Good on you Hollywood. You could have just done a remake of The Karate Kid, but that wouldn’t be awful enough.

Oh no. You had to let Will Smith‘s son be in it. But that wouldn’t have been awful enough either, would it? So you had to let Justin Bieber do the theme-tune, didn’t you? But then even that wouldn’t have quite been awful enough either, would it? That’s why you had to let Will Smith’s son do a rap in it.

That’s right – the Jaden Smith-starring Karate Kid remake has a Justin Bieber theme-tune that Jaden Smith raps on. And we’ve got the video to this Justin Bieber/ Jaden Smith catastrophe, entitled Never Say Never, after the jump. Proceed with maximum caution…

Before we start, here’s the video to Never Say Never, by Justin Bieber and Jaden Smith. Watch it, why don’t you:

Now don’t pretend that you actually watched that all the way through – after all, it’s a Justin Bieber song that features the rapping talents of Will Smith’s son and has been released to promote a drastically unnecessary remake of The Karate Kid. It’s OK. We don’t blame you. But luckily we’ve broken the video down for you. Thank us later.

Never Say Never scene 1

As you can see here, the Never Say Never video has been given the theme of The First Season Of The Wire Acted Out By Infant Lesbians.

Never Say Never scene 2

We were originally going to base this piece on the stupidest faces that Justin Bieber pulled throughout the duration of the video. However, it appears that he’s had the ability to express emotions with his face bred out of him. So hopefully this will do. Sorry.

Never Say Never scene 3

Jaden Smith is 11 years old, so try not to hate him too much for doing this. Let’s make a deal – we’ll come back in five years and if Jayden Smith is still doing the same repugnant smug collar flick thing, then we can hate him, OK?

Never Say Never scene 4

No, Jackie Chan! We said you can start hating him in five years! Don’t snap his spine in half now! You terrible man!

Never Say Never scene 5

The five-year plan still stands, even though Jaden Smith is clearly pushing his luck by doing the Arsehole Fingerpoint move here. He’s young. He doesn’t know any better. Keep telling yourself that.

Never Say Never scene 6

In case you don’t understand the language, this is the Chinese symbol for ‘Hurry up and stop singing because you’re giving me a real fucking headache here’. Jackie Chan can be a real bastard sometimes, you know.

Never Say Never scene 7

And here, at the close of the video, Justin Bieber realises that he’s been comprehensively out-obnoxioused by Jaden Smith over the course of his own music video, and does a karate kick to compensate. Fortunately it works. Obnoxiousness restored.

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Years ago, when the brains behind the Karate Kid movies decided it’d be a fine idea to just replace Ralph Macchio with Hilary Swank and see what happens, well that was the moment our childhood ended.

Up until then our chief method for falling asleep at night was to lay there with our eyes closed and sweetly picture Daniel-san kicking Johnny in the teeth. After that we’d always picture him arm-whipping the bad guy from Okinawa to death, and after that we always pictured him literally biting the head off of whoever was the bad guy in Karate Kid III.

That’s not actually how the third one ended, likely due to faulty scriptwriting.

But if you thought it was bad when swank donned Mr. Miagi‘s karate school patch, well it’s about to get worse. Will Smith‘s kid – whatever his name is – is all set to star in a Karate Kid remake. We don’t know, maybe we’ll try falling asleep to the mental imagery of that little kid beating people up… but that seems like a pretty slippery slope if you catch our meaning.

Stupid Hollywood has been in remake mode of late. George Clooney‘s doing the Birds, an all new 90210 has recently been crammed down our necks with promises that Melrose Place will soon follow, and Denzel Washington is going to star in a scene by scene live-action duplicate of Wall-E.

A bit soon for that one, don’t you all think?

Yeah, that’s not true. Another remake stumbling forward through a very congested Hollywood pipeline is the Karate Kid. It’s supposed to be the exact same movie except Jada Pinkett Smith stars as Ralph Macchio. They’ve hired the same kid to play Johnny, Elizabeth Shue will be reprising her role, and the corpse of Pat Morita will be re-animated by multiple string-yanking puppeteers and a voice over.

What’s that now? It’s not Pinkett-Smith? Its her kid? Come again? Help us understand, Variety.com:

“Columbia Pictures is back in the dojo with a new version of the 1984 hit “The Karate Kid,” which has been refashioned as a star vehicle for Jaden Smith…The script is being written by Chris Murphy, and the film will shoot next year in Beijing and other cities. While the new film will be set in that exotic locale, it will borrow elements of the original plot, wherein a bullied youth learns to stand up for himself with the help of an eccentric mentor.”

Well it sounds like it’ll be a fine movie as long as we don’t have to watch it. But you should all know that we don’t think its completely pointless. We have some recommended ways to make it really good. For instance, if you’re already borrowing from Karate Kid, why not rape some other classics as well.

They should include the scene where Dorothy‘s house crushes that wicked witch, that’d probably be good. And that scene where Scarface is spitting bullets while mumbling something about greeting his gun, that would be a solid inclusion too. Throw in a part where Willow makes the baby disappear, a scene where Chunk loves Sloth, and maybe a Care Bear-stare or two – and you’ve got yourself a film for the ages.

Way to go Jaden Smith. That’s quite an impressive future resume.

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