Every week, we have the unfortunate task of picking our way through your crusted correspondence to find the most depraved, hideous scrawlings to put on the site for everyone to laugh at. This week, it was a little bit easier as our drooling mass of a readership left a slug trail right to some of the most sexually-charged content that has ever deposited itself in our post bag thanks to a certain Ms. Scarlett Johansson.

Yes, everyone’s favourite bombshell had her phone hacked as hecklerspray brought the curious masses a skin-exclusive and everyone wanted to get in touch to reveal their masturbatory habits. There’s also veiled threats from Kasabian’s representatives, a singing Michael Jackson and a screaming INXS nutter, all with Editor Mof just over the jump.

Remember to click ‘HD’ to see Mof in all his terrifying glory.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

When the news reached people that New York had lost a piece of its iconic skyline due to a terrorist attack, it didn’t seem real. As rolling news stations replayed the footage of the deadly impact of the planes hitting the World Trade Centre and subsequent collapse of the buildings, it was more like a trailer from a movie or next generation computer game.

While many people ignore daily tragedies, the whole world united in the grief and panic for individuals they didn’t know. Ten years on from the event, we don’t know if subsequent action by world governments has reaped any sort of suitable revenge.

This weekend marks the tenth anniversary of the attacks; New Yorkers will no doubt come together in peaceful mourning for those lost unexpectedly lost. However, they’ll be an annoying din to soundtrack the day. Kasabian are playing to mark the anniversary.

9/11 was… and still is… a hugely emotional event. The world changed on that surreal day a decade ago. From that, governments fought an enemy with the efficiency of someone trying to bruise a puddle while all sorts of conspiracy theories sprung up, topped off with comedic scaremongering that told us all that anyone with dark skin and a beard is to be feared.

So why then, are a second rate Oasis tribute band called Kasabian deciding to voice their opinion? Fishing around the internet, we can’t find anything that links the band to New York when 9/11 happened way back in 2001. But then we realised, it’s all in the name of PR, giving the band a chance to saying some about a topic that the entire world feels strongly about. All because they’ve got a new album coming out. Twerp Tom from the band said to the NME:

“It will be strange for us playing in the city on such a big weekend for New York people. It will be emotional. I was at work and remember hearing 9/11 unfold on the radio. I remember going home and being in absolute shock. My mum had it on the news. It was f**king awful.”

One member of Kasabian isn’t enough, guitar monkey Serge commented further:

“Looking back to 9/11, I was at work. I went round Tom’s on my way home. I’d always go in for a tea and I was sat watching it with his mum when Tom came home from work. We were watching it in his front room. We were like everyone, thinking it was just mental.”

‘Just mental’. A great mind at work there.

And these great brains are, of course, planning a poor Beatles-style rooftop gig for reasons we can’t really explain. In all honesty, it heaps more pain on an already fragile day for New York.

Good for you lads. Good for you. So awful is your music, that you may as well urinate on the Bill Of Rights while you’re over there.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Liam Gallagher, a man who facially resembles a cross between a Dickensian henchman and a brain damaged howler monkey, is well known for holding certain controversial views on the world around him. He’s the kind of gent that, if he were punch a GPS satellite out of the sky for ‘looking at him funny’, most people wouldn’t be 100% surprised.

Now, the former front brother of Oasis has decided to launch into a fashion crusade in an effort to clean up the image of some of music’s biggest stars. The bowl-cut-toting funster’s love of the finer fashions have often seen comparisons drawn between him and some of the most flamboyant characters in modern celebrity and fashion.

Who can forget that parka that he wore at Glastonbury 1996, T in the Park 1998, V Festival 2005, Knebworth well, actually… pretty much every live show that Oasis have done**. Still, it had a nice furry hood and was very practical in the winter, according to his mummykins.

Seemingly hoping to reignite some sort of North-South music rivalry with one of the biggest indie bands of the last two years, Gallagher has slated the style of ‘folk’ band Mumford and Sons.

“They look like f****** Amish people…”

Gallagher, who has clearly never seen an Amish person, was speaking in an interview with The Sun newspaper. Of course, the Oasis moaner is never short of a ridiculous pejorative and went on to say:

“You know, them ones with the big sides that don’t use electricity? Growing their own food and putting barns up…I need music to be a bit more sexy and played by people who look a bit f****** dangerous.”

We’re no experts but there are many hazards which are inherent in both farming and construction. Have you ever been to a building site? It’s full of signs telling you how dangerous things are. What about growing food? I doubt anyone who has ever had their hand passed through a wheat thresher would try to tell you that farming is a safe occupation.

Oh, hang on. He doesn’t mean dangerous in the sense of hazards to health. He means the Beady Eye sense of ‘dangerous’. C’mon. You know the one. The people that love Oasis and Kasabian and throw their arms around as though they’re plants desperately trying to drag themselves up towards the sun by swaying back and forth. The sun in this case being the one that Liam seems to believe shines out of his rectum.

Still not with us on the danger thing? He means idiots in parkas and Adidas gazelles that have haircuts that look as though they’re an experiment designed to prove the effects of gravitational pull and are liable to glass anyone who looks at them for too long for being a ‘f**king ponce’. Yeah- those guys. Liam’s guys.

**hecklerspray would like to point out that we couldn’t care less if Oasis ever actually played these festivals on these dates.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Rock music is a sickly old dog at the minute. Think about it – pop, hip-hop and electronic music are spitting out exciting new bands every week, yet rock is really ailing, relying on older bands to show the way. Is it a good thing that Radiohead are one of the only innovators in rock?

Not in the slightest. And besides, Radiohead aren’t that great either (just buy the records they listen to instead if you want your kicks).

And so, this year’s NME Awards is the beacon, burning on rock’s coffin with a bunch of musical codgers (in rock and indie, time works in fly-years so by the time you’re in your mid-thirties, you’re ooooold).

Foals are the big winners in the noms, with Arcade Fire, Biffy Clyro, Paul Weller, Liam Gallagher’s Beady Eye, Kasabian and Muse getting nods as well.

Elsewhere, decidedly not-new bands like Arctic Monkeys, Guns N’ Roses, Brandon Flowers and My Chemical Romance get nominated for awards as well… although, not all of the awards are particularly nice ones to receive.

There’s also lame attempts at appearing intelligent with inclusions of Julian Assange in one award, and flicking the bird at Nick Clegg. Sadly, this is all scuppered by ‘Hottest Woman’ and ‘Hottest Man’ categories. Sweet Jesus. Well done the NME.

Also, Foo Fighters mainboy Dave Grohl will collect the Godlike Genius award at the ceremony which takes place at the Brixton Academy in London on February 23rd which we’ll invariably not be invited to.

The 2011 NME Awards nominations are:

Best British Band:

Arctic Monkeys
Biffy Clyro
Foals
Kasabian
Muse

Best International Band:

Arcade Fire
Kings Of Leon
My Chemical Romance
The Drums
Vampire Weekend

Best Solo Artist:

Florence Welch
Frank Turner
Kanye West
Laura Marling
Paul Weller

Best New Band:

Beady Eye
Everything Everything
Hurts
The Drums
Two Door Cinema Club

Best Live Band:

Arcade Fire
Biffy Clyro
Foals
Kasabian
Muse

Best Album:

Arcade Fire – ‘The Suburbs’
Crystal Castles – ‘Crystal Castles II’
Foals – ‘Total Life Forever’
My Chemical Romance – ‘Danger Days: The True Lives Of The Fabulous Killjoys’
Two Door Cinema Club – ‘Tourist History’

Best Track:

Cee Lo Green – ‘**** You’
Foals – ‘Spanish Sahara’
Gorillaz – ‘Stylo’
Janelle Monae (featuring Big Boi) – ‘Tightrope’
Mark Ronson & The Business Intl – ‘Bang Bang Bang’

Best Video:

Arcade Fire – ‘We Used To Wait’
Brandon Flowers – ‘Crossfire’
Chase & Status – ‘Let You Go’
Gorillaz – ‘Stylo’
My Chemical Romance – ‘Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)’

Best Festival:

Download
Glastonbury
Reading And Leeds Festivals
T In The Park
V Festival

Best Dancefloor Filler:

Crystal Castles – ‘Baptism’
Kele – ‘Tenderoni’
Plan B – ‘Stayed Too Long’
Professor Green – ‘Jungle’
Tinie Tempah – ‘Pass Out’

Best TV Show:

Misfits
Never Mind The Buzzcocks
Peep Show
Skins
The Inbetweeners

Best Film:

Get Him To The Greek
Inception
Kick-Ass
Scott Pilgrim vs The World
The Social Network

Hero Of The Year:

Gerard Way
Julian Assange
Lady Gaga
Kanye West

Villain Of The Year:

Axl Rose
David Cameron
Justin Bieber
Nick Clegg
Simon Cowell

Most Stylish:

Brandon Flowers
Hayley Williams
Lady Gaga
Liam Gallagher
Noel Fielding

Least Stylish:

Cheryl Cole
Justin Bieber
Ke$ha
Lady Gaga
Liam Gallagher

Worst Album:

Cheryl Cole – ‘Messy Little Raindrops’
Justin Bieber – ‘My World’
Katy Perry – ‘Teenage Dream’
Kings Of Leon – ‘Come Around Sundown’
My Chemical Romance – ‘Danger Days: The True Lives Of The Fabulous Killjoys’

Worst Band:

30 Seconds To Mars
JLS
Jonas Brothers
Kings Of Leon
Tokio Hotel

Best Band Blog or Twitter:

Frank Turner
Hayley Williams
Kanye West
Lily Allen
Theo Hutchcraft

Best Book:

Carl Barât – ‘Threepenny Memoir’
Jay-Z – ‘Decoded’
John Lydon – ‘Mr Rotten’s Scrapbook’
Keith Richards – ‘Life’
Russell Brand – ‘My Booky Wook 2′

Best Small Festival (50,000 capacity or lower):

Bestival
Kendal Calling
Latitude
RockNess
Underage Festival

Best Album Artwork:

Foals – ‘Total Life Forever’
Gorillaz – ‘Plastic Beach’
Klaxons – ‘Surfing The Void’
MGMT – ‘Congratulations’
My Chemical Romance – ‘Danger Days: The True Lives Of The Fabulous Killjoys’

Hottest Woman:

Alison Mosshart
Emily Haines
Hayley Williams
Lady Gaga
Shakira

Hottest Man:

Alex Turner
Billie Joe Armstrong
Dominic Howard
Jared Leto
Matt Bellamy

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Folded for the best, Creased for the worst. It’s always been that way.

Folded:

• InFamous on PS3 (electrifying)
• The Hangover (funniest guy movie in years)
• Creamy smoothies (taste nice and no heartburn. Pretend you’re in L.A. and buy one for your rat dog)
• Kasabian’s video for Fire (looks like a modern day western set in the seventies. Cool song too)
• Cassetteboy vs The Bloody Apprentice (‘My car can go 100mph an hour!’)

Creased:

• Channel 4 repeating Night at the Museum two weeks in a row (and they thought we wouldn’t notice)
• The worst website design in the world (remember, somebody actually got paid for this…)
• Chain pubs (maybe it’s the black uniforms that make the bar staff so damn miserable?)
• Cherry smoothies (oh, god, the indigestion)
• Big Brother ads (we can save moaning about the programme until later, but for now those booming adverts that seem to think they are announcing the resurrection of Jesus will have to do)

Separating the sweet, juicy flesh from the stone and skin of this week’s major label releases.

You’ll have noticed there’s a worldwide financial crisis going on. Well don’t worry, because we’ve generously picked out three of this week’s new music releases to uplift your spirits. Or else confirm your belief that the world is going to hell, and fast. Whichever.

All releases are represented by a thought which might be thinked by the thinkers who buy them.

Firstly: Fire, Kasabian, single.

The initial release from their upcoming album, The West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum. What would you get if you were to blend San Francisco, 1967, with Manchester, 1987, in a musical food processor? The answer is this single from the pals of celebritosser, Noel Fielding. Fairly harmless psychedila-lite, which does get a little tedious by the nineteenth time that big, catchy hook comes skipping round. This single is represented by the thought:

“Ooh, a new Kasabian single. I’d better check if it’s still cool to like them before I buy it, though.”

Secondly: Soul Of My Soul, Michelle Shocked, album.

Shocked is what happened when the innocence of 1960s female singer/songwriters (Joni Mitchell, et al.) found itself butting heads with the selfishness and warmongering of the 1980s. Here’s a little hint of what you’re getting into with Michelle Shocked: track 4 is called “Ballad Of The Battle Of The Ballot And The Bullet Part 1: Ugly Americans”. Couldn’t be less subtle unless it was “George Bush Is A Great Big Horse’s Winky And You’re All A Bunch Of Uselss Fat Spermwastes”. The album should please existing followers, being a familiarly cosy brand of country (albeit with a political message that may not sit too well with some fans of the genre). It is represented by the thought:

“Must remember to sign that anti-nuclear proliferation petition when I get into work on Monday. At the vegan healthfood and sandals store. Where I work.”

Thirdly: Passione, Paul Potts, album.

Long before Susan Boyle, Britain’s Got Talent had unearthed Potts, the original talented ugly. Whereas Susan’s thing is musicals, Paul’s is opera. Well, we say opera: Potts is to Pavarotti as Budweiser is to Stella Artois. Which reminds us of a wonderful joke: why is American beer like sex in a canoe?

They’re both fucking close to water.

Apologies, but we’re just trying to take away the suicidal wishes which naturally accompany thinking about Paul Potts singing. On an album produced by Simon Cowell. This album is represented by the thought:

“Okay: got my Jodi Picault novels spread casually across the coffee table; the Jamie Oliver recipe chicken’s baking away; and there’s Paul Potts’s ‘Chanto Pretensiori” loaded and ready. This dinner party is set to go.”

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

If you ask us, there's nothing quite as refreshing as basking in the Canadian sun whilst sipping red from the major artery of a freshly killed baby seal. It's so good fresh.

For the record though, we don't think it's picture-perfect when the thing starts thrashing about while our teeth are trying to find a soft spot. Certainly not! We prefer our little fuzzy drink boxes to be completely dead. Our lawyers prefer that too – it reduces the chance of a bad photo-op.

Kasabian though, they seem to think the tiny things are slightly more than a refreshing beverage. In fact – they don't think we should drink them at all.

Some might think its OK to kill if you're preventing immorality and staving off social decay. Those people are absolutely right, but we don't think so. That's because hecklerspray has long cherished life. We believe it is precious, and that it should only be snuffed out if you are thirsty, and you wish to drink the blood of that which you kill because water from the tap looks like it would probably taste gritty. Sometimes we feel alone in our wisdom and wise-ness. Well, not alone in the life is precious part, but in the killing's OK if you're thirsty part.

Maybe that's because people misunderstand us. We don't think everything should be 100% thirst-killable. The mighty tortoise could live 500 years with our blessing. Honestly – we wouldn't mind so long as we stay properly hydrated and never ever see it.

Baby seals though – they're just asking for it. Those little beady eyes always staring at our baseball bats and steel-toed boots. Thinking of ways to steal our stuff, no doubt. Pamela Anderson doesn't care though. Even though baby seals are clearly devious and plotting, she thinks their lives should be spared. So do Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. This isn't really known, but their marriage spoiled after a fluffy infant seal sent Heather flowers. Those things will steal anything – we're telling you.

Now the band Kasabian is taking a firm stance against killing the little kleptos. Their front man Tom Meighan says of things:

"It's just common sense. I don't think it's OK to smash a baby seal's skull. I'd never wear fur – it's such an ugly thing to do."

Tom probably only said that because he's never felt that addicting vibration that travels up the bat, through your arm and into your heart – causing it to warm and feel fuzzy. Don't knock it till you've tried it boys. Seriously – don't drink anything for a couple days and then visit Canada.

Watch out for seal-AIDS though. It exists and those little buggers are full of it.

Read More:

Kasabian Stick Up For Seals – MTV UK