This would have gone nicely with the bench press she found near the Dome of the Rock, the pull-up bar she bought at a Southern Baptist community auction, and the sauna she made from the inside-out skulls of over a dozen Lucifarians.

The Kabbalah water in the pool – well that’s actually true. She was gonna stand there with millions of imported plastic bottles and dump each individual one into the deep end until it was at least semi-swimmable.

Not any more though. Now she’s just getting divorced – and Guy Ritchie has decided that whatever pours out of his green garden hose is probably good enough. That’s why he just canceled her weird, massive water order.

Well, the Ritchies are divorcing. They’re both apparently boning their rebounds, and they are amicably dividing up every single one of their possessions. For instance, Guy will get the head and neck of Rocco, while Madonna’s nannies will care tenderly for all the family rabbits.

We’re totally ad-libbing here.

Also, Guy is apparently keeping the country house, and dang it all he’s gonna flood it with whatever liquids he sees fit. One things for sure though – he’s not gonna sacrilegiously fill his pool with water stolen from the lips of Xerxes as he sat in his golden cave atop Mount Olympus, which we heard is where Kabbalans get everything they ever drink. Ritchie probably wouldn’t mind using it, actually, but his wife is said to have wanted the Kabbalah pool so bad he may just be trying to stick it to her.

According to the Telegraph:

“Mr Ritchie, the film director, has stopped the order for the ’special water’ for the pool at their Wiltshire estate…The 40 year old has insisted that the pool should be filled with normal chlorinated water, not Kabbalah water as requested by the [Madonna].”

hecklerspray believes Ritchie’s water-cancellation to be a foolish move – one made by somebody who obviously doesn’t know how good that stuff is at healing old lady hands, arm flaps and really sizable dental gaps. When he finds the next senior-citizen love of his life, say Margaret Thatcher or something, he’ll surely regret it.

We’d also like to suggest a few water-replacement options if this other stuff is definitely out. For instance, why not install some under water electric-oven burners and fill the thing with thousands of copies of Hard Candy. Sure, the downside is he’d push her album up the charts, but think about how cool it would be to swim in thousands of those things all liquid and melty. When you got out of the pool you’d look like Agent Doggett in Terminator 2.

Plus, think of all the landfills he’d be able to keep just a little emptier. And really – isn’t that what Kabbalah’s all about.

But Madonna isn't happy with just getting a man under her proverbial spell, oh no – she is literally controlling the mind of Alex Rodriguez, the man she is allegedly getting it on with. Well, according to Rodriguez's estranged wife, Cynthia, that's what Madge is doing. Wait – what?

Yes, the jealous spouting of a woman scorned has taken another turn for the 'huh?' as Cynthia Rodriguez revealed, through an anonymous friend, that she believed Madonna has been using kabbalah, the mystical side of Judaism, to warp her husband's mind. Oh that's right – blame the Jews again, it's not like they don't already get the flack for everything else in the world, ever.

Cynthia may have a point though – the rumours have been flying about that Madge and Alex have become closer than just close friends , as well as that her marriage to Guy Ritchie is on the road to destruction , and not just because she's woken up to what a no-talent arseclown Ritchie actually is. At least Alex can hit balls really hard, or something. He's probably a more convincing cockney too.

None of it is definite, there's a lot of aimless speculation – the kind we really like – and there are some audacious claims flying around. It's a fine recipe for disaster already, prime for the tabloid vultures (hello!) to come in and pick the carcass dry. Then the rogue element is introduced and all hell breaks loose – this is another moment that needs to be fully taken in, so sit back and read it one more time: Madonna, as in 'Papa Don't Preach', 'Material Girl' and some other, newer, shitter songs, is being accused of controlling the mind of a man she is supposedly having it off with.

There are times when you just don't need words; all you need is to react to whatever is going on.

The 'friend' of Cynthia told the press that this is what the estranged wife thought, through the miraculous powers of language:

"I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him, I don't recognize the man he's become. He was a
sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he's very cold and
calculating."

Well, consider hecklerspray convinced – that sounds like grade 'A', bona-fide Jewish mind control of the highest order. Just the kind of ridiculous crap Madonna would be likely to partake in, like having a gap-tooth or a ridiculous camel toe on show, even though she's about 86-years-old. It's a pretty open and shut case, to be honest.

There is always a chance that this is just a jealous rant by a heartbroken woman, and something that seems likely given her fragile state of mind. After all – who doesn't want to blame the Jews every now and then?

But if this is a pile of truth nuggets, we just hope Madge can further brainwash Alex Rodriguez into thinking (or should that be 'knowing'?) that A-Rod is the single most ridiculous name ever given to anyone, anywhere, ever, and it makes him sound like a massive prick. In more ways than one.

And how can we be so sure it’s out? Because two of the religion’s biggest celebrity zealots, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, seem to have abandoned the Kabbalah ship.  

That’s what we’d have done, too. Kabbalah doesn’t have near as nice a ship as the Scientology cruise ship, Freewinds, anyway. 

You remember the Kabbalah craze, don’t you? It might be hard to recall because it was before Scientology came with its aliens to establish a Galactic Confederacy in which Tom Cruise can’t take a vacation. But yeah, Kabbalah, a mystical offset of Judaism, first came to annoy us in full a few years back when bunches of Hollywood celebs began to run like a herd of rich, surgically-enhanced cattle to gather around the religious facet.   

We can probably needlessly point a lazy, disparaging finger at Madonna for instigating the Kabbalah stuff since she began practising it in the late 90s. That was back before Madonna was wearing purple leotards and fishnet stockings. Those are the days of non-horrific mental images we long for.  

Anyway, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have been some of the most unwavering celebrity supporters to don $26 puny red string bracelets that Kabbalahists wear to protect them from the Evil Eye… and the Stink Eye, and the Wandering Eye, and the Pink Eye, and the Lazy Eye. The couple was even married in a Kabbalah ceremony in 2005. Apparently though, the couple has been absent from Friday night services and Shabbat dinner at the LA Kabbalah Centre for months now.

So, what's the deal? Have Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher decided to split from the Kabbalah scene for good? A source with ‘ties to the centre’ (sounds legit), say that whatever the reason for their disappearance may be you can rest assured it’s not because of Demi Moore’s kids. We have no idea why Demi Moore’s kids would be the reason, but their dad Bruce Willis wouldn’t allow them to be involved with Kabbalah, so don’t even think it or else he’ll go all John McClane on your trash.  

Other sources say that might Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher’s absence from Kabbalah worship is because Ashton is “tired of being dragged there on Friday nights.”  Seriously, let the kid have a regular Friday night smashing beer cans on his head and organising his trucker hats and playing Rock Band all night while his wife recovers from her latest nip and/or tuck action.  

Or, it could just be that they got tired of watching Madonna suck soup through that enormous gap in her teeth during dinner. We may never know.

Read more: 

Ashton & Demi cutting ties with Kabbalah? – MSNBC