of two things will happening following this supposedly worthwhile donation. Either a gang of students will create music that isn’t middle class rap or annoyingly twee folk music. Or our deepest darkest fears will come true:

Muse like bands will multiply, slowly but surely taking over the world until we are forced to listen to smug music that’s just a knock off of a more successful band.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Everyone deserves an equal opportunity and these days we all can! Not just on a pay scale or employment wise, but for almost everything. Gone are the days when hecklerspray writer Kris Silver got funny looks for wearing ladies clothing in public. Now he is welcomed by society and not cast aside like an unwanted puppy at Christmas.

However, with bands such as Coldplay and U2, you rarely hear from anyone else who isn’t the lead singer. Chris Martin and Bono use their elevated platform to harp on about free trade and saving the world the poverty, all whilst being tax exiles.

Third rate indie rockers Muse suffer from the same syndrome and have to deal with Matt Bellamy taking all the glory. Sadly, he’s all loved up with Kate Hudson, so in a rare opportunity to speak out, members Dominic Howard and Chris Wolstenhome have spoken of their desire to move the band into a soft rock direction. Rock and roll mightn’t be the word.

Soft rock usually gives off all sorts of disgusting sounds; imagine the audio of two girls one cup but taken to the next level. People like Snow Patrol, Van Morrison and The Eagles come to mind when we think of soft rock. Basically, it’s music for your dad who still wants to remain cool and thinks that the music of his youth is still popular. He’ll read the copy of Vice magazine that’s been left around by their plebbish offspring and then make awkward conversation at the dinner table about a German leather enthusiast who makes his own bondage equipment. All whilst wearing purple skinny jeans.

Muse have always been one of those bands that we don’t really understand. Some of their songs such Glade Plug-In Baby and Super Big Massive Brown Hole weren’t that bad, though we prefer to watch them muted and watch the videos which are better than generic promos of standing against a supermarket wall looking moody. This model has strangely worked and the band have amassed a huge following of fans and have even bagged the headline slot of hipster festival Reading and Leeds. Let out of their Muse shackles, the other band members who we’ve forgotten about already said:

“Fans might want to prepare for a big shift in the band’s sound on their next album. The drummer and bassist said that Muse’s next full-length release will likely come out in 2012. It might be softer rock, but then it’s up to me and Chris to make it heavy again. A heavy rock lullaby! But I’m sure it will move forward in some way.”

A rock lullaby? That’s the sort of novelty that appears in Britain’s Got Talent, a show where people stick two opposing ideas together and combine them to form something that’s more annoying than original. Cats on trampolines are just one of the wacky acts featured by the population who get excited when they hear the chimes of an ice-cream truck. But with the impending birth of Matt Bellamy’s child, fans of Muse should prepare themselves for weird versions of three blind mice and a lyrical version of Jack and the beanstalk when a new album is released.

If fans of Muse aren’t happy of this potential change of direction, they could always go and listen to Radiohead. The band Muse badly fail at emulating.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Mass hysteria often follows bands around, and we’re sure that Muse are no different. After playing in shopping centres around the world, they must be getting annoyed by autograph requests from cleaners and security guards. And Glenn Beck.

This comes despite the fact they have never really come up with any genre defying ideas of their own. Muse will always stand in the shadow of peers such as Radiohead and Justin Bieber who have gained audiences with their radical musical thinking.

At best, Muse are nothing but a lukewarm version of Snow Patrol. They try really hard to impress, but inevitably end up failing. Like a fat kid attempting to go on a diet. Bands images are often moulded by their record company and we’re now pretty much convinced that Muse have been shifted from rock Gods, all the way to weak and dreary pop act all thanks to front man Matt Bellamy announcing his engagement to Kate Hudson.

Most people got into Muse when they heard their 2003 single “We’re Running Out Of Time.” Whilst the song rated as nothing but “meh” to us, the video was a little bit better, fitting in around the time when high profile directors were drafted in to create something that was more than just an indie band looking moody with a backdrop of the inevitable ‘urban decay’ of some city or other.

With this success in the palm of their hands Muse released more dire albums including “Scary Black Holes And Revolutions” and “The Resister.”

With Muse being on top of the world, there was always a danger of all available vices being supplied to them on a continual basis. Drugs, alcohol and sex could all be provided tap alongside music lessons in how to make decent songs. But whilst a lot of musicians battle for years against personal demons, Matt Bellamy decided to cleanse his soul by generally becoming more wet and perfect.

Women are like magpies and can be attracted to shiny objects. However, it came as a surprise to us that Matt Bellamy shunned advances from groupies. Instead, he opted for the advances of Kate Hudson who makes films to the same standard as Muse – mind numbingly gash. Therefore, the two are a perfect match. The two are evidently in love as during their one year relationship has seen the announcement of a baby boy, girl or unknown creature growing inside of Kate Hudson.

With Matt Bellamy experiencing the love and emotional feelings of a girl who’s just been sausaged for the first time, it’s quite likely that future Muse albums will be like nothing but revamped versions of lullabies and fairytales set to moody guitar static. But what could top that? An engagement it seems, though nobody seems to give a toss. Supposedly this has been in the works for weeks, Kate Hudson said during an appearance on the Today show:

“I haven’t really announced it; I was waiting for someone to notice. The very romantic proposal happened a few weeks ago in New York City.”

With weddings dominating the news, we couldn’t give two hoots about another one. Does Matt Bellamy have the ability to give us a day off? Can he heckers, therefore we’re behind William & Kate all the way! It’s an event you can celebrate with us with our liveblog, possibly drunk.

We expect Matt Bellamy to soundtrack his own wedding, it’s the sort of wanky thing he’d to try and keep up with everyone else.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

From the bulging mailbags and comments we receive, it appears the three blokes and Matt Bellamy who make up Muse are the greatest band in the world.

In terms that even a simpleton could understand, Muse are like the Jesus H. Christ of music. Everything they belt out is phenomenal and lapped up by their disciples, otherwise known as their super massive nutter of followers.

Even though the group have don’t do anything particularly exciting, they still have a dedicated bunch of fans willing to testify that a recording of Matt Bellamy crying is audio gold. Fair play if you’d be willing to fork out £50 for a 7” copy of it, but when it comes to physical sales, the Cornish band aren’t leading the way in sales. They’ve only been beaten by someone that Muse fans would consider unrock n’ roll, Susan Boyle.

We’ve never had one of those religious experiences that people often report of having when close to death. When this does happen, the term “angelic” is often thrown around. How do we know what an angel sounds like? It’s something that has always confused us. The mental image drilled in to our mind is of someone wearing a white bed sheet with eyeholes poked out whilst singing in a high pitched tone.

So that’s basically a ghost that’s been kicked in the testicles then?

For a guaranteed way of selling records, just slap a sticker on an album with something saying “the voice of an angel” or if you’re feeling cheeky, “a literal slice of heavenly pie.”

Even though Susan Boyle has the voice of a fictional creature, the Scottish singer has the looks of a gargoyle that has been run over and then beaten repeatedly with a stick [she'd fit in at the 'spray bedsit just fine, obviously - Ed.]. Given her mental temperament, the two compliment each other well.

Some Music Mag Who Didn’t Invite Us To Their Award Ceremony give the lowdown on the surprising statistics that show people still bother buying albums:

“Newly-announced figures show that her second album ‘The Gift’ sold 3.7 million copies abroad last year. She beat second place Sade, whose ‘Soldier Of Love’ album sold 2.3 million. ‘Sigh No More’ by Mumford and Sons is third in the list, selling 1.3 million copies abroad, while Muse’s ‘The Resistance’ sold one million.”

We’re amazed that the hardcore Muse fan haven’t raided the bins of the band and created an effigy of their heroes in order to gain them some sales through the power of voodoo.

It just gets worse for poor Muse doesn’t it? You can forgive Susan Boyle for kicking their arse due to exposure from Youtube, but getting owned by terrible folk act Mumford and Sons? That’s worse than having your nipples sawn off with a bread knife and reattached with barbed wire. Mumford & Sons make songs so twee and dire than a loud fart would send them hurtling in to an pylon.

This year, Matt Bellamy has taken the tedious celebrity marriage route which will presumably gain him more coverage and further overshadow the rest of Muse.

BECAUSE HE’S LIKE TOTALLY AMAZING AND SHIT.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

We’ve had our run-ins with Muse fans on countless occasions in the past. We were all set to apologise to them this morning… then we found out that Muse are just desperately unlucky with the fans they attract. Every single one of them are absolutely mental.

And the tenuous proof? Well, one of Muse’s biggest fans is Glenn Beck. That means, if you like Muse, you’re a right-wing nutjob.

So Muse fans, feel free to confess that you agree with Beck by saying that you’re “thinking about killing Michael Moore” or that you believe Barack Obama is “a racist” and has a “deep-seated hatred for white people”.

That’s right kids! When Glenn Beck listens to Muse, the words of Matt Bellamy really speak to him. Beck understands that “Muse are English Libertarians” (whatever that means) and really identifies with the message of the group. So when he says things like…

“When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.”

…he may well have been inspired by Muse! That’s great isn’t it?

And now, Glenn Beck wants to weep uncontrollably about how great Muse were when they played ‘Uprising’ at the Grammy Awards.

In Beck’s eyes, the song is…

“a call for revolution”

As all Muse fans will agree, Beck has noted that Europeans have had it bad for a long time.

“Europeans have been degraded for a very long time. Really, since the beginning of time. They have had very few glimpses of real freedom.”

So he loved the fact that Muse were rallying against the machinery of the Western World! A world that, in Beck’s sobbing, damp eyes (and therefore, every Muse fan on the planet), is filled with pesky do-gooders bleating on about global warming (something Muse must agree with, what with them flying around in jet planes all the time and putting on stage-shows that are so large that they are actually powered by the tears of polar bears watching their natural habitat melt away beneath their feet, at a rate of one square mile per guitar solo).

And while some of you Muse fans may be tickled at the notion of these two seemingly disparate camps having anything in common, you have to admit, Muse fans, Muse themselves and Glenn Beck all share a fondness for stirring up stories about supposed apocalyptic futures, eh?

Have a listen to Beck wanking-off over the band and blurting everywhere about how much he loves the imagery of Muse’s songs.

Maybe Matt Bellamy is going to call his baby with Kate Hudson ‘Little Glenn’?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Award ceremonies always guarantee a couple of moments that are repeated at every single show. Hilariously, there’s always the point when losing nominees have to graciously smile and clap, despite wanting to publically declare that the winner is nothing but muck on their shoe. Then when excessive alcohol bingeing kicks in, someone will make a slurred git of themselves.

Music ceremonies also signal the weird collaborations of two artists who normally wouldn’t dream of working together. Think of it in the same way as when making a sandwich. The humble BLT is a safe and classic option. Slipping in something different to improve it probably wouldn’t work, such as barbed wire or a bar of chocolate.

What we’re saying is that musical collaborations can usually be hailed as a spark of genius, or an utter mess. Rumours are circulating that Muse and Lady Gaga plan to combine forces. Uh-oh.

Muse and Lady Gaga are artists at total opposite sides of the musical spectrum. On the left, you Muse who pump out non-adventurous stadium sized rock turds without any hint of stepping outside the safety of the bubble that has strangely made them successful. Watching them play, it seems that the band sometimes can’t be bothered and to be frank, they’re like watching wobbling bags of tramp puke.

On the right, we have Lady Gaga who is one of the most daring and successful artists to come along in years. People might slag her off as an individual who sells based on her shock factor, but seeing she writes her own songs, plays piano and guitar, there isn’t really much difference between her and Muse frontman Matt Bellamy.

Well, there is actually, she appears to actively engage the people around her and entertain at the same time. As per usual, organisers of country & western award ceremony The Grammies have denied the possible collaboration, but Bellamy has spoken of his admiration for Lady Gaga in the past, telling radio station Triple J:

“I love her music. I think she’s an absolutely superb artist and I love the way she dresses. I really like her. I think she’s a great artist!”

Or what he really means. “I think her music is better than ours. I think she is a much better artist than us. I love the way she dresses so much that I got a suit made of carrots. I love her. I think she is much better than Muse because we are woeful.”

On the night of the 53rd Grammy Awards that are due to be broadcast on February 13th, Lady Gaga is due to perform her single “Born This Way.” Due to the typical nature of her stage performances, we assume she’ll sing the song inside a giant womb before breaking out of a rhinstone vagina. Or following the recent trend of female musicians to crossover in to the electronic world, Lady Gaga will do a Britney Spears. Not via the dubstep route, but with a four minute 150bmp treat of ear shattering breakcore with hints of gabber. (Pleeeease).

Whatever the outcome of any performance, we just want Muse frontman Matt Bellamy to actually smile and look like he’s having fun. Most of the time he appears to have the expression of a man who accidentally caught his penis in his zip. Not that he needs it. He spends most of his time wanking with his guitar.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Let us get this right, Muse fans. Matt Bellamy can do no wrong, right? He’s gifted, smart and beautiful… yet… Kate Hudson is controlling him like a puppet and he’s daft enough to fall for her entrapment baby games, right?

So basically, what we can glean from this line of thinking, which we’ve seen many times from Muse fans on these pages is that, he’s a good musician but well aware that he’s an ugly shit who is punching above his weight with Kate Hudson.

That should put that one to bed, once and for all. But wait! What’s this? You were all worried that your precious Matthew was off getting married to Goldie Hawn’s daughter? Think again!

While Bellamy and Hudson are indeed having a baby together (who will probably end up with some awful sci-fi name like Nebula or Darth Spock), they aren’t engaged to be shackled together in wedlock at all.

That means, if you’re a particularly delusional fan of Muse, you can still do small dribbles and imagine a time where Bellamy looks out from the crowd, sees your stupid head and falls immediately in love with you. And that won’t happen in a thousand light years because, by all accounts, he’s quite happy with his famous girlfriend.

Reports have been saying that the pair would be marrying each other, but alas, Kate Hudson is saying that it isn’t going to happen.

When Hudson was asked by Graham Norton about tying the knot, she said:

“No, no, not that I know of!”

She then added:

“I don’t feel it necessary to get married.”

Cue: ‘Oh! Matt Bellamy not good enough for you now? You witch! You evil Matt Bellamy stealing witch! How dare you?! HOW VERY DARE YOU?! HE’S WAY MORE TALENTED THAN YOU! YOU WITCH!‘

Make your stupid minds up, Muse-os.

For those who are actually quite happy for the couple, Hudson says she thinks she’ll be having a little girl.

“It feels like a girl, but I don’t know. Ryder thinks it’s a girl.”

The Ryder in question is, of course, Shaun Ryder of the Happy Mondays/Black Grape who is now a qualified foetus whisperer.

Don’t expect Hudson to be telling you much about this whole baby thing though.

“We have a couple of names but we’re not telling anyone. People tell you so much about being pregnant it drives me nuts.”

So there you have it. The seemingly pleasant Kate Hudson being seemingly pleasant about the baby she’ll be having with Matt Bellamy who has the most idiotic fans this side of Neverland.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

As shown on these very pages, time and time and time again, Muse fans are the most humourless, dreary music fans who ever lived. And so, their joyless, futile lives are about to be lifted briefly with the news that Matt Bellamy’s wife, Kate Hudson, is impregnated with his seed.

How bloody wonderful.

Of course, we’re hugely cynical about the whole thing and have imagined that Hudson – Goldie Hawn’s sprog – heard about Owen Wilson expecting the pitter patter of urine drenched feet and got insanely jealous, wanting one of her own, even if it did have to be with her current beau who looks like a cast-off Tim Burton doodle.

The source, who has probably never met anyone ever on Earth, let alone Hudson and Bellamy, told some magazine or other:

“It was not planned, but they are excited and embracing it”

Funnily enough, Kate Hudson has only been dating Matt Bellamy for 9 months, which of course, is the same gestation period as a baby human. If she’s 9 months gone, then we can safely assume that she would have dumped the Muse noodler, but feels obliged to stay with him because he went and penetrated her womb with his long, thin space penis.

The source adds that the actress is thrilled that her 7-year-old son Ryder (who she had with grotty blues pilferer Chris Robinson from The Black Crowes) to have a little chum to pick on and bully mercilessly. As The Black Crowes showed us, that’s what happens with siblings isn’t it?

“She is happy for Ryder to finally have a brother or sister”

Whatever. This child is no use to us unless it grows up to share the behaviour of Lindsay Lohan or that mad fucker from the Terminator films.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Ok, we’re sorry. Honestly, we can’t apologise enough to the legions of Muse fans that we might have accidentally upset with our throwaway comments. Recently, there have been a few choice accusations of calling Muse a poor carbon copy of Radiohead – you know that band that awkwardly reinvented their own sound from OK Computer to Kid A and that marketing campaign called In Rainbows?

Obviously we’re the fools. After a bit of research, have we realised that Muse aren’t influenced by Radiohead. God no, instead it’s all been a case of mistaken identity. S Club 7 are who inspire Muse on a daily basis!

Happy go lucky S Club 7 once released the feel good anthem ‘Reach For The Stars’ and after playing it on a loop continuously, Muse frontman Matt Bellamy has decided that he wants to perform a gig in space, going one better his pop counterparts.

Recently, we reported that Muse are on par with a wet paper towel in terms of rock ‘n’ roll behaviour. After reports of ignoring a smoking ban at a gig in Australia, we assumed that the next thing they’d attempt to do was not make their beds in the morning. In actually fact, S Club 7 have more credibility in terms of a band lifestyle. The male members of the band – Paul, Bradley and Jon were cautioned for possession of cannabis. We imagine Muse get their kicks from smuggling flavoured teabags up their foreskin (they’ve got one between them).

However, we have to admit, Muse blasting in to space to perform for aliens and old space satellites isn’t a total surprise. They did release Supermassive Milky Way, so the intentions of venturing into the unknown has always been there.

Playing a gig in space would be quite interesting, though extremely pointless. You couldn’t take an audience with you unless they’d had space training and a live stream would probably crash due to the sheer volume of people wanting to watch the band floating around and crashing in to each other.

Speaking to a rag that doesn’t link back to us when they steal our articles, Matt Bellamy said:

“We’ve had some discussions about playing in space, sometimes very coherent conversations and sometimes very late at night, but it’s for real.”

You that old saying? “In space no-one can hear you scream?” we bloody hope the same applies when a shit band attempts to do the same.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Comparing Muse to Radiohead like we did last time wasn’t received well. We’d would have had a more friendly response from a vegan if we tied them to a chair and did a sexy lap dance for them as we stripped out of an outfit made entirely out of bacon and mince. Clearly, people weren’t amused by our article and wanted our heads on pikes.

Not ones to prod the embers, it was decided to leave Muse alone. After all, they do bugger all apart from release the occasional song that causes fan boys to stand to attention quicker than the Queen’s guards.

However, fans in Australia won’t be jerking-off over their music anytime soon if officials have their way; the band will be banned from throwing shrimps on the barbie and drinking cans of Fosters in Oz, all because of silly bass player Christopher Wolstenholme.

Christopher who? Yup we asked ourselves the same question, only because we thought that Muse comprised of nobody else but Matt Bellamy – a musician so superhuman that he can play the piano, guitar and triangle at the same time. You know how magicians have the magic circle? Bellamy solely created “The Musicians Plectrum”, an organisation where he is currently the only member. The headquarters are located in a hill deep inside the Lake District, crafted by minions who failed to get in to “The Musicians Plectrum.”

Gone are the days where you got to choke on the body odour and cigarette smoke of other punters at gigs. Now, the fresh recycled smell of sweat is pumped around venues as this is the least likely out of the two to give you cancer. But big important rock stars don’t have rules; seemingly, the no smoking sign didn’t seem to bother Christopher Wolstenholme.

During a gig at the Ron Laver arena in Melbourne, he lit up several cigarettes according to reports. MTV.co.uk say:

“He apparently initially tried to hide his actions by only puffing when dry ice fog rolled over the stage, but by the end was smoking freely between songs.”

In terms of doing stupid at a gig, it doesn’t appear to be that radical. There aren’t any reports of the stage accidentally catching fire or the band members destroying their equipment at the end of the gig. Perhaps it’s a case of the event promoters overreacting a little bit? Jo Juler, a spokesperson for the venue said:

“Officials spoke to the band before and after the show and we were extremely disappointed when they decided to flaunt our strict no-smoking policy. They are known as an anti-establishment style of performance group, but it was still sad that they decided to go ahead regardless.”

Anti establishment?

We genuinely can’t think of anything they’ve done to bring society to its knees. You’d have seen more anarchy following the recent student/tax dodging protests. Or at a Bieber show. Got to start somewhere we guess. Next we expect other band members to piss in to cups and chuck them at gig goers who need a pick me up drink during yet another one of their overly long, fret-wanking performancez.

Please don’t ban them Australia, it’ll only mean the rest of us will have to put up with more live dates!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Muse confuse us in the same way that as when we’re left puzzled by a surprise solid chocolate Twix instead of biscuit and caramel one. It’s not like they’ve released nothing but bad music, just the majority of it is rubbish.

At best, we rate them as some sort of Radiohead tribute band who one day decided to break out and perform their own material.

The band are like the new kid at school who nobody knows about. Always hanging around in the background, they don’t really annoy anyone, but no-one knows anything about them. All they seem to do is constantly record albums, release singles and tour. Only recently has some personality been injected in to them, making the average person think they do more than write and record.

Frontman Matt Bellamy has recently gone and found himself all loved up with Hollywood actress Kate Hudson. Now he’s going to write lyrics about his experiences with her. Pass us the sick bag would you?

Society often rejects stuff if it isn’t populist. This is why, on a Saturday night, X-Factor is on the TV because everyone prefers second rate singers who think they can belt out hits. You’ll never see a program dedicated to pirates and ninjas doing battle on a hilltop.

More and more people sing about fluffy feelings like love and what sandwich filling was left in the shop at 3pm which makes things a bit boring.

Subsequently, everything becomes bland; self implodes and disappears for bloody ages. With any luck.

We predict the same for Muse as The Sun report Matt Bellamy as saying:

“I’ve been through a lot of personal changes, so some of the songwriting might be a bit more open and personal.”

Let’s hope they know the chords for Fake Plastic Trees when the next album goes tits up.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

The Killer Inside Me, the latest genre excursion from filmmaker Michael Winterbottom, opens with a huge red herring. A jaunty, stylish credits sequence ushers the film in to the tune of Little Willie John’s version of ‘Fever’. ‘Fever”s a bit of an aural signpost.

Putting it over the opening credits of a film is like saying “What follows will be sexy. You will basically be able to smell it”.

The fact that The Killer Inside Me won’t give you a fever that’s hard to bear, however, is the least of its problems.

Casey Affleck stars as Deputy Sheriff Lou Ford, tasked with running prostitute Joyce Lakeland (Jessica Alba) out of town at the behest of a local property tycoon (Ned Beatty in a stetson, always a pleasure), whose son has designs on eloping with her. Deputy Ford and Joyce fall in love, conspire to dupe Beatty out of some money and skip town. Ford decides to take the plan in a wholly different direction and has good old-fashioned moider in mind.

Tonally weird – not in a good way – and largely inconsequential – despite a final act attempt at ladling on profundity – The Killer Inside Me, adapted from Jim Thompson’s darkest noir, just kind of hangs there, as a film, pissing off those, like me, who really wanted it to be great and using a certain kind of shock tactic to bait those who probably wouldn’t have given the film a second look otherwise. This is the film where Jessica Alba gets punched in the face.

Repeatedly.

For a good few minutes.

Yes, it’s difficult to skirt around the violence in The Killer Inside Me. Thompson’s prose goes pretty hard, but translated to pictures… well, it’s hard to lie here, it’s pretty repugnant. And we’re gorehounds.

Part of the reason for this is Winterbottom’s failure to convey the love between Ford and Joyce, which gives the ensuing violence a tasteless nihilistic tinge. It feels low-stakes and exploitative, when it shouldn’t have (yes there’s a place for low-stakes, exploitative, nihilistic violence, but the lack of feeling is a minus here).

It’s a shame as the impressive cast all do good work, most notably Kate Hudson who – as Ford’s put-upon girlfriend, Amy – is as good as she’s ever been. Affleck is dependably excellent and chilling and Elias Koteas and Brent Briscoe do well with small roles.

Winterbottom’s prolific nature is really starting to tell, however, and his films are suffering as a by-product. Yeah, okay we know you like to knock out at least a film a year but maybe taking a little more time on some of them might elevate them from merely ‘good’ to ‘great’ status. There’s yet to be a dislikeable Winterbottom feature (yes, you can even manage to enjoy the reviled ‘NME Goes Grumble’ of 9 Songs for what it is), but it’s hard to love any of them. They all, to a film, stop short of greatness and The Killer Inside Me is no exception.

It does have a lot to recommend – the performances, as mentioned, the arid Texan-noir atmosphere and a barmy epilogue that’s pretty faithful to the book – but the overall impression left by The Killer Inside Me, in spite of the amount of times Alba’s face gets pounded, is that of a trifle when it should have cut deeper.

The Killer Inside Me is released on Blu-Ray & DVD on Monday September 27th.

People of Earth, to the bunkers! Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have reportedly split up, and you know what that means.

It means they’re coming for you. Between the pair of them, Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have been romantically linked with pretty much every celebrity on the face of the Earth. And now they’ve apparently split up, it only makes sense that they’re going to let loose on civilians.

You shouldn’t worry too much – we’re sure that they’ll start with the attractive civilians and work their way down to the likes of you, but we felt like we should warn you nonetheless. Thank us later.

You know, we were devastated when we found out that Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez might have split up. Call us romantics, but we really thought those two were for keepsies. You know, because Kate Hudson had demonstrated her flair for monogamy by dumping her husband and ploughing through Lance Armstrong and Owen Wilson before winding up with A-Rod. And Alex Rodriguez had absolutely shown what a catch he is when he reportedly left his wife and newborn baby to watch Madonna thrust her almost-pensionable genitals at him.

But, oh, it just wasn’t to be. After being together for what seemed like several years but was actually a handful of months, Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have apparently decided to end things. People reports:

The Internet is a teeming with reports that the Yankees star and Kate Hudson have split after a months-long relationship that saw the actress cheering him on during the World Series.  A-Rod, it turns out, spent the weekend in Miami – without Hudson… where one source says he “flirted with a blonde,” while another source says he “may” have flirted, but more likely was “just being friendly.”

Oh dear, that does sound ominous. And Alex Rodriguez doesn’t even have the ‘she brainwashed me’ excuse he used with Madonna this time, either. Rats.

But never mind. The epic fairytale that was Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez might be over, but at least you know they’ll both be able to get over it by throwing themselves into their work. After all, nothing removes heartache better than making 400 identical piss-poor Matthew McConaughey romantic comedies in a row, or whatever it is that Alex Rodriguez does. Having bad sex with old ladies, possibly.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Parade has always felt as though it were one of the more benign of the women’s magazines. It appears to avoid some of the sleazier bylines of the younger magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour.

Gone are sub-headings about nifty ways to snare a mate without being slapped with a restraining order. Gone are articles about how to put out on the first date like a good little alpha-female whose moral compass has been carefully whittled over the years thanks to dozens of Sex and the City re-runs.

Seems all of those years of playing sexual second-fiddle to the more overt magazines is taking its toll on Parade. The magazine is biting back and calling a slightly odd selection of celebrities promiscuous, in an attempt to get its sexy back.

On the cover of the new issue of Parade is Barbra Streisand. Yes, Barbra Streisand. Not an easy target, or someone who will lure money right out of a consumer’s wallet using their sexy-face (yes, we’re talking to you Megan Fox). In the publication, Parade released the results of its Summer 2009 Pop Culture Poll. For the most part the poll just has some delightful titbits you may otherwise struggle to get through your day without; for example, Michelle Obama is the biggest trendsetter, and Brad and Angelina are the sexiest couple.

The questions in the poll manage to be inoffensive, save for one oddity.

Can someone please explain to us and the equally bemused beauties over at Jezebel what on earth a poll in Parade is doing with a ‘Who do you think is the most promiscuous celebrity?’ category? What on earth is any magazine doing asking its readers who the biggest celebrity skank is? We’re all for calling celebrities out on their shortcomings, but what the hell Parade? What the hell!

The question is bizarre. As are the options one has to choose from. The celebrities the magazine ask you to rank in order of skankiness are Paris Hilton, Kate Hudson, John Mayer, Lindsay Lohan, Pamela Anderson and A-Rod.

The only one of these people not in a relationship to mind is John Mayer. However, they have all been in fairly long-term relationships at one point or another. For example, Kate Hudson and A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez) are currently dating each other, which you would think would be enough to get them both off the list.

Paris Hilton has done a lot to earn the nickname Parasite, but in all fairness, she is usually in a relationship and is currently demonstrating her non-hoeness by dating the same guy she ditched earlier in the year. Lindsay Lohan is in an on-again-off-again jaunt into lesbianism, but she is in something of a monogamous relationship. Lastly, Pamela Anderson has been living in white-trash bliss with some dude (who we cannot bring ourselves to care about as he is not famous) for quite some time now.

Rather than scrape the barrel and resort to name-calling that is better left to websites called snappy things like hecklerspray, perhaps Parade should stick to knitting patterns and summer polls that don’t call out obvious targets like celebrities for their questionable moral standing. Poor form Parade. Poor form.

This was a guest blog by the supreme almighty Amy Grindhouse.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter