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Every Single Berserk American Idol Rumour Is Probably True

August 3rd, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

You read that right. Fox bigshot Peter Rice says many reports about the future of American Idol are accurate.

What does that mean? Well, it means that Jennifer Lopez will probably be a judge this year. And it means that Kara DioGuardi probably won’t be a judge this year. It also means that Steven Tyler from Aerosmith will become a new judge, and that Aerosmith will re-record the show’s theme-tune and – to fit with Tyler’s diction – American Idol will be renamed Ammarricuh IdOWWW!, and that HD will be switched off for the duration of each episode so that Steven Tyler’s bizarre old lady face won’t cause America to burst into unstoppable fits of terror-sobs whenever it appears.

We may have made some of these things up. But, hey, since we’re reporting them, and all American Idol reports are accurate, they must be true. FOR THEY HAVE BEEN PROPHESISED.

American Idol Might Fire Everyone, Twice, For A Laugh

July 28th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Without its gleam-toothed, bumpube-haired talisman Simon Cowell, American Idol has found itself in a muddle.

What happens now? Can American Idol survive? Can it bank on Randy Jackson to speak in full sentences from now on? Or Ellen DeGeneres to stop being so tediously nice all the time? Or Kara DioGuardi to finally work out what her point is? Probably not. And that’s why they might all be getting sacked quite soon.

If reports are to be believed, former American Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe might be about to return to the show. And if that happens, it’s expected that his first move will involve firing Randy, Ellen and Kara and bringing in Justin Timberlake, Elton John and Usher as judges. No word on who’ll replace Ryan Seacrest, though. He is being replaced, right? Oh, say that he’s being replaced.

American Idol: Now Katy Perry Hates Kara DioGuardi Too

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Poor Kara DioGuardi. All she wants is to sit around pointlessly on the American Idol judging panel saying nothing of interest.

But everyone makes it so hard for her. Simon Cowell has had his run-ins with Kara. Paula Abdul disliked Kara so much that she ended up leaving American Idol after one just season with her. And the public in general eye Kara with suspicion, knowing that her most significant contribution to American Idol will be the ghastly greeting card jingle she’ll write for the winner.

But at least Kara DioGuardi can make friends with the new American Idol guest judges, right? Like last night’s Katy Perry? Who took every opportunity to snipe at Kara? And at one point threatened to throw a drink in her face? Oh.

Kara DioGuardi Gets Married To Some Bloke On Purpose

July 7th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This year’s American Idol was amazing for one solitary reason – we’re looking at you, Kara DioGuardi!

That’s right. It wasn’t down to Adam Lambert‘s uncompromising talent, nor was it because show kick-started a giant about sexuality. It was because of Kara DioGuardi and the way she just sort of sat around not really doing anything for vast tracts of time.

So clearly when Kara DioGuardi decided to get married, we knew the wedding would be infused with this same rock and roll spirit. And it was, if quietly marrying a contractor before hardly anybody counts as rock and roll now.

Adam Lambert Gay? Yes Bloody Definitely Yes, Says Kara DioGuardi

May 29th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Even though American Idol finished long ago, one question remains. That question is ‘Seriously? No Boundaries? What were they thinking?’

Oh, and the other question is ‘Is Adam Lambert gay?’ It’s still a hot topic of conversation – in fact, internet research shows that when it comes to things that are nobody’s business about a man we’ll never hear about again from a TV show that’s already ended, Adam Lambert’s sexuality is one of the highest-trending subjects.

At least that was before Kara DioGuardi inadvertently told everyone watching The View that Adam Lambert is as gay as can be yesterday. Whoops.

American Idol: Paula Abdul & Kara Properly Hate Each Other

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Forget the endless soggy Stevie Wonder cover versions – American Idol is always going to be about one thing.

How much the judges hate each other. Balancing their egos has always been a tricky job – especially when one of those egos is as shrieky and scattergun and genuinely incomprehensible as Paula Abdul – and now it’s all come to a head.

Paula Abdul has told a magazine that she doesn’t really like American Idol now that new judge Kara DioGuardi is on board, and Kara has responded by saying how ‘hurt’ she is. Boy, this is going to be one funny-looking catfight.

American Idol: Simon & Kara Hate Each Other! Yay!

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s no secret that new American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi might be the person to kill the show forever.

You see, American Idol viewers loved the previous ‘idiot idiot arsehole’ judging dynamic. And roping in a vowelly nobody to be the superfluous fourth judge seemed like folly. Or at least it did, until this week’s American Idol, which mostly seemed to be about Kara DioGuardi fighting with Simon Cowell in an argument that can only end with bloodshed and grisly death.

Or lots of angry sex on the American Idol judging desk. God, we hope it’s the death one.

Here’s Kara DioGuardi, The American Idol Judge You Don’t Care About

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Adding a fourth American Idol judge is a bad idea – like adding a fourth wheel to a tricycle, or a fourth leg to the injured dog that walks around hospitals on wheels sometimes.

Not to stretch that metaphor, but it would be fine if the fourth dog leg was as famous as the other three dog legs, but it’s not – it’s a weirdly anonymous dog leg that you wouldn’t even recognise if someone hacked it off and waved it around by itself away from all the other dog legs. Understand? Good.

Anyway. Kara DioGuardi, the new fourth American Idol judge, has now been formally introduced to the public. We could have just said that instead of banging on about dog legs and saved everyone a lot of time and confusion, we suppose. Oh, will we ever learn?

The New American Idol Judge Is, Um…

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

American Idol is such a television sensation that it can pretty much get any name going, like Prince and Gordon Brown and, um, Taylor Hicks.

So when the American Idol producers decided to shake up the holy trinity of Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul and hire a fourth judge, they aimed as high as they possibly could. So who did they pick? Michael Jackson? Madonna? The resuscitated zombie corpse of Elvis Presley? The T-Rex out of Jurassic Park? No. The American Idol producers picked Kara DioGuardi.

What? Don’t look at us. We never said we knew who she was.