It’s okay everybody, you can relax, there’s no more need to worry, Kevin Federline is fine.

We know, you were scared that K-Fed might be taken from us too soon, but we’re pleased to announce that all is well with Britney’s Baby Daddy and he didn’t actually suffer a heart attack that none of us would have cared about.

Federline was hospitalised earlier this week after he collapsed whilst filming a weight loss show in Australia, he was quickly rushed to hospital along with the paramedics who had initially tried to lift him onto the stretcher.

The world’s most favouritest douchebag spent much of the day in hospital, before being released to recover at home, probably in a soiled wife beater and a trucker cap.

At the peak of his girth, Federline had reached a whopping 17stone, which doesn’t sound like much for an American, but being – as he is – an American that was supposed to be vaguely famous for something, this a HUGE deal.

Admittedly that thing he was famous for was having sperm so polluted that it sent Britney Spears batshit insane enough for her to marry him, shave her head, attack a car with an umbrella and hole up in her Hollywood mansion, in a weird Waco 90210 stand off.

We should applaud Federline for attempting to get back into shape, but he’s just so annoying it’s hard for us to even care whether or not this little episode was an actual problem with his heart, or indigestion caused by the rapid consumption of a Big Mac.

It probably was indigestion anyway, it’s hard to imagine K-Fed, who’s now sporting a pony tail because he wasn’t white trash enough before, can even eat a simple burger without taking breaks from chewing with his mouth open to tell anyone and everyone who will listen how he totally nailed Britney Spears, whilst simultaneously humping and spanking the air in a display of chauvinism that borders on the retarded.

So next time you’re in a fast food chain, about to tuck in to that tasty burger you ordered, just remember this. Somewhere, out there in a restaurant just like the one you’re sat in, is Kevin Federline.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent a weekend away together in Maui, where they chatted about getting back together, the possibility of remarrying and becoming a family again for their two toddlers.

And, according to OK! Magazine, upon their return, Britney presented Kevin with a belated £69,000 30th birthday present.

Sixty-nine thosand pounds! Wow, what did she get him? A small house? A big car? A new and improved genetically modified brain that can come up with better lyrics than: “I’m not your brother, I’m not your uncle, I’m Daddy do, Steppin’ in this game and y’all ain’t got a clue?” Nope, none of those things. Can you guess? That’s right; a watch.

A fucking £69k time-keeping device. Why not just take a look at the position of the sun? It’s completely free of charge!

For that same amount of money K-Fed could listen to the talking clock for about 200 years. Honestly, there was us saying last week that she’s back on track, and then she goes and pulls off the most mental move of her life.

Britney has been throwing away the cash recently. Earlier this week she donated £12,500 to the ‘Idol gives back’ charity, because – as a source told CMR: “she watched the show and cried for like two hours over the children in Africa with malaria”. Meaning the idea of K-Fed being unaware of the time is over five times as traumatic as African kids dying of malaria. Sort of.

And all this at a time when she can only get access to her millions by convincing her daddy, who’s in control of financial affairs, that it’s a sensible purchase. A source close to James, Britney’s father, said yesterday:

“He personally approved the mini-vacation and birthday present purchases. There is nothing more he and Brit’s mother, Lynne, would love than for her and Kevin to get back together. Kevin’s whole attitude to his ex-wife has changed. He can see she is responding to treatment for her bipolar disorder, staying sober and trying to rebuild her life and career. Though she is becoming again the woman he fell in love with, they both know rushing into remarriage too soon could be dangerous. So they’re taking baby steps and it seems to be working. Kevin believes she’s almost ready to be a full-time mom again. They are both anxious to put all that behind them and start afresh. They deserve to find happiness and they feel their happiness, as well as that of their children, hinges on them being a family – a proper one this time round.”

Good luck to them. And Britney, if you’re reading this and wondering what to ask your pop to let you spend your money on next, hecklerspray has it’s very own malaria-ridden African child who has been told by the doctor he has just three hours to live.

Trouble is he hasn’t got a watch to count away the seconds. That’s got to be worth at least 150,000 Britney pounds. Make the cheque payable to Paul Sorrenti (his legal guardian) and, please, hurry up.

Read More – Britney And Kevin Back Together? – OK! Magazine