The best thing about Strictly Come Dancing is that all the celebrities are clearly sleeping with their dance partners. Clearly.

Except one. GMTV‘s Kate Garraway – who took part in last year’s Strictly Come Dancing – definitely didn’t have sex with her chinny professional partner Anton Du Beke, and if you say she did you have to give her loads of money.

Which is what the Sunday Mirror has done after publishing a story claiming that Kate Garraway and Anton Du Beke were having an affair. In retrospect it seems like a silly claim – the thought of a Garraway/Du Beke affair seems ludicrous. Because, well, because he’s a massive chinny chin machine with a great big chinny chin.

Typical. Our life is basically a procession of not sleeping with any dancers whatsoever at all over a period of many, many years. But nobody cares about that, do they? Meanwhile Kate Garraway doesn’t sleep with one dancer once and newspapers have to chuck all kinds of substantial libel damages at her. Really, where’s the justice?

Earlier this year, The Sunday Mirror published a report that appeared to claim that Kate Garraway and Anton Du Beke were continuing an affair that began when they took part on Strictly Come Dancing together.

But it turns out that the report was absolutely false, because Kate Garraway has just accepted a giant lump of cash from the Sunday Mirror because of all the nasty lies it told. BBC News reports:

GMTV presenter Kate Garraway has accepted “substantial” libel damages from the Daily Mirror and Sunday Mirror over claims she committed adultery. The star, who is married to former Labour spin doctor Derek Draper, said she was “glad” the matter was resolved. “The way my friendship with Anton was twisted into something sordid was terribly unfair and upsetting,” the 39-year-old said. “No-one likes to take legal action against a newspaper but I could see no alternative.”

You know, we’d even go one step further than Kate Garraway here – claiming that she had an affair with Anton Du Beke isn’t just sordid, it’s downright nonsensical. Put yourself in Anton Du Beke’s place and you’ll see why.

Firstly, prior to Kate Garraway, Anton Du Beke’s other Strictly Come Dancing partners were Lesley Garrett, Esther Rantzen, Jan Ravens and Patsy Palmer. Having to dance with those women week after week would turn any man into a snarling misogynist who’d rather stab forks into his eyes than bring himself to look at a female again, let alone have sex with one.

Secondly, and this is the most important point, did you see how Kate Garraway danced on Strictly Come Dancing? They say that how someone dances is an indication of how they have sex, and if that’s the case then making love to Kate Garraway must be like catching your genitals in a bear trap that’s been welded to an out-of-control washing machine balanced on a trampoline in a wind tunnel.

And – trust us, this is experience talking – no man wants to do that. Not again.

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GMTV host Garraway wins damages - BBC

Well, the dream had to come to an end at some point – and on Saturday Kate Garraway was eliminated from Strictly Come Dancing after convincing enough of the public that she couldn’t dance to save her blinking life.

Having just started to recover from the leg injury that did her in before Strictly Come Dancing began, Kate Garraway suffered a back injury in training for Saturday’s Paso Doble to Somebody Told Me, meaning that the only parts of her anatomy that have come out of the show unscathed are her knockers. However, we didn’t think that Kate Garraway did too badly at her routine – being in incredible pain made her scowl sexily for the first time ever and she even seemed to let loose at one point, although that could have been because she was hopped-up on enough prescription medication to break a dinosaur.

So with no more Garraway fouling everything up, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s part one of the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – for Kelly Brook, Letitia Dean and Kenny Logan – with help from Paddy Power…

Kelly Brook – These last couple of weeks have seen Kelly Brook struggle to get back into the Strictly Come Dancing running after all that rule-breaking from a few weeks back, so it was good to see that the nearest thing to a rule-break from Kelly Brook during Saturday’s Jive to Johnny B Goode was Brendan Cole wearing a pair of sparkly girl-shoes and – judging by the look on his face – one of Kaplinsky‘s old thongs. As for the dance itself, it was clear that Kelly was enjoying herself – she kept kicking her leg out with wild abandon, like she was trying to flick away a persistent piece of dog-turd, and kept her mouth wide open throughout an expression of joy instead of the usual expression of dimness. And the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved it too, telling Kelly that “You are a very talented dancer… you did that Jive absolutely perfectly,” before going on to give her an obviously less than perfect score. SCORE – 36; Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 9/2

Letitia Dean – It’s becoming clear that Letitia Dean lives and dies by public opinion, so when she dances well she’s happy but when she dances badly she reacts like she’s watching a bunch of men in ski-masks trample babies. And since her last Strictly Come Dancing routine didn’t go down well, she made rehearsals for Saturday’s Foxtrot to Call Me Irresponsible look like the most traumatic experience ever. She needn’t have, of course, because the dance was one of her best yet. The red-face sex leer was replaced by a weird fixed, slightly different sex leer and all in all Letitia looked a lot like a cross between a Dorothy Perkins mannequin and a creepy lifesize vinyl sex doll – which is apparently a good thing for the Foxtrot according to the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who said that it was a “Sweet, very, very stylish routine… Your shoulders were finally down Letitia. Very, very classy.” SCORE – 34; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 28/1

Kenny Logan – After last week’s appallingly smooth routine, Kenny Logan was back giving the people exactly what they want on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing – a giant angry brute in a sparkly Incredible Hulk vest thudding about with absolutely no concept of rhythm whatsoever. Kenny’s Strictly Come Dancing routine was a Cha Cha Cha to Billie Jean, although Thriller would have been more apt thanks to Kenny’s clear resemblance to one of the undead. The rapey hip-thrusts we’ve come to love were back, as was a new addition: a moonwalk, although we hear that Kenny prefers it to be called the ‘reverse smash’. It was impressively awful to watch – the Strictly Come Dancing judges called it “about the standard of a 7 year old in a dance class” – but at least Kenny’s partner is doing her best to cover up the badness by dressing in zero clothes and dry-humping him like a maniac at any opportunity. That’s the spirit. SCORE – 22; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 50/1

Tomorrow – Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, John Barnes, Alesha Dixon and Matt Di Angelo. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Penny Penny Penny, when will you learn? On Strictly Come Dancing Penny Lancaster has shown that if she put her hair up and danced an old-fashioned ballroom dance she’d sail through the elimination process easily.

So what did Penny Lancaster do on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing? She let her hair down and tried to be energetic, that’s what. On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Penny decided to dance the Salsa to something that may as well have been Agadoo for all the bloody good it did her. Aiming for ‘vivaciously sexy’ and ending up with something appropriating ‘epileptic woman being exorcised at a disco’, Penny’s bewildering effort left the Strictly Come Dancing viewers wondering if her remote control vibrator was somehow stuck on the ‘destroy’ setting. Needless to say that Penny Lancaster is now out of Strictly Come Dancing for good.

But without Penny Lancaster, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing this year? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, Matt Di Angelo, Kate Garraway and Letitia Dean, with betting odds from Paddy Power…

Gethin Jones – Over the course of Strictly Come Dancing so far, Gethin Jones has had trouble acting in a sexy way, partially because his day-job involves making pencil holders out of bog roll – but on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing it all came together thanks to Gethin’s Viennese Waltz to Falling. That’s a dance that requires grace rather than overt sexiness, so Gethin could dance normally without worrying that he had to dry-hump anyone’s face, while any sexiness came from his partner rolling around in his arms at the beginning and end like she was having a full-on orgasm. That was noticed by the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who pointed out that “Camilla melted in his arms like whipped cream in a coffee” – which presumably meant that Gethin also sustained extensive scalding to his arms, torso and balls in the process. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 5/1

Matt Di Angelo – Since Strictly Come Dancing began, Matt Di Angelo has proved that he can jig around like a sparkly ninja, but on Saturday the question was whether or not he could waltz. And the answer was ‘not without pulling a face like a gay duck mildly disapproving of something’. But Matt Di Angelo’s monstrous ego at least afforded him the self-confidence to at least look like he was pulling it off, adding a cheeky half-grin at the end of his Viennese Waltz to When A Man Loves A Woman that, if Strictly Come Dancing was a Disney film, would have summoned a group of whistling bluebirds to land on his shoulders. But were the Strictly Come Dancing judges pleased with Matt’s routine? They told him that “you have to focus. Nail the routine so that it comes naturally,” which we think is a yes. Or a partial yes. Oh, we don’t care. SCORE – 29; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 9/2

Kate Garraway – Much was made of the Foxtrot that Kate Garraway rolled out the week before Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing because it was the first time that Kate had shown she didn’t have two left feet – or one left foot and a foot-shaped clump of kebab meat – and her Salsa to Peanut Vendor on Saturday was her chance to gain even more ground on her competitors. Did it work? Did it eff. So self-conscious that she looked like she was going to vomit, Kate Garraway spent so much time away from her partner trying to dance on her own that she looked completely lost. And completely robotic. And completely drunk. The Strictly Come Dancing judges, as you may have guessed, weren’t impressed, saying of the routine that “I’ve never seen less convincing sexiness. Not good.” So speaks a man who’s never seen Imogen from Big Brother‘s sex tape. SCORE – 18; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 50/1

Letitia Dean – Last week Letitia Dean celebrated her 40th birthday. And, like all 40-year-olds, Letitia suddenly found herself dancing like someone’s mad old auntie with a rare motor-skill disorder at a wedding reception at 2am. On the surface, Letitia’s Strictly Come Dancing Salsa to Pastime Paradise was decent enough – there was no violently leering sex face this time and she managed to finish the dance without looking like she’d just run a marathon in lead stilettos – but the Strictly Come Dancing judges pulled Letitia up for her lack of hip action, telling her that the dance was “about as latin as a bag of frocks on the market stall.” At which point Letitia Dean burst into an uncontrollable flood of tears, which is something else all 40-year-olds do, we’re told. SCORE – 25; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 22/1

Tomorrow - the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kenny Logan, John Barnes, Kelly Brook and Alesha Dixon. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Tomorrow’s Strictly Come Dancing will be the toughest instalment yet, because the lesser Strictly Come Dancing competitors are falling by the wayside fast, leaving just eight dancers to pretend they stand a chance against Alesha anyway.

Apparently the Strictly Come Dancing dances being danced tomorrow are the Viennese Waltz and the Samba, with one competitor dancing to an Alicia Keys song, another dancing to a Michael Jackson song and someone dancing to Flower Of Scotland. That last one had better be Kenny Logan, because we get the feeling that our entire lives have been leading up to the moment that we get to see a graceless hulk angrily thwump around a stage scaring the young to the sound of sodding bagpipes.

Who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Alesha Dixon, Kate Garraway, Matt Di Angelo and Penny Lancaster, with betting odds from Paddy Power…

Alesha Dixon - Alesha Dixon is turning out to be the Leona Lewis of Strictly Come Dancing – week after week she turns in performances so dazzling that her near-perfection starts to get boring after a while. For Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Alesha needed to do a Foxtrot to Heaven – something she was dreading because she said she’s not very romantic. However, after her Nans came to visit with cream cakes and – confusingly – outfits they seemed to have stolen from the Dad’s Army wardrobe department, everything was sorted out and Alesha managed to bash out the highest-scoring Strictly Come Dancing routine of the night, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that it was “Full of grace, I’m enchanted.” So Alesha is a potential Strictly Come Dancing winner, but a smidge of personality would be nice – maybe tomorrow she can charge about like a rapist like Kenny Logan does. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 6/5

Kate Garraway – By rights Kate Garraway should have been public enemy number one after the public voted to keep her in Strictly Come Dancing at the cost of the technically superior Gabby Logan, but everyone knows you can’t be public enemy number one when an army of middle-aged men open lust after your cleavage, so the whole controversy was neatly brushed under the carpet by the time Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing rolled around. And just to make matters worse, Kate Garraway’s Foxtrot to I Could Write A Book wasn’t offensively terrible either. True, the reason it wasn’t terrible is because Kate Garraway had appeared to sellotape herself to her partner so he could just haul her around the stage as gracefully as he possibly could without her ever having to break free and nause things up, but it worked – the Strictly Come Dancing judges said the routine had: “beautiful pivots, I never expected what I just saw.” It confused us too, and we’re just hoping normality is returned next week when Kate Garraway jolts about like a broken robot likes she usually does. SCORE – 26; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 100/1

Matt Di Angelo – Matt Di Angelo, the cockiest little upstart since Little Lord Fauntleroy, gained the highest score in the previous Strictly Come Dancing. We suspected this meant that he’d totally overshoot for Saturday’s show and try a routine so complicated that his legs would snap off and he’d gore his own stomach with his shins. And we were sort of right – Matt Di Angelo’s Paso Doble to Smooth Criminal was so fiddly that it seemed to be put together with the sole intention of making the crowd go “Woooooo!” every three or four seconds. Thanks to the song choice, Matt Di Angelo was only a bottle of Jesus Juice and a bowl of giraffe blood away from a full-on Michael Jackson impersonation. And the Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed with us too, telling Matt that “It wasn’t a Paso in my mind.” But the criticism is good, as is anything that makes Matt Di Angelo less insufferable. SCORE – 31; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 3/1

Penny Lancaster - Having narrowly missed elimination from Strictly Come Dancing two weeks ago, Penny Lancaster knew she had to win the public over with her Foxtrot to This Can’t Be Love. And, since the public proved that it doesn’t like the sight of Penny Lancaster with her hair down waggling her bum about, for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing she wore her hair up and kept her arse mercifully covered, too. And it worked, too – even though we thought the whole thing was duller than a trip to a digestive biscuit factory, the Strictly Come Dancing judges gave Penny her biggest ever score, telling her that she danced “like Champagne,” whatever the balls that means. Still, we can’t imagine that it’s endeared her to the public any more than usual, though, the leggy git. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 12/1

Next week – X Factor betting odds! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

You may have heard the fuss by now – Gabby Logan was eliminated from Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday, and everyone reacted like a dinosaur had barged into the studio, eaten both their parents then pooed them out into a hat.

Why did Gabby Logan get the shove from Strictly Come Dancing? After all, she was one of the frontrunners to win Strictly Come Dancing from the outset and had consistently shown that she was capable of near-superhuman determination. In fact, that was probably the reason itself – Gabby Logan was so determined to smash her opposition into dust that she came off a bit like a joyless blonde Terminator. Gabby may have thought she was smiling during her Strictly Come Dancing samba on Saturday, but it was actually a snarl, and not even a very sexy one at that.

Slightly different this week – we’re running Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for the next elimination, so here’s part one – for Alesha Dixon, Dominic Littlewood, Kate Garraway, John Barnes and Kenny Logan – with betting odds from Paddy Power…

Alesha Dixon – As part of Britain’s foremost urban R&B two-step garage girlband Misteeq, Alesha Dixon didn’t really get the chance to be elegant very often. She got the chance to bark like a Tourettes-afflicted dog getting attacked with tasers, yes, but nothing that suggested she could do anything particularly classy. However, Strictly Come Dancing is showing that there’s far more to Alesha than just standing round looking a bit street some of the time, and her American Smooth to Top Hat White Tie And Tails had the Strictly Come Dancing judges all agog at her ability to turn all the way around. “Amazing control through the spins, you’ve really got that nailed.” SCORE – 33; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 50/1

Dominic Littlewood – Something we hate more than anything is when people we meet refuse to give us any cruel gossip about the people we write about. That happened last week with Dominic Littlewood, who is apparently ‘lovely’ according to a woman we met. But if Dominic Littlewood is so lovely, then why do we want to punch things when we see him on Strictly Come Dancing? His routine to Straighten Up And Fly Right on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing was full of the same old cheeky chappy moments that everything else he ever does is full of, including a bewildering Dancing On Ice-style lift performed with all the panache of a scampish schoolboy who’s been caught chewing in class. But the Strictly Come Dancing judges seem to be lapping it all up, telling Dominic “if anyone had told me there’d be anything smooth about you, I’d say they were lying, but this girl has polished you like a diamond!” SCORE – 26; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 6/1

Kate Garraway – Kate Garraway will be the first to admit that she isn’t too hot at the dancing, although she says that’s because she hurt her leg a while ago. That might not be strictly true, because the further Kate Garraway gets into Strictly Come Dancing the more we’re convinced that she’s just a terrible dancer. For instance, Kate’s samba to Dancing Queen on Saturday literally consisted of Kate standing still and her partner pushing her into different positions occasionally. The Strictly Come Dancing judges weren’t buying it either: “More like a dancing quail than a dancing queen” they told her. However, despite clearly being the worst contestant on the show, we’d imagine that Kate Garraway will still go some way on Strictly Come Dancing because she gets to waggle her boobs around, something that she sadly doesn’t do too often on GMTV. SCORE – 16; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 2/1

John Barnes – Last week we noted that all of John Barnes’ dancing ability comes from his massive gut, and that the more weight he loses the worse he gets at dancing. That was the case again on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, when he hobbled like a builder throughout his American Smooth to Stay With Me. It was something that the Strictly Come Dancing judges picked up on, and they told John: “You messed it up big time. You lost your footing, then your posture went, then your personality went.” And it’s obvious that if John Barnes keeps losing weight then he’ll only keep deteriorating. Someone get that man a vanload of KFC and a cake the size of a donkey’s head. Fast! SCORE  – 22; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds -  7/1

Kenny Logan – Kenny Logan is without question the only reason to watch Strictly Come Dancing, because we’re not even sure what he does qualifies as dancing – it’s a sort of angry flailing that we’re almost positive is illegal in some countries. So we were thrilled to see that his samba to Mujer Latina was not a disappointment; in fact it was like watching the inner workings of a fever-stricken rapist’s mind, full of alarming hip thrusts, furious stomping and, at one point, a perfect impersonation of those inflatable waving men you sometimes see outside second-hand car dealerships. Although it left us giddy from giggling, the Strictly Come Dancing judges told him that “It looked drunk to me… You have the grace of a vacuum cleaner! It was bad.” SCORE – 18; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kelly Brook, Gethin Jones, Letitia Dean, Penny Lancaster and Matt Di Angelo. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.