Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
So, in last year’s HecklerSpray Advent, I listed all the Kardashian pregnancies as one of the year’s pop culture highlights, so this year I’m obviously going to list those actual babies!
Kris Jenner got THREE new money-makers this year with the births of Chicago (horrible name), Stormi (great name), and True (I’m indifferent).
Quick disclaimer: I feel like this goes without saying, but if you’re to the right of things and pro-Trump, maybe you shouldn’t continue reading. I mean, it’s been pretty clear where I stand blog-wise, so why are you even wasting your time reading my shit? Are you that bored? I’m Canadian for Christ’s sake. My opinion shouldn’t matter to you at all (someone comments that my opinion doesn’t matter in 3, 2…)
Anyway, Kanye West continued his tonguing Donald Trump’s asshole tour today by heading to the White House today with a slew of cameras to talk about how amazing Trump is and that wearing a MAGA hat makes him feel like Superman. Ok, cool.
It seems like just yesterday I was happily blogging about an insane Lindsay Lohan, probably fucked out of her mind on knock off Xanax, roaming the streets of Moscow, trying to steal random homeless children, screaming about how they were Syrian refugees who were being child trafficked. Simpler times, man, simpler times.
Anyway, while Lohan is being tracked down by Chris Hansen over in Russia, here in good old North America, we have our own messy af celebrity to deal with, and, surprise surprise, it’s Kanye fucking West.
I’m not 100% sure when Kanye West became the black James Franco–in that he’ll literally do anything he’s asked to do, even a guest skit on General Hospital–but here we are. Last night, the first ever Pornhub awards took place (I have a lot of questions about this, which I’ll get to), and guess who served as the creative director for the awards show?
Kanye. It was Kanye. You read the fucking title of this blog.
For someone who considers themselves a fashion genius, Kanye West sure does dress himself up like my grandpa a lot. Case in point: Kanye and Kim Kardashian attended 2 Chainz wedding this weekend and Kanye wore open toed slippers. Yep. He wore slippers to a fucking wedding.
The only place in the WORLD wearing slippers to a wedding is acceptable is maybe a retirement complex in Florida and the Goulds here in Newfoundland (don’t even get me started).
As we’ve learned over the past decade and a half, Kanye West isn’t exactly subtle when it comes to discussing his feelings. He’s said George Bush didn’t like black people, that Taylor Swift didn’t deserve her MTV award, and that Donald Trump was cool, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when he revealed in a new song that he was sexually attracted to all of wife Kim Kardashian’s sisters.
In his new song ‘XTCY’, Kanye admits that he wants to “smash” Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, and Kylie, and, tbh, I think Kris Jenner is probs really offended he didn’t include her in his list of family members he wanted to fuck.
Kris Jenner has spent the last 30 years or so of her life putting men in the sunken place, and not once has any of them ever malfunctioned while still being IN the sunken place…until now.
For the past week, Kanye West has been acting more bizarre than usual, which is really saying something, and is about two minutes away from getting his black card revoked altogether.
I said I wouldn’t blog about their name baby until they gave us her name, and today Kim Kardashian and Kanye West blessed the world with the name of their new born baby girl. First they gave us North West (eye roll), then they gave us Saint West (double eye roll), and now they’ve given us Chicago West (even my zen af third eye is rolling).
I get that Kanye is from Chicago and for some reason rappers from Chicago are like HARDCORE about Chicago, but this is a bit much. Also, it kind of makes me feel like I can’t name my new baby Delaware or Pittsburgh now because people will totally think I copied KimYe. Ugh!
As I think I reported a few months back (I’m too lazy to go and check), Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got themselves a surrogate to pop out baby #3 and she was allegedly already three months along. Well, that story seems to check out now that new reports are saying another stupidly named West child will be arriving early in the new year.
Before you even ask yourself, yes, I have made a thorough list of names I think they will name their third baby and you can find it at the end of this blog. Bless.
First of all, I know this is my fourth Taylor Swift blog in a row and I promise you that later I will write about Kim Kardashian’s atrocious spray-tan in Interview magazine, but right now I have some final grievances to air and it has to be done.
For years, many people–including myself–have been suggesting that Taylor Swift is secretly a manipulative mean girl who loves to play the victim and attack anyone who wrongs her by trying to ruin their reputation via song. With her new song, video, and impending album, Taylor has proven that–SHOCKER–we were all right about her skinny white ass (not body shaming, I also have a skinny white ass, so shut up!).
