When this year’s Dancing With The Stars began, and you looked at all the contestants, who did you think would win?
Nicole Scherzinger. You obviously thought that Nicole Scherzinger would win. That’s partly because Nicole Scherzinger dances on a day to day basis for a living, and partly because the other Dancing With The Stars contestants were either octogenarian astronauts or reality TV stars who’d given birth so many times that they could barely get through a Paso Doble without tripping up on their own saggy vaginas. No, Nicole Scherzinger was always going to win Dancing With The Stars. Always.
And last night Nicole Scherzinger won Dancing With The Stars. Oh, at least try to look surprised.
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The calibre of this year’s Dancing With The Stars is so high that we’ve barely mentioned Pamela Anderson.
Kate Gosselin? Yes. Buzz Aldrin? Yes. That reality show pilot idiot who got kicked off last week and doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page? Yes. But not Pamela Anderson. This is either because Dancing With The Stars can afford to book stars big enough to can eclipse Pamela Anderson, or it’s because Pamela Anderson isn’t very famous any more and we don’t particularly like to dwell on the image of her dancing – an image of a bright orange warped Lionel Richie Hello-style sculpture of 1990s Pamela Anderson being dragged around the stage by an alcoholic self-loathing puppeteer.
But anyway, it’s all too late. Last night Pamela Anderson left Dancing With The Stars for not being That Girl From The Pussycat Dolls Who’s Obviously Going To Win Dancing With The Stars. Basically.
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OK gang, the joke’s over. You’ve kicked Kate Gosselin off Dancing With The Stars, so you can stop now.
Everyone else can win. The moment we were all looking forward to – the moment when Kate Gosselin was reminded of what a catastrophic failure she was in front of the whole world – has been and gone. There’s really no need for Dancing With The Stars to carry on any more, is there? Just declare that everyone still in the competition is a winner and draw a dignified end to it. Nobody will care. Nobody will probably even realise.
No? You’re going to keep making new episodes of Dancing With The Stars? You’re going to carry on with this hollow charade, even if it means eliminating Jake Pavelka? Even though nobody actually knows who Jake Pavelka is? Oh, you’re a cruel one, Dancing With The Stars.
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If the sun is shining a little brighter today, it’s because Kate Gosselin has left Dancing With The Stars.
That’s scientific fact. And if the air smells a little fresher today, it’s because Kate Gosselin has left Dancing With The Stars. And if you happen to see groups of strangers jigging around in circles with wide-eyed joy, it’s because Kate Gosselin has left Dancing With The Stars. She was the worst dancer, she was the least personable dancer and there’s a slight possibility that she was the dancer with the largest amount of hungry, emotionally-abandoned children at home, but – finally – Kate Gosselin was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night.
Now the bad news. If the clouds are looming a little more threateningly in the sky today, it’s because Kate Gosselin will be back on TV soon. Sorry.
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This has been the most impressive Dancing With The Stars roster yet – there’s an astronaut there, for crying out loud.
And a booby model. And, um, about four people we’ve never heard of. But still, Dancing With The Stars has plenty going for it. And yet the only thing that anyone can talk about is Kate Gosselin. They talk about how awful she is at dancing, about how much everyone who works on Dancing With The Stars hates her, about her constant blind self-centred stupidity and about the extent to which she must be neglecting her children to take part in the show.
Yesterday, a celebrity was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. And it wasn’t Kate Gosselin. Honestly, you people are idiots.
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Great work, Kate Gosselin – your plan to appear on Dancing With The Stars and rehabilitate your image is going great guns.
Let’s have a recap. Kate Gosselin’s Dancing With The Stars partner hates her. The Dancing With The Stars judges hate her. The majority of the Dancing With The Stars viewers hate her. And Jon Gosselin… well obviously Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin, but now he hates her enough to sue her for full custody of their children.
According to Jon Gosselin, by appearing on Dancing With The Stars Kate Gosselin has made herself an absentee parent and can’t care for the kids as well as he could – even though he’s now a professional layabout who lives in a two-bedroom apartment. Maybe they can reach a compromise and give custody of the children to a better-equipped third-party, like a rabid bear or the Stanley Tucci character from The Lovely Bones or something.
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Finally, after years of constant disappointment, Dancing With The Stars has booked its first real celebrity.
Kate Gosselin. We’re so excited! We’ve waited so long for someone to inject some genuine celebrity glamour into Dancing With The Stars, and it looks as if Kate Gosselin is going to be the woman to do it. Obviously by ‘genuine celebrity glamour’ we mean ‘witless screeching about how hard her life is’ and ‘up to 23 simultaneous terrible haircuts’, but it’s more or less the same thing.
Sadly, though, Kate Gosselin isn’t going to be the only contestant to appear on this year’s Dancing With The Stars. Some old duffer called Buzz Aldrin is also going to take part. Apparently he’s walked on the moon, whatever that is. Hey Buzz, back the hell off! This is Kate Gosselin’s time to shine, you hear?
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Kate Gosselin has the world at her feet, and a beautiful mane of hair on her head.
No, hang on. We’ve just had a quick second look and it turns out she’s actually got rolls and rolls of flaccid mimsy at her feet, and Worzel Gummidge‘s least favourite wig on her head.
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When this year’s Dancing With The Stars began, and you looked at all the contestants, who did you think would win?
