Articles tagged with: Kabbalah
Madonna's plan to ensure all of her children get an express ticket to Jewish-lite heaven was to fill her indoor home swimming pool with Kabbalah water. This would have gone nicely with the bench press she found near the Dome of the Rock, the pull-up bar she bought at a Southern Baptist community auction, and the sauna she made from the inside-out skulls of over a dozen Lucifarians. The Kabbalah water in the pool - well that's actually true. She was gonna stand there with millions of imported plastic bottles and dump each individual one into the deep end until it was at least semi-swimmable. Not any more though. Now she's just getting divorced - and Guy Ritchie has decided that whatever pours out of his green garden hose is probably good enough. That's why he just canceled her weird, massive water order.
It's always the bloody same with women - they look at you, talk to you and move in certain ways, and before you know it you're under their spell. In a figurative way, of course. And actually, come to think of it, we can't remember the last time a girl even looked at us, never mind talked to or moved in certain ways at us. We digress...
But Madonna isn't happy with just getting a man under her proverbial spell, oh no - she is literally controlling the mind of Alex Rodriguez, the man she is allegedly getting it on with. Well, according to Rodriguez's estranged wife, Cynthia, that's what Madge is doing. Wait - what?
Wow, are you really still wearing that infuriating red Kabbalah string on your wrist and drinking that bottled Kabbalah water? That is so five minutes ago. Kabbalah’s out, you know.
And how can we be so sure it’s out? Because two of the religion’s biggest celebrity zealots, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, seem to have abandoned the Kabbalah ship.
That’s what we’d have done, too. Kabbalah doesn’t have near as nice a ship as the Scientology cruise ship, Freewinds, anyway.
