karma - HecklerSpray

Heather Mills Wishes/Unwishes (delete as appropriate) Cancer On The Bad People

July 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Much can be said about Heather Mills. Much has been said about Heather Mills. It’s safe to say that we aren’t the only ones who have said things about Heather Mills.

So we did kind of expect her to fight back in some way, what with her being a bit “interesting” in the head.

What we didn’t expect was that she’d wish cancer on anyone who had ever wronged her, tumours on those who had slighted her and death to those who gave her funny looks.

Sure, she denied she’d actually said that, but we happen to trust The Observer over Bionic Commandette.

Over 1,000 Chinese Folk To Sue Sharon Stone For A Literal Billion Dollars

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

It wasn’t so long ago that Sharon Stone offended all of China by saying each and everyone of them looked delicious, or something, and would no doubt be scrumptious when mashed down into a cracker-topping paste.

She then drew up blueprints for a restaurant that would use this as its niche. We told her this was a foolish concept, as nobody would come to a restaurant that only served crackers with mashed Chinamen on them. She said we misunderstood, and that she would use a wide variety of crackers to offer her patrons several palatable options.

And that was the line she used to sell us 20% of her stock. If all goes well, we’ll be able to retire several months ahead of schedule. We actually can’t remember if any of that was true or not. What is true though is that 1,000 Chinese people are on the verge of sueing Stone for one billion dollars worth of stir fried beef and broccoli for her ‘Karma’ comment a while back.

Or did they just want a billion in cold, hard cash? We’re pretty sure it was the latter.

Dalai Lama Distances Himself from Sharon Stone, World Desperately Envious

March 24th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

That Dalai Lama and Robert Smith are a lot alike. More alike than you probably appreciate.

The Dalai Lama and Robert Smith both have their own websites, both find an umbrella necessary during monsoon season, both say “let’s go to bed” when they’re sleepy, and both of them are distancing themselves from Sharon Stone.

So, the Sharon Stone thing might be true for the Dalai Lama, but we’d wager Robert Smith would do the same, given the chance.

We’d all do the same, given the chance.

Sharon Stone Uninvited From Chinese Festival For Some Reason

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

That Sharon Stone, eh? You can’t take her anywhere – primarily because she’ll start jabbering on like a tit about how the Chinese earthquake was karma.

One place you especially can’t take Sharon Stone is this year’s Shanghai Film Festival. Following her remarks that the recent Chine earthquake might have been some sort of cosmic payback for its occupation of Tibet, Sharon Stone’s invitation to the festival has been revoked.

Undeterred, Sharon Stone has decided to hold her own Sharon Stone Film Festival in her basement, and everyone’s invited – except for the Chinese, people who look a bit Chinesey, people who know all the words to Domo Arigato, Mr Roboto and anyone who doesn’t want to watch Catwoman, Sliver, Basic Instinct 2 and Police Academy 4 on a never-ending loop. She probably shouldn’t buy too many nibbles.

Sharon Stone Sorry For Pissing Off All Of China

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Hold the phone, word’s coming in that the unthinkable has just happened – brace yourselves, Sharon Stone has done something that isn’t utterly stupid.

This doesn’t happen often, so make the most of it. After saying that the recent Chinese earthquake, which has killed 70,000 people and left another five million homeless, was the result of bad karma for the country’s mistreatment of Tibet, Sharon Stone has managed to finally issue an apology.

Sharon Stone says she’s so sorry for offending the Chinese people with her thoughtless remarks that she’s going to devote herself to helping those affected by the earthquake however she can. Does anyone else get the feeling this is going to end with a patronising feature-length documentary entitled Damage Limitation: Sharon Stone Cries At Some Chinese People And Insincerely Refers To Them As ‘Incredible Little People’? Just us?

Sharon Stone Banned From China For Being A Gigantic Div

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As a celebrity, Sharon Stone knows that everything she says is ineffably correct – even if it’s clearly the most moronic thing that anyone has ever heard.

Like the Chinese earthquake, for example. Yes, it may have killed almost 70,000 people and forced the evacuation of another 15 million, but if Sharon Stone says it was caused by bad karma from China’s treatment of Tibet, then it’s obviously true. If anything, the Chinese people should be thanking Sharon Stone for her clearsighted understanding of the disaster.

But it isn’t. In fact, one Chinese cinema chain is so outraged by Sharon Stone’s karma comments that it’s decided to ban all her movies, depriving the Chinese people of surefire future blockbusters like Streets Of Blood and Five Dollars A Day. Maybe we should move to China.