At the heckerspray bedsit, there isn’t really a lot to look forward to. Life is, for the most part, despairingly grim. We can’t afford to eat. We can’t afford to go on strike. We can’t even manage the payments on our glue habit. It’s awful.
All we have is our dreams. Dreams are free… and really brilliant when you’ve been doing bags of glue for supper.
While our visions are nightmarish, other sleep soundly, dreaming of their heroes. People like Muse. People dream about those bozos. But for us, we dream of their disbandment. Forget the fact they’re a terrible concoction of Coldplay and Radiohead, but the unrock ‘n roll antics of the band just ain’t cool. We thought our prayers had been answered, but alas it was all a lie.
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Face it, there are two categories of Muse fans. The first is the casual listener who knows the bands more famous songs – “Plug Me In Baby” and “Super Big Massive Black Hole.” Both are assisted with pretentious videos that makes them even more appealing to art students who deem a decaying lump of wood as something that represents humanity through natures harsh and ever changing elements as entertainment.
Then of course, there’s the mega-intense Muse fan who’ll own everything the band’s ever done and a little bit more. By that, we mean that they’ll have acquired enough of frontman Matt Bellamy’s bellybutton fluff to create a clone of him. How sweet.
People accuse Muse of being a second rate Radiohead. But we disagree, instead they’ve got the ability of making songs sound like going to explode into a fury of passionate noise, only to be let down by limp guitar work. Muse clearly know that they’re anyone with a set of ears and want to help people be better than time. The perfect reason to go to university.
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Everyone deserves an equal opportunity and these days we all can! Not just on a pay scale or employment wise, but for almost everything. Gone are the days when hecklerspray writer Kris Silver got funny looks for wearing ladies clothing in public. Now he is welcomed by society and not cast aside like an unwanted puppy at Christmas.
However, with bands such as Coldplay and U2, you rarely hear from anyone else who isn’t the lead singer. Chris Martin and Bono use their elevated platform to harp on about free trade and saving the world the poverty, all whilst being tax exiles.
Third rate indie rockers Muse suffer from the same syndrome and have to deal with Matt Bellamy taking all the glory. Sadly, he’s all loved up with Kate Hudson, so in a rare opportunity to speak out, members Dominic Howard and Chris Wolstenhome have spoken of their desire to move the band into a soft rock direction. Rock and roll mightn’t be the word.
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Mass hysteria often follows bands around, and we’re sure that Muse are no different. After playing in shopping centres around the world, they must be getting annoyed by autograph requests from cleaners and security guards. And Glenn Beck.
This comes despite the fact they have never really come up with any genre defying ideas of their own. Muse will always stand in the shadow of peers such as Radiohead and Justin Bieber who have gained audiences with their radical musical thinking.
At best, Muse are nothing but a lukewarm version of Snow Patrol. They try really hard to impress, but inevitably end up failing. Like a fat kid attempting to go on a diet. Bands images are often moulded by their record company and we’re now pretty much convinced that Muse have been shifted from rock Gods, all the way to weak and dreary pop act all thanks to front man Matt Bellamy announcing his engagement to Kate Hudson.
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From the bulging mailbags and comments we receive, it appears the three blokes and Matt Bellamy who make up Muse are the greatest band in the world.
In terms that even a simpleton could understand, Muse are like the Jesus H. Christ of music. Everything they belt out is phenomenal and lapped up by their disciples, otherwise known as their super massive nutter of followers.
Even though the group have don’t do anything particularly exciting, they still have a dedicated bunch of fans willing to testify that a recording of Matt Bellamy crying is audio gold. Fair play if you’d be willing to fork out £50 for a 7” copy of it, but when it comes to physical sales, the Cornish band aren’t leading the way in sales. They’ve only been beaten by someone that Muse fans would consider unrock n’ roll, Susan Boyle.
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We’ve had our run-ins with Muse fans on countless occasions in the past. We were all set to apologise to them this morning… then we found out that Muse are just desperately unlucky with the fans they attract. Every single one of them are absolutely mental.
And the tenuous proof? Well, one of Muse’s biggest fans is Glenn Beck. That means, if you like Muse, you’re a right-wing nutjob.
So Muse fans, feel free to confess that you agree with Beck by saying that you’re “thinking about killing Michael Moore” or that you believe Barack Obama is “a racist” and has a “deep-seated hatred for white people”.
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Award ceremonies always guarantee a couple of moments that are repeated at every single show. Hilariously, there’s always the point when losing nominees have to graciously smile and clap, despite wanting to publically declare that the winner is nothing but muck on their shoe. Then when excessive alcohol bingeing kicks in, someone will make a slurred git of themselves.
Music ceremonies also signal the weird collaborations of two artists who normally wouldn’t dream of working together. Think of it in the same way as when making a sandwich. The humble BLT is a safe and classic option. Slipping in something different to improve it probably wouldn’t work, such as barbed wire or a bar of chocolate.
What we’re saying is that musical collaborations can usually be hailed as a spark of genius, or an utter mess. Rumours are circulating that Muse and Lady Gaga plan to combine forces. Uh-oh.
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Let us get this right, Muse fans. Matt Bellamy can do no wrong, right? He’s gifted, smart and beautiful… yet… Kate Hudson is controlling him like a puppet and he’s daft enough to fall for her entrapment baby games, right?
So basically, what we can glean from this line of thinking, which we’ve seen many times from Muse fans on these pages is that, he’s a good musician but well aware that he’s an ugly shit who is punching above his weight with Kate Hudson.
That should put that one to bed, once and for all. But wait! What’s this? You were all worried that your precious Matthew was off getting married to Goldie Hawn’s daughter? Think again! Read More >>>
