Love is beautiful. Teenage love is magical. The love between a teenage girl and an adult underwear model is, um…

Oh, what’s the word we’re looking for? Creepy? Doomed to failure? Yes, either of those will probably do, actually. Because, readers, we’re sorry to report that Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston – the Posh and Becks of obnoxious teenage millionaires and uncomfortably older, professionally nude men – have split up. It’s on Twitter and everything.

It’s sad news, but it’s not completely bad. At least this way we know that Miley Cyrus’s next album will sound like bloody Joy Division or something.

Let’s get one thing clear right away. Miley Cyrus is no stranger to heartbreak. There’s the heartbreak of sacrificing a normal childhood to pursue fame and wealth. There’s the heartbreak of seeing every one of her adolescent flaws magnified by the world’s media. There’s the heartbreak of being seen out in public with her father and the facial hair he’s obviously styled on an old lady’s genitalia.

It’s true – just look at the titles of some Miley Cyrus songs: Let’s Get Crazy, Girl’s Night Out, Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. If they’re not crystallised expressions of profound emotional torment, we don’t know what are. And it’s good that Miley Cyrus has this affinity with heartbreak, because the greatest romance of her entire life has just come to an end.

No, not the romance that Miley Cyrus had with that Jonas Brother, the other one. No, not the romance that Miley Cyrus clearly has with herself, the other other one. You know, the one with Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old underwear model who started going out with Miley Cyrus when she was 15. The love they had for one another was deep and pure and intense and we couldn’t think about it for more than 10 seconds without jumping into a bath and scrubbing ourselves clean with wire wool.

We’re not sure what Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston had in common – although we’re willing to guess that it was either a shared love of inappropriate disrobing or the fact that they both loved how rich Miley Cyrus was – but it doesn’t matter any more. As People reports, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston have called it quits:

In recent days, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston have taken to their separate Twitter pages with messages of woe. “Tears are words the heart can’t express,” Cyrus, 16, wrote Sunday night. Gaston, 20, tweeted the next morning, “How many tears are in there? They’ve gotta run out soon, right?… No official reason has been given for the breakup.

Wow, Justin, that was cold. The poor girl’s clearly distraught over all of this, and the best you can do is openly hope that she dies of dehydration? Looks like someone was in the wrong queue when God was handing out compassion. Admittedly the queue he ended up in was the queue for dreamy eyes and rock-hard abs and hair so thick you could fall asleep in it, but… hang on, what was our point again? Oh, never mind.

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You might think that, because he’s five years older than her and wriggles about in knickers for a living, Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend is a rum sort.

But he’s not. He’s really not. Miley Cyrus has been on the radio in America defending her alleged new boyfriend Justin Gaston to the hilt, claiming that he’s ‘awesome’ and a ‘really great Christian guy’. And what Miley Cyrus says, we have no option but to believe. Justin Gaston, you’re awesome and a really great Christian guy and we apologise for thinking wrongly of you.

And the fact that on the same day as Miley Cyrus’ interview, pictures were leaked onto the internet of Justin Gaston rolling around on the floor in his underwear with an unidentified woman and giving the camera the finger? Well that’s just awesome and Christian too. We hear that Jesus did a very similar thing once himself, actually.

These days it seems like the thing that teenage girls need to worry most about is church guys getting them pregnant. Actually, the ‘these days’ bit of that last sentence was a bit misleading since God, the original church guy, managed to knock Mary up when she was about 14 years old. High five to God, there, the big omnipotent pervert.

But these days it seems to happen a little bit more often. Who got Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant? A church guy. Who got Bristol Palin pregnant? A church guy. And who does Miley Cyrus appear to be going out with? That’s right, a church guy. That poor girl’s a timebomb.

Lately 15-year-old Miley Cyrus and her 20-year-old underwear model chum Justin Gaston have been inseparable. You can’t say that Justin Gaston is Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend because he’s five years older than her, she’s a child and it’s icky. But you can point out that they never stop hanging out, that they have a shared fondness for being photographed in their pants and that Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus has already publicly given his approval to Justin.

So, you know, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston are more or less boyfriend or girlfriend, but it’s all unconfirmed. It has, however, been heavily alluded to by Miley Cyrus herself during an interview with Ryan Seacrest yesterday, as E! Online reports:

“Everyone started judging us as soon as we started hanging out…  I’ve learned just not to judge anyone and go into our friendship with an open mind and not really worry about the age or anything. He’s a really great Christian guy, which is awesome.” But did she admit they’re actually dating when she was grilled by Ryan? “Maybe, maybe not,” the Hannah Montana star giggled.

And, yes, so what, Miley’s endorsement of Justin Gaston as a great Christian guy might have come at the exact same time that several photos of Justin Gaston larking around inappropriately in his underwear hit the internet. That doesn’t mean anything.

After all, innocently exploring your sexuality in photo-form is just a perfectly natural part of growing up. And so is using your relative maturity to trick teenage millionaires into falling in love with you, then getting them pregnant, marrying them, divorcing them and taking half of their money. But that’s something that we’ll probably get to in the next couple of months.

Just about the whole world went to the great big hideously expensive Miley Cyrus Disneyland 16th birthday party – with one notable exception.

And, of course, that was Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus’ special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It’s not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party – he’s too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something.

But Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t mind. He’s heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.

The big Miley Cyrus 16th birthday party in Disneyland on Sunday had just about everything you could wish for. Fireworks, thrill rides, celebrities, a short set by Miley Cyrus herself, the profoundly depressing realisation that you could work 24 hours a day for the rest of your life and still not earn what Miley Cyrus does in a month and – in Billy Ray Cyrus’ performance of Achy Breaky Heart – a couple of minutes to sneak off to the toilet.

But Miley’s party did lack one thing, and that was romance. We’re going to put that down to the absense of Justin Gaston – the fully-grown underwear model who Miley Cyrus seems to have developed some sort of romantic attachment to.

Now, we know what you’re thinking. The reason that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party is because, prior to the party, Billy Ray Cyrus took him to one side and threatened to smoosh his skull into goo with half a brick if he even so much as thought about touching his special little daughter, but that’s not the case at all.

Actually it turn out that Billy Ray Cyrus is quite the fan of Justin Gaston. We already knew that he introduced Justin to Miley Cyrus, but he’s followed that up with even more effusive praise. Fox News reports:

“He is a great guy, a really talented guy,” Billy Ray said of Gaston, adding that he is great company for his daughter.

That’s not very comprehensive, Billy Ray Cyrus. Do you think you could back that up with another statement? Perhaps one that’s completely out of touch, has nothing to do with Justin Gaston and seems to bewilderingly paint yourself as some kind of world-healing Jesus figure?

“It’s our family going full circle. Being here with these fans is an appropriate way to celebrate. It’s the fans that our show is all about. It’s what our music is all about. Touching people’s lives worldwide and these are the people right here.”

OK, that’s better. Thanks.

Anyway, it’s not hard to see why Billy Ray Cyrus and Justin Gaston get along so well. They both love country music, for example, and they’re both Southern-born, God-fearin’, rootin’-tootin’, tobacco-chewin’ rednecks cowboys. Plus they’re roughly the same age, obviously.

And, what’s more, it must really take the heat off dealing with your girlfriend’s new boyfriend to know that no matter what filthy, depraved stuff he gets up to, he’ll never quite be as creepy around her as you are.

Being Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend must be horrible – you’d be constantly fighting the urge to slap Billy Ray Cyrus’ silly face every time you saw it.

In fact, 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has got quite the wishlist when it comes to her boyfriends. Firstly you can’t be intimidated by Miley Cyrus’ fame and wealth. Secondly you have to be as gormlessly God-fearing as she is. And thirdly, if you’re so much older than her that it’s a little bit creepy and you use your body as a sexual object for a living, then that’s great too.

So, with that in mind, say hello to Miley Cyrus’ new boyfriend – he’s Justin Gaston, he’s 20 years old and he’s an underwear model. If this hasn’t ended in tears by this time next year, then we’re afraid we’ll have to go away and question everything we thought we knew about the universe.

There was always one girl at school with a boyfriend who was much older than her, wasn’t there. And he was always a bit creepy looking, covered from head to toe in coldsores, had a logic-defying speech impediment, smelt like dirty petrol and was basically an episode of Jeremy Kyle in the making.

Now, we’re obviously not comparing Miley Cyrus to the girl from school just because she’s got an older boyfriend. That would be ridiculous. Miley Cyrus doesn’t even go to school.

But apart from that, who knows. You see, Miley Cyrus has found love with a chap called Justin Gaston. And it seems like they’re still at that adorable stage where they’re just finding out their differences. For instance, Justin Gaston is old enough to vote and Miley Cyrus isn’t even old enough to drive, Justin Gaston has brown hair and Miley Cyrus’ hair is closer to auburn, Justin Gaston is an adult and Miley Cyrus is a child. You know, stuff like that. It’s romantic.

But despite all these many, many superficial differences, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston do share a couple of very important things in common. Firstly, their love of music is profound and almost spiritual and if flows throw them like the essence of life itself. And secondly, they both love jigging around in their pants for photographers.

Miley Cyrus you know about – she’s worn an inappropriately small amount of clothes on the cover of a glossy magazine and more internet photos than you can shake a stick at. But Justin Gaston does it just as much, too – he’s an underwear model, you know.

How has Billy Ray Cyrus responded to the news that his 15-year-old little girl has started seeing a 20-year-old who never wears any trousers? Simple – he’s dragged everyone down to church, as People reports:

On Sunday, Justin Gaston, a model and aspiring country singer, attended church in Pasadena, Calif., with the Hannah Montana star and her family. According to Cyrus’s rep, Gaston, 20, is “a friend from Nashville… He’s visiting L.A. for the week.” A source close to Miley says, “They’ve been spending a lot of time together while he’s in town.”

Of course church is the best place to take Miley and Justin. Everybody knows that taking your little girl’s older boyfriend to church is the best way to keep everyone on the straight and narrow. Unless your daughter is Jamie Lynn Spears or Bristol Palin, that is, but let’s ignore them.

We will say one thing to Justin Gaston, though – don’t you dare go round playing with little Miley Cyrus’ heart. Not because we’re worried that you’ll upset her, you see. It’s just, if you do, she’s easily rich enough to have you killed.